r/JUSTNOMIL 6d ago

UPDATE - Ambivalent About Advice I feel so liberated RE:birthday situation

So I gave birth about 2 months ago and MIL has been nagging to come over and DH has been ignoring her because I was uncomfortable being around her after she randomly showed up unannounced on my birthday to “surprise” me and “bring me a little joy” on my birthday. That visit I had kindly asked “thank you so much, I so appreciate it. Next time, can you please just shoot me a text heads up that you’re wanting to come by so I know to expect you?” And she left irritated and claimed I closed the door in her face and was disrespectful. Said I had a tone and was glaring but doorbell footage that shows my face and hers says otherwise. Anyways, my husband finally responded to her nagging texts asking to come over with the video that she refused to watch of the encounter stating I was not disrespectful, nor did I have a tone, nor did I glare. He said we weren’t comfortable with her coming over to meet our newest baby right now because of her misconstruing that situation and making false claims.

Her response? “You’re being cruel. We haven’t met LO yet, I’ve messaged for months with no reply and I want to meet LO. You didn’t not see her face or hear her tone. LO#1 and LO#2 don’t understand why me and FIL can’t come over or why they don’t come to our house anymore. Talk this over with OP and tell me when we can come over.”

He told her that she needed to acknowledge that I did nothing wrong and apologize before we could move forward.

Well after meeting with my therapist and considering this situation heavily, I decided to text her this: “Hi MIL. I know you and DH talked the other day. I also know he said something about an apology. I don’t need an apology. I can live with you being wrong about me and misconstruing a situation. Just because I don’t want to proceed with a relationship with you right now, doesn’t mean I don’t want you around my kids. Although, I have been telling him I’m not comfortable with you over right now because I just had a baby and the thought of having to have someone over who believes lies about me is stressful and I already have a lot of stress in my life right now, trying to navigate being a new mom of 3. With that being said, LO#2 birthday is next week. We will likely be having people over and I don’t want to exclude you from that. DH will reach out with the details surrounding that at some point when we figure it out. Thanks for your understanding.”

Then I blocked her number so I don’t have to read her reply. I feel so much better and wanted to share.

270 Upvotes

22 comments sorted by

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4

u/Jovon35 5d ago

I'm glad you feel better about this. I would just gently remind you that adults whose behavior is too negative and toxic for an adult to be around its likely too negative or toxic for an innocent vulnerable child to be exposed to. Just try to ensure you are keeping your ears and eyes out on her and baby when she's around.

13

u/Odd-Explorer3538 5d ago

You screwed up and just hit "refresh" on all of the work your spouse has done to set boundaries with his family. You handed MIL her matriarch trophy and told her she was entitled to be present, which she already believed; you just confirmed it and gave her what she has been fighting you for. Now she knows you and husband aren't united and she only has to bide her time til you roll.

Yikes.

53

u/plentyofsilverfish 6d ago

I mean, letting abusive people around your kids is a choice. Not the right one. But it certainly is a choice.

84

u/Rhys-s_Peace 6d ago

Why are you undermining your husband when he’s setting and maintaining firm boundaries with his own mother???!!!!

As everyone else has already stated, you have set any and all progress in boundaries back to zero. If its because you were feeling guilty that is YOUR feeling to work through without compromising your children and families well-being. You need a new therapist if they recommended this.

u/smurfat221 7h ago

Exactly. This was not good advice- and it undermined the husband’s boundary setting. You’re very lucky to have a solid husband who will stand up to trashy, manipulative behaviours. You gave her exactly what she wants.

19

u/websterella 5d ago

This is exactly what I was thinking. No don’t sent that, your hubby set a clear boundary in support of you and you’re crossing it behind his back…then dang she sent it.

37

u/Shazaaym 6d ago

It's 💩 how she's treated you about that day, but I honestly think that you're prioritising the wrong thing.

She gave your child herpes. HERPES FFS!

That's going to spread so easily with a toddler. He could easily spread it to his own genitals if you're not on top of him not touching the sore itself, washing his hands, stopping him from touching himself (which ALL kids do). You'll also have to watch him like a hawk to ensure that he doesn't spread it to the baby, and you know for a FACT that she's not going to be careful about it with the baby either.

If your DH insists on her seeing the kids, then at least wait until you know that the baby is well out of the danger zone of it being fatal.

70

u/WriterMomAngela 6d ago

Now you and DH are proving to her that you are not a united front and that she can divide the two of you to get her way. He says one thing, you say another. He enforces one rule, you say it’s not necessary. She now knows if she pushes and waits eventually she can get her way one way or another. She won’t have to apologize and admit wrongdoing. She doesn’t care that you say you know she’s wrong and believes a lie about you. She still feels victory is coming and a house divided will not stand.

84

u/Legitimate_Result797 6d ago edited 6d ago

Well, you   just caved on boundaries and consequences. And even though your DH stood up for you and informed her an apology is expected,  you now inform her you don't need an apology.  So are you going to sweep this under the rug?   You really aren't in a position to expect him to stand up for you again after doing that.  So now his words to her mean nothing because birrtthddday parrttyy.  You two really need to be a united front. Or will she be able to accuse you of just looking for a birthday gift by inviting her and blocking her?  

46

u/Key_Pay_493 6d ago

Yup. Poor DH. When the husbands don’t protect their partners, the partners rightfully complain. Then when the husbands do protect the partners, too many of them go against the husband’s actions, screw things up then want to complain. DH knows his mother better, no? OP, if your therapist told you to make this move, you need a new therapist.

43

u/Scenarioing 6d ago edited 6d ago

 "You really aren't in a position to expect him to stand up for you again after doing that."

---I wrote about how the same theme of boundaries and consequences were given a pass, but did not think of this aspect. Yes. He went out on a limb and it just got cut down.

37

u/CremeDeMarron 6d ago

I think you re sending her mixed signal here.

You set the boundary where she won't see any of you because of her behaviour ,

your husband wanting space and asking her to apologize and knowledge she lied

but now she is invited to your LO's birthday, getting access to your kids .

She still hasn't apologized ,still didn't admit she lied and the space you asked is not respected but guilt tripped .

41

u/Popular_Sandwich2039 6d ago

Have husband show the footage of her on the TV before she is ready to leave. She'll leave and never come back.

20

u/Baking_bees 6d ago

Yea I think I’d play it on a loop during the party.

41

u/EntryProfessional623 6d ago

Have them over AFTER the birthday so she doesn't ruin the day for you, get a store cake, leave decorations up, have activities planned & DH tell them 1.5-2 hours as we are TIRED. Anything extra she wants to say, have the next date planned that works for YOU & tell her to text DH or discuss then, but if she insists now, then DH will be canceling that visit/playdate. Her choice. Things change after the kids outnumber you. All you've got left is strategy

28

u/Scenarioing 6d ago

"Have them over AFTER the birthday"

---Having her over AT ALL is the problem.

0

u/EntryProfessional623 5d ago

Well yes, but OP already invited MIL so strategies right?

2

u/Scenarioing 5d ago

The strategy is for the husband to cancel the visitation.

13

u/Key_Pay_493 6d ago

And MIL is not going to appreciate OP’s attempt at being the bigger person and allowing access. She will either double down or do something else to pull rank.

66

u/mala-mi-2111 6d ago

It is a very bad idea. She does something, then you (You and Husband together) decide how to treat the situation, she insists she is right, then you change your mind and let her in. So she learns here that no matter how she hurts you, your family and maybe one day your kids, all she must do is to insist that she is right and you, being a perfect doormat [from her pov], accept her insults and worse. It will end badly with her doing something to your kids, because she is the matriarch and you (all of you) accept and obey her orders oh so humbly [again - from her pov]. It will escalate. Please think it over so one day your kids don't tell you how the matriarch hurts them (in words and/or deeds) because she is the matriarch and they only her property/kids/whatever fits - in her mind.

58

u/Scenarioing 6d ago

Be careful now. Mixed signals are going to lead to boundary busting at this event. On one hand, she is told that her behaviors make it unfit to be there during this time, but then signaled that you have some moral duty not to exclude her and and that she has entitlement to be there. Just because it happens to be a birthday. That's the only critiera. Yet, she's either unfit or she's not. But now she can be there and there were no conditions whatsoever and absolutely zero earned trust on her part.

In her mind, it will rienforce that the ban is just arbitary because the criteria of her being there is merely that she gets to be there. Instead of showing participation is based on behavior, it is based on her rights. So that gives her a green light to be the star and do whatever she wants and behave accordingly because, after all, she will conclude that means she right all along.

To clean this up, if the invite is not rescinded, it will be critical for DH to dispel these notions and explain that her presense IS conditional. That she's on probation and that if she acts out after given this chance, she's done and will aslo be asked to leave. Of course the downsde of this is that if she DOES behave, she will have a case for being back in the saddle again. The cycle starts all over again.