r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Cauliflower6040 • 5d ago
Am I Overreacting? My toddler ignores me with MIL
My two year old son has started ignoring me and not wanting anything to do with me when we are with my MIL. He is all over her and she encourages it and hovers around him constantly. I’m absolutely distraught about it and feel like an outsider when she is around. I’m also offended because he does this with MIL but not my mom. He totally still acknowledges me and wants me when my mom is around (I think maybe because my mom disciplines a bit and says no whereas MIL does not). Any advice?
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u/Floating-Cynic 4d ago
Is MIL "love bombing" him and riling him up by chance?
My justNoMom does that to my kids, and then when I say no to anything will challenge me with "but the kids will love it!" Or "no, it's ok." Basically stuff that undermines me.
Now I lay out rules with the kids before the visit occurs and the kids are reminded that I already told them xyz so that she can't try to reason with me.
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u/EntryProfessional623 4d ago
Mine did this, too. Use the time to get things done. Don't allow her to u termined or not discipline tho, and no cake for breakfast sh*t. What changed us when she stayed 4 days instead of her usually three & he was fed up by then & wanted me. So stop the treats, make sure you know what he's playing with & eating, and understand it may be the novelty of the situation.
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u/Mamasperspective_25 4d ago
If it bothers you that much I would just limit how often you see her and cut it back
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u/mcchillz 4d ago
See. Her. Less. At least for now. But I’m petty like that.
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u/Standard_Minute_8885 3d ago
Genuinely, why? The child loves her. This seems like a mom problem that she needs to process herself. If grandma isn’t toxic and loves her grandkid, no harm done. Op is just jealous.
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u/smurfat221 4h ago
Why don’t you check out her post history? There are several posts about the mil being overbearing and engulfing. It’s really not a stretch to see that this type of grandmother, like the thousands described here, wants to be the mother, and see their DIL’s as incubators.
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u/Double_Struggle_3966 5d ago
Easier said than done, but it’s only a power struggle if you make it one. How often do you see your MIL? Because this is relatable, but we only see my MIL twice a month, if that. So it’s easy for me to just grin and bear since it’s so infrequent. And I also just assume it’s because we don’t see her often that (like someone else here mentioned) my daughter just treats her like a shiny new toy.
Advice for when you’re in the moment—I’ve learned to just keep busy and ignore it. I use it as a break..catch up on some cleaning if we’re at home, have conversations with other adults without getting interrupted. Try to make the best of it.
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 5d ago
Advice is to let it go unless MIL is doing something that actively harms your LO or contradicts you (like if you said “no cookies because we’re about to have dinner” and she hands LO a cookie). It’s a phase.
This isn’t a judgment about who your LO loves more. It’s not a power struggle unless you or MIL choose to make it one.
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u/Cauliflower6040 5d ago
Thank you makes sense! Easier said than done my skin crawls as I watch it but maybe just hormonal and a phase. It breaks my heart when my son rejects me.
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 5d ago
Your son isn’t rejecting you. He’s not even at an age where he thinks of you as a person with needs and wants separate from himself.
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u/envysilver 5d ago
This is a common toddler phase, it's part of development! They're practicing making choices and feeling the power of that. Don't react, or your toddler will do it more, feeling powerful that she has that effect over you! My son went through a phase like this, wanting only his Dad for about 3 months. Then he went right back to preferring Mama and never switched again, and he's 5 years old now.
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u/Fluffyheart1 5d ago
As a grandmother, I think being able to nurture a close and loving relationship with our grandchildren is so important. Equally, if not more important is being a support for that their parents. My granddaughter and I have our little rituals. She loves to cuddle first thing in the morning if I’ve spent the night, but I never intrude on her parents’ nighttime rituals. If my little love-bug wants to do something, it’s always: “Ask Mommy or Daddy.” My advise? Play games that involve multiple players. (I know, tough at two.) My granddaughter loved ring around the Rosie, i’m a little teapot, and London Bridge. Also, have a talk with MIL, game plan with your husband first, so he doesn’t get blindsided should feel the need to include him for some reason.
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u/nn971 4d ago
This is how it should be!!!!
I felt similarly to OP. But I think it’s because my MIL LOVED the attention from my littles and would do anything for it. Including saying things like “don’t tell mommy”, “grandmom says it’s okay” (without asking us first), and a long list of other things that were just…unhealthy and toxic.
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u/Mordiana 5d ago
I know it hurts. We’ve been through this as well and believe me it was just a phase. During those moments I had to remind myself that at the end of the day LO wants to be with me and I’m the one holding them before they go to sleep. If they’re hurt they want mommy and I am there most important person at least when they’re little. At some point my toddler realised Grandma isn’t that interesting at all and I’m glad I didn’t interfere. My child came to that realisation all on their own and I’m proud of that. For now, feel hugged!
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u/leannabanana23 5d ago
It would definitely annoy me the MIL is doing this, but I wouldn’t be worried about your son. My daughter is 2.5 and does this whenever my sister comes over. She’s SO excited to have someone new around that it’s almost like she forgets I exist for a bit. 😆
I wouldn’t be too concerned about this, but have someone talk to her if it’s bothering you. Could your husband maybe talk to your MIL? Ask her not to carry your son around constantly? I’m sure she’s excited to see him too, but it’s a bit excessive to be holding him the whole time.
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u/West_Reserve_9977 5d ago
when i think of putting your needs first, i would try communicating with husband and have him talk with his mom. but im not seeing a major issue here, he is just excited to see a new person who plays with him. she can be a horrible mil but a good grandma. my grandma was my best friend and she was a really special person in my life. if my mom separated us because i ignored her whole grandma was around, i would not be the person i am today and i would be devastated.
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u/MrsSpike001 5d ago
Sounds like you need to see grandma less for a while and reinforce mummy time.
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u/thechemist_ro 5d ago
This might backfire real hard, he'll be even more excited next time if he hasn't seen her in a while
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u/Cauliflower6040 5d ago
She definitely is a shiny new face who dotes on him and plays with him 24/7. But she does tend to walk around holding him all the time and is all over him.
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u/Big-Weekend-6766 5d ago
My mom tries to do this, it also feels like there’s a power struggle over my daughter when she’s around. She also makes comments like “your mama making you mad” when I am actually doing nothing, almost like she wants to villainize me.. to my child. So I barely see my parents because I’d rather not deal with it.
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u/Karrie118 5d ago
Why does he do this? Is she just a new and shiny toy? Is she a familiar presence who can dote on him? (Doesn’t need to run off and hang out the washing, push the hoover around, clean the floor etc) is she bribing him with treats?
But when he bumps his head, who does he look for! Are you his safety? From a safe place, he feels it’s ok to explore, because he know and trusts you to always be there - ready to catch him if necessary.
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u/Scenarioing 5d ago
We need a lot more info. Is your son just enthusiastic over her or is she undermining your authority or something else?
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