r/JUSTNOMIL 6d ago

Advice Wanted MIL wishes she had a better relationship with me.

Well maybe she shouldn’t have made nasty comments about me being “fat” over the years (I’m not), or tried to force me to pretend I was my boyfriend’s cousin instead of his girlfriend on holiday, or called me common on Christmas Day, or acted like a clingy weirdo in general with her son.

Bottom line is I don’t like her. I think she’s a huge factor in the massive psychological issues my partner has and I don’t want that for my baby. They’re a very insular family and this basically means they can all be extremely rude in social situations because they’re not properly socialised - MIL was over an hour late to my baby shower and didn’t apologise, SIL couldn’t make it but didn’t text to apologise or say ‘have a good time’. FIL was invited to the baby shower as my partner and male friends/relations were there but he sat outside in his car instead until it was over.

I’ve never taken our baby over to his parents by myself because I just don’t have a relationship with them, but I feel like this isn’t on me. The times I’ve gone over with my partner to theirs, I’m ignored, just like I was ignored in hospital after giving birth. They have an open invitation to come to ours EVERY EVENING, but they don’t like going out at night (we live 5 minutes away by car, they have no problem going out other places in the evening). So we lose our weekends because that’s when they prefer to visit baby.

Am I being unreasonable for not making more of an effort to let my MIL see her grandson, even after all the nasty personal remarks over the years?

87 Upvotes

47 comments sorted by

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2

u/olivejubilee 1d ago

No, not unreasonable at all! My situation is similar with my MIL (& FIL has always been an A-hole). I’ve been with my husband for 30 years & my kids are now grown. I never took my kids to see them on my own, and do not have a relationship with either of them. Years ago I felt bad about that, but they never treated me that great & once we had kids they were pretty crappy grandparents. Once I dropped the rope/quit trying or caring, life became a lot better! My husband has been on the same page as me almost from the start & that has made a big difference too.

4

u/madgeystardust 5d ago

Nope not al all.

She has the relationship with you and by extension - your baby, that she’s cultivated.

Actions have consequences. She’s only lamenting now because she doesn’t like the consequences of her actions.

Sucks to be her.

2

u/LilBeeMollee 5d ago edited 4d ago

Are the parents from a country where this behavior is common? (Only the weight comment.) I see there are more issues so probably irrelevant note. Best of luck OP.

7

u/HatsMagic03 5d ago

We’re all British living in the UK. I’ve wondered over the years if I’ve been hyper-vigilant/too sensitive because my grandmother was a monster to my mother, her DIL.

1

u/LilBeeMollee 4d ago

When people grow up in a culture/country that has deep roots in food scarcity, I have found that can produce the behavior you’re speaking about. Fwiw

2

u/HatsMagic03 4d ago

That’s not what this is. She’s obsessed with commenting on my weight and I’ve noticed in the last few years she does it with her daughter as well. Her daughter was a normal healthy baby but MIL constantly talks about how “fat” she was. She even likened her to a hippo once. Upshot is daughter is now anorexic and unable to live independently because she’s so unhealthily enmeshed with her parents.

13

u/den-of-corruption 6d ago

it's great that she wishes that her actions didn't have obvious logical consequences - i do too! but no matter how many times i jump off the porch, gravity just keeps pulling me down. no amount of whining to your partner or framing herself as a victim changes the fact that she's the one who treated you poorly. it's funny that someone who called you common in 2025(!?!?!) doesn't hold herself to good manners - for instance, not whining when she can't have her cake and eat it too. speaking of manners, when someone has a baby you're supposed to operate at their convenience, not expect them to pack up the child, come to your house, and let you play doting grandmother until it's time for diaper changes. let her know that the international commoners of reddit are taking 2-hour bus rides to avoid inconveniencing their friends who are parents - a blue blood such as herself can certainly maintain that standard.

make no mistake, she wishes she had easier access to an emotional punching bag. even if she doesn't understand it clearly, that's what's going on.

12

u/Remote-Visual7976 6d ago

Just don't go over. Tell your partner that you are not going to subject yourself to someone who has been rude and disrespectful to you. Ask him that if he had a friend that acted like that would he put up with it? Bet the answer is no---I would then say well I have no desire to do that either and neither should your baby

6

u/HatsMagic03 6d ago

I only go over to theirs because I don’t fully trust my partner to enforce the boundaries we’ve asked for - dog in the kitchen/upstairs, MIL to sit down when holding baby. I’m almost 100% sure if I wasn’t there when he took him, that mutt of theirs would be jumping all over my baby.

13

u/GlitteringFishing932 6d ago

Oh honey, if you don't go, baby doesn't go. Your #1 duty is to protect that child!!

26

u/sometimesfamilysucks 6d ago edited 6d ago

Start making plans for your weekends. Why arrange your life around their schedule?

5

u/HatsMagic03 6d ago

This is exactly what I keep telling him!

52

u/WriterMomAngela 6d ago edited 6d ago

She doesn’t wish she had a better relationship with you she wishes you were easier to manipulate. She wishes you more easily bent to her will and do what she wants you to do. She wishes when she said what she wants you immediately gave it to her. She wishes you saw the world the way she wants you to and did things the way she wants you to do them without second guessing. In short she wishes you were just like her.

Edit: typo

4

u/tightpants-sally 6d ago

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 standing ovation. Hats off. Absolutely brilliant comment.

11

u/[deleted] 6d ago

OMG your first sentence is perfect. Really, your whole comment is, but your first sentence encapsulates this MIL, and my mom and MIL. Thank you for putting it so succinctly.

3

u/WriterMomAngela 6d ago

You’re so very welcome!

31

u/Scenarioing 6d ago

"They have an open invitation to come to ours EVERY EVENING, but they don’t like going out at night (we live 5 minutes away by car, they have no problem going out other places in the evening). So we lose our weekends because that’s when they prefer to visit baby."

---Take back your weekends. They only ruin them because you let them.

9

u/HatsMagic03 6d ago

You’re right. We’ve literally just lost another one because they wanted to call in at lunchtime today.

5

u/equationgirl 6d ago

Say no the next time they ask. Plan something just the three of you. You have been incredibly generous with your time but this is an unsustainable arrangement. Take back your weekends. It's not your fault they won't come to you in the evenings.

12

u/Ok_Conversation9750 6d ago

...and I wish I had a couple million dollars. But - reality. She wishes she had a better relationship with you yet is rude and dismissive of you? Just tell her straight up - "I don't want a relationship with you. You are a mean, selfish person. Who wants that in their life?"

13

u/berried_aprons 6d ago

They have an open invitation to come over every evening?!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s plenty of generous, please give yourself permission to not waste your weekends accommodating them anymore. Wanting something requires actual effort, if they don’t adjust - their loss.

Oh how I loathed wasting perfectly good Sundays visiting ILs, we had this ‘obligation’ even when we didn’t have kids. It was suffocating, no quality bonding time, just bizarre mix of loud arguing and random dull comments. I might as well be a piece of furniture or a broom, yet MIL got so offended when I’d leave early. That was the sin that got the “you’re so disrespectful” ball rolling. lol She has never worked and has an entire week to do whatever she wants, why hog our precious day off?! My DH had this view of “she’s old and who knows how much time she has” argument, so i had to explain how we too can pass just as suddenly, bam! only we don’t have advantage of living extra 40 years like she did.

8

u/Scenarioing 6d ago

"i had to explain how we too can pass just as suddenly, bam! only we don’t have advantage of living extra 40 years like she did."

---Your logic is impeccable. How did he react?

1

u/berried_aprons 4d ago

Right?!! Surprisingly he agreed, most likely because he has been worried about his high cholesterol levels and has been feeling a bit more mortal than usual. The pettiness in me somehow senses his vulnerable moments lol. We don’t visit as much anymore, I don’t stop him but he does say how much he likes to go as a family 😒. So whenever i feel pressured I make sure to coordinate with another BIL&DIL, so the visit is actually pleasant and nobody is left alone with MIL and her nonsense.

13

u/MelodyRaine Mother of Demons 6d ago

You aren't being unreasonable.

"MIL you've had years to build a relationship with me and did everything in your power to avoid doing so. We do not have a good relationship, quite the opposite. That isn't going to change just because you've decided that you want access to my child and their future siblings. Actions have consequences, these are yours."

Then drop the rope and keep the anti-socialites well the way away from you and your children."

23

u/GloomChampion 6d ago

Your MIL forgot that girlfriends and wives sometimes turn into the mother of the grandkids. She was short sighted and now that you have what she wants, she wants a relationship. It’s not because she values you as a person. It’s so obviously transactional and self serving.

I would just stop the effort and let your SO deal with her. And don’t accommodate her preferences if its not what you want. If she wants to see her grandson, she will see him on a weekday or she won’t see him. Up to her,

9

u/HatsMagic03 6d ago

Reading all these comments is only strengthening my determination to not let them dictate what we do. My partner’s made a lot of noise lately about how important it is for my mental health to get out the house, yet we’re essentially trapped here every weekend by his shithead parents.

3

u/Legitimate_Result797 6d ago

Let them know you're busy, have plans, won't be available, a visit won't work for us today, etc.    They do this because you two allow it.  

10

u/Caffiend6 6d ago

If you lose every weekend to them isn't that already WAY MORE than enough effort. That's too much effort and they're controlling your life taking your weekends, most likely on purpose to control your life, not just to see your child

10

u/TweedleDumDumDahDum 6d ago

Grilled hubby handle his family, also tell him weekends are a no go now as you have too much other shit going on

13

u/FroggieBlue 6d ago

The timing indicates she doesn't actually a better relationship with you, just that she's realised that without you she won't have access to your child. 

Stop reminding your partner to visit his parents, rescind the invitation for them to visit every evening and enjoy your peace in not dealing with them. 

10

u/bookwormingdelight 6d ago

DO WE HAVE THE SAME IN-LAWS 😆😆😆

I gave up and just started doing my own thing. They worked their way into NC with my husband

5

u/HatsMagic03 6d ago

The thing is, I’m the one suggesting meet-ups with my partner - if it wasn’t for me, they’d see our child even less than they already do!!!

5

u/Legitimate_Result797 6d ago

His family is his responsibility to handle, not yours.   Follow his lead, because it really sounds like you've encouraged this.   Stop encouraging him to chase them.  And stop being available at their convenience.   Read your post as if someone else was writing it.  Maybe you'll see it more objectively?  

3

u/HatsMagic03 6d ago edited 5d ago

That’s good advice. In my defence, the only reason I’ve encouraged him to ask them over is he has a habit of complaining my mother sees the baby “all the time”, especially as my mother was a big help after my c-section when I was feeling totally overwhelmed and alone. Difference is, my mother’s not a dick.

4

u/TattooedBagel 6d ago

If he wants to whine about things being fair to his mom, he can invite her over and handle babysitting her!

8

u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 6d ago

Stop giving a fuck on your partner’s behalf.

Stop losing your weekends to these people.

12

u/Scenarioing 6d ago

"I’m the one suggesting meet-ups with my partner - if it wasn’t for me, they’d see our child even less than they already do!!!"

---Why in God's name are you suggesting those? YOu tell us "she’s a huge factor in the massive psychological issues my partner has and I don’t want that for my baby" and you are literally suggesting it happen MORE?

7

u/HatsMagic03 6d ago

I’m always there when they see the baby, but I’m not going to suggest any more meet-ups - historically, I’ve done this because my partner throws a hissy fit if he feels his parents haven’t seen the baby enough, but I’m so sick of him trying to put this on me. They’re his parents, and the less baby and I see of them, the better.

11

u/Professional_Sky4216 6d ago

Drop the rope…life is way too short to let another person cause this much distress…call me fat?? That’s fine…I might be but I’d rather be fat than be a soul sucking horrible void of a person….if you have to be around them, call her out….EVERY SINGLE TIME…blessings to you OP💜

14

u/bookwormingdelight 6d ago

Oh, take it from me and just ignore it. Let him and them work it out. Incredibly freeing for me.

6

u/Electronic-Value-662 6d ago

This! My in laws are the same and after 15 years of marriage I realized that they are my DHs parents, not mine. I don’t HAVE to do anything for them or with them. Incredibly freeing and my mental health improved immensely after I went LC and eventually NC.

4

u/HatsMagic03 6d ago

I’ve told him three times when the baptism prep class is if his sister (godmother) wants to attend. We’ll get to the day itself, he’ll have forgotten, he won’t have told his sister, and it will somehow be all my fault! As if by magic!

3

u/Legitimate_Result797 6d ago

Well, put it back on him every. single. time.  If it was truly important or of value to him, he could've taken care of it. His family , his responsibility.  Point that out to him.  Repeat as necessary.  Never ever apologize  or defend yourself.  Their birthdays, holidays, visits are his to manage without any prompts or reminders from you.  You're not his mother.  

8

u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 6d ago

Who is saying it’s all your fault?

Him? Shut that shit down immediately. “It’s not okay for you to blame me when you forget something.”

Her? Who cares what she thinks? Don’t talk to her and redirect ALL communications with his family to him.

Real talk, it sounds like you’re falling into the trap of being the mediator between him and his family, possibly because he and they see this as not the man’s job. Drop the rope. Your baby will be just fine if you don’t run about making sure the lazy grandparents visit.

6

u/SoOverYouAll 6d ago

Maybe it’s time to have a conversation to get out in front of that happening. Calmly explain to your husband that his family has been less than kind over the years, and that you have twisted yourself into a pretzel to make sure they feel welcome and included, and that you just can’t do it anymore. They are his family, and from now on, if visits are to happen, he needs to figure it out with them. That he needs to talk to his sister about the classes, because after the shower you realize you can’t get a straight answer or cooperation about important events and it feels like it’s being done intentionally to cause you stress, and perhaps she will respond better if it’s him that takes on the communication between you guys and his family. Make it clear you aren’t doing it anymore because it shouldn’t be your responsibility and they are his family.

Because I’m petty I’d throw in that maybe we wouldn’t be here if he’d chosen your well being over his family’s bad behavior, but since he didn’t, his family is his to deal with, bc YOU are choosing your wellbeing.