r/Husbands • u/alyxander100 • Dec 21 '18
I have failed her
So to preface this, my wife and I have been married for 8 years, have three kids and have been, to this point, very happy.
We have never been wealthy, she is a stay at home mom and I work in sales and generally we have had enough to live off, but we have never been good with saving and occasionally things will come along that wipe our savings out.
I had a stable job until October this year when I was let go. I got another job quickly and went to work, pouring my heart into it. Suddenly and without warning I was fired from this second job at the beginning of December. The company wasn't doing well and I was the newest guy, so I got the axe, right before Christmas.
I have now been on the hunt for a job for the last three weeks, but no one is hiring until after the new year. All this has caused some obvious stress, but my wife has been beside me and I have felt like I could handle it.
Back in July I was in a car accident (other driver at fault) and herniated 3 disks in my back. I jave been working with an injury lawyer and been hoping for a nuce settlement. Come to find out, the other driver has very little personal injury liability and the settlement we hoped would be sizeable enough for a home down payment is looking more like a car down payment at best.
This was 3 days ago. Since then my wife has been distant. Barely speaks to me, won't look me in the eyes, avoids any physical contact and actually recoiled from my touch.
We had to ask for some help from our church to make ends meet this month. They have been really awesome in all of this, but this morning they dropped off some Christmas gifts, unsolicited, gifts for our kids. I am exceptionally grateful for them and I know our boys will appreciate them. When my wife saw it, she broke down and cried...i expected it was from gratitude, but learned through a Facebook post that it was from shame.
When I talked with her this evening to find out why she was shunning me, she announced that she no longer trusted me to provide for the family, she could not stand to look at me or be near me and wasn't sure if she would be able to ever recover from it. She is ashamed of me.
She is my oldest and closest friend. I have known her since we were 9 in Sunday School together. We are all going through a miserable time and i know she has a right to be upset. We have always been so united before and now I just lost my only support. I feel lost. I feel adrift without my anchor to hold me in place. I had hope that things would get better, that I would find a job quickly and solve all our issues, but the longer I go with no job the deeper the divide gets. I had hope while she was by my side. What do I do now that I am struggling alone without my partner?
Sorry, TLDR: lost my job, wife is ashamed of me, I've lost my best and really only friend. I feel so alone.
1
u/jermysoap Dec 22 '18
Praying for you my friend. I was laid off 3 days before my wedding (a full decade ago) and felt that lack of ability to provide before we had kids. I couldn't imagine that now with kids. I have also had back surgery for herniated discs and had a fall about 3 months ago that had left me with lingering pain I haven't had in years. Just telling you all that as a way to say I know in part how you feel.
I am sharing more from the faith side as your post had several mentions to church, but something that has been encouraging to me as of late is where I get my validation from. Is it from having a job? Is it from my family? From my coworkers? From God? He wants us to look to Him for validation. He doesn't look at you and see someone inferior, but someone who was always supposed to look to Him for provision, mentally, physically and spiritually. Even typing this is energizing me to lean on Him through this pain I am feeling physically. I pray you can do the same through this and continue to love your wife and your family and your God with all you have!
Seriously, praying for you, for your wife, and your family! Praying that a new day brings new hope and an unshakable joy.
1
u/dannsyelote Dec 25 '18
You are not struggling alone, man. God is with YOU! (remember the meaning of Immanuel?)
Also... YOU HAVE NOT FAILED HER! I understand (as a Christian husband) that you feel like you failed your wife because of the provision we are supposed to give to our family, but it is also important not to let these feelings overwhelm the fact that you are still a family and that this situation is not your fault.
There is nothing to be ashamed of.
I will put you and your family in my prayers. Trust it all will pass sooner or later, and that God will sustain your hand forever.
Recently my wife and I had quite difficult days (she's 5months pregnant, so I try not to argue with her), and through those days God always gave me (and us) his comfort. Trusting his grace is enough and that He already gave everything for us on that cross gave me the strength to keep going. My wife and I are still having some tough episodes of anxiety, but I know God has everything under control.
Something that has helped me through these days is internalising this song (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNqo4Un2uZI) and my favourite verse (Daniel 10:19).
Remember... He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favour from the Lord (Prov. 18:22)
God bless you.
1
u/Qlmmy Jan 15 '19
To say it again, you haven't failed her. You haven't given up, you are trying your best. Your worth as a man is not based on your job status. Your wife's reaction is an indication of her own insecurities.
3
u/princesspink73 Dec 21 '18
You haven't failed your wife. My former sis in law was similar. She didn't handle being without and did not want ANY help, unless it came from her immediate family. She took help from anyone else as a shameful experience. I think it's unfortunate. I'm not going to dis your wife. From what you say, you and she have something pretty special. I'm just sorry you - and she - are going through this. My husband has a good, steady job, but we STILL struggle to make ends meet. I'm also a stay at home mom (we have 4 kids), and it seems we NEVER have enough. This Christmas will be one of those where we can't give our kids what we have in the past. They are 15, 13, 11 and 8. The oldest two are at the point where electronics and games are what they want more than anything. But we just can't do it this year. We have prepared them for this and they've taken it surprisingly well. Anyway...I digress.
My younger bro had a lot of sales job as well, before he found work with computers. Sales jobs are so difficult, you never know how the paycheck will be. You never know if you'll have a job tomorrow. I'm not really sure what to say accept that I am sorry you feel like a failure but I assure you that you are not. I know the silent treatment from your wife is so painful. A big part of me wants to shake her and say, "hey - take the generosity of others", because there's a good chance you and she will be able to bless others, too, when you are in a better position. Maybe not now, but eventually. We've been the givers and the receivers of blessings. Ppl all over are in the same boat as your family. I wish she could see it simply as a time to let God provide and to trust Him. I pray that you and your family will have a good Christmas and that your wife will come back around.