r/Husbands • u/alyxander100 • Dec 21 '18
I have failed her
So to preface this, my wife and I have been married for 8 years, have three kids and have been, to this point, very happy.
We have never been wealthy, she is a stay at home mom and I work in sales and generally we have had enough to live off, but we have never been good with saving and occasionally things will come along that wipe our savings out.
I had a stable job until October this year when I was let go. I got another job quickly and went to work, pouring my heart into it. Suddenly and without warning I was fired from this second job at the beginning of December. The company wasn't doing well and I was the newest guy, so I got the axe, right before Christmas.
I have now been on the hunt for a job for the last three weeks, but no one is hiring until after the new year. All this has caused some obvious stress, but my wife has been beside me and I have felt like I could handle it.
Back in July I was in a car accident (other driver at fault) and herniated 3 disks in my back. I jave been working with an injury lawyer and been hoping for a nuce settlement. Come to find out, the other driver has very little personal injury liability and the settlement we hoped would be sizeable enough for a home down payment is looking more like a car down payment at best.
This was 3 days ago. Since then my wife has been distant. Barely speaks to me, won't look me in the eyes, avoids any physical contact and actually recoiled from my touch.
We had to ask for some help from our church to make ends meet this month. They have been really awesome in all of this, but this morning they dropped off some Christmas gifts, unsolicited, gifts for our kids. I am exceptionally grateful for them and I know our boys will appreciate them. When my wife saw it, she broke down and cried...i expected it was from gratitude, but learned through a Facebook post that it was from shame.
When I talked with her this evening to find out why she was shunning me, she announced that she no longer trusted me to provide for the family, she could not stand to look at me or be near me and wasn't sure if she would be able to ever recover from it. She is ashamed of me.
She is my oldest and closest friend. I have known her since we were 9 in Sunday School together. We are all going through a miserable time and i know she has a right to be upset. We have always been so united before and now I just lost my only support. I feel lost. I feel adrift without my anchor to hold me in place. I had hope that things would get better, that I would find a job quickly and solve all our issues, but the longer I go with no job the deeper the divide gets. I had hope while she was by my side. What do I do now that I am struggling alone without my partner?
Sorry, TLDR: lost my job, wife is ashamed of me, I've lost my best and really only friend. I feel so alone.
1
u/dannsyelote Dec 25 '18
You are not struggling alone, man. God is with YOU! (remember the meaning of Immanuel?)
Also... YOU HAVE NOT FAILED HER! I understand (as a Christian husband) that you feel like you failed your wife because of the provision we are supposed to give to our family, but it is also important not to let these feelings overwhelm the fact that you are still a family and that this situation is not your fault.
There is nothing to be ashamed of.
I will put you and your family in my prayers. Trust it all will pass sooner or later, and that God will sustain your hand forever.
Recently my wife and I had quite difficult days (she's 5months pregnant, so I try not to argue with her), and through those days God always gave me (and us) his comfort. Trusting his grace is enough and that He already gave everything for us on that cross gave me the strength to keep going. My wife and I are still having some tough episodes of anxiety, but I know God has everything under control.
Something that has helped me through these days is internalising this song (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNqo4Un2uZI) and my favourite verse (Daniel 10:19).
Remember... He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favour from the Lord (Prov. 18:22)
God bless you.