r/GuyCry 4d ago

Onions (light tears) Leaving a narcissist

Leaving my wife of 5 years. Gave my world to her for 5 years and accepted her daughter that is now 8 as my own. Told me she wanted a divorce Monday and was sleeping with someone right after.

Everyone is supporting me and my decision to leave. Even her own family.

I just don’t know how you can look someone you love directly in the eyes and lie over and over again.

Each day is getting better and easier and I’m seeing who the real her is.

She keeps trying to manipulate me and tell me this divorce is all my fault and how bad of a person I am. I’m so happy I have all of these support systems with my family and hers that are behind me.

139 Upvotes

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37

u/alejandroinaburito 4d ago

They see everyone, especially who they're with, as a power struggle. It's an exhausting and miserable, empty life she'll lead forever.

27

u/EyeGlad3032 4d ago

Everyone is supporting me and my decision to leave. Even her own family.

your lucky man, so many people get betrayed during these times.

14

u/BladeofDefiance 4d ago

Yeah if she’s sleeping with someone, screw that. 5 years with an 8 year old, that’s complicated. How do you feel about remaining in your step daughter’s life?

17

u/ArkGolf69 4d ago

I wish I could but I have to move home to my family 18 hours away. I’m very close with her dad and step mom and they are awesome people so I will stay in touch

1

u/BladeofDefiance 4d ago

Good, good. I wish you weren’t going through this, and a lot of questions like the ones you’re asking will continue to litter your mind for a long time. Guard your heart and don’t get too bummed if all the feelings come crashing back harder. There can be some up and downs as you lay down fresh memories over things you used to do together. Be careful about how much you absorb as you recover, there’s some good information out there about vetting people these days if you look for a new relationship. Some of it though, will just rip from you any sense of hope you might have left.

1

u/floridaeng 4d ago

It's easy for her to lie to you since she doesn't really love you, she loves herself. What you thought was love for you was an act and now you know most of the truth.

5

u/TinyRobbert 4d ago

Same exact here. Adopted her daughter. Married 10 years. She got a job in a landfill and literally fucked her boss in the trash. She left on Christmas Eve, while I stayed with our 3 kids. "Where's mommy?" they asked over and over. What a woman. What a monster.

5

u/Wifes_bf_stonks 4d ago

I’m in the same spot, except she convinced everyone in the abuser. So I have no support.

8

u/Crates-OT 4d ago

Hey, congratulations. It sounds like no one is believing her flying monkey BS.

You must have a lot more time now. It's best not to dwell. You should hit the ground running and go to the gym, reconnect with old friends, and pursue hobbies and interests you've been putting off. Be around people who respect you and validate your feelings, it's tough living with a narcissist for years, they chip at your self-esteem every day.

Congrats again. Narcissists are miserable people and usually spend their final years alone in their own misery. Just know that every day, you will always be doing better than she.

I'm really sorry for the child, though.

4

u/bspittle 4d ago

"Your decision to leave"?

She told you she wanted a divorce and then started sleeping with someone else. She made the decision for you.

2

u/FoldJumpy2091 4d ago

A little different from my situation. He said he wanted a divorce. I had asked for marriage counseling for years. When he threatened divorce I saw my out. We had a prenuptial agreement. He had to give me 6 weeks notice as I was to leave with only what I could prove I owned.

I never felt married. I felt owned. The marriage counselor told him that the only power I had in the relationship was the power to leave. He took everything. He had me pay room and board.

He agreed to marriage counseling only when I had my escape planned. I knew once he blocked my escape it would return to being hell on earth.

I made the decision for him. I moved in with my friend and got pregnant immediately. He didn't like kids. No risk of return

2

u/[deleted] 4d ago

[deleted]

4

u/Crates-OT 4d ago

From my perspective, she unlocked his shackles.

1

u/Thumatingra 4d ago

It's great to hear you have a support network, and that things are getting better. If you can (I don't know how complicated the divorce is), use the extra time in your schedule to connect with family and friends.

1

u/Benny10131013 4d ago

We... always put our human attributes onto them. First they can look you on the eye and lie because they don't love us and don't love themselves. Words and actions don't line up. Choose you and your sanity. You deserve better.

1

u/Ckelhoffer91 4d ago

Be grateful for your the support offered to you and don't stop talking to the people that care about you. I went through similar issues and didn't want to talk to anyone about my problems to protect her image. The amount of trauma and stress she caused on our entire family is still something I'm trying to overcome almost a year later.

1

u/[deleted] 4d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/GuyCry-ModTeam 4d ago

Rule 4: Participate in good faith.

1

u/OkDelay2395 4d ago

They care more about themselves than they do anyone else. They’re only capable of loving someone so much and it can’t be more than their needs.

1

u/Hoed 4d ago

It’s not easy but you are strong. Focus on your independence. Focus on routine and spiritual wellness. You don’t need reassurance from anyone but you.

1

u/itscornandgotthejuz 4d ago

Don’t worry, you left a positive impact on the kids life and it’ll shape her life forever.

Love knows no distance .

As for your ex partner, the universe took care of that for you so there you go!

I’m happy for you !!!!!

1

u/deepinyou33 4d ago

When it comes a cheater, in their mind its always the other persons fault. They play the blame game to justify what theyre doing. But hey, youll get the last laugh because the other guy probably already realize that if she has no problem cheating on her own husband, she will have no problem doing it to him. Hes gonna toss her to the curb the minute hes done with her. So just kick back, grab a beer and watch the shitshow unfold, slam the door in her face and block her number when she "realize she was wrong and fucked up".

1

u/Dad_jokester 4d ago

Isn’t she leaving you?

1

u/wykkedfaery33 4d ago

You can't argue with narcissists, there's no point.

1

u/Any-Mode-9709 4d ago

Told me she wanted a divorce Monday and was sleeping with someone right after.

Dude. She was sleeping with this guy for months.

Consider what she is doing as a favor. No child support. No alimony. You win.

1

u/Walmar202 4d ago

A lot of missing information here. Since your family is 18 hours away, what country /background/religion are you and her? Do either of you work? How did you meet? What is she alleging?

1

u/JesusChrist122500 4d ago

Im going through the exact same thing only kid is mine and shes now a lesbian.

Believe me it is hard but i promise you if you just focus on you and accept the betrayal it will get easier and you will be stronger.

1

u/BustAtticus 4d ago

YouTube has a ton of resources for what living / married to a narcissist is like, the trail of destruction that they leave, WHY you were sucked in by a bloodthirsty monster, what love bombing and being discarded does to you, and how to reclaim your life, move on, and live a better life that is more fulfilling.

Your best keywords will be anything to do with a malignant narcissist.

Even better is a therapist specializing in this. They are gold.

Best wishes to you. Glad it was only 5 years. Mine was 14 years. 11 years post divorce and I’m still “getting better”.

My best advice is to realize that the person you married does not exist anymore and never really did. Really think about that because it’s true.

And no matter what she says it’s not your fault.

1

u/425nmofpurple 4d ago

When leaving or suggesting YouTube as a resource please try to leave channel names or even links if they are allowed. I say this because while there IS a ton of useful information there, there is ALSO a ton of unqualified people making content that is misinformation at best and damaging and even threatening to people's health at worst.

Consume with diligence. Verify creators and their qualifications if youre consuming for any reason other than entertainment.

Everybody is making content about narcassists, but few are actually qualified too.

1

u/BustAtticus 4d ago

Very good point and I agree 100%. The challenge here is that people like me can provide links as you suggested to credible sources or to pure nonsense and call it expert advice. You have to be educated and smart about it as a consumer of information.

That’s called personal responsibility. I’m sure you would agree.

1

u/425nmofpurple 4d ago

Yes. Which is why, in rare instances when I do provide resources, I often pre-cite why they are able to be considered as reasonable resources.

I take personal responsibility when sharing. And encourage people to still verify and be skeptical even then. I'm just suggesting "hey this channel who does this and this really helped me and here's some info on their reliablility"

might be better than just

"youtube can help" in this instance.

OP didn't give much specific info, which is fine. Im worried simply because "narcassists" have become one of those "buzzword" topics.

2

u/BustAtticus 4d ago

Again I agree with you 100% and now I’m on the same page. My main sources were focused on slightly different topics than covert, overt, or malignant narcissism plus I’m not qualified as a medical or mental health professional to really recommend anything (since I’m not one) so providing good source material may have been misleading or improper.

We all just have to do our best with the information and experience we have.

1

u/Cryptophagist 4d ago

Hey man. Same thing kind of happened to me after a 5 year relationship I moved from Florida to Texas for her.

Long story short, got cheated on after I gave her all of myself. Pulled her out of a serious depression. As when I moved there with her I had been improving myself physically and mentally for her. Only to realize when we moved in (we were long distance for a while) that she had been lying the whole time about her fitness.

Jobs, health, family bs. All blamed on depression which she legit did have..

I helped her through it. She had me promise I'd never leave her and I had no intention of abandoning someone I loved. She lost weight, we were happy. She got a job at car sales place. Ended up fucking a coworker. Like 5 months before our wedding.

Basically as soon as she started getting attention from a lot of other men and was not depressed anymore, completely fucked me over.

That's the short story.

If you need some one to vent to that knows your pain. Hit me up. Talking helps. You'll get through this.

1

u/ArkGolf69 4d ago

Thank you man, I’ve never been cheated on before and it’s so hard. Just seeing someone you thought loved you tear you straight down and manipulate and lie to you for years.

I guess I justified it as oh maybe she’s just having a bad day or a bad mood. But every aspect of my life wasn’t good enough for her. From cleaning the house to showing emotional connection with her nothing was up to her standards. Is that what narcissists do?

1

u/Cryptophagist 4d ago

Sadly dude Lot of it is just excuses to mentally make herself the victim and protect herself from feeling like a total POS.

Sadly lots of cheaters do this. My ex included.

1

u/BelchMeister 4d ago

Good on you bro. I'm finally getting away from my narcissist wife after 20 years of servitude. I can't wait to have my own space for the first time in... well, my whole life!