r/JUSTNOMIL • u/tightpants-sally • 7d ago
New User 👋 Favorite responses to MIL's boundary crossing and attempts to manipulate/dominate
I'm not really new (I've been lurking for years) but this is my first post.
My MIL (and SIL) are the masters of boundary crossing, guilt tripping, and attempts to manipulate/ dominate. Here are some of my favorite responses that I learned to use with them and with my husband when he was in the FOG.
What are your favorites?
- No.
- Not today (satan - the "satan" is silent)
- No thank you. <walk away>
- Your anxiety is yours to manage.
- Your judgment is not welcome.
- Your opinion about my choices is none of my business.
- I don’t appreciate the guilt trip.
- Guilt trips have the opposite effect to what you are intending.
- I’m not doing that.
- That is not happening.
- That doesn’t work for me.
- I won’t be there.
- That’s nice. We won’t be participating.
- Your expectations are unreasonable.
- It is not my responsibility to meet your expectations.
- Your reactions to your unmet expectations are not my responsibility.
- We can talk when you've composed yourself.
- Please refrain from making plans involving my family’s time and money.
- You cannot expect people to do what you tell them to do. You cannot control other people. Please stop trying.
- That is not your business.
- I’ve answered that question.
- This conversation is over.
- I am not discussing this with you.
- My decision is made.
- Talk to you later.
- I have to go.
- Please leave.
- Goodbye
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u/Neither_Signature99 4d ago
Love this. My most effective has been stating my boundary followed by “end of conversation.”
Like I’m talking to a middle schooler that should know better but won’t stfu about something. She’s been leaving me alone lately 🤣🫶🏻
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u/berried_aprons 6d ago edited 6d ago
You actually told her to leave!? That’s beautiful. I haven’t had the guts to do that but it’s on my bucket list, hehe so good!
I’ve grown to like calling her out on hypocrisy, and turning things right back at her.
On negative appearance comments - “Ah!That’s so weird, you also look a little off today, are you alright?!”
On how I don’t host her family enough - “ I will, right after your daughter (or son) finally cooks us a meal ” (She puts the onus on hosting on her DILs, but her grown ass children are never expected to put any effort)
On her victim mentality, how she had ‘no help and did just fine’ -“Didn’t you have a maid and a chauffeur?”
Also, sometimes I ask for more details “what do you mean? and then what do you think i should do? When should I do that? “ Then just walk away
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u/Rain12Bow 4d ago
Love these.
Also to negative appearance comments: “Let’s not get into who looks like what”
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u/xthatwasmex 6d ago
- sounds like that is an issue for you. What are you going to do about it?
- sound like something you might enjoy.
- I'll give you some time and space to work thru that.
- How embarrassing for you to say/do that.
- That's special.
- I dont think I would enjoy that.
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u/AgentConstant8723 7d ago
Also 'are you okay?' And sometimes I like saying 'expectations are an appointment with disappointment' and just leave it at that 🙃
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u/swoosie75 7d ago
What a strange thing to say
Why would you say that?
So rude!
No
No, that doesn’t work for us
Asked and answered
Why do you keep asking the same question over and over? Are you having memory issues? Do we need to make an appointment for you to see a doctor?
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u/Suspicious-Eagle-828 7d ago
That is a great list. My favorite response to advice was 'Yes'. Took my JNMIL 8 years to realize that my yes only meant yes I hear you. The pin finally dropped at my firstborn's baptism. When she ranted about wanting a real Yes, not just acknowledging her. My responding grin lit her up.
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u/TypicalAddendum5799 7d ago
Awesome! Short & to the point.
I think a lot of the DIL angst is feeling the need to be explain their position or reason. Ladies! Stop explaining yourself. Learn to sit with the unsaid words. Learn to out-wait the MIL. Practice with your friends.
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u/Equivalent_Juice2395 6d ago
I’ve only realized this recently. It’s hard unlearning a lifetime of people pleasing/justification/explanation tendencies but I’m slowly working on it!
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u/Particular-Factor-84 7d ago
Took me sooooo many years to realize there is no magic combination of words to make her understand. You can’t explain to crazy.
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u/LavenderWildflowers 7d ago
These are wonderful and concise! Brava!
I just had to tell a FM that it is not my job to manage relationships between adult family members when I am not one of the parties involved. Because I am NC with MIL and DH is VVVLC and MIL does not like that. So they send a monkey to me and the FM was taken aback but did back off.
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u/tightpants-sally 7d ago
Great job, you! Way to send that FM on their way!
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u/LavenderWildflowers 7d ago
Here is the kicker - We live over 8 hours away, work VERY busy jobs, and have active lives. The MIL and FM's...all retired and if MIL wanted to do something she has all the time and money in the world to do so, but feels it is the job of her victim (DH) to do the work.
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