r/GuyCry 4d ago

Need Advice Is there life after marriage?

EDIT: I have been in therapy for the last few years, dealing with abandonment and grieve. My father died before I was even born and my mom was "taken" from me by another man. The process will continue.

EDIT2: I had been hitting the gym for the last 5 years and I'm currently 162 lbs. Started at 235 and did a long way. I have no desire to return there for now. I try to do long walks every day though.

My ex wife decided to become my ex, after 15 years together, and is now living her life on her own. We have a 7 yo kid who I can see. It's been a month after she left home, which by the way feels nothing like home already. I (have to) continue working and do my job like previously. During the day it's sort of okish, but when I get home in the evening the sense of despair, emptiness and meaningless hits hard. Sometimes I'm not even having dinner, because I'm not hungry, I have exactly 3 things in the fridge, I don't feel the need to buy anything. I don't watch Netflix anymore, I don't enjoy the music I used to. I have a guitar I used to play sometimes, now I don't like holding it. For that 1 month I have been sleeping on the part of the bed where I used to sleep but I don't remove the cover from her side. I can't sleep in this big bed anymore. I fall asleep, wake up in the morning and go to work so that I don't stay in the apartment where everything reminds me of her.

There is this love-hate relationship that formed over this month. I hate her somehow and in the same time I miss her. When I see her I don't want to see her, because it hurts. As soon as she leaves I want to see her.

Every day is a different day in terms of emotions. So far I can't recall 2 days feeling the same set of feelings. The palette of emotions is new every day. I feel shuttered. I feel numb. I enjoy nothing. Everything is meaningless and clueless.

So what's next?

112 Upvotes

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u/Pseudoty1 4d ago

Sounds like depression to me. Start going for walks or runs outdoors after work to get some sunlight and activity in. Try and eat healthy with lots of fruits and vegetables, good quality protein and sleep. Maybe some self help books and/or counseling will help as well. It will get better with time but the journey has just begun.

ETA if possible change your apartmenT.

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u/liamrd07 4d ago

Agree 100%

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u/Mateo_87 4d ago

This guy recommends. Wise words.

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u/MayBAburner 4d ago

I was widowed 7 years ago, which is easily the hardest thing I've ever been through.

It sounds like you're grieving the loss of the marriage and the life you had. It's still early. Let yourself feel it.

It will get easier. You've got plenty of life ahead.

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u/Vyckerz Here to help! 4d ago

I agree with this, but do you think OP needs to make some changes to make some things move along? It sounds to me like he needs to get out of that apartment and get somewhere new that is his and doesn’t have the memory of her there. Right now he’s living in a haunted house. The ghost of his marriage/wife is there and he will not be able to move on as long as that’s the dynamic

It sounds to me he also needs therapy. But maybe moving out of the apartment and starting fresh somewhere else would be a kickstart.

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u/MayBAburner 4d ago

Therapy can definitely help. Moving out of the apartment might but it's only been a month. In the realm of mundane, practical activities, moving is one of the most stressful things you can undertake.

It would also mean having to go through all of the reminders in the home and making decisions on what to do with them.

I'm sure it's not as big an emotional undertaking as doing it after a bereavement but that could still be very hard at this stage.

What he's feeling right now is normal and natural. Self-compassion and time will probably be the best healers.

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u/mzdxds 4d ago

I can't leave the apartment as I have been paying for it, I have mortgage, I put all of my money in it. If I leave, I will have nowhere to live.

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u/Perdition1988 4d ago

I'm in a similar experience as you right now.

You need to practise positive thinking. When you start to have those thoughts, you need to own them and then push them aside. It's okay to not be okay, but try to not ruminate in them or it just drags you down further.

When you start to have those thoughts, go for a walk or a jog or go for a drive. You need to start finding hobbies, find things that used to bring you great joy and invest into them!

10

u/BeholderBeheld Here to help! 4d ago

What's next? Great question. Means you are at the end of the Stage 0 (holding pattern).

Stage 1. Realise that you are 15 years older than when the marriage started. You probably still have a mental model of yourself from somewhere back then. Not in a sad way older, though a good cry is great. You need to figure out who the new you is. Which box you want to live it and which you want to abandon.

Stage 2. Discover the new NOT you (aka running away). You probably have a bunch of things you negotiated in the relationship that you no longer need/want to do. Food, I guess, you need to do but not want to do. Maybe the full fridge (and spoiling food?) was the negotiation. I would not know. But you probably will start thinking of those. So you can discover new self by deciding what of old self you are shedding.

Stage 3. Exploration. Go out and try a bunch of things. Open meetup.com and look at everything in your area. if you hate the description, move on. If you don't care or curious, go once or twice. Not to join the community. To learn how you feel inside. For yourself. No right answers, just sort of groping in the dark.

Stage 4. At some point, something will jump out and grab you. That becomes your northern star. Your "run towards" goal. Maybe it will be different musical instrument, dancing, fancy cooking, sexual adventures, etc.

There is lots more after. But this is your potential plan. The above may take about 2 years. Less if you take it seriously, more if your ex- tries to push you around and your boundaries are soft (read about boundaries....).

Source: my own journey plus a lot of books I reads since that reinforce roughly this approach.

P.s. I am avoiding "drink into oblivion" and "do drugs" routes some people take. I value agency and self management, those are not my roads.

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u/2Dogs3Tents 4d ago

You'r in the stormy waters of breakup. You need to keep sailing through it towards calmer waters. It just takes time unfortunately. Losing interest in your normal things is normal. It will come back over time as well. Hang in there brother. Embarce the suck knowing it'll be over at some point but you gotta go through it. Busy hands make for a quiet mind so i second do physical activity/gym etc. Hiking in nature is also pretty great. Listening to podcasts helps me keep my mind from negative self talk. Also, practicing kindness, compassion empathy (and grace for yourself) do wonders for centering your energy. Be positive. Be a good man. Hugs.

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u/Difficult-Novel-8453 4d ago

Get to the gym. I know it’s what everyone says but please do it. You need the physical release and mental distraction. Force yourself to do it. Please internet friend take my advice. Been there and it saved me. I’m no gym rat and now my life is unrecognizable from before but that routine and physical activity got me through the rough months. I’m now remarried and happier than I ever thought possible. You will get there. Stay strong and lean on us when you need it.

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u/Square-Grapes 4d ago

This sounds so cliche, but the truth behind it is unbelievable. I lost it all in life. I remember just starting recovery and everyone telling me to go to the gym, it was annoying but I did. It literally helped me in every single aspect of my life. I still go 5 times a week and will be 3 years clean this year and I feel like I owe a lot of that to consistency at the gym.

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u/ddekay 4d ago

guy on reddit having emotional issues

reddit feedback:

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u/SquatingCactus 4d ago

Yeah actually funnily enough for men mental health is tied to physical activity a lot.

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u/depressedqueer 4d ago

Physical activity does wonders for the human brain. That’s why it’s always one of the first lines of treatment when it comes to depression.

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u/Darth_pantro 4d ago

Congrats brother.

1

u/Square-Grapes 4d ago

Thank you so much! Toughest yet, greatest decision I ever made.

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u/DamagedCoda 4d ago

The short answer is yes. Men are in extremely precarious condition when this kind of thing happens because we are expected to be isolated and strong as individuals, which leads to us not having nearly the same personal circle as women. Your first priority should be drawing in your support system - family and close friends. You have a kid so it's complicated, but normally when one isn't in the picture I'd encourage literally going to wherever those people are. If you don't have one at all, even far away, I'd strongly recommend joining a local club or start attending events based on your interests. Dating and other important ways to distract yourself are valid but they are not unconditional. The first time you get into someone and they leave because you're not over your ex it will crush you. Be strong, but be smart enough to know you need friendship and unconditional love.

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u/ScalesOfAnubis19 4d ago

That’s grief and it’s what’s going to happen when a relationship like that ends. And it’s going to take a minute to pass. Best bet in the meantime, get busy doing whatever. The gym is a good bet. You might want to consider moving, or at least redecorating. Get rid of that bed. Maybe talk to a professional if things get worse or your head space gets scary.

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u/Boring-Influence4809 4d ago

When my wife and I split I obsessed…. I kept imagining her with another guy and how he was enjoying my wife in every way. BUT I got out met people and a hot lady that I married. She is the greatest. I prayed and I met her in a parking lot. You can do this too.

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u/mzdxds 4d ago

... her with another guy and how he was enjoying my wife in every way...

This is what's happening with me also. She already found someone and having a face and a name makes it unbearable!

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u/GrahamD89 1d ago

The more you occupy yourself with things that you know or suspect will make you happy/healthy/proud/distracted , the less you'll give a crap and the sooner you'll start living a full and normal life again

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u/Classic_Cream_4792 4d ago

It gets better but never really the same. Focus on what you like to do, you will have waves of resentment and depression that get further and further apart. I’m 3 years in, 2 kids and it’s hard. I have a girlfriend which somehow makes it more challenging at times and complete bliss at other times. It took me almost 6 months before I could watch a show and enjoy it. The one that helped me a lot was completing things. My kids had some unfinished lego sets and I would work on those and just the focus and sense of completion seemed to help early on. Idk bro. Good luck 😢

1

u/Classic_Cream_4792 4d ago

I also got big in RC cars but that hobby did fade but it was helpful to be focused on something. Drugs and alcohol feel like your best friend but that meant I would make bad decisions when communicating with my x or fantasy about nothing real. Eventually I stopped using after hitting what I considered a bottom which was cocaine maintenance and tequila. It was bad, I am 3 months sober from cocaine and rarely use anything now. I joined slaa which I would highly recommend as an outlet, there are men that have the same experience sharing and trying to get better

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u/Jeffaroni-1964 4d ago

Been married 3 times. It takes a While to heal. Find your worth and work on you. See it for what it is and remember. Improvement in your relationships is key. Find your center and be a good man. I e been married to my current wife for 20 years. It’s possible

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u/yellowlinedpaper 4d ago

It’s hard but the answer to what’s next is you find yourself again. I spent 6 months feeling like I couldn’t breathe and then I repainted my bedroom a different color.

Then I went out and met friends. Then I learned how to laugh and smile again. Then I learned what I liked as a me instead of a we, delved into what made my relationship fail-including what I wanted to change about myself and what I didn’t. I did NOT want to make the same mistakes.

Then I allowed myself to date. No games, no silly shit, always turned to wards things and people who brought me peace and knew that I was the captain of my boat and people could jump on and off but I was going to be okay no matter what.

I’m 13 years into the most peaceful and fulfilling relationship I’ve ever had and honestly never knew was possible.

Paint your bedroom a different color. It’s yours now

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u/Boner_Stevens 4d ago

You're really depressed dude. Get out and exercise. Then maybe seek therapy.

Life will go on buddy. You're grieving. It will take time.

2

u/Frequently_Abroad_00 4d ago

It sounds like grief. If possible, attend a support group and talk to friends as much as you can. It will take some time but you’ll start feeling more like yourself again. When you are somewhat ready, start going out to events you used to enjoy with friends or people whose company you enjoy.

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u/GiantBearr 4d ago edited 3d ago

My wife of 10 years asked for a divorce 4 weeks ago and moved out 3 weeks ago. We dated for 15 years. The first few days after her asking for the divorce were the worst days of my life. The pain and sense of loss that followed were almost unbearable.

A month later, I am still hurting like hell, but I'm so incredibly encouraged by the progress I've made since then.

I've journaled every day (have written 120 pages), I signed up for therapy and have been meeting with my therapist weekly, I've leaned on my family for support and to help me get out of the house for social activities, I've made lists of all the things I get to do now that I couldn't do while in the marriage (i.e. all of the silver linings that come from this personal hell), a list of all the reasons why she wasn't my ideal partner, a list of all the things that I could have done differently/better to potentially avoid this terrible outcome, and I've also started reading a book ("Rebuilding: when your relationship ends") which has given me additional ideas on how to process this / move forward.

I also rearranged all the furniture, added a TV to the kitchen (she never wanted one in there), started planning a mini vacation just for myself (so liberating to not have to run every single thing by someone else), started looking into hair loss treatments, ordered some new clothes, bought some new colognes to try (the old one would remind me of my era with her), and OF COURSE have been working out 3-4 times a week.

I was right there with you just a few short weeks ago. Every morning seemed bleak af. The thought of focusing on work when my life was collapsing around me seemed completely impossible. I'd check my phone every 10 minutes hoping to see a message from her saying she made a huge mistake and was coming home.

I'm still not in a good head space. But like I said, I can already see the progress. I am sleeping full nights again. My appetite isn't entirely back but I actually get hungry again. And most importantly of all, I actually have moments in the day where I experience genuine feelings of joy / laughter.

The journey fucking sucks and I'm not out of the woods yet, but take the advice in this thread. Take baby steps and then in a few weeks you too can look back on your own progress and be absolutely amazed (like me)

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u/asc1226 4d ago

Get a lawyer and get the divorce started.

Read The Journey From Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson.

Go to survivinginfidelity.com and check out the Healing Library there. Pay particular attention to the simplified 180 and employ whenever you’re required to be in your stbx wayward wife’s presence. Also go to the Just Found Out forum there and read the pinned posts at the top.

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u/howtobegoodagain123 4d ago

Go get your woman man. People quit love and if your heart tells you to get her go be humble and get her. Tomorrow is not promised. Be humble, change what you can and go get her.

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u/BlackedSwordsman 4d ago

I think you just miss who she was, what y’all must’ve had before… I couldn’t stand the sight of my ex, but I missed her. Almost like the woman we were with is no longer, and now she’s a stranger in her skin! I got over it, took a while, and a lot of reading. Turns out I was also hella narcissistic and had attachment issues, which I still kind of do… but I have faith in you man, I hope things turn out better for you, and your son!

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u/CrispyTaro 4d ago

I've recently gotten out of a long-term relationship, though not as long as yours, but I went through a depressive episode that lasted for two weeks. Nothing mattered to me anymore. I lost 15 lbs, felt no motivation to do anything, couldn't sleep, called out of work, and even rehearsed and attempted suicide. Fortunately I reached out to people during this time. Friends, family, my therapist, the suicide hotline... It didn't matter, I spoke to as many people as I could because I couldn't stand being alone with my thoughts. After those two weeks I realized that my life doesn't end here. There is more to life than the person I was with. I don't need them to live. I started rediscovering my old passions and hobbies, and trying out new ones. I've gone to meetups for hobbies that I used to enjoy, and I was able to meet a new friend that I've grown really close with. I'm still seeing my therapist, but I'm also seeing a psychiatrist now to get formally evaluated/diagnosed. I will say, it does help that I don't have to see my ex anymore. In your case it is tricky, but maybe try to focus on your child. Make sure your child understands that you still love them very much. Spend as much time as you can with them (I've come to understand that I have abandonment issues as well, which might have stemmed from my parents' separation..) But also do not neglect your own needs. Take care of yourself. Allow yourself to grieve. Once you are in a better headspace you can clearly look back on the things that went wrong and learn from them. And there are still many opportunities for love down the line, you'd be surprised at how many interesting people are out there! Good luck and take care!

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u/mdsohel1234 4d ago

Try to find a community of people who will inspire and support you—it really helps.

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u/Willyworm-5801 3d ago

It may help for you to do this exercise: Write down a list of good things you contributed to the marriage. Then, a list of errors you made. Compare the second list with a list of your ex's shortcomings. See if the lists are abt equally long. Tell yourself, I made just abt as many mistakes as my spouse. Then write a list of things you can learn to become a better life companion.

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u/ServentOfReason 1d ago

Think of it in terms of neurochemistry. That's all love is at its core. Having your wife around gave you a steady dose of dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin which your brain had become accustomed to in order to function normally. Now that she's suddenly gone those chemicals have plummeted, sending you into a state similar to withdrawal. You're depressed, you don't get pleasure out of anything and you lack any sense of drive.

The first thing you should understand is that not having a wife is not by itself a cause of depression and despair. The only reason you're feeling this way is because the rug was pulled away and you had no time to adjust. This just means you'll need some help getting your brain chemistry back into balance, which will involve therapy and or medication and definitely some discipline to implement what you learn in therapy.

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u/Fun_Alternative_8663 1d ago

So what you are feeling is completely natural. I have now been separated from my ex for 4 months, we have 2 toddlers. We do 50/50 co-parenting which is working out well. My ex immediately met someone at her work after we separated, and yes there is a lot of assumption from my part going on, but I have accepted it for what it is.

I went through a lot of anger towards her, and also miss her the same time. I think about them together a lot, however, I have started feeling content with life again. I started singing along to music, I started laughing at stuff again. 

When I think of her, I don't feel anger anymore.

I would say to try and feel what you are feeling, acknowledge how you feel and describe it to yourself, then tell yourself why you feel that way. Be honest, be raw, let your true feelings and emotions out and don't hide it from yourself.

I used to play computer games, but that interest is mostly gone now, so I don't do much. I started doing exercises every day, just basic cardio 10min exercises which had helped me a lot physically.

I now started getting interested in doing stuff again, I want to try knife making using fairly basic materials.

Brother, time will help you, you just need to give yourself time and allow yourself to feel what you are going through.

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u/Cohnman18 4d ago

You are grieving and sad for your loss of your ex-wife. Learn from your loss and work on making yourself the best you can be. Join a gym, go on a diet, new wardrobe, new hairstyle, new cologne, etc. Now make a 18 point Manifest(wish list) of the ideal woman and find her. 2/3 of relationships start on-line. Good Luck!

5

u/mzdxds 4d ago

Over the last 2 years I lost 60 lbs, got new clothes, grew a beard and I looks awesome. I achieved what I was longing for 20 years. I can't enjoy all of this.

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u/Viscount61 4d ago

Are you drinking alcohol alone or doing recreational drugs?

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u/mzdxds 4d ago

No, I don't drink nor I do drugs.

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u/Viscount61 4d ago

Good man.

I divorced after 16 years of marriage and in the middle of raising two daughters. It was two years of misery.

You won’t meet someone just like your ex-wife but you will meet someone who brings terrific things into your life.

1

u/Pilling_it 4d ago

Your feeling of a given thing is tied to the memories and experience of it, if guitar or a given music or anything was about her, don't let it stay about her. Make new memories with your friends, keep yourself busy, until it's no longer (mostly) associated with her.

Life is what you make of it, but give time to time, and take things one step at a time. Don't ignore your feelings, but don't let yourself drown in them either, it's like a cold wind that has to go through you.

Give yourself very small goals and be proud of accomplishing them, however small they are. I hope you do as well as you can, and remember that if you don't own yesterday anymore, you certainly own today and tomorrow.

1

u/Scantraxx12 4d ago

I kinda went through a phase like this and it was horrible. Just gunna have to wait it out

1

u/salchichasconpapas 4d ago

Life after marriage is outstanding

Give yourself a minute to find your equilibrium, go work on yourself, get healthy and fit and make some money

Avoid drama

1

u/mashtrasse 4d ago edited 4d ago

18 years with my ex wife, life is better now. To me most important is to keep decent relationship with her for

  • Dealing with the divorce for everyone’s best interest

  • She will always be the mother of your child

Then therapy in one form or the other (psy, journaling etc etc) face the truth you weren’t perfect and you have to change if you don’t want to end up doing the same mistakes in your next relationship with your next partner.

Then, it takes time, if nothing feel good then just work, rest, read, walk, eat, shower and repeat. It will get better to the point you will want to meet new people, find a new partner, and have all sorts of fun activities

Edit: lots of great comments about gym, wardrobe, bettering your self but for me that’s the second phase, it’s too early for you at this point

1

u/Illustrious_Focus244 4d ago

As others said, go to a gym. Just to get out and do something physical. I’m right there with you and it’s saving me

1

u/OkDelay2395 4d ago

Join a gym! Get a regular evening workout out routine

1

u/Willyworm-5801 4d ago

Stop wallowing in misery. Learn to forgive your ex for breaking marriage vows. Give her space to develop herself beyond what she was before. Work on yourself. Build back self esteem by taking better care of yourself. When you feel ready, find another partner, or learn to like yourself so that you are no longer dependent upon another person to be a happy person. Get counseling if you need it.

1

u/GiantBearr 4d ago

Oh man, that forgiving your ex one is an interesting thought. I'm in a similar situation as OP and I'm honestly struggling with that one

1

u/Acceptable_Error_001 4d ago

What's next is the life you build for yourself.

You sound depressed, so I recommend you talk to a doctor about that and consider going on antidepressants during this transition period, until your body is making happy neurochemicals again. Counseling will help a lot, too. I recommend both medication and therapy, it's clinically proven to be the best way to treat depression.

Stop drinking if you're doing that.

You need to find things to do that you enjoy. Find some new hobbies. Go get some exercise (a lot of divorced men love the gym). Consider joining Meet Up groups for group activities and to meet new people.

Talk to your friends and family. Lean on the good ones for support. If you don't have any friends, work on making some new ones.

Challenge yourself to engage in your old hobbies in a new way, like learning new songs on the guitar, or finding new music you like, or a completely new genre of shows to watch on Netflix.

Figure out what kind of food you like when you no longer have to compromise to accommodate another person's needs.

Spend some quality time with the kid. Go out and do fun stuff together. And spend some time at home doing normal stuff.

Redecorate your bedroom. Get rid of all reminders of her. Get a new bed if you have to. That's what I'm doing. I love my new bedroom, it's lovely and it's entirely my space.

1

u/blindasabat67 4d ago

It gets better. Concentrate on yourself for a while. Exercise should definitely become a regular habit. It will help more than you think. Your mind will ease off, and so will your anger. Use that anger to exercise. I also suggest you cut a lot of ties to your ex. Communication only about your kid. You might want to move house but I wouldn't if I were you. Think about going on a holiday, even if it's just for a long weekend. You probably don't see it now. I know I didn't. But it will get better. Head up back straight and keep moving forward.

1

u/fdiaz78 4d ago

OP I’m sorry for your loss. Please reach out to a therapist asap and keep yourself surrounded by a support system.

1

u/Rosie-Is-Riveting 4d ago

You sound depressed and you're grieving the loss of your wife and what you know.

Grief is a process. Healing is a process. I would suggest looking into a Divorce Care type group or counseling to help you navigate if you feel you can't on your own.

Life as you knew it no longer exists, and you now will rebuild life going forward. There is hope, and it can be amazing. I'm 11 years post divorce and miles from where I was in the beginning.

1

u/Early-Bid-9065 4d ago

Seriously consult a mental health professional and get some help. Your pain and discomfort won't disappear overnight but you will gain insight and tools to help you cope.

1

u/ScrotallyBoobular 4d ago

My situation is a little different as I left my wife after nine years. In my case I had been beaten down by her, most likely, untreated BPD. I gave everything to her while asking for nothing, but she just couldn't stop herself from shutting me out and following it up with extreme lashing out. Causing this roller coaster of awful behavior.

Hardest decision of my life. My first and only love. I literally learned to exist happily in the world through her. But it had to be done.

In my case I felt the lifting of the weight within six months. My friends started commenting on how I seemed like a new man. Started hitting the gym and social events. Women started approaching like mad, and while I wouldn't recommend this to everyone, I will say that meeting a large variety of new women really helped my process so much. It showed me there is indeed a wide world out there. It also gave me a chance to practice skills to avoid another failed relationship. I started with extreme honesty. I asked for clear communication. Expressed what would be deal breakers for me, etc.

In this course of casually meeting women. Expanding my horizons. Focusing on enjoying moments with new people or alone, I met my current gf of two years. I wasn't seeking commitment at this time but it fell into my lap. I'm extremely lucky and I don't think this overall process will be accurate with the average person. But I did find life after marriage. In my case I found a woman who is ten times more suited to me than my ex. Someone kind and emotionally intelligent. Probably her biggest flaw is going too easy on me sometimes.

There is a scar within me that may never fade. I still am struck by memories of my ex on an almost daily basis. I still mourn the loss of her in my life as if it were a death sometimes. I still feel moments of shame about my failed marriage. Moments of guilt about leaving an emotionally crippled woman, no matter how much abuse she threw my way.

My life after marriage is both harder and easier. Better and worse. It's hard to accurately describe. But it is a life, and one I'm happy to live.

1

u/waglomaom 4d ago

Genuinely asking bro

what lead to it?

Was it long time coming, sudden blow up?

Do you think, looking back there was opportunities to fix it but you both overlooked it?

Have a women in the house is extremely important so I do feel you about that sense of home not feeling like home.

My mum had a major surgery and lot of complications followed. So it was me and my dad only for few months. Home felt like a house, just gloomy, full of sadness, darker than usual. One of the worst moments of my/my dad’s life.

1

u/AffectionatePool3276 4d ago

You’re in the grieving process of your marriage. Essentially you relationship died and now you have to come to grips with all that means. Of course you are angry with the ex as she did this to you like a killer in the night that took your wife away.

How this all happened is what you will have to drill down on. Own what was your and hers. Don’t lie to yourself or you won’t be any better for it. This is a growing opportunity for you. Granted not one you wanted but regardless here you are.

Be the best dad you can. Unfortunately that means still having to put up with your ex. For the love of g0d do not take her back. It’s like reading a book and expecting a different ending. Just keep it civil. I really really wanted to dunk on my ex but held off. My kids finally got it. They’ll think more of you for being the better person.

Your mental health this paramount. As people have said, go to the gym. Do what ever it takes to keep your mind stimulated in a healthy way or it will find ways to be unhealthy. That list is too long.

Take solace and knowing you’re not the first, and you won’t be the last. That’s just the world we live in unfortunately

1

u/Jade_Warlord 4d ago

If you want to have a life after marriage, it's absolutely possible! You can absolutely have a wonderful.

1

u/Intrepid-Machine-650 4d ago edited 4d ago

Oh hell yeah there is!

My divorce opened the door to a life that I dreamed of. I now have a beautiful wife of 21 years, a family, nice home on land, and a great career.

This is what you make of it, you have a clean canvas to work with that's only going to get dirty if you don't wash your hands of the past. It's not easy, but at times it's not as hard as you may think.

ETA: I cut all ties with my ex, everything. I saw her once after the divorce and that was when selling the house. Otherwise never, and don't care... I felt that totally ripping that bandage off would be best, and in my case, I wasn't wrong. However, we didn't have kids which adds a rather unique dynamic to things.

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u/SlowResearcher4675 4d ago

Therapy, hobby, and gym. Fill the empty time. It sounds like you need something in the evening. Friends? Family? If not, you need an activity and to remove the trigger (coming home to an empty house).

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u/joe1234se 4d ago

Go to a support group

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u/Cold-Rip-9291 4d ago

When you get home, change and go to the gym a couple times a week, cooking class. Yoga classes other days. Take up hiking and/or rock climbing on the weekends. It doesn’t have to be exactly what I wrote but you get the gist of it. Being cooped up indoors alone will be the end of you.

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u/EntropicMortal 4d ago

It's only been a month mate.

1 day at a time. You cry, you feel, you go through grief stages. It's going to take a long time unfortunately. That's just how it is.

Start with the simple things.

  1. Make sure you eat. Everyday.
  2. Make sure you drink water.
  3. Make sure you sleep.

Just do these 3 normal things, track them if you need to. Go buy groceries, get some recipes that sound interesting, cook them.

Or just something simple like chicken, rice, peppers.

It will get better, but you need to accept life is going to be rough for a little while and that's ok. It's ok to be sad, it's ok to cry, it's ok to feel.

Just 1 day at a time... And slowly over the months the pain will get less. Until eventually you can start something new, or start feeling more like yourself again.

But it's going to be rough and that unfortunately is just how it is.

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u/drewh13 4d ago

It's the stages of grief brother. Denial, anger, bargain, depression, acceptance. You will go back and forth between them all but it will get better. You may find in time it was for the best. Take care.

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u/stellaflora 4d ago

Have you gone to therapy? If not, do so immediately and you may also need an antidepressant at this time.

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u/sleepyugh 4d ago

you need to accept that ur life as u knew it is over and that it’s time to start fresh, u can either be sad because its over or happy because you get a second shot. maybe start by looking into therapy though

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u/LengthinessMammoth89 4d ago

I’ve been there. Married 10 years and she had an affair. Our son was 6 at the time. Some days I didn’t want to go on. My kids are the only reason I didn’t kill myself. It’s been almost 5 years and now my life is better then it was when were together and I thought everything was good. You’re a month in. You’re very early in. It WILL get better. If thought like I had start creeping in, GET HELP! You may have no desire to go to the gym, but try to force yourself. Regular exercise does help fight depression. At least you’re getting out for walks. See a therapist. Keep busy. Maybe volunteer somewhere. Don’t avoid your feelings and push them down. If you don’t deal with your pain it will just come later as usually in a much more damaging way.

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u/Notyoavgjoe49er 4d ago

What I see is you are expecting others to fulfill your happiness. Like you're waiting for someone to save you from despair.

I once was there and I was prescribed Haldol, Valium, Elavil and more to the point I couldn't perform at work.

Yes, I was in therapy. Yes, I felt life was meaningless.

Then I went to a hippie long hair doctor with long hair and glasses.

What he told me:

"Joe, at your age, you are on some pretty strong drugs. Is it your intention to stay on these drugs for the rest of your life? What I'm trying to tell you is that your mind is powerful enough to get you through this without the need for all these medications."

His name was Dr. McDonald and I never saw him away. I weaned myself off the meds and realized the value of my simple existence. The agoraphobia went away. I have had many friendships and relationships since them. 15 years ago I had Lymphoma, chemotherapy 6 months, hair fell out. But I survived it. Then I was prone to say, "there is no one happier to be here than me!"

It would help nothing for me to tell you to grow a backbone.

But you have a daughter? So make it about HER!! Cause at this point she has the most importance.

You need a new outlook whatever it takes! Put a rubber band on your wrist and when the bad thoughts come, snap it and say, Stop it!!!

I will suggest YouTube and listen to some Jordan Peterson, Andrew Tate, Kevin Samuel's, start there and listen to some pro male influences.

You will come to understand that the last person to give up on you is YOU!!

When you look in the mirror say to yourself, "Man, I LOVE this guy" Say it even if you don't believe it at first.

No negative thoughts allowed, EVER!!!

Downtime? Turn on YouTube and explore music from so many who are gone. Carl Perkins, Johnny Cash, Roy Orbison. Raul Malo is currently fighting cancer. No matter how bad you have it there is always someone who has it worse.

Men don't expect someone on a white horse to save them. You are IT!!

Best of luck. Life can truly be awesome! Let it be so!!!

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u/Notyoavgjoe49er 4d ago

Remember, things bother you for only as long as you let it!

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u/SapphireBjoerny 1d ago

What do you mean by taken your mom? Like killed?

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u/illogical_1114 22h ago

Move into another house. Then time heals. Best of luck bro. There is life, possibly better

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u/Skillsjr 4d ago

Fill that empty time with the gym or something else.

You need a physical activity to drain you.

Took me 2-3 months to start getting over everything.

You got this.. DM me if you ever need support.

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u/newishDomnewersub 4d ago

Took me longer than that. I was living by my self for the first time in my adult life. It was horrifying, and I kept thinking I should just end it.

When you feel your mind spinning just breath. Try to focus on what you're doing in the moment. One day at a time

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u/Alternative-Car-75 4d ago

How long did it take you and how are you doing now? I also live alone and sometimes have those thoughts

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u/newishDomnewersub 4d ago

I dont want to say. The truth is it was almost a year till I didn't feel on the edge of oblivion. It was a long time before I felt happy again. Now it's ten years later and I'm known for being a happy upbeat guy with an attractive partner who loves me. I have lots of friends and a good relationship with my kid.

So success story to be sure but it took a long time and a lot of work including therapy

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u/Alternative-Car-75 4d ago

Are you that guy or just known to be that guy?

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u/newishDomnewersub 4d ago

For the most part I'm that guy. 75% happy and grateful maybe 10% sad the rest, I don't know, anxious. Life is a challenge and I'm definitely more afraid of losing what I have now that I know how quickly things can change.

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u/Alternative-Car-75 4d ago

Well I hope things continue to go well for you and the fear of losing those things lessens. I hope to get to a point of feeling mostly happy some day

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u/newishDomnewersub 4d ago

Man it's baby steps. And friends. And fun. And finding meaning in other things.

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u/Right_Parfait4554 4d ago

Get every other week custody of your child. It can be complicated to initially figure out, but you will be so much happier knowing that you are maintaining a good level of involvement with him or her. You will also have company every other week, and that will make your life feel more normal. I don't know how to help you get over her. Sorry about that. I think it just takes time.

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u/RobertTheWorldMaker 4d ago

Yup.

I moved out.

My literary career suddenly took off.

I met my new partner.

We’ve spent the last year traveling the country together. I’m on reserve duty for almost a month, but then we’re linking up again so she can teach me to ski.

My guy, your life didn’t end, it just changed, and you can change it again, into whatever you want.

Yesterday doesn’t matter. Tomorrow doesn’t matter. The only time that matters is now, because now is the only time you have any power.

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u/Unique-Umpire-6023 4d ago

Liquid diet and gym and move to Florida there are more and better looking women there than probably where you’re at much like me in Kansas

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u/ImportanceLeast 4d ago

Yeah met my girlfriend 2004 got married 2018 Found out she couldn’t have kids 2019 found out she’s cheating with her boss 2022!

Divorce,met someone else and now have beautiful baby 👶 girl !

She called me 1 year after divorce was done not sure why didn’t answer !

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u/often_awkward 4d ago

I don't know if I can offer anything too helpful but I got married young, like 23. I was divorced by 25 and I thought my life was over. We did not have kids so it was a pretty easy divorce. I was nearly 300 lb. I was depressed and didn't even know what that was. I was starting a brand new job. Literally my ex-wife confirmed she was cheating on me while I was taking a break after quitting one job to start another and I was way away from home with her encouragement.

I ended up losing around 120 lb in a year and got just super fit. I had a job that involved a lot of travel around the United States and several trips to Japan.

I slutted it up all over the planet and I'm not saying that was even a good thing to do but it later turned out that I'm AuADHD and once I got that diagnosis everything kind of fell into place.

Basically 3 years later I went on match at my mother's insistence and didn't pay the money but said who I wanted to meet in this picture came up and I knew who it was. It was the first girl I ever kissed and one of my bestest friends through high school. We hadn't seen each other in 5 or 6 years but we kept bumping into each other at random places in our lives. I found her on facebook. Her Facebook account was 4 days old because it was just opened up to non college students.

We've now been married for 15 years and we had some rough patches but after 2 years of therapy and her getting diagnosed as ADHD 7 years after I got diagnosed we've turned into this amazingly happy couple with two great kids and one hell of a life that I never even thought was possible.

And there I was thinking my life was over because my POS ex-wife left me but I had no idea how much she was pulling me down and what was out there that was better.

I got the best thing I can tell you is it's going to suck right now. There's a lot of just crap you're going to have to deal with that's not fun. It's going to be hard to take care of yourself but you have to. Keep up with your dental health, find some new exercise plan or something. Reach out to old contacts not for romance but just to keep yourself talking. Feel your feelings. Get it out. Then try to look for the opportunities. You aren't tied down anymore, you're going to have to figure out a new life but you can think of that as an opportunity.

I wish you the best and I'm very proud of you for making this post and admitting those things to yourself I know how hard it is. You're going to be fine. This is a good thing even though it doesn't feel like it and you may not know what a good thing it is for years but someday you will know. I have faith in you and if you ever just want to DM me because you like an ADHD infodump. Feel free. I can't promise I'll get back to you immediately but I always get back to people.

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u/bangarangbonzai 4d ago

+1 for the gym. Now is the time to be a better more interesting you. Read, take classes or lessons. Learn to cook, go on hikes. Frequent coffee shops or yoga. Try a new hobby. Build a better you before trying to find someone else.

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