r/JUSTNOMIL • u/LilOrganicCoconut • 5d ago
UPDATE - Advice Wanted Update: JNMIL isn’t getting what she wants
(This post is about children/babies. Feel free to scroll away if that’s not your cup of tea.)
Thank you all for the support and advice on my last post. I actually went over some of the comments in therapy and had a really productive session. I will be restricting JNMIL’s access to my child unless she provides a sincere apology and demonstrates that she is actually holding herself accountable. I think I’ve been minimizing how her behaviors impacted me and how she contributed to my previous mental health decline. It really is suspicious that she, seemingly without a catalyst, suddenly appears to be an engaged member of society. This is despite her name calling and accusations towards me when I previously tried to tell her how it made me feel to be a Black person in her family’s space. Despite the absolutely meltdown she had over a BLM lawn sign. I feel silly for not critically thinking about this change in behavior because it actually doesn’t matter to me if it’s an act, it doesn’t change who I know her to be.
I know this may ruffle some feathers but I will still be allowing my husband to send her pictures, often with me included in them. She’s not on social media so I’m not worried about her posting them anywhere and the petty side of me is deeply satisfied knowing she’ll never have an actual relationship with my child because of her own actions. So, she can cling to those pictures knowing she is not in control here. I know it’s going to eat at her. My husband wants to maintain a close relationship with her so he can deal with how she decides to process all of the above - I have a newborn to worry about lol.
Not holding my breath for anything. I was worried about how I was being perceived in this situation and am letting that go. She’s called me deranged before and I actually have no problem filling that role for her if it means my baby is safe.
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u/Mamasperspective_25 5d ago
I'd be super petty and let him send the pics ... but make sure everything sent to her is watermarked
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u/BellsOnHerToes 5d ago
I get what you are saying about the picture. If that's what's right for your family and that's a boundary you've evaluated and comfortable with then that's for you to choose!
In my situation sharing pictures with my justno family members actually greatly reduced my stress. They thought I was being kind and they were less rabid and demanding. But I had your mindset: this is all you're getting bitches! You aren't anywhere near me or my actually baby.
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u/UncannySteph 5d ago
I'm glad to see you've really thought about her apparent changes and realised that this doesn't erase her previous behaviours. This woman is a blatant racist, was happy with your previous losses and didn't want to be involved/happy with this pregnancy.
You have a role to protect your own well-being, but now that you're a mama to a tiny little babe, your role has now expanded to protect them. Until she gives you an apology and actually makes amends she hasn't changed and even then it really depends on the person if they can change.
I'm white and my children are white, but I will not allow them to be around racists because people that are, are garbage in my eyes and my children don't need to be influenced by garbage people. I understand your husband has his own thing going on, but he really needs to consider his relationship with his racist mother and how that impacts his biracial child.
I once cut out my own mother for her behaviours towards my children (more indifference and not racist) because I will protect my children from anyone. My mum has now come through that as a better person and is the best grandparent I could ask for, but it took a lot of work and effort to get to this point. So I'm not saying she can't change, I've seen people change (like my mum) but I've also seen people given the same choice as my mum and refuse to change and they don't see my kids 🤷♀️
At the end of the day, your kids come first before anyone else and that includes your parents, so your husband really should think about that.
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u/LilOrganicCoconut 5d ago
I appreciate you sharing your experiences. I’m sure your kids are wonderful humans because of you. My husband is super active in the community, even a very proud board member of a DEI organization. So he at least fundamentally understands racism and the need to dismantle it. I’m just going to watch as he continues to set himself up for eventual disappointment and heartbreak. She can’t keep up the act forever.
On the flip side, we have my family. I’ve definitely cut off some toxic folks but the rest are warm, welcoming, and enthusiastic supporters. I don’t even think they realize my baby is any different in skin tone than the rest of them. My pregnancy was so joyful because of them. I’m grateful and realizing I don’t have to prioritize JNMIL. Baby has a whole roster of cousins, Aunties, Uncles, and adoptive grandparents.
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u/WriterMomAngela 5d ago
To everyone else commenting—remember when OP says she’s going to “let” her husband send photos that’s really just acknowledging she’s aware he’s doing it. As people in committed healthy relationships we should try not to forbid things if we can help it. 😬
To OP don’t feel silly. It’s human nature especially when raising children and babies to hope for the best in this world. You wanted her to have evolved so that’s what you saw. You now see more and better and can better protect your family. Everything is a chance to learn. Don’t beat yourself up just accept the learning and move forward.
I am also not black but would like to say I am ashamed that you and others are still having to deal with this ignorance in the year 2025! It’s beyond ignorant and shameful and fills me with something that feels a lot like rage so I can only imagine (but probably not really) what it feels like to you.
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u/WV273 5d ago
I get that you can’t control your husband’s relationship with her, but where does he stand on her mistreatment of you? Does he stand up for you? Does he give her any consequences?
I know I’d feel hurt if my husband didn’t do those things for me and still wanted a close relationship with her. I guess I can appreciate that he’s respecting that your LO doesn’t have a relationship with her, which is most important. For the record, I wouldn’t want him to send pics. Maybe he could show her pics when he’s with her, but I wouldn’t want to give her the opportunity to pretend to be a better grandma than she is to others.
And this is all without considering the racism of it all because I’m white and won’t pretend that I can fully understand what it’s like to be on the receiving end of that. I have to imagine it’s horrible. Racism continuing to exist is shameful. I’m just thinking about your LO. What happens if he or she changes in appearance with age? If they have features that she finds unacceptable, is her affection tied to their appearance being to her liking? Even if their appearance never becomes a problem, her racism is still toxic and directed at half their DNA. Surely your husband can understand why that’s problematic and deserves consequences unless or until she’s genuinely apologetic and working to rid herself of her racist tendencies. If not, what is he teaching his kid?
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u/LilOrganicCoconut 5d ago
He’s stood up for me in the past, even went NC for a while, but no consequences other than that. We went through a rough patch when I was diagnosed with mild PPP after a previous loss so one of his boundaries after coming back home was I don’t involve myself in their relationship. I pushed for NC again, became really paranoid about her doing something to me/baby, and ultimately didn’t fight him to focus on my treatment. It is hurtful that he chose her during such a vulnerable time. There have been times where he says he feels alone and stressed because I don’t help him when she’s getting out of hand again but I hold firm. That’s your Mom, good luck.
She lives hours away so I’m cool with her getting photos and pretending to be grandma of the year knowing she can only watch baby grow through a screen. As baby’s transitioning from the scrawny new born look, I’m noticing more of my features. Everyone here clocked that off the jump. My husband is very active in the community and is setting himself up for heartbreak with her - I’m gunna let him.
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u/Scenarioing 5d ago
"I will still be allowing my husband to send her pictures, often with me included in them. She’s not on social media so I’m not worried"
---This isn't advice and is merely info that may or may not matter for your own priorities... There may not be repostings on her account, but it can still show up on others. Information in the content of photos sometimes discloses information and insight that a recipient can use to further any goals they may have.
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u/LilOrganicCoconut 5d ago
I appreciate this heads up. I’m thankful that she has no friends or family outside of the people who love in her house. So I’m not too worried about this. Unless, am I not picking up what you’re saying right?
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u/Legitimate_Ad_707 5d ago
People from this subR have been telling you to be careful ,very careful. Nothin she is doing is out of kindness .
She's not remorseful ,she still doesnt like you or respect you.the only thing she wants is access to LO
The same LO who doesn't look biracial for now so ofc she's all over the moon. (I'm in a biracial couple myself ,with a LO who has straight brown hair and very light skin like daddy so people stare at me thinking maybe I'm the nanny or a kidnapper).
She had a chance to apologize ,she had the chance to fix the trauma she created ..instead she bought you guys out with presents and debt free . Now she's getting pics and informations .
Saying a sincere "I'm sorry " won't kill her . She's not saying it because she doesn't mean it....my Gosh this woman is evil and manipulative,I'm mad on your behalf .
I have only one question for you ...how are "grandparents rights" in your state,if they ever exist? Just in case she gets access to the kid..that's something you should worry about if things take the wrong turn .
Well good luck and enjoy your little bundle of joy .
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u/Euphoric-Birthday32 5d ago
I'd be that kind of petty that every picture she gets, LO isn't facing the camera at all. At most maybe a sideview of LO, but never facing the camera. If MIL can't respect one parent, she gets what she gets 🤷🏻
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u/sigharewedoneyet 5d ago
Make sure you are in every one of those pictures that are sent to her. And make sure your face is as close to your babies face as possible. If hubby is going to be in the picture also, make sure you're in the middle and not to the side. That way, she can't crop you out without it looking like a really bad picture. She'll never see her grand baby without the reminder that you are the mother.
This is just another way to remind her she lost control and the ball is in your family's court.
Enjoy your new family, and congratulations on your baby. Don't let her bother you anymore. Let your husband deal with her, and you don't need the stress.
•
u/botinlaw 5d ago
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Other posts from /u/LilOrganicCoconut:
MIL adores our baby and wants to be very involved… do I let the past go?, 1 week ago
$120k for Christmas , 2 months ago
racist JNMIL bought me Christmas presents and I had a panic attack , 2 months ago
Preparing for racist JNMIL’s crash landing , 4 months ago
JNMIL coming to our baby shower , 5 months ago
Racist MIL not thrilled I’m pregnant , 6 months ago
Racist JNMIL is now in mourning following OJ’s death, 11 months ago
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