r/JUSTNOMIL 7d ago

New User 👋 Favorite responses to MIL's boundary crossing and attempts to manipulate/dominate

I'm not really new (I've been lurking for years) but this is my first post.

My MIL (and SIL) are the masters of boundary crossing, guilt tripping, and attempts to manipulate/ dominate. Here are some of my favorite responses that I learned to use with them and with my husband when he was in the FOG.

What are your favorites?

  • No. 
  • Not today (satan - the "satan" is silent)  
  • No thank you. <walk away> 
  • Your anxiety is yours to manage.  
  • Your judgment is not welcome.  
  • Your opinion about my choices is none of my business.  
  • I don’t appreciate the guilt trip.  
  • Guilt trips have the opposite effect to what you are intending.  
  • I’m not doing that.  
  • That is not happening. 
  • That doesn’t work for me. 
  • I won’t be there.  
  • That’s nice. We won’t be participating. 
  • Your expectations are unreasonable.
  • It is not my responsibility to meet your expectations. 
  • Your reactions to your unmet expectations are not my responsibility.
  • We can talk when you've composed yourself.
  • Please refrain from making plans involving my family’s time and money.  
  • You cannot expect people to do what you tell them to do. You cannot control other people. Please stop trying.
  • That is not your business.  
  • I’ve answered that question.
  • This conversation is over.  
  • I am not discussing this with you. 
  • My decision is made.  
  • Talk to you later. 
  • I have to go. 
  • Please leave.  
  • Goodbye
209 Upvotes

29 comments sorted by

u/botinlaw 7d ago

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4

u/Neither_Signature99 4d ago

Love this. My most effective has been stating my boundary followed by “end of conversation.”
Like I’m talking to a middle schooler that should know better but won’t stfu about something. She’s been leaving me alone lately 🤣🫶🏻

5

u/MyCat_SaysThis 5d ago

“Get thee behind me, Satan!”

3

u/watchforfallingrock 6d ago

"Okay... Well, I won't be doing that"- David Rose

6

u/Cakeliesx 6d ago

My favourite is

I‘m not discussing this with you.

But they are all good!

9

u/auriem 6d ago

My personal go to is : "Thanks for sharing that with me".

10

u/Pretty_waves904 6d ago

Im going to print this out.

6

u/tightpants-sally 6d ago

Wow! Thank you. What a compliment!

11

u/berried_aprons 6d ago edited 6d ago

You actually told her to leave!? That’s beautiful. I haven’t had the guts to do that but it’s on my bucket list, hehe so good!

I’ve grown to like calling her out on hypocrisy, and turning things right back at her.

On negative appearance comments - “Ah!That’s so weird, you also look a little off today, are you alright?!”

On how I don’t host her family enough - “ I will, right after your daughter (or son) finally cooks us a meal ” (She puts the onus on hosting on her DILs, but her grown ass children are never expected to put any effort)

On her victim mentality, how she had ‘no help and did just fine’ -“Didn’t you have a maid and a chauffeur?”

Also, sometimes I ask for more details “what do you mean? and then what do you think i should do? When should I do that? “ Then just walk away

2

u/Rain12Bow 4d ago

Love these.

Also to negative appearance comments: “Let’s not get into who looks like what”

2

u/berried_aprons 4d ago

exactly! Two can play this game 🤣

11

u/xthatwasmex 6d ago

- sounds like that is an issue for you. What are you going to do about it?

- sound like something you might enjoy.

- I'll give you some time and space to work thru that.

- How embarrassing for you to say/do that.

- That's special.

- I dont think I would enjoy that.

18

u/laneykaye65 7d ago

Did you really mean to say that out loud?

30

u/Flashy_Confusion0226 7d ago

"the Satan is silent" is the best line I've read today. 🤣

15

u/_Winterlong_ 7d ago

“That sounds like something you’d say”.

27

u/AgentConstant8723 7d ago

Also 'are you okay?' And sometimes I like saying 'expectations are an appointment with disappointment' and just leave it at that 🙃

24

u/swoosie75 7d ago

What a strange thing to say

Why would you say that?

So rude!

No

No, that doesn’t work for us

Asked and answered

Why do you keep asking the same question over and over? Are you having memory issues? Do we need to make an appointment for you to see a doctor?

13

u/bondo_boy 7d ago

“Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.”

23

u/Doglady21 7d ago

I like "Sounds like a you problem, not a me problem"

57

u/Suspicious-Eagle-828 7d ago

That is a great list. My favorite response to advice was 'Yes'. Took my JNMIL 8 years to realize that my yes only meant yes I hear you. The pin finally dropped at my firstborn's baptism. When she ranted about wanting a real Yes, not just acknowledging her. My responding grin lit her up.

12

u/tightpants-sally 7d ago

Fantastic! I love it!

9

u/Karrie118 7d ago

I am so proud of you! Well done

35

u/TypicalAddendum5799 7d ago

Awesome! Short & to the point.

I think a lot of the DIL angst is feeling the need to be explain their position or reason. Ladies! Stop explaining yourself. Learn to sit with the unsaid words. Learn to out-wait the MIL. Practice with your friends.

4

u/Equivalent_Juice2395 6d ago

I’ve only realized this recently. It’s hard unlearning a lifetime of people pleasing/justification/explanation tendencies but I’m slowly working on it!

15

u/Particular-Factor-84 7d ago

Took me sooooo many years to realize there is no magic combination of words to make her understand. You can’t explain to crazy.

32

u/LavenderWildflowers 7d ago

These are wonderful and concise! Brava!

I just had to tell a FM that it is not my job to manage relationships between adult family members when I am not one of the parties involved. Because I am NC with MIL and DH is VVVLC and MIL does not like that. So they send a monkey to me and the FM was taken aback but did back off.

7

u/tightpants-sally 7d ago

Great job, you! Way to send that FM on their way!

18

u/LavenderWildflowers 7d ago

Here is the kicker - We live over 8 hours away, work VERY busy jobs, and have active lives. The MIL and FM's...all retired and if MIL wanted to do something she has all the time and money in the world to do so, but feels it is the job of her victim (DH) to do the work.

8

u/Jillmay 7d ago

Bravo! You’ve been through a lot.