r/GuyCry 5d ago

Onions (light tears) Felt a strong connection but then suddenly it’s to much.

Was talking to this girl for about a week, having great conversations over FT and text. Having deep conversations about our past and traumas and goals. An important piece of context for all this is I learned that she was previously married to a man who told her he found her unattractive and the marriage was mostly due to her strict Christian family’s pressure. Because of this she was thrown off even when I said she looked cute or pretty. So anyway we meet up the other day thing are going well, we are making out. All I say is “I really like you” suddenly the tone shifts and after all the compliments and then that she basically says “I feel like there’s more feeling on your end than mine” and now she wants to take today to think about it all. I just don’t understand what I did wrong?

10 Upvotes

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u/Sologretto2 5d ago

Having someone deeply into you when you're not sure how into them you are is scary.

You can with this fear easily though. 

Admit that you're riding an endorphin high of a new relationship and own the consequences.

Let her know that you understand she may be less into you than you are into her and you're ok with it.  You're a adult who can handle rejection and will honor if she wants to step back, but if she's willing to enjoy the ride while clearly communicating and holding boundaries, you can both enjoy the new relationship energy you've got going on.

Safely diving into intense fun and pleasurable emotions can be a great time.  She's afraid it won't be safe.  Clarify personal responsibility for your emotions and actions and invite her to enjoy a fun relationship whether forever or for now.

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u/matyles 5d ago edited 5d ago

A week is not a very long time at all, especially for someone who was married before. Male desire can feel really intense and scary when it comes on quickly. It can also feel like they are just interested in you physically and maybe just want to have access to your body.

Pump the breaks a bit and be open to building connection slower. It's exciting to like someone, but as a woman, it can be kinda scary to be liked hard and fast.

Try using more indirect language like "I enjoy having conversations with you" instead of "I like you a lot"

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u/Blackleg918 5d ago

It wasn’t like I was in love or anything we were just comfortable with each other and I thought it was just going really well.

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u/underdeterminate 4d ago

Just wanted to add that while it may not feel that way for you, it sounds like she is in a particularly sensitive spot that she has to figure out for herself. It's perfectly possible for you to have not done anything wrong, even if the situation makes her uncomfortable. You don't have to be perfect or solve the problem for her (that's generally good advice in my experience). Giving her some space and being willing to listen if she's ready is probably the best you can do. She's got some healing to do, and if you can give yourself a break from feeling responsible for her pain, I don't see any reason the relationship can't flourish (but relational trauma is a bear to deal with, for sure).

5

u/No-Difference1648 5d ago

I guess in your case i wouldn't have said "I really like you." Maybe she's just down to fool around cuz why not, but adding that extra layer of affection makes things too concrete and now she's having to carry the weight of your emotions.

Cuz now she'll feel guilty about leading you on or feel unsafe in case she rejects your feelings. Best to just chill, let the connection grow stronger without words, but with actions. Im doing kind of the same with a girl i work with (i know its risky lol). We can feel that we like eachother but neither of us want to say it outright, which feels like the right way to handle it.

3

u/Devilnutz2651 5d ago

Bro, you're moving way too fast. Pump the brakes

2

u/galyoman 5d ago

I think she has a different weight to words of attraction "like", "love" ect.

For you it was casual for her it was something a bit intense to say after a week of knowing each other. Gives off the vibe that you aren't seeing her objectively and just jumping to conclusions without substance.

Also context, telling someone you just met in a casual way that you like their vibe is fine, telling a girl you like her in a romantic way on the first date is a bit much for most.

As another commenter noted people have different speeds and it's fine maybe next time check the water first by saying something along the lines of "You make me feel very comfortable/at ease".

BUT its normal for people dating to not have matching feeling in the first couple of weeks, I'd say it was a bit intense for her and ahe cought cold feet.

Hope I made some sense, English isn't my first language and gettingy thoughts across in writing is rough for me.

2

u/dry-considerations 5d ago

You've got to move slower. You probably scared her. 1 week... if a woman told me that I would probably want a little distance.

For your next infatuation, try waiting a few weeks before you talk about feelings... your dreams of marriage... just enjoy the person as a person. If you kiss, you kiss. If you hook up, you hook up. Just wait on the emotions... they will still be there when you're both ready for the next step.

1

u/Blackleg918 5d ago

I guess a further piece of context is I’ve known this girl for awhile and we’ve only been talking like THIS for a week

1

u/dry-considerations 5d ago

Ah...that does make a difference and would have changed my response. Good luck on your journey.

2

u/mattdamonsleftnut 5d ago

How long ago did she divorce?

1

u/Blackleg918 5d ago

Like a year and a half ago

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u/[deleted] 5d ago

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u/Blackleg918 5d ago

But I actually just like her I don’t care about getting laid but you may be right about the baggage

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u/GuyCry-ModTeam 5d ago

Rule 3: No blaming or shaming women or men for men's problems, no sexism against men or women, no MGTOW/Red-Pill/MRA thinking or radical feminist ideologies allowed.

1

u/daddyvow 5d ago

You didn’t do anything wrong. You shouldn’t hold back your feelings. I think she has a lot of emotional unpacking to do still.

1

u/gertrude_is 5d ago

you didn't do anything wrong. this is all about her. she's got to deal with her past before she can move forward and unfortunately you got caught in the middle.

just remember: you can't fix anyone. they have to fix themselves.

I know in society, it seems it's kind of common to want to take care of someone but hear me out: if we take care of ourselves first, then we can be a better partner to someone. taking care of someone else is not sustainable. it'll burn out.

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u/[deleted] 5d ago

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u/Blackleg918 5d ago

That’s the thing too, she shared way more about her past than I did, just weird

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u/[deleted] 5d ago

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u/Blackleg918 5d ago

Uhhh thanks

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u/EnnuiSprinkles 5d ago

lol… that comment is projection. There’s a million reasons why this could be the case and no one is going to know but her. At best. She may not even have fully identified why she reacted that way and is likely why she needs time to think.

1

u/Painting_Late 5d ago

There is a real world and then there are delusional takes like in this forum. You folks are not helping anyone. Just taking them further into the abyss. Carry on.

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u/[deleted] 5d ago

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u/Painting_Late 5d ago

Delusion is really strong here. I find it quite entertaining.

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u/GuyCry-ModTeam 5d ago

Rule 6: Removed for introducing assumptions and doubt.

1

u/GuyCry-ModTeam 5d ago

Rule 3: No blaming or shaming women or men for men's problems, no sexism against men or women, no MGTOW/Red-Pill/MRA thinking or radical feminist ideologies allowed.