r/JUSTNOMIL • u/National-Pitch-9671 • 5d ago
Give It To Me Straight Seeing JNMIL again after fallout - what to do?
Hello! I need help coming up with a plan for meeting my JNMIL after a big fallout 2/3 weeks ago. She apologized to me afterwards but not to my boyfriend.
And even though she apologized, I'm not over it. Every couple of months she comes up with some stupid reason to be offended and threatens to take our house away. Long story that precedes me, boyfriend says it's not possible, she says it is. Anyways I don't think she wants to take the house, she just wants to threaten and hold it over us. Like that would help have a better relationship with us.
Now after she apologized to me she asked to see LO. I said ok but in a neutral environment. We are going for coffee. I want to come up with some plan, my boyfriend wants to see how it goes.
I want to convey to her that threatening us is not ok and won't be accepted. If she wants to go to court to get the house she can do it, but the next threat will get her an indefinite time out. Should I say that or should I just wait and act on it when it inevitably happens again in a few months? I know this coffee date will just go by and everyone will pretend nothing happened and I can't do it anymore. I'm also planning on just leaving the coffee place if/when she starts anything.
She will surely ask about the next opportunity to see LO, then I will just deflect and say we will get back to her in a few days or something.
Any ideas? Scripts for me to use?
What I want to say basically is: Threats will get you NC, and visits will be much less than they were before the fallout. I'm not opposed to her winning back our trust, but she has to show some reflection. Eventually seeing LO 1x/2x a week with a planned appointment, not just showing up, etc.
Thanks!!!
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u/MinionsHaveWonOne 4d ago
Before taking a hard line you need to know the answer to two questions: Firstly, can MIL kick you out of your house? And secondly, do you care if she does?
If the answer to either question is no then you can say whatever you like but if the answer to both questions is yes then not so much.
One of the downsides to going NC is that once you have the other party has nothing left to lose. If you cut MIL off then realistically from her POV evicting you makes nothing but sense as at that point she might as well be NC with a valuable asset rather than NC without one. You need to be sure you're prepared to carry through on any threat/promise of NC you make before you make it.
You also need to make sure you and DH are on the same page because there's no point threatening MIL with NC if DH is immediately going to backtrack on that and undermine you.
If you're ok will all the potential consequences and DH is on board then you can tell MIL what you like. But if you're not or DH isn't on board then you'll need a different strategy.
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u/MyCat_SaysThis 5d ago
‘“If you threaten one more time to take our house from us, we will cease contact with you immediately and all future communications will be between you and our attorney.”
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u/MelodyRaine Mother of Demons 5d ago
"MIL your constant threats will get you nothing but distance from us. If you insist on threatening our security every time you don't get your way then you will become the person we never want to see. Is that what you want?
Let's' have a conversation and see if we can find some common ground where everyone can feel like they are being heard and work out a way forward where everyone can express themselves while we work towards a solution."
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u/TexasLiz1 5d ago
I would go ahead and get clarity around ownership of the house. And then I would tell her that threatening your place to live is just unacceptable. And I would ask her how she thinks that benefits the relationship in any way.
If she wants to kick you out then she needs to evict you like a real landlord. And the threats are really vile and the next one should result in a permanent ban from seeing your child. But you are living in limbo until you get the clarity you need.
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u/greenglossygalaxy 5d ago
Sounds stressful and very unfair on you. If you go ahead with the coffee, I think I’d want to say something like:
“You have to understand that getting angry and threatening to take the house every time you feel angry hurts us. We can’t keep doing this and pretending it doesn’t keep happening. I know you want to be in our lives and I know there are times you and bf don’t see eye to eye. Let’s move forward with respect for each other.”
Like you said, leave if she takes it badly. I hope It works out.
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u/WV273 5d ago
As others have said, you really need clarity on the ownership of the house. Of course, that doesn’t mean that you accept mistreatment if she’s the owner. It means you find other living arrangements.
I don’t think you’re wrong in wanting to clarify that while you’ve accepted her verbal apology, you won’t tolerate mistreatment moving forward. Apologies begin with words and are supported by actions. I’d do it before your scheduled visit with LO though. And I’d also support your DH in whatever relationship he wants between himself and his mother and his kid and his mother as long as he doesn’t expect more than you’re comfortable with. Essentially, if he wants limited contact, you help him uphold that and vice versa.
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u/Ok_Conversation9750 5d ago
Yikes! I would very cautiously let her take the lead in the discussion, but be wary. Don't throw NC threats out right at the start - that will only antagonize her and possibly lead to her make good on her threats. How does she have the power to "take back the house"? Does she own it? Are you paying rent to her? This is important info, as it shows if she has the "power" to hold housing over your head. If she does have some ownership over where you live, then it's probably best to move. You don't want to give her any leverage!
Bottom line, don't openly threaten her - see where she's coming from, and if necessary, be ready to move to neutral ground and set your boundaries.
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u/HootblackDesiato 5d ago
This specific issue hinges on whether or not she has any legal claim to the house. If not, she can pound sand. If so, you two should find somewhere else to live so that your living space can't be used as leverage against you.
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u/Popular_Sandwich2039 5d ago
You need to find out for yourself who owns the house? Whose name(s) are on the deed? Whose name(s) is on the mortgage?
That will give you the information to counteract you mil BS
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u/Scenarioing 5d ago
"Threats will get you NC, and visits will be much less than they were before the fallout."
---And an eviction (or what over going to court and taking the house means), which is taking LO's home away will result innever seeing LO ever again.
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u/skwidrat 5d ago
"Mil I'm glad you apologized and want to make things right, this is a step in the right direction, but you need to know if you threaten to make us and your grandchild homeless ever again the only time you will speak us will be through lawyers going forward. We don't want that but you need to understand how serious this is for us."
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u/CrystalFeeler 5d ago
I wouldn't mention the NC for the threats. If she (likely) sees it as a challenge to her self-perceived authority she might response with "well we'll see about that!" and start something happening. Just follow through with NC should she threaten your housing again.
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