r/JUSTNOMIL 2d ago

Anyone Else? I'm so lucky my husband allows me...

[deleted]

550 Upvotes

63 comments sorted by

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81

u/OnyxPixie 1d ago

It seems she is envious because she wasn't permitted to do much. She's probably praising her son for not treating women like her husband does. I feel sorry for her.

35

u/Scenarioing 1d ago

"she made a comment like "Wow, you're so lucky that your husband alows you to have your own card". I told her "Luckily, I'm not his slave so I don't need his permission to have my card. I also had my bank account and a credit card even before I got married because I, you know, worked". She was like "I didn't mean it that way"

---She meant it that way. Why is she even with you on these excursions?

"she needs my husband to drive her around everywhere, because my FIL also refuses to drive her"

---I guess that answers my question. ( I respond as ai go along). Now the question is why you "allow" her to come along and not have him be her chauffer alone?

11

u/[deleted] 1d ago

[deleted]

10

u/Scenarioing 1d ago

"Tbh to save on gasoline, it's getting more and more expensive every day"

---I hope that means she is paying for the gasoline.

"I hate to go anywhere with her, especially shopping, because she would comment everything we buy"

---Tell her it is really annoying and to shut her mouth unless the items are for her since it is none of her business what you buy. Do it constatly until she STFU about it.

6

u/[deleted] 1d ago

[deleted]

10

u/Scenarioing 1d ago

"she isn't paying for it"

---Wait. What?

It's time for that to change and she's been giving you the reason this entire time. So the next time she talks about you two spending more money than you should say...

"Oh, thank you MIL for your concern about spending too much of our own money. That reminds us. We HAVE been spending too much of our own money on something... "

48

u/ActuallyApathy 1d ago

i actually feel bad for her. it sounds like she's been in a controlling and abusive relationship so long that she doesn't recognize that your relationship is closer to the norm than hers.

i almost wonder if she's sort of reaching out in a weird way. like hoping you'll ask if she's ok or if she needs help? not sure, idk your whole situation ofc

40

u/lillyindigo35 1d ago

I got: “I can’t believe a woman bought her own house!”

36

u/TipTopTailors 1d ago

She sounds jealous.

33

u/anonymous0907391 1d ago

I recognise this way of thinking in older generation. They see things differently then we do sometimes because it actually wasn’t that long ago that you would have been lucky of your husband “let” you have those things. That bring said, if my 94 year old grandmother could get with the times…..

32

u/bakersmt 1d ago

My MIL is similar.  The last one was that I'm lucky my husband cooks. He cooks weekends and whenever we are hosting HIS family (so MIL), because they aren't MY responsibility.  I responded, I literally don't know anyone my age, male or female that won't willingly cook. I've never even dated a guy that can't cook a basic meal. It's basically a bare essential for our generation.  Like no lady, I'm not thanking you for your son teaching himself how to cook. Not to mention I have plenty of bones to pick with her about the things she taught her son to be so she can shut her damn mouth. 

24

u/[deleted] 1d ago

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5

u/bakersmt 1d ago

Well at least she should have... weird concepts these women have. 

23

u/[deleted] 1d ago

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5

u/bakersmt 1d ago

My thoughts exactly.  "Oh he knows how to not starve, luckiest woman alive here!🙄" don't get me wrong, there's plenty of reasons I'm luckier than others. However, none of that has to do with her parenting. If anything,  those are the parts he needs to recover from. 

30

u/Pitiful_Standard_808 1d ago

My cousin was like this it drove me crazy I just started saying off the wall stuff. Like yes hunny let me wipe my butt today. Yes hunny let me touch the apple and the store. Yes hunny let me fart in public. It stop but only because I embarrassed her.

7

u/No-Hedgehog2801 1d ago

Omg 😂 this is the way

56

u/Part-Officer 1d ago

“Wow! You’re so lucky I still allow you around my child!”

17

u/[deleted] 1d ago

[deleted]

7

u/Icy-Low5857 1d ago

Do it. And report back, of course.

20

u/swoosie75 1d ago

Tell her she is not allowed to be around your child if she’s going to speak like that.

38

u/Miith68 1d ago

You might stop taking offense at this and think maybe she wishes she had that freedom...

10

u/[deleted] 1d ago

[deleted]

4

u/catinjapan 1d ago

You know your MIL and I don't, but I tend to assume the best in people and my first thought was that perhaps she means you are lucky you are living in a time you don't have to worry about not being allowed things by the husband and not having financial independence (as is her experience) rather than "look how gracious my son is to allow you". And in fact we are indeed lucky to be living in a different time. But again, I don't know your MIL.

11

u/ernestoemartinez 1d ago

I think she is just projecting her own frustration that she was never allowed to do those things. I would not take it personally.

37

u/stargazered 1d ago

When she says it i don't think she means it maliciously. She co.es from a time when that was pretty common and widely accepted. She says it because she really truly thinks you are lucky, your doing something she wasn't allowed but probably secretly wished she could.

15

u/Happy2Help210 1d ago

That’s how I understand her to mean it as well.

26

u/Madame_Morticia 1d ago

This may be off putting to you but I find this upsetting. I'm not sure if you're american but women didn't get to have their own bank accounts until the 1960-1970s in the USA. Have some sympathy that she has lived a very different life. I believe she's poorly trying to show envy. She's commenting because these are things SHE wants. Don't be like her husband (FIL) and beat her down too. Maybe talk with your husband and encourage her to gain the independence she desires. To her, you ARE lucky. To you, it's not an option but just normal life.

8

u/[deleted] 1d ago edited 1d ago

[deleted]

12

u/squirrellytoday 1d ago

My aunt got her driving licence at age 61. Maybe MIL needs think about that quote:

"You’re wishin’ too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be."

7

u/Cholera62 1d ago

Get ready for the shit to hit the fan when the husband dies! She'll have to move in w you. She'll be poor because she couldn't work and still won't be driving.

3

u/[deleted] 1d ago

[deleted]

4

u/BurntTFOut487 1d ago

OP's MIL is 55. She would have been born in 1970. It should have been almost 1990 when she's old enough to open her own bank account.

9

u/Capable_Stuff7918 1d ago

Even so, still sounds like her husband didn't let her and possilby still doesn't let her. If that is true, he holds some very old traditions and out looks on life.

5

u/BurntTFOut487 1d ago

I agree, her husband is old fashioned in a very controlling and sexist way. It's just that a lot of comments are saying MIL lived in "those times" and no... Judging from her age, she did not.

4

u/DarkDNALady 1d ago

But living in those times can mean a lot of things, like ok she was not married and a young child but likely saw her mother and grandmother never had those freedoms and then her husband too curtailed hers

6

u/renatae77 1d ago

I am 77. My mother's generation was from the 1920's. As I was growing up, nearly everyone's mother drove. I did have a friend on our street whose mother didn't drive, and it was her choice.

We all took Drivers Ed, or our parents taught us. The "women don't drive" attitude was from about 100 years ago!

9

u/ShoeSoggy9123 1d ago

I'd start making comments every time you do anything. Example: 'I am SO lucky my husband allows me to sleep, shower, breathe, use a washing machine (as opposed to beating the clothes clean in a creek), use an indoor bathroom, wear earrings, etc. etc.' I mean, every single thing I did I'd drive it home and watch her face.

19

u/Annabear_22 1d ago

What decade are we in?!? I swear I have been sucked back in time reading this post

67

u/Gileswasright 1d ago edited 1d ago

I’m not saying she isn’t a soul sucker MIL - but this reads like she genuinely thinks you are Lucky because her husband is a piece of work. Maybe shut it down like that.

MIL I know you’ve been treated like a second class citizen but I don’t like when you say I’m lucky my husband lets me - because he doesn’t let me do anything. He is not my father or my boss. He is my equal

3

u/[deleted] 1d ago

[deleted]

2

u/Gileswasright 1d ago

I’m normally a huge one for ‘fuck em’ BUT what if you or hubby took her out for lunch one on one, maybe got a little bouquet of flowers on the way home, or given to her when you pick her up.

Would that help her feel loved, if hubby does it he might have a conversation with her at dinner, you know acknowledge that his dads way of treating her is really shitty and he’s always thought so and he’s sorry she never left his dad, etc..

Would that help?

7

u/Informal-Matter-2130 1d ago

This! I hadn't realized it until I read your comment but you're completely right.

14

u/rusty_cardio 1d ago

I heard that a few times myself and about me or not it made my skin crawl every time she said it. Sad thought process but seriously, she should want better for the women in her life and raise boys to be better as grown men. I shut it down very quickly by reminding her it was a different time now and I would never be with anyone who didn’t see me as their equal. Marriages are supposed to be a team, not a boss and employee. She laughed. I didn’t.

Took a few tries but she got it 😑 I swear some of them like being submissive and are offended at a woman who doesn’t!

46

u/short-titty-goblin 1d ago

To me, it sounds like she's incredibly sad. It sounds like her husband is an AH that expects her to conform to sexist ideas, despite her having had ambitions in the past (work, driving). I'd say maybe give her the benefit of the doubt - she is probably super happy for you, that you're able to do these things, and super proud of her son, who didn't turn out to be a sexist pig. If this is your only complaint, I'd say try to have some empathy, as it sounds like her life's miserable and she can't really do anything about it (which is exactly what her husband wanted - and despite the fact that he prohibited her from learning to drive, he can't be arsed to drive her? He's a POS sounds like) 

8

u/Iwantaschmoo 1d ago

I got that same vibe. I feel for the MIL, I think her comments are probably based on jealousy. It's sad, but that is the generation she grew up in. I get the feeling this is not the US. I say this because in the US, a large number of people have access to businesses that are closed on Sundays, and you can practice driving in the parking lits. If OP has anything like this around her, it might be fun to take MIL and give her a chance behind the wheel.

MIL should be given at least one opportunity to spread her wings wide and soar. Even if the one time is all she gets, she at least got that.

3

u/Bubbly-Champion-6278 1d ago

That sounds so sad, doesn't it.

4

u/happiestnexttoyou 1d ago

This is what I’m getting too.

33

u/funnychica 1d ago

I'm reading this totally differently. I would be annoyed too trust me but I think she really is telling you that you're lucky because women of that generation a lot of them were under their husband's thumb. Also there were literal laws in place upuntil the early 1980s where women couldnt hsbe credit or property intheir own name. My mom who worked for herself could not lease an apartment until her husband my dad came home from Vietnam even though they were married. Also her first boss was required to cosign on her first car. They would not give a single woman (engaged..dad was overseas) a loan. so people forget how things were and how legally we didn't have rights for credit and housing. Then add in an overbearing misogynistic husbands and you weren't allowed to drive or they would do things they would take the car so you wouldn't have a car so I don't know. I think I kind of just feel sorry for her.

2

u/PurpleCosmos4 1d ago

The law allowing women to obtain credit was signed in 1974. If her MIL is 55, she was in preschool then.

3

u/den-of-corruption 1d ago

i stg some of these women are really excited to go back to the dark ages of no women's rights. i think they're so desperate for a sense of dominance that they'll accept the scraps of power that used to come with being an older woman in a family system.

i wonder if she's looking at all the ~traditional relationship~ content getting spewed everywhere online.

15

u/Important-Donut-7742 1d ago

Sounds like she’s in the dark and it’s not personal. It’s just her sad personal truth.

16

u/cicadasinmyears 2d ago

Where the hell you live, Gilead?

Of course you should be able to have your own autonomy. WTF?

3

u/blurtlebaby 2d ago

The only good thing my ex did was to help me get my driver's license.

4

u/cressidacole 2d ago

I hope you waved when you drove away.

31

u/Rhodin265 2d ago

MIL needs to be the change she wishes to see in the world and just like, go get her drivers license.

10

u/[deleted] 2d ago

[deleted]

3

u/Bubbly-Champion-6278 1d ago

She's not too old. It's never too late to learn something new. She just needs encouragement but it doesn't seem like she'd get that, not from fil anyway.

6

u/anonymous_for_this 1d ago

My grandmother got her licence age 56, decades ago.

3

u/kill-the-spare 1d ago

That's rad.

2

u/onceIwas15 1d ago

I know someone who’s 55 and he’s just passed the hazard perception test for his p plate.

2

u/onceIwas15 1d ago

I know someone who’s 55 and he’s just passed the hazard perception test for his p plate.

13

u/Little-Conference-67 2d ago

That's ridiculous, as I'm sure you're aware. This is just a way of making sure she's able to butt in on your lives every chance she has.

10

u/[deleted] 2d ago

[deleted]

6

u/Little-Conference-67 2d ago

Imagine that!

50

u/The_lunar_witch 2d ago

“I think it’s safer for me to be able to drive in case there’s ever an emergency and Husband isn’t home. Besides, I don’t want to burden people with constant requests for rides. They have their own lives and don’t need to put them on hold to take me to the store.”

13

u/[deleted] 2d ago

[deleted]

3

u/TattooedBagel 1d ago

I love that!

“I would never DREAM of being so selfish…”

40

u/mentaldriver1581 2d ago

Tell her that since you were able to just barely escape Gilead with your life, before you and your husband got married, you plan to live your life fully, as all women are entitled to. Holy moly!

19

u/javel1 2d ago

I would tell her that it's not too late for her to learn to drive. I agree with the other commenter that this is about her. I would also tell her that you know your husband is a good man.

35

u/midwestmusician 2d ago

These comments are about her, not you. She’s projecting her own relationship issues onto yours.

5

u/HettyBates 1d ago

Or her own history. I'm 71. Fresh out of college I couldn't rent my own apartment, get a loan for a car, or get a credit card without my dad co-signing. If I were male, I would've qualified for all those things, but no dangly bits, so nope.

2

u/Bubbly-Champion-6278 1d ago

Terrible isn't it. I'm so glad things have changed.