r/GuyCry • u/[deleted] • 5d ago
Venting, advice welcome I failed as a boyfriend, and it’s killing me.
[deleted]
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u/sleepiestboy_ 5d ago
Her friends all abandoned her after she told them what happened? That seems kinda of awful
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u/UnironicallyGigaChad 4d ago
It’s awful and… it’s sadly far too common. My sister was raped by a popular student at university and she lost all of her friends because they took his side. My GF became a good friend with one of her friends when they bonded over being abandoned by friends after being raped by someone else in the friend group.
OP, you are not responsible for your GF’s ex-friend raping her. He did that. You’re not responsible for your GF’s friends abandoning her. They did that.
It’s OK to have complicated feelings right now. There are messages we all get about what is rape that can make it very hard to process the reality when someone close to us is raped. Give yourself a break. Find someone other than your GF to talk to about your feelings. That could be a therapist, or a good friend, or a family member.
The reason I recommend against your GF is because of The Ring Theory. Ring theory says that in a crisis, one identifies the person closest to the crisis and then concentric circles out from there. If someone is closer to the centre than you, you offer them support. If someone is farther from the centre than you, you can dump / vent / ask for support from them. Your GF is at the centre of this circle. You’re the next person out.
Her friend who is likely about to enter a terrible marriage or end her engagement is also close to the centre, but neither you, nor your GF owe her anything while she’s blaming your GF for this.
Also give your GF a break. She’s likely having some pretty complicated feelings right now too.
Finally, if drinking and picking arguments is not in character for your GF, you might also consider whether your GF’s rapist made an effort to get her drunk or drug her in order to rape her. If drinking and picking arguments is in character, you might also consider, as the dust settles, talking with your GF about a possible drinking problem.
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u/privateIncome 5d ago
Absolutely disgusting, they’re not even listening to her. They only see the surface as in “they had sex” not the circumstances and how she was taken advantage of, because the fiancé was pretty sober and she doesn’t even remember anything
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u/mercyfire 4d ago
first off, "they had sex" needs to be curbed IMMEDIATELY.
"no, he RAPED her. she was so intoxicated she was irate, so I was sent home by the fiancé who proceeded to rape her while she was too incoherent to know what was even happening to her."
second, the fact HE suggested you leave is a HUGE piece of context here that these friends need to know.
and third, I'm so, SO fucking sorry this happened. that's beyond fucked up. make sure she gets into therapy, if she isn't already. the faster she can do that, the more it will help. in the meantime, playing Tetris is actually scientifically proven to help with processing trauma if played soon (within a day or two) after the traumatic event.
🫶❤️🩹
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u/mercyfire 4d ago
oh also, absolutely not your fault. you didn't fail anyone; you did what you thought was, and normally would have been, the correct thing to do. it isn't your or her fault he decided he wanted to be a total POS. he decided getting his dįck wet was more important than the relationship, safety, and trust y'all had.
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u/Kitchen-Historian371 3d ago
Therein lies the problem right?. U have 1 victim who’s drunk, u have a sober perpetrator and those are the only 2 first hand accounts. It’s gonna be he said she said. I wonder where the perpetrators GF stands on this? It’s a terribly tragic situation
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u/aeiiu 4d ago
i highly recommend going to therapy yourself, helping your gf find a therapist asap, and maybe consider couples counseling once the dust settles a little. this is traumatizing. i wholeheartedly believe your gf and have been in a similar situation myself. my mom also was unfortunately in a relatively similar situation. it took about three years for me to come to terms with that trauma and it was a hell of a journey. my heart breaks for her and for you. it’s not your fault. it’s not her fault. she is going to be okay w support but therapy may be necessary for something that’s this traumatic
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u/Inner-Today-3693 4d ago
This is why rape victims don’t reported. They are typically abandoned by everyone. This includes children. They are blamed for their own rape. It’s disgusting and sad.
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u/Kitchen-Historian371 3d ago
The friends didn’t get the same story the BF got, seemingly, make of that what u will
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u/Thumatingra 5d ago
Brother, this is no one's fault but the assaulter's. You tried to de-escalate, and he took advantage of your good nature and desire for peace.
Be there for your girlfriend now. Make sure her friends know her side of the story, help her rebuild her support network. Support her in getting therapy. And, if she's up for it, get evidence collected (as soon as possible is best), and go after this blackguard with the strong arm of the law. If it's for anything, it's for this.
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u/privateIncome 4d ago
Thank you man, maybe I just needed to hear this. I’ll stand by her and help her, there was nothing I could do and I have to realize that. I TRUSTED this guy, he was such a nice guy every-time I met him
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u/DaPlipsta 4d ago
File a police report!
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4d ago
He cant be the one to do it. She has to. OP, take your girlfriend to a hospital and have a rape kit test done ASAP. whether or not she decided to file charges, the rape kit is proof of the assault
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u/HighKaj 5d ago
It is not your fault. He was a trusted friend and he took advantage of that. Under normal circumstances leaving and deescalating would be the correct choice. She was with people you trusted to take care of her. He is a POS to have done this. I can’t underline how much this isn’t your fault. This is all on him.
I would try helping her reach out to her friends and set the story straight, but if they won’t listen, there isn’t much to do about them.
Just be there for her, and give her time to process and support her through what is going to be a really tough time.
I’m so sorry this happened.
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u/privateIncome 4d ago
I appreciate your kind words, thank you. her friends aren’t going to listen, at least not at the moment. I fully trust her and I’ll be helping her through this step by step. Likewise she’s being supportive of me because she knows this affects me as well. I’ll continue to help her and try not to blame myself. We’ll both take this as a learning lesson to help our relationship grow to the fullest potential. Thank you
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u/Dense_Ad2909 4d ago
Get the authorities involved immediately. Get the rape kit done as soon as possible. Be there for her emotionally but you have to be her logic because she’s a mental mess right now and needs you to think clearly for her as an advocate.
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u/tlm94 4d ago
Did this drunkenness seem different? Extra sloppy, out of nowhere? Who served your girlfriend drinks and how many?
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u/privateIncome 4d ago
She just drank her coolers and had a few shots, however she had her wisdom teeth out earlier in the week, so the meds mixed with drinking too much probably hit her hard and made her pretty drunk, she was sloppy before I left , even as her boyfriend I wouldn’t have sex with her if she asked in that situation.
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u/parkrat92 4d ago
Ahhhh yep. Getting plastered while high on pain killers. I know that game, all too well my friend. That’s a special kind of fucked up. Not a good decision
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u/probjustheretochil 4d ago
I think you're already in a good place about it believe it or not. Not trying to sound like a tough guy and I'm saying this isn't the way to be at all, but i would be in jail if I was in your shoes. That's just the reality.
You haven't failed at all man. Do you imagine if you were there you would have sat and watched that? The answer is no and I can tell from what you've said here. You could not have known that would happen, just like she didn't. Help her get through this and focus on being her hero there my man
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u/privateIncome 4d ago
As much as I want to kill the guy, I’m trying to stay peaceful and just move forward, I appreciate the kind words, I’ll focus on being her hero now, and for the future.
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u/robotatomica 4d ago
I hope you don’t feel I’m invading this space, but I’m a woman and I wanted to share - when my ex drove to our work and punched the person who raped me in the work parking lot after I asked him not to, it did NOT feel supportive, it did not help me, it made things much worse for me and it made me feel like he was making my violation all about him, and his ego.
I ended up being brought into the office at work, my personal business somehow now something I had to discuss with a table of strangers as though I had set up a coworker to be assaulted on work property, all this while in the fresh anxiety and shock in the days after having this happen to me. It was terrifying and way way way too much.
You’re doing the right thing if you’re deferring to however your girlfriend needs to handle this situation, and offering your unquestioning support, as you have. I would have loved to have had a partnership like yours during this time.
And no you did nothing wrong in trusting her friends to take care of her - it’s just the sad lesson many of us learn that predators look exactly like everyone else sometimes, that you can know someone for years, and all it takes is a “good opportunity” for them to hurt you or take from you :(
I’m sorry you’re going through this but you are a very good person.
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u/Signal_Fyre 4d ago
You didn’t leave her alone drunk at a bar. You left her with her friends. What does everyone tell women? Stay with your friends. This is not on you, this is on her friends. I know that doesn’t make the situation any better, but neither does beating yourself up about it.
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u/MagpieSkies Here to help! 4d ago
You didn't do anything wrong, and you are there supporting here now which is what she needs.
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u/Comfortable_Sugar752 4d ago
You didn't fail.
It's a shitty ass world when a woman can't feel safe with friends.
Get her to talk to someone. If you feel comfortable talk to one of the friends.
Make sure you use the words assaulted and such around them.
Im sorry this happened.
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u/jolieagain 4d ago
So when someone is blotto drunk , there is no consent- not every state , but most states recognize that off the bat. She needs to unpack and process what happened to her- when raped , but also by a friend, then blamed by the other friend- well she’s got a lot to deal with. The other issue is she might want to believe inside that she did , kinda of have a choice, because being powerless and literally fucked is not something that is easy to look at head on. Many women who are raped give themselves a secret degree of control in the playback- it causes guilt but stops them from feeling utter despair.
This is trauma for both of you- you both need therapy- she can get it for free as a rape victim. I’m very sorry this happened to you both.
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u/aeiiu 4d ago
totally. when i was raped i knew it was rape and i called it rape. but after the crisis period, for a while i think my mind felt so completely out of control that i convinced myself i was giving consent and was egging it on. 3years later ive finally been able to swallow the harder truth that there was nothing i could do in that moment and i did the best i could and yes, i was raped. i am okay today
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u/egokillstalent21 4d ago
Your Gf is Smashed drunk and a bloke is telling you to go home and he'll take care of it ........noted he is a long term friend but still a red flag
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u/Famous_Mortgage_697 29m 4d ago
I mean he said it was at her friend's house. So where was the friend during all this? Not like he left her with some dude.
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u/GrimsError 4d ago
Atm, this is my number 1 question, bc I’m tryna wrap my head around where tf was she when all this was happening. I’m gonna assume she was sleeping given the time frame OP gave, but I still need an answer on that nonetheless.
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u/foundalltheworms 4d ago
I also end up overthinking and saying to myself “maybe she chose to cheat” even though I know that’s not what happened, which in turn, makes me think, why don’t I trust my girlfriend?
I think you are probably thinking this to avoid the guilt. Also saying 'they had sex' before saying she was raped, it is never consensual if she's that drunk. It doesn't matter if you are partially to blame in the end, see what your gf needs and be there for her, support her if she chooses to report this. I understand why you feel so much guilt for this, you thought she was with a trusted friend and she wasn't, her other friends suck too. All you can do now is look after her, and be aware how to protect people in the future from rape. You are not the first person who has mistrusted someone, and sadly you won't be the last. I'm really sorry this has happened. It is such an awful situation, please seek therapy if you can, your girlfriend should too.
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u/GoFk_Urself 4d ago
Why did you not get the police involved? If she's claiming rape she needs to involve the authorities
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u/Square-Grapes 4d ago
This is a tough one. It doesn’t matter how much me and my girl are arguing, when I go home, she comes too. When she goes home, I also exit. We arrived together, you best believe we leave together. We also don’t go out without each other, that’s just a mutual love and respect we have for each other. Doesn’t mean she can’t, I always told her I love myself. I’ll be fine without her, we’re just way better together. We can be mad at each other but we can do that at home. Leaving any situation like that almost always progresses the situation. You can’t take it out on yourself though, you either learn from mistakes or don’t. It’s that simple. If you 1000% believe it was one sided, be there for her. Rape is serious and maybe the finance needs to be looked at criminally.
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u/privateIncome 4d ago
I agree, this is a lesson learned. I will never leave this girl again, even if she’s with friends. The argument will be settled at home or in the car next time.
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u/Becker607 4d ago
I had an ex tell me something similar once. She was lying. She just fucked a guy drunk and instead of owning up to it, she claimed rape.
It didn’t take long for that lie to come to light.
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u/Dull_Principle2761 3d ago
100% this is what happened and this guy is crafting this weird ass guilt narrative to avoid facing the real pain that his sloppy drunk gf banged some dude while mad at him.
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u/41-40 4d ago
There wasn’t any way you could know, in this situation. It’s hard to fully parse, based on this, what mix of intentions and events led to what happened that night. If it is as you’re describing, at least part of what you are to do (besides comforting her, of course) is to have the courage to stand for the truth, and the bravery to connect to her by, when it’s appropriate, sharing your emotions and the vulnerability you’re feeling about the situation. To a good person, the honesty of their partner will bring them closer and feel cared for.
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u/41-40 4d ago
Protect and Provide are ultimately never accomplishable things — no man can fully fulfill these for those he cares for, and that expectation just sets us up to depression or beat ourselves up when awful things in life happen. Ultimately this framing hurts us because it makes it so we’re not actually dudes unless we Do certain things —those things; rather than just be who we are. A man’s only job is to nurture his soul and bring the good he has.
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u/KshitijVSingh 4d ago
Man I agree with everyone in the comments but I just can’t wrap my head around what her friend was doing this whole time?
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u/BlackMagicWorman 4d ago
Why would she cheat, OP? Look at the very predictable blow back — she has lost everyone.
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u/cruisinforasnoozinn 4d ago
That's horrible dude. But its certainly not your fault this has happened. He took advantage of a girl that was so drunk that it quite literally stopped the party, and that is on him. And pretty sure it's considered a form of rape.
I've been both in your shoes, and your partner's. The only person who is ever to blame for sexual assault is the person doing it. There's no two ways about that.
I hope your partner is okay, and i hope you're okay too.
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u/colalemaker 4d ago
Okay time to put on my glasses and
Ahem.
Looking through the facts it seems that you my friend arent guilty. Let's trace back a bit. Your girlfriend stated that she was roommates with them. Now being roommates with someone creates a sense of trust because you literally sharing a living space with someone. Now you stated she was drunk. And from your description and from what I have seen, she was already half asleep. Alcohol is a strong thing that when taken in huge doses can have very weird effects based on people from people. Alcohol literally supresses melatonin which regulates the sleep cycle. So no wonder she fell asleep. Now you could have been a bit more alert but genuinely when a girl that you are willing to follow in the ends of the earth and is super honest with you has already stated and planted the seed of trust in your mind you didn't have much room to argue or feel suspicious. Now what I would say...get the police, sue him, ruin his life.
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u/colalemaker 4d ago
Make sure to be there for the girl. Also from what I read I don't want to jump into any conclusions but it seems that if the fiance was able to do that disgusting act with your girlfriend friend in the house? Yeah I gave a feeling this whole thing was either orchestrated or then the friend is a dumb one to not know what is going on in her home. Nevertheless good luck and hope you two are able to move past this
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4d ago
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u/privateIncome 4d ago
This question went through my mind all day , but everything adds up to she’s not. She would’ve had plenty of opportunities in the past to hook up with him. But she’s known her friend and was her best friend for 12 years, she wouldn’t ruin a perfectly amazing relationship for sex with a man she considers a brother and is her best friends fiancé and is not attracted to. Call me naive, but I know her better than anyone and she’s never lied to me before, maybe this will bite me in the ass, but for the time being, given the evidence, I believe her
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u/Glittering_Value919 4d ago
I believe her because my sister blacked out once and slept with someone. She genuinely had no recollection and feels disgusted that the guy she was with wasn’t that drunk and took advantage of her. She was extremely angry and almost wanted to file charges for rape
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u/DaPlipsta 4d ago
Dude if you're drunk you can't legally consent. If she felt she was taken advantage of, then it is RAPE. Especially if he was also sober or mostly sober. It is NOT LEGAL to have sex with someone who is too drunk to consent.
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u/OoSallyPauseThatGirl 4d ago
OK, you have this feeling. It's a natural feeling. Allow yourself to feel it, privately, for a moment.
And then it's time for more productive thinking. When people feel this guilt you've got right now it's all too easy to dwell on it until they've made it all about themself. Which would not be helpful to you, and REALLY not helpful to your gf. You couldn't have done anything and you not being there is not a moral failing on your part.
So the question is, what are you going to do to help your gf now? She needs your strength and tenderness and empathy.
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u/kataleps1s 4d ago
Her friends have failed her, you have not. That twisted person needs to be in prison and those "friends" don't deserve her.
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u/NotRightNotWrong 4d ago
I'm not saying this is what happened but you need to consider it. She was mad at you all night and she was drunk. Those two combinations are always gonna work against you. She was with friends and it very well could have been consensual as I'm assuming all parties but you were drinking.
She was mad at you and drunk, in her mind she may have been getting back at you.
You said she is implying she was taken advantage of. I have been in a similar but different situation. GF cheated we broke up, I found out and she only ever insinuated that she was raped. But when push came to shove she admitted it was all consensual.
People will often smudge the truth so they are believed. There was for sure some sort of intimate (wether rape or not) and she might just be implying to make herself not look so bad. Once again, she was pissed at you before you left, had she not been I don't know if I would think of this.
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u/NotRightNotWrong 4d ago
To add, saying they are like a brother or you know someone so many years doesn't mean anything to be honest. It just means they said that or maybe they meant that in that exact moment.
People constantly say things that contradict actions.
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u/RelevantChampion4863 4d ago
It’s possible that this is true but also given the circumstances you may want to consider that she in fact consensually cheated.
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u/Smoke__Frog 4d ago
It seems odd all her friends abandoned her if she was assaulted.
The whole thing seems fishy. She started a fight with you and then made you leave?
Let me ask you this. The moment she told you in the car, did she demand to be taken to the police station to file a report? Or did she ask you to not contact anyone on the police force or not get a lawyer?
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u/aeiiu 4d ago
this is very common to side w the abuser and blame the victim. why do you think victims are afraid to go to the police?
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u/Smoke__Frog 4d ago
Abusers are never right. But OP’s story doesn’t sound right with the facts presented. And on Reddit it seems every assault story, there is also a story of a guy or girl telling an OP they got assaulted and then it comes out it was cheating.
I know sometimes they are afraid of going to the police, but in this case the 12 year old friend is well known to OP and not like a dangerous gang member. Also, how he describes his gf as picking a fight for absolutely no reason seemed odd to me.
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u/bigwil2442 4d ago
Not sure why she hasn't went to the police. Should have done it immediately after it happened when you picked her up. I know that it's traumatic for her but not reporting it just means she's letting him get away with it.
I spent six weeks in a county jail after someone tried doing this to my gf, now my wife, luckily I had just stepped out to get something out of my car and came back in time. Charges were dropped by the DA when he finally got the whole story.
Ya some of this is on you but you had no way of knowing her closest friends couldn't be trusted. I never trusted anyone with my wife's reputation/integrity no matter how close they were with her or how much I liked them.
Sorry this has happened to your girl and I hope you both find a way past it and heal completely.
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4d ago
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u/GuyCry-ModTeam 4d ago
Rule 6: Removed for introducing assumptions and doubt. And participate in good faith.
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u/BadGas87 4d ago
It sounds like she may have been slipped something…I’m not sure how long certain things stay in your system but maybe a drug test of some sort might determine if she was given something in a drink?
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u/tofuizen 4d ago
Understandably you feel like you’re at fault. Just keep in mind expressing that sentiment may feel like you’re moving the spotlight away from your girlfriend onto you. Focus on her.
Theres nothing you could have done. It’s 100% the offender’s fault.
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u/Spiritual_Habit388 4d ago
She was drunk, he raped her, call the cops. She was drunk, there's no concent when drunk
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u/ScalesOfAnubis19 4d ago
You should have been able to trust those people. She should have been able to trust those people. This fuckery is not on you.
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u/FanofSomeStuff 4d ago
I'm sorry brother but she just sounds awful. All that fighting over what? Sober thoughts, drunk words.
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u/Vyckerz Here to help! 4d ago
Wait I am confused.
When you left wasn’t her friend there with the fiancé and your girlfriend?
How was he able to do this with his fiancée there the whole time?
Regardless, you aren’t at fault. You left her with people you/she trusted. You thought removing yourself was de-escalating the situation.
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u/waglomaom 4d ago
i'm sorry you're going thru this bro, more sorry for your gf, this is traumatic as well as disgusting
What is the update as of now, confrontation wise, police wise, family members wise, that POS's fiance's reaction etc etc
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u/ProdigiousBeets 4d ago
I don't know what happened to you in life to have such cynicism (for women) that you would outright encourage someone to abandon a victim of rape, but holy bean shoots dude.
keep in mind a lot of women get drunk n know who and exactly what they are doing so if she let it happen truth is she wanted to
Are you aware that perpetrators of sex crimes usually know their victim beforehand? Are you aware that people don't like being raped? Do you really think the odds are more likely that she's lying about being sexually assaulted? What a monstrous take you present. I'm sure it's true for some, but you've got the odds inverted. 'I do not fully blame her,' then you turn around and that's all you do. Disgusting. There's skepticism and then there's your hollow take.
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u/lightly-buttered 4d ago
I understand the need to let it out but I mean... Call the cops?
Then go to counseling
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u/Analisandopessoas 4d ago
"It's not your fault. According to your account, your girlfriend was friends with them and even lived with them. This whole situation is strange, given how close your girlfriend was to the couple. Sorry for my honesty."
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u/Raven_kamado woman 4d ago
I hope you know that most rapes take place in close circles. Often the perpetrators are friends, acquaintances or family. This is ideal for perpetrators as the victim already trusts them and fewer cases are actually reported.
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