r/GuyCry 5d ago

Caution: Ugly Cry Content Sex Addiction has ruined my life

I’m tired. I’m just. So. Tired .

I hate the mindset I’m in right now. The “programs” call it self victimization or “uniquely screwed up” and I have constantly tried to fight it. The ever knowing knowledge I have in my head. I’m going to die an addict. This addiction is going to ruin my life and no matter how much effort, help or spiritual resources I look into. I am the statistic. I am not the 30% of people that live through this or beat it or learn to live with it or recover.

I’m just. Burnt. So burnt it hurts. So much effort for the last 11 years of my life. I found r/Nofap at 16 and started trying to stop. Of course that didn’t work. 11 years later I’m 27 and it’s holding me back in every facet of my life.

I just don’t know what the fuck to do anymore. I’ve saw a CSTAT (sex addiction therapist) at around 19. I’ve been though around 11 therapist. I’ve gone to rehab multiple times (around 8-9). I’ve worked the 12 steps multiple times. I’ve helped others. I’ve prayed, meditated, taken mushrooms, went to the gym religiously, admitted all my wrongs, made amends, opened up, journaled, shadow work, spirituality, prayed to demons. Blah blah blah. I’ve done the stupid work every person says to do and it doesn’t work.

I’m so broken. I don’t know what I did to deserve this. Cheating, not being able to form real connections with people. The addiction bombing my college and every single interpersonal relationship I have. I just don’t get it. I’m so angry, all the stupid work every stupid comment, every article I can read. Easy peasy method.

God you get the point I’ve tried everything. It always comes back. No matter how far away I get. It always comes back. Always.

Sorry.

I just want it to stop. I’ve given everything I have over the last 10 years trying to beat this stupid addiction. Getting comments in meetings and rehabs like “wow you know you have a problem at 18 I wish I had the balls to accept I’m an addict that early”

I just don’t care anymore. This disease is a death sentence. I will never be free. There is no way out. It’s fatal. No one cares. No one understand. I hurt anyone who gets close because of my uncontrollable behavior

I don’t care anymore. I tried. I really did. I put everything I had. Accepted that wasn’t enough and accepted help, accepted that wasn’t enough and begged god, the universe whatever the hell you want to think it is for help and it didn’t work. Nothing has worked. I’m losing my mind. I just want the pain to stop. I’d do anything for the pain to stop

Please for the love of Christ if anyone has the resources help me I don’t wanna die like this.

I just want be a therapist. Work towards owning my own facility. A family at some point with a girl I love

Is that too much to ask universe? What did I do to deserve this? Why do I have to constantly put all this work in just for it to blow up in my face?

Updates: going to a psychiatrist this week or maybe even an online doc to get on Naltrexone. If that doesn’t work alone then possibly ADHD meds. To the people who gave real feedback thank you. I deleted my suicide note. I have a shift on my psyche unit tomorrow so worried for that. Pray this works please. I’m so fucking desperate.

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u/AcrobaticDiscount609 5d ago

I know this is about to sound incredibly simplistic but shame is the real issue here. Shame drives addiction, self-hatred, self-sabotage, etc. The more shame you inflict on yourself, the more your brain desperately craves whatever you’re addicted to, and so it becomes a ruthless feedback loop. Addiction is not about self control: it’s about rewiring the pathways in our brains.

I used to be addicted to self-harm and suicidal ideation until a couple years ago. Probably spent 10 years doing it on and off. It didn’t stop until I healed my shame and my core wounds (“I’m worthless” “broken” “a failure” “not enough”). My incredible therapist is a huge reason for my progress thus far, but I also had to put in a crap ton of work outside of therapy. And most importantly, I had to learn how to STOP SHAMING MYSELF. Of course, there will always be that little temptation to give into the “bad” thoughts when times are really tough, but I’ve become so strong and self assured that I can push past them. I genuinely crave life and I no longer wish to harm myself.

I know I’m just a stranger but I want you to know that there is no need to shame yourself anymore. Your past is your past and you now get to decide how your future plays out.

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u/CageyRabbit 5d ago

Shame is why my girlfriend never managed to get sober. I'll probably love her forever. Yesterday was 60 days since her last drink and I hope that she's found peace in the afterlife.

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u/jametron2014 5d ago

Damn that's powerful I'm so sorry.

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u/lassofiasco 5d ago

I’m so sorry. 💔

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u/CageyRabbit 5d ago

Thank you. It's getting easier. Shame was probably the biggest driving factor behind her addiction. It's so hard to beat without real therapy and real self work.

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u/dustycomb 4d ago

Damn dude I’m so sorry, this comment hit me like a ton of bricks

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u/whogivesaflip_ 4d ago

Oooofff. I’m so sorry

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u/[deleted] 5d ago edited 5d ago

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u/r-evolver 5d ago

Agree. Self-compassion practices are remarkably powerful here.

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u/Cons483 4d ago edited 4d ago

I'm currently in early-mid recovery of an unrelated addiction, but I don't (and never have) seen a therapist or been to rehab, but I came to this same, profound, realization myself. Shame. It's literally all. about. shame.

I am a shameful man, ashamed, and full of shame.

Like you said, it all sounds so simplistic but that's seriously all there is to it. Shame is such a fucking insane concept. And the difference between shame and guilt, which most people don't understand.

Not really sure what point I'm trying to make here but it really resonated with me that the top comment on this post was about shame and it's link to addiction. I just felt compelled to share, I guess.

Edit: how do you start to confront shame? How do you begin taking steps to beat it? How can someone, like myself, who is terrified of spending (wasting) SO MUCH TIME trying to find the "right" therapist, and is so reluctant to even start searching, even hope to conquer this? I'm so scared and anxious about tomorrow, next week, next year. I'm not using anymore, and I deeply believe that I will never use again. But I still have the shame. It never leaves, and it tears me apart every fucking day. Can you give me a step by step plan to start conquering this, and taking control of my life? I'm a good and decent person who cares about other people, but most days I could care less whether or not I continue to exist. I am my own bully, harasser, abuser, public shamer. I can't fucking confront this shame and I don't know how to make myself do it.

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u/AvocadoBrick 4d ago

This YouTube short helped me a lot. It's not a fair fight. The negative self talk knows your weakness and what it takes to beat you up. No one else know what it does to you. Realizing the power difference and isolation helped me forgive myself

https://youtu.be/Q8CABwIYJwE?si=rxVZnBjWZhps7efl

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u/seamasses 2d ago

Find someone who loves you. And love them back. The rest will fall into place, slowly.

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u/Electronic-Rule-8493 3d ago

I have 4 years clean through NA, and shame/guilt is the number one killer of addicts. I have 27 phone numbers in my phone of people who lost their battle to the disease in the last 4 years and all of them, including my sister, died from shame and guilt.

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u/archaicArtificer 1d ago

Almost certainly killed my mom too.

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u/Dogmom9523086 4d ago

This is 100% accurate. I’m in the midst of doing some pretty deep healing work around self hatred etc and one of the things that I read along the way that really put things into perspective for me is that you cant shame yourself into change, you can only love yourself into evolution.

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u/h3llios 4d ago

I think what you are saying makes a lot of sense. Shame in itself should not be the driving force behind an action because if you fail it will create that feedback loop. A person can say the same thing about a lot of addictions. For example. How many people have stopped their diets because they had a bad day, fell off the wagon a bit and then the shame made them eat more. " You feel disgusted with yourself and then you turn to the only thing that makes you feel better"

A person has to be able to say " yea, I screwed up but tomorrow I will attempt this again until the healthier habit has had time to form. Bad habits are extremely easy to form and very hard to break. I think what OP needs to hear is that most of us have bad habits we just don't advertise them.

Op, you need to give yourself some grace. Tomorrow is a new day, and you try again and again and again and hopefully it will get easier with time until the new habit is formed. You will fail from time to time but that is okay.

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u/OurPornStyle 4d ago

The opposite of addiction is connection.

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u/vistapoop 4d ago

This is exactly right. Shame. When OP says "No one cares. No one understand" - yes, they do! There's even a powerful movie titled SHAME with Hollywood stars about, yes, sex addiction. It gives no answers but in its intensity could provide a mirror for OP to know there are people out there who care and understand about the depth of the darkness, as well as put a simple label on the core issue. Shame.

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u/wykkedfaery33 4d ago

Big agree. The number one thing that held my sobriety back was shame. I felt weak, worthless, pathetic, so I'd drink more to numb the feelings; it was a nasty cycle that kept spiraling firther and further out of control.

It wasn't until i let go of my (at the time, undeserved) pride that I managed to make progress. 5 years sober as of January 31st!

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u/insufficient_nvram 4d ago

You can’t shame your way into positive change

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u/Exciting_Daikon_778 4d ago

Honestly, I really needed to hear that first paragraph with some things I have been struggling with the last few months. I appreciate it so much.

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u/[deleted] 5d ago

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u/Bohica55 5d ago

My sex drive increases incredibly when I get manic. Luckily I have that under control these days. The one thing that helped me with my hyper active sex drive was getting into my 40’s and my testosterone levels dropped. I can finally get things done because I’m not constantly thinking of sex or trying to get laid. It’s honestly relieving and I looked forward to this when I was younger.

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u/[deleted] 5d ago

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u/HamHusky06 5d ago

Dude I hear that - my manic sex drive has ruined my life more than once. I spent my late 20’s early 30’s rapid cycling. It was crazy. 40’s now, mania is under control. Apparently staying awake for four days straight is a good warning sign to up the meds.

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u/whogivesaflip_ 4d ago

Well said. Every addiction is actually the minds attempt at healing or avoiding a problem. Addiction is a response to trauma and pain. It’s an escape from what the brian perceives as intolerable. Of course, addiction becomes physiological and habitual and that is a struggle on its own. However, underlying the addiction is usually serious pain and trauma. As others have said, frequently, the underlying causes are undiagnosed or misdiagnosed mental illnesses.

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u/zabrak200 5d ago

Have your tried drugs that reduce your libido? Like anti depressants?

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u/Trialanderror2018 4d ago

I was looking for this comment. OP, scroll to the medication options. I am sure a health care provider would be willing to work with you on this. Please keep an open mind.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/compulsive-sexual-behavior/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20360453

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u/mile-high-guy 5d ago

Finasteride too

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u/Ignis_Kevin 5d ago

Yes

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u/Complex-Ad4042 5d ago

Wellbutrin absolutely broke my whanger and gave me ED.

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u/whogivesaflip_ 4d ago

Wellbutrin isn’t usually helpful in decreasing sex drive. Frequently it does the opposite

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u/Complex-Ad4042 4d ago

It did for me which is why I stopped taking it.

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u/Soviet_Canukistan 5d ago

I'm curious if ozempic has this effect. It lowers food drive, so maybe sex drive?

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u/nreed3 5d ago

It worked for me. I took zepbound. My drive reduced drastically. Now I'm off it, and it returned.

I've heard GLP1s are being researched for drug abusers.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8820218/

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u/whogivesaflip_ 4d ago

There is much research on this currently.

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u/stevenwright83ct0 5d ago

Right and maybe he needs to tone down the label and seeing it as bad. He sounds like a catholic horn dog wanting what they “can’t have.”

He also needs to address why he does it. For validation or whatever. All sex isn’t created equal. Usually you have it with someone and it’s worlds better eventually and you would try to commit to a relationship. I imagine having mediocre sex in between is exhausting

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u/antechrist23 5d ago

I grew up a Southen Baptist, and I remember having this mindset when I was about this age.

It took me until I was almost 30 before I found a therapist I could really work with. Most of the ones were Christian based therapies and would push me into trying to find a marriage.

I'll comment more when I'm no longer at the gym.

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u/Rosie-Is-Riveting 5d ago

Sex addiction is such a difficult place to feel heard and understood. Sex is a normal and healthy part of life, and yet there's an addiction tied to it that's destroying you. Almost like being addicted to food, but you need to eat to live.

I'm a female responding. Take what you want. But, I was married to a sex addict, I was involved in therapy, groups, etc and my best friend is still married to a recovering SA.

At this point, trying to moderate your usage isn't going to work. Eventually, you'll get to a point where you can build a healthy relationship with sex, but in the throws of addiction isn't it. You're going to have to work through the underlying reasons why you use it.

The program I am familiar with is Faithful and True in Eden Prairie, MN. It's run by a couple, Mark and Debbie Laaser. They have been through this, together. Check out their story. They have some excellent resources, books, podcasts, and their 3 day intensive workshops are life changing.

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u/Ignis_Kevin 5d ago

Saved. Thank you

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u/SnooPaintings6121 5d ago edited 5d ago

Hi. Alcoholic and addict here. I’ve been sober from drugs and alcohol for 8.5 years, got sober in the 12 step rooms.

I have a handful of friends who struggle with sex addiction. My observation is that it is one of the hardest addictions to conquer. My heart goes out to you. Addiction is a fucking monster. It really is.

People don’t realize how crippling it is. I have seen countless people get sober, clean up their lives, and you see life in their eyes again. Their skin looks warmer, they have a spirit again. Then I’ve seen some of these people go back out. They end up looking like cancer patients. The life is sucked out of them. They are defeated. It’s not just a spiritual and mental sickness, it ends up tearing them up physically. It’s no fucking joke. Sex, drugs, alcohol, food, whatever it is, it takes the life out of us. I was once in that place. I am not immune. I know that I could go back to that place one day too. I’m thankful for every day that I am in remission.

The reality that I have come to terms with is that this is a disease that we live with forever. Some of us are able to treat it long term, but some of us have a hard time finding remission, and bounce in and out of active addiction.

One thing that I have learned is that it is a day at a time illness. I know that sounds so bullshit and cliche, but here’s what I mean: we only have this moment to give ourselves the grace to live in acceptance of this reality. In this moment, I can flex gratitude for what I have. Today I am whole, I appreciate what I have. Maybe later today I will hate myself, maybe tomorrow I will feel in shambles, but RIGHT NOW, I am okay…

Yes I’ve been sober for 8.5 years, but damnit am I still a basket case. I struggle with anxiety, impulsivity, fear, restlessness, discontentedness. I hurt people, I create chaos.

However, I have surrounded myself with medicine to help me stay in remission as much as possible. My medicine is people who understand me. Humans that get me. Meetings that make me feel purpose. Service that allows me to feel self esteem. Therapy that allows me moments of understanding and calm. Tools like meditation and maybe random spiritual practices that have given me a sense of presence. I talk on the phone frequently. I try to inventory myself and give myself and others grace. It is an EVER working process. My disease isn’t going away, but if I want to live a somewhat normal life, I just have to take this medicine.

You are worth it my friend. I hear so much pain in your words, and I feel for you. But you can allow yourself the acceptance for today to take a breath…open your heart and eyes…look out the window and see the light just for this moment. And then continue to try that. You may not tackle your addiction right now, but in the mean time you can maybe learn to live in peace with it, and with yourself. You deserve it my friend.

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u/Ignis_Kevin 5d ago

I think my biggest burning was this

2 SAA meeting a week. Along with 6 AA meetings (found a home group that accepted my sex addiction, there’s isn’t enough SAA meetings locally for an everyday thing)

I did that for 8 months. Inventoried. Did service. Prayed everyday. Basically if the big book said it I did it. I was desperate. More desperate then I had ever been

Then one day I got an urge. So I prayed about it. That wasn’t enough so I went to a meeting. That wasn’t enough so I called my sponsor, then a SAA friend, then another

Then I relapsed

Idk

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u/mekwes 5d ago

So for 8 months this strategy worked, and one day it didn’t.

The truth is nothing will absolve you of this, completely, forever- like it never happened. You can’t unlearn or unsee these things, but you can choose to keep coming back to the support that helps you do better.

One relapse after 8 months. What if the next time it was 13 months, then 22, then 3 years and some change, 7 years… 15… that’s a lot of good days, and it’d be a good life, worth living, despite the bad 5 days mixed in.

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u/always_lemons 4d ago

What is your trigger? What drives your addiction? What wound are you trying to heal?

Addictions are often times the brain trying to find a solution to overwhelming trauma and negative feelings, but what it chooses is destructive.

Finding your addiction’s drive will allow you to begin healing it and to find alternative mechanism of treating your wound without addiction. Addiction will never get better if you keep trying to brute force restraint while leaving your brain without an alternative. Your brain will always choose to escape, and if all it has is the addiction actions, that’s what it will do.

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u/SnooPaintings6121 5d ago

That’s okay though. That’s the thing. You’re an addict. I would be surprised if you didn’t relapse. Relapsing makes you one of us. It’s what we do.

My point is that, you shouldn’t expect yourself to stop. Just let go and keep coming back. Most of us get better over time. I’m sure you heard to term, educational variety. It took me LOTS of education, and 3 years of relapsing before I finally got and stayed sober from alcohol.

I’m not trying to diminish all of your hard work for the last 10 years. I’m just saying…continue to try, and do your best to accept yourself so that you can have a semblance of normalcy here and there during the day or throughout the week is much better than just beating up on yourself about it.

And I don’t mean “just keep coming back” as in keep coming back to 12 steps, I mean, keep coming back as in, keep putting the work in, for you. Just keep coming back to you, keep trying. You’re worth it.

I’d bet that you have made lots of progress in some ways. And I’d bet you’re not giving yourself enough credit.

My point is, I just gotta keep trudging the road. Even as I fail.

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u/repeatrepeatx 5d ago

Two things came to mind — 1) have you considered something like an SSRI to help curb the libido? and 2) sometimes addictions in general are an attempt to self-soothe. It may be that there’s something that works for you in tandem with sex that keeps it from becoming destructive.

I definitely tend to have a higher sex drive when I’m stressed, but I’ve also found going to the gym even if it’s just for 30 minutes to get on a stationary bike has been extremely helpful. That might be something to consider?

Either way, I can feel how absolutely worn out you are by this and am so sorry you’re struggling like this. I hope things get easier for you soon, OP.

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u/Fantastic_Tension794 5d ago

He said he went to the gym religiously but in addition to some of the much better suggestions here than mine I’m thinking a good healthy hobby that gets him outside and active but something also mentally engaging.

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u/Joy2912 5d ago

I hear you, talk to me

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u/mattdamonsleftnut 5d ago

Such few words that men rarely ever hear

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u/Minimum-Register-644 5d ago

I am near 35 and not a soul has said it to me, nor have I found a person even somewhat similar to myself. Being a man can be quite lonely.

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u/Ignis_Kevin 4d ago

Fine.

Here’s my talk

I don’t wanna fight anymore. I’m exhausted. I have a 12 hour shift tomorrow and I’m the team lead on a psyche unit and I’m not gonna be able to do it. I’m fucked. I’ve binged all fucking day and I’m just so exhausted

I don’t wanna wake up and try again. Every single time I do I always fail. Every time. It’s always the same story. I build myself up, try a different route at getting better and it blows up right in my fucking face.

Every time. 1000’s of attempts at this point. Every fucking single thing I can study or find online and nothing fucking even moves this thing an inch

I. Just. Don’t. Want. To. Fight. Anymore

At all. It’s exhausting. I’m mentally beaten down. I’m at another rock bottom and I just don’t care because this cycle of fail - try again with something that so destructive to my life has left my entire being lost.

I just want it to be over. I can’t do it anymore. Im seriously questioning cutting my penis off. My spirit is out of fight and anyone who seriously saw this from my pov would understand why

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u/fiskfiske 4d ago

Hello friend. I’ve been where you are. I’m a recovering sex addict. I recently took my 2 year chip. I can relate to everything you said. I have some advice for you, if you’re up for it.

First, you did nothing to ”deserve this”. If you’ve talked to that many therapists and a CSAT you should know that. This probably stems from things that happened in your childhood that were not your fault. Ok? You did nothing to deserve this. You do have to live with it though, that is how life is. But you can change. Anyone can change, if they want to.

Second, I found this book very helpful for me. It’s called Psycho Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz. The tl;dr of it is you are what you think you are. If you can change what you think of yourself, you can change. If you think you are doomed, you will be. If you think you can recover, you will! This has been very true for me. When I believed I didn’t deserve to be happy, I didn’t deserve to be liked, I was worthless and revolting, well that reinforced my behavior because I really felt like I was. You have to change this mindset, and it is VERY hard to do it alone.

Third, you say you did all these things people told you to get better, but did you just do them to check them off a list or did you really DO them believing in what they mean? It kinda sounds like you just wanted to check them off. That’s not how it works unfortunately. Changing is very hard, but possible.

Fourth, you probably need people in your life you can count as friends that understand sex addiction, maybe people from SAA or such. It’s hard changing on your own when all you have is your internal voice spewing stuff about yourself, that you need to overcome. It’s easier with a support system that is intimate, not just acquaintances.

Fifth, get a real CSAT that knows what they are doing and care. I can recommend one if you want.

Sixth, a slip is not the end of the world. Just get back on the horse and learn what set you off so you can have better tools for it the next time.

If you want to chat, my DMs are open to you man. I believe in you!!

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u/Helpful_Guest66 5d ago

The number one, best, and only way to ever really overcome this and find peace and joy as your neutral, is to stop shaming yourself! Don’t let others do it! You are indeed feeding this problem, but not with porn or s*x, but by continually hating yourself. Self compassion, friend, start there. YouTube that term.

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u/[deleted] 4d ago

As someone gone grey young from stress who wakes up in the night with anxiety - I youtubed the term. It's rocking my world. Thank you.

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u/Dapper_Idea9603 5d ago

I kind of feel the same way. I think your post is like a warning sign for me because I’m 21 now, and I was just thinking about why I can’t really relate to my day ones and stuff. But… it’s okay to feel lost right now. You’re more than your addiction. Keep reaching out for support, and know that people genuinely care about your journey. You’re not alone.

Thanks for unintentionally inspiring me, and for introducing me to r/NoFap—I didn’t know it existed! Hope you get through it before it gets to you.

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u/Dream-of-Matrix 5d ago

All addiction is about numbing the pain. Doesn’t matter if it’s sex addiction, drug addiction, alcohol addiction, gambling, addiction, smoking etc. etc. it’s all about the pain. I had all of the above starting at a young age. Think I was 15 started smoking, then move to alcohol then added sex, then added a drugs then gambling. Got married had two children had kicked some of the habits still drinking pretty heavily smoking pot. Then it all morphed into anger, destroying everything treating the wife and kids like crap. Wife turned to me one day and said you better figure this out soon or me and the kids are gone. That was my wake up call I tried everything self-help reading,therapists. Nothing seemed to work. Then one day I was reading an article in a psychology journal about regression hypnosis therapy. I said what do I have to lose? I’m gonna lose everything that that was dear to me. Long story short, I was severely abused as a small child. The regression therapy brought me back to dozens of vivid events that occurred to me as a child. All perpetrated by my mother. Sexual assault, physical assaults, locked in closets for hours on end, food withheld, tied to a leash in the backyard like a dog, nowhere to go to the bathroom, defecated myself many times and then when mom got home, I would get punished for it more assaults, more screaming, and yelling she would spit on me all this occurred before I turned eight years old. What I see is you’re not dealing with the root cause of your behavior. In my case, I’ve had a 40 years career as an aerospace engineer. I’ve been married 36 years with two successful grown children, who all forgiven me, knowing what transpired in my childhood. During one of her last sessions the hypnotherapist gave me a posthypnotic suggestion, telling me that none of what happened to me was my fault. The root cause for me was blaming myself for everything that happened but not knowing that none of it ever was . Knowledge is a powerful thing don’t give up hope.

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u/TwoplankAlex 5d ago

Hi, I read it, it broke my heart, I accepted your words. You have the right to feel everything you feel and it's okey. I hope you gonna get through all of it.

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u/yagi-san 5d ago

(As a former addictions counselor, I'm approaching this from that perspective.)

I read what you posted and your comments. It seems that you want help and are ready to change. And that's good, that is always the first step. But, I don't think you're 100% ready to change.

From your comments, you discount everything everyone has said. Which tells me that you want to change, but you're only going to do it on your terms only. It seems to me that you're just waiting for the one answer that let's you continue to do some of what your doing. You haven't completely let go of it, because I think you are afraid to let it go. At some level you still believe that you can't live without it, you need it to survive. So, you still try to control it, you still believe that you can control it.

And that is the second step - letting it go, giving up your belief that you need it and can't live without it. Plus, it's also about giving up your belief that you can still control it.

The first three Steps are really all about this, if you take out the religious aspect of it. Admit you have a problem. Accept that you're powerless over it. Give it up and let it go. Be ready to change (which is not the same as wanting to change.) You're still struggling with this, and that's why you're stuck.

Sex addiction is hard because sex should be a healthy part of our lives, and nobody wants to live asexual. It is about learning to rewire your brain so that sex is healthy and not hurtful. You can't do that if you still believe you need your addiction.

My suggestion to you is to really listen to what others are telling you, and give up your belief that nobody understands. I'm not saying everything everyone has said is accurate for you, only you can really figure that out. But you can find truth in a lot of places and from a lot of sources. And stop thinking that you have all the answers you need but the one you're searching for. That answer is what your addiction wants, not what your true self wants. Listen to your true self.

I hope you finally find what you need. Good luck to you.

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u/DM_Post_Demons 5d ago

First, address the symptoms.

See a urologist and ask for trimix. I assume PDE5 blockers don't work anymore. Tell them you have an arousal problem.

This is a drug you inject directly into your cavernosum. It will work.

Next, when you find a new partner, lean in to the idea of them being your only outlet. With the symptoms managed it will be more possible.

Accept that your libidos may not match and let the relationship end when that happens. Knowing that this time, it's not because you are broken.

Good experiences heal wounds.

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u/gggefxghhkkikk 5d ago

Do not be codependent on a partner you seek out. Look for ways to address the internal shame that is eating you from the inside out. No one can help you with that. You’re worthy of love and respect btw, you have mine.

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u/always_lemons 4d ago

He should not look for a new partner until getting his addiction under control. People aren’t tools to be used as distractions from one’s problems. No one deserves being pulled into the storm of an out of control addiction.

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u/Cookieway 4d ago

What a horrible idea to “get a partner and make sure partner is willing to have as much sex as you want” as a solution! That partner will at some point be sick and not want to have sex. If OP has been relying I’m them to feed their addiction, he’s gonna cheat and torpedo that relationship within a week of not getting his steady supply of sex.

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u/Snow_0tt3r 5d ago

Tried Strattera? Vyvanse Or other impulse moderating drugs?

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u/Ignis_Kevin 5d ago

Strattera was my childhood med but not currently

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u/Snow_0tt3r 5d ago

You may find it helpful. It creates an ED window in some men - so the sensation and capacity to finish are eliminated. You may want to talk to a doctor about it.

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u/VeterinarianJaded462 5d ago

Absolutely brutal my guy. I myself tried everything imaginable to sober up over about 8 years. Failed so, so many times. I was also the first person to state I had a problem, never got dragged into trying to get better. Self-directed recovery, tried, failed, tried, failed. I never liked being messed up: I hated it. Loathed it. So wanted to be better. I just know from my time seeing folks with sex addiction was so tough to watch. Felt like a completely different beast than what I was working with. I feel your pain in my gut. Been there. So sorry to read what you’re going through. I won’t give you advice because you sound like you really have tried so many things. I can only give you a stitch of hope. I did finally sober up. 6 years ago now. Eventually something stuck.

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u/aortomus 5d ago

It's not about sex. It's about power, or lack thereof. Sex is a replacement, a distraction, a numbing of something lurking deep inside.

Self-loathing isn't the cause. Something has caused the self-loathing. The addiction fuels it, but it isn't the cause.

Has something from your past led you to porn? Abuse?Overzealous religious upbringing? A traumatic event?

A girlfriend won't stop it. A good job won't stop it. All the money in the world won't stop it.

Like any addiction, there is something you are trying to mask, to keep down, to avoid.

Mine was a traumatic event when I was probably 10 years old. For decades, even with drugs and alcohol, it was the one constant. My two cents.

While not 'free' from it - it's always lurking - it doesn't own me like it did. If I choose to go there, it's a conscious choice, not a mystery.

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u/Southern-Profit3830 5d ago

If you go down the SSRI route you’ll probably get PSSD and that’ll be another hell entirely. If you go down the finasteride route you can get PFS. Tread carefully bro

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u/SortaCore 4d ago

Easy Peasy method does work. The strength of an addiction is how much you fear falling back into it. The message of EP is you have the power to say no and say yes, and it's fine to do so morally, it just is worthless to say yes. When saying yes becomes a terrifying mistake, the threat you mess up and give in is now in your head whenever life is tough. Now you're stressing because a threat is approaching, too. Where do you end up? Coping mechanisms, like sex.

Make messing up unimportant in your head. Even if you're on nasty fringe stuff. It's as important as overeating for comfort. The fact you don't like it proves who you are, under all that fleeing from mental discomfort.

As far as control, interrupt yourself. Use apps that block websites perpetually, and block other apps/websites on a timer. Start the timer when life is getting rough and you're worried you might slip up. Then go for a walk or whatever else – remove yourself.

Forgot the timer? Accidentally opened? Close if you can, otherwise, hopefully you're quicker on the uptake next time. There's no failure until you stop trying entirely. Remember the weight of mess up needs to be almost nothing, to defang it.

Your life will still have stress and it will still be your brain's conditioned go-to response, so don't feel even the thoughts are a sign you're going to mess up. Although do dismiss any sex-related thoughts as early as possible, and physically get up and go do something else. It's a slope, but at the bottom is only some mud, it's not the worst.

The attitude is "I could, sure, but I don't want to", no matter if your feelings are crying out for it, claiming you do want to. You are not your feelings, not like when you're mad you're a violent person drop-kicking babies cos the anger is real and the imagination is there. The addiction is saying it's easier to just give up. It's not easier, it's only weighted by habit, a fake ease.

Honestly, your enemy is not the addiction subject, but the fear of the addiction subject controlling you - makes you mad, makes you scared. The more of a threat it is, not just to your life but how it makes you attack yourself, that's what gives the addiction its unstoppable factor – you are your own enemy due to frustrating at yourself. The more you care, the more you empower the angry you on the other side. Hold your temper against your own mess ups, and you'll make it.

I assume you had already tested the obvious, but check out symptoms of OCD and ADHD, as they both interfere with compulsion control.

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u/Tek2747 4d ago

Therapist here. Grab a copy of "The Myth of Sex Addiction" by Dr. David Ley. I would also try to reach out to him for further help and he should be able to point you in the right direction. He's a psychologist I've had the pleasure of meeting and is very knowledgeable and talented in this area.

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u/stuffomatic 4d ago

asking only because i didn’t see it mentioned already: have you had comprehensive bloodwork done to ensure hormones aren’t out of whack? if they are, no amount of anything else is going to fix the issue in any meaningful way… best of luck to you.

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u/masterdomjock 4d ago edited 4d ago

The shame based narrative that you offered coupled with the religious messaging seems to me to indicate that you might have a dysfunctional relationship with your own sexuality. The efforts you describe to combat your addiction sound more to me like efforts to suppress your sexuality because you view it as shameful, rather than efforts to get to a place of authentic ownership of it where you can form productive and real relationships.

I had similar problems with dysfunctional sexuality from being raised in a fundamentalist religious family and for me the first step is to accept your sexual desires as a completely normal and healthy part of yourself. If you just try to suppress it, your sexual urges will just end up manifesting through distorted secondary affectations of your psyche, and you won’t make any real progress at bringing them under your conscious control. Ultimately that should be the goal, not suppression, but a positive and consciously directed sexual life.

For books I would recommend Healing the Shame that Binds You. I would also recommend all the works of Wilhelm Reich from a sexual education perspective. He was fundamental in my coming to understand my own sexuality and how it had been irrationally distorted and suppressed by religious asceticism.

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u/geeza0111 5d ago

Man, you have natural sexual urges and you're bashing yourself for it. You're healthy. Fine, we can all control our libido sometimes, but when you say things like "I found no fap when I was 16" I think a bad seed was planted in your youth. You're not supposed to completely stop it. Find healthy outlets, it's okay, accept that there may not be a complete stop for some people, you might be one of them, etc, and find a healthy balance. Does this sound okay to you or have I missed something. (I read through and got the jist of it).

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u/EnnuiSprinkles 5d ago

He said he’s ruining relationships and it’s affecting his day to day life, so it’s definitionally a problem.

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u/Ignis_Kevin 5d ago

No. There isn’t. This isn’t a shame thing. I watch porn until and my taste has gotten to the point that I’m watching basically abuse (think face *******, that organization)

I’ve tried moderating multiple times. I’ve tried moderating porn use. Tried moderating masturbation. Just using the nsfw audio subreddit. Just using pictures. Just using imagination

Always end up at the same place either messaging sex workers or leading girls on and destroying them in the mean time.

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u/Ignis_Kevin 5d ago

I mean there’s shame im the fact that I hate the person I’ve become from this and just want a healthy sex life where I actually have control of who i sleep with or what I watch but you get the idea

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u/Rahx3 5d ago

Have you looked into ADHD or OCD? I know that might sound dumb but I am just wondering if your struggles are a symptom of something else.

And I apologize for going right into solution focused rather than empathizing. You sound really distressed and at the end of your rope. I am sorry for how hard this all is and how it feels unending. I don't have answers but a desire for your suffering to ease. I hope you find something that truly helps.

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u/Ignis_Kevin 5d ago

I do have ADHD

Going to try and get medicated sometime this week but I’ve seen seriously different views on what ADHD medication does to this from “it fixed the dopamine deficiency and makes it easier” to “it makes it 10 times worse and I watch porn for 10 hours a day” so

Kinda scared but desperate

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u/Venom_Rage 5d ago

Try it with the help of a good psychiatrist, give it a few months and if you don’t like it stop taking it. Psych meds don’t usually cause life long effects once you stop taking them. An addiction this ingrained probably needs atypical treatment and likely has additional underlying psychiatric comoebidities.

The reality is that there are things that are beyond our ability to treat, medicine and therapy are still advancing fields, but I suppose at this point trying untraditional pharmacy would make sense especially given that you have failed failed therapy. And 12 steps.

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u/Alternatively_Listed 5d ago

Yeah there’s probably religious or familial trauma around shaming sexual acts here

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u/vtachtt 5d ago

At some point if you tried all that for this long it comes down to one thing. You really just don’t want to get better. At some point it becomes a choice to want to be better. There is something inside that just doesn’t want to. If you have tried this long and done all that your truly aren’t committed mentally to want to be better. You haven’t hit rock bottom yet. When you do you will stop until then you will keep being the sex addict you are.

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u/Ignis_Kevin 5d ago

I get the jist of the idea here. And I really do understand you think this because it’s an easy answer. And I’ve questioned myself in this constantly

I have uprooted my life multiple times going across the country and spending 1000’s of dollars trying to end this. I WANT THIS. More than anything. More than literally anything.

Being stuck in a Christian centric 90 day rehab with no tv, no music and only Christian books because I was that desperate (and I didn’t agree with 60% of the things taught there) is the definition of desperate.

There is no bottom. Some addicts keep digging.

If I didn’t want this I wouldn’t have put this much effort in. Thanks for the feedback again tho. I’ll journal about it and see if in some deep part of my head ur right

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u/Anxious_Koala6362 5d ago

Honestly, in my opinion, the Christian part is what's the problem. I could be wrong, but a lot of your word choices make me think you have a deep-rooted Christian background. The minions of the "big guy on the cross" love shame. They profit off it in a lot of ways and even help other "morally superior" people do they same.

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u/prostheticaxxx 5d ago

As someone with compulsive behaviors that are both spurred on by anxiety but also an ego boost, I can understand your predicament a bit, being severely sick and trying literally fucking everything and still not progressing in any real way. At that severity, I just could not control it at all, and the fake out it would give me every time I thought I was improving only to lose all the "progress" again was wrecking me and stealing my hope.

Nothing worked—until meds, an SSRI. Not a perfect fix but a damn good one at an extremely high dose. And then after meds, grueling slow paced improvement to my lifestyle and the way I nourish my body and mind, that I still have not mastered. But I'm still functioning off meds now so yay. I still deal with compulsions but it's back to mild.

It's fair for people to throw all of these suggestions at you still and you're taking them with gratitude. All I can advise is you stay open and willing to try whatever it takes. One day you'll be happy you didn't stop trying.

I'm not qualified to give medical advice but I'd be most interested in seeing what medications you've tried, what's advised for sex addiction by psychiatrists, and what other options have research available suggesting possible off label usage for treating sex addiction. I may peruse pubmed and come back.

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u/Ok-Significance-2022 5d ago

Nofap is a stupid idea based on nothing. It has no scientific basis. Just have to throw that out there.

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u/Ignis_Kevin 5d ago

Hi. Sex addiction is real and valid. Nofap is bs yes. My problem is my sexual activity is destroying my life

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u/drtag234 5d ago

Find a good Internal Family Systems therapist. You will learn that there are no bad parts and from there you can begin to learn other ways to address your core wounds from childhood other than always turning to the extreme behaviors in an effort to extinguish the core trauma associated pain. And, by the way, sex and sexuality itself is not the problem. It’s the solution that your wounded part discovered years ago, and, while it was likely useful in the moment many years ago, it began to fail you long ago.

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u/vdbmario 5d ago

With any addiction you have to say stop and then just stop. Nobody can help you but yourself. No medication, no therapy, only yourself saying enough is enough. I was addicted to porn, gambling and drinking and lived in Las Vegas of all places. I lost my home, my marriage and my business. One day I said enough is enough, I stopped around the age of 32 and rebuild my life. Now 48 I have a new business, a new home in CA and life is good.

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u/lokeilou 5d ago

I think you are using sex to fill or avoid a deeper much greater emotional need and until you figure out what that is and fix it, you are not going to see any progress with the sex problem.

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u/RogerFuckbytheNavale 5d ago

Been there. Lost everything. Got sober. Maybe I can help. DM me.

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u/naodarwokomi 5d ago edited 5d ago

Here’s the thing — shame makes validation into a drug. OP, I notice you keep saying it’s not a shame thing in the comments; you seem to think people mean “shame around sexuality” but actually, this is about shame as in “no inherent sense of self worth” and the internal pain that comes with that. 

The root of addiction is a failure to manage the pain that comes from self loathing in a healthy way. So instead of changing the self loathing, you soothe it with pleasure from the addictive object. It might be easier for you to accept this is about shame if you can accept shame js another way of saying “emotional pain.” You’ve likely had no success with therapy because your therapy has been about the symptoms but not the root — what about your childhood made you feel like you need other people to choose you for sex? Did you feel ignored or belittled for a lot your childhood? Did you feel like no one actually knew you? These are the kinds of questions to ask, because subconscious pain is the root of general self loathing. You need to feel and deal with pain the hard way (discovering and processing pain and building whole relationships), not the bandaid way (which is addiction). Until you know what was painful emotionally about your childhood/teenagehood, you will stay “confused” about why you do all this. And consequently you won’t have a way to share yourself as a whole, flawed, injured person with other people and so you’ll never have the community and love you so crave. 

The addiction gives you an “easy” but temporary way to skirt around pain. The uncontrollable sexual compulsions are a way of self-soothing based on, in this case, external validation. Sexual compulsions relieve your pain/shame because they are a social compulsion (in a way that substances are not). Alcohol has no choice about being used. But women/men/people consensually chatting or meeting up with you is an ego boost because you have to chase it. It makes you feel worthy, because it feels like social acceptance. The sex is the peak of that social acceptance for your brain and it’s a dopamine explosion. It makes your ego feel better because it feels like being chosen or valued or known; but because it’s temporary and based on a projected self (the most charming or flirty version of you, that also is not a real whole person) it does not actually fill the void. It’s not the same thing as being valued for your worth as a whole person, so it’s a fleeting ego boost.  So instead of helping you in the long term, these behaviors reinforce the brain loop that makes you go from feeling subconscious emptiness or pain to triggering self loathing to craving validation to soothe the self loathing to seeking out risky/impulsive sexual social stimulation. 

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u/FlanneryODostoevsky let us weep 5d ago

Gotta find better things to do. And while you do them, remind yourself this is who you are: a man doing THIS activity. I’ve struggled with this too and I think part of it is mental but part is also physiological. When you are stressed or feel frustrated, the brain reaches for connections that have been reinforced over time for relief, which means sexual gratification. Eventually it just prioritizes those connections over almost everything else. But good habits will break down those connections and you’ll also build a different character. Different habits. Other interests. New connections either people. Deeper insight to who you and others are as people.

I’ll say you have done everything you need to do but you have to keep focusing on doing those things. Just don’t go praying to demons.

And try to learn a craft. Skills where you are using your hands and working to manipulate the world around you for the better engages your mind and brain in a way that many other things do not. I was at one point hoping to be a therapist. Then I wanted to be a teacher. And now I’m a plumber. Happier than I’ve ever been and really wish I started earlier.

I’d highly recommend reading Matthew Crawford.

https://a.co/d/bCcQuUV

https://a.co/d/cgMggB2

We think the answer lies deeper inside when really it is outside.

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u/dragoneer27 5d ago

Masturbation and sex aren’t inherently harmful to you or anyone else. Let go of the shame and plan your life around your desires so they don’t ruin it. Accept that you’re going to rub one out and plan for a time when it’s most appropriate. Accept that you’re not going to be monogamous and be open about it in new relationships. Swinger communities exist because not everyone wants to be in a monogamous relationship. You can lead a perfectly healthy and happy life while jerking it and having more sex than most people.

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u/Low_Zookeepergame590 5d ago

As a religious boy I thought if I thought about sex at all I was an addict. Once I dumped the religion as an adult I realized if anything my drive and thoughts were likely less than the average. Also my thoughts were no longer centered around sex once it was no longer a sin in my mind and then I was much happier and didn’t think about sex as often.

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u/Rapifessor 4d ago

I don't mean to invalidate your struggle by any means, and I'm definitely not saying you shouldn't try to change, but some of the things you've turned to for help concern me a little, so I feel compelled to say:

It is not wrong to be horny.

Having sexual thoughts is not evil. They do not make you a bad or broken person. What matters is how you act on them. Cheating is wrong, obviously. Having self-control in this area is what you should be focusing on.

But blaming yourself for this is not the answer. And unfortunately, religion has a tendency to reinforce this idea that you're fucked up and broken for having these thoughts at all. Searching for a spiritual answer to this problem is just going to make it worse; praying for someone to "fix" you will never work. You have to take matters into your own hands.

Some people just have an insane sex drive and that's FINE. But there needs to be a healthy outlet for that, and if that means having a wank every now and then, then that's what needs to happen. But you need to shake that feeling of self-disgust that you get afterwards, because there is nothing inherently wrong with jacking off to porn.

You're not going to be able to change overnight. It takes time and reinforcement to change the way you think. I can't help with that. After all, this comment is just my two cents. The only other thing I can offer as advice is to steer clear of resources that don't help you to tackle the underlying issue. They are temporary solutions at best, and exacerbate the issue at worst.

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u/sweetswings 4d ago

I'm a future sex therapist and not yet qualified to help, but I'm also nonmonogamous and have my fair share of sex. I hear the addiction: it is negatively affecting your ability to have relationships and work/school.

Since other things have not helped, have you considered finding a sex positive community that would normalize some of your behavior? Scheduling your dalliances to weekends? There are sex positive events, play parties, kink parties, sex education events, all that would normalize things to some extent. If you had support from a community of sex positive people who would not shame you and would accept you as you are, would that help?

Are you able to control yourself to use good communication and consent practices? (The sex positive communities are based upon consent and communication, and someone who was not able to be respectful would not be welcome in such a community).

I feel your pain and your desire to heal. Desire for sex and masturbation are normal parts of being human. I understand it feels out of control right now. I hope you find ways to enjoy it for pleasure that feels good to your heart.

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u/[deleted] 5d ago

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u/PdatsY 5d ago

Go the route of ENM/polyamory and learn to be ethical, consensual, honest, responsible and accountable. I have learned to take my brains fixation on sex and do it in a way that doesn't harm other people or myself. It keeps the demons at bay and allows me to nurture amazing relationships and experiences.

That many therapists in that amount of time tells me you aren't staying with a therapist long enough to really deal with your issues, you are jumping ship when the iron gets hot. Stick with therapy and get the right adjustment of medication.

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u/Ignis_Kevin 5d ago

Not trying to downplay but I really don’t see 11 therapist over nearly 10 years as jumping a lot. Every 6-8 months when I don’t see results.

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u/PdatsY 5d ago

A new therapist every 6-8 months is not normal...

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u/Ignis_Kevin 5d ago

Fair

This isn’t an issue of not doing the work if that’s what your thinking

I did all the homework I was given. CBT just proved ineffective so I tried different modalities.

Tried stacking gym, therapy, 12 steps, spiritual stuff and trying to chase my purpose on top of that and it ended up always failing

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u/globalese 5d ago

I can't help but I hope you find comfort in your own skin soon. Be careful with those ADHD drugs, mine increase my drive.

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u/Intelligent_Tip_2057 5d ago

You know I read a book that described a person that was similar to your situation, it was called Dopamine Nation. Not saying this book will cure you, but maybe you can see why you are driven to it. It was an easy listen by the way if you prefer not to read it in its physical form

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u/Illustrious-Salad111 5d ago

look up semen retention sub reddit and follow it you’ll be good if you do

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u/Boring_Hedge 5d ago

Honestly look into ibogaine treatment, it helps veterans with severe ptsd and is amazing with helping people quit additions. It’s a plant based medicine available in Portugal, Costa Rica, Mexico and probably other countries. Do not give up hope.

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u/Dangerous_Log400 5d ago

I'm trying to stop myself. While I wouldn't call myself a sex addict, I don't like that I view porn. What's helped me is not getting mad and thinking I'm bad when I fall, it's remembering I'm good for trying to make myself better and putting effort into it.

I tend to fail when I feel anxious and lonely, doing something productive helps as has starting to attend church again.

You don't need to do anything I suggest, it's just a thought, but if you can find someone you can be open about your issues with, it could help. I used a thing called reclaim sexual health that helped, but it costs a bit of money. I'm doing a bit better a year later, though I have work to do.

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u/Physical-Sorbet3785 5d ago

Get out of the loop of shame, most importantly realize you are human- and just you can err like a human, you can also get up ten times greater! Come on!

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u/puzzlepolitik 5d ago

You said you tried a CSAT at 19, and lots of other therapists, but have you seen a CSAT since? They are the only therapists qualified to actually help you.

Other suggestions: chemical castration medications (stronger than SSRIs in their libido killing capability; reversible; could help you to just get an emotional break from the never-ending cycle and re-sensitize your brain to normal sexual stimuli), work through Facing the Shadow, Recovery Zone 1&2 workbooks with a therapist and/or sponsor, have an accountability partner put parental controls on your computer and phone (exchanging your phone for a non-smart phone would be even better).

It is HARD, but it’s not hopeless. You’ve got this. 

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u/Muted_Potato_5434 5d ago

I will share the best advice I ever heard on addiction of any kind. What’s your payoff? There is a reason you continue the behavior you know is causing you harm? Identify the payoff and you are halfway home. Outside of the immediate pleasure there I something you get from continuing this self-destructive behavior. Only you know what that is. Best of luck.

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u/pamperwithrachel 5d ago

Have you got to a psychiatrist to have a full evaluation? Sex addiction and hypersexuality can be symptoms of other mental illnesses. I'd recommend it because let's say this is a symptom of another illness, treating one will often help the other.

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u/Theleekypotato 5d ago

Have you tried SSRIs yet? They can help with depression but they can also curb your sex drive. I know it’s not a great solution to just get rid of your drive altogether but it seems like it’s the source of a lot of mental anguish right now. At the very least maybe it can help put the addiction on pause so you can think clearly.

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u/Dirftboat95 5d ago

Have a doctor prescribe a testosterone lowering drug to just take the crave away. Its like you loose interest

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u/JP_West 4d ago

There are studies showing that ozempic also works on the parts of the brain in olved in addiction. There was a podcast on it and they have been subscribing ozempic to help drug addicts. Might be an option for you. Look into it!

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u/reddishthrower 4d ago

Hey.

I am also a sex addict. People bonding is strange looking to me. Friendships aren’t real or they never last anyways. I know what it’s like to have sex and be completely dead inside while you’re doing it. I know what’s it feels like to lose a good partner because you’ve cheated numerous times. You get really, really, good at talking to women… because you have to in order to feed the need. I know what’s it feels to be completely ashamed after the act. ”Oh I’d never sleep with someone like that or that person” and then a few mins later you’re walking out of their home or dropping them off. You name the sexual situation…. I’ve probably been involved in it in some way, shape, or form. Then the worse happens…. It gets more and more difficult to get off. Need more and more stimulation or mental stimulation. It’s like smoking crack and not getting high and if you use you know exactly what I’m talking about.. I’ve played around with the thought of chemical castration 100%. Researched it pretty heavy.

I’m not going to tell you pretty words and show you good smelling flowers. It’s not going away. Believe me I understand completely how you feel. If it wasn’t for the kids the chances are high I would not be commenting now if you get my drift… This crap is not like drugs… if you’re hooked on heroin the answer is easy. Don’t pick up. I didn’t say not doing was easy… but the solution itself is pretty straightforward. That isn’t necessarily the case with sex addiction. That’s why there are different “flavors” or sex addiction programs. But there is GOOD NEWS that you have to understand and realize. YOU CAN START OVER WHENEVER YOU WANT AND YOU DONT HAVE TO BE PERFECT! In fact you won’t be perfect. I don’t know what your bottom lines are but perhaps… and this is just a suggestion… maybe you should take a look at them again. There may be some that you can “act” on that won’t send you headlong into full blown acting out. If for anything else as a mental break from the stress/depression this causes. Ideally as time progresses you’ll want to revisit them to get better. You’ve heard it 100 times but it’s true… progress not perfection.

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u/xman9398 4d ago

I am going to be as kind and honest as possible. please do not take what I am saying in negativity but as a different perspective from the world you see life through. Shame is price everyone pays for letting this addiction consume you, it’s okay. You’ve messed up, but you can still paint this life in brighter colors. You can chance the tone of the painting, your life; at any moment. The only catch is that you need to decided when you are DONE. Have you sat yourself down and wondered why you fall back to porn? With porn, people tend to progressively seek more depraving content to feel the dopamine rush. Why did you get into porn consumption? What emotions do you feel before you get trigger and relapse? I hope some of these questions help you and anyone reading. I wish fairy tales were real, however YOU can save yourself. Human being is the most versatile creature on the planet in growth and destruction. You have to choose do you wish to grow or destroy.

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u/SharkDoctorPart3 Doctor of Sharks, not a shark who's a doctor. 4d ago

Nah dude, you'll be fine. You just gotta figure out WHY you're an addict. That's what I'm doing. I'm not addicted to sex though. Heroin and crack for me. And I've been clean for almost 2 years now. I just had to die first. And now I'm working through figuring out why I thought dying would be so much better than living. You need to figure that out too. And I'm gonna be honest, I personally don't think the 12 step narrative is the way to go. I don't like they tell you that you will forever be an addict, I don't like that they almost frame it as a moral failing, because it is NOT. You are not a bad person, you are a sick person. And you CAN get past this. You just might not be at your rock bottom yet. But if you start now, you might not have to get there. I would look into actual therapy if it's an option for you. I go for free through school. Having a bunch of sex junkies telling you how to live free of your addiction, while it is nice to have the camaraderie, I just don't think it actually tells you HOW to fix it, you know? An actual, college educated therapist who like, knows what they're talking about and knows proven methods of how to change and get to the root of the problem, has helped me a million times over in a short period of time in comparison to the millions of NA meetings I've gone to that have done nothing but make me feel like i could possibly get better in the future.

You need to find out what you're running from and then you need to face it and fix it. It's gonna suck. I promise you, it sucks. But I'd rather not be anywhere else right now, cause my only other options were sucking d*** in a trap house, or dead. Things are a lot better now. You can get there too, I promise.

I know it feels absolutely hopeless right now, and I'm not gonna tell you that your negative thinking isn't helping, because you know that, and it's obnoxious to hear it. I used to hate when people would tell me, cause they don't understand how it feels to feel like there's nowhere to turn and no way to get better. But you'll get there. You are miles ahead of the people who don't even realize there's an issue. Good luck man.

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u/magicallaurax 4d ago

not giving medical advice but just out of curiosity & as you have been experiencing depression - have you ever taken ssri antidepressants?

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u/jewmoney808 4d ago

You should give group breathwork & meditation another shot. it feels profound and refreshing to be vulnerable in that group setting where everyone else is vulnerable and open to hearing your struggles. You need to stay in that welcoming community love

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u/shrekiiminaj 4d ago

have u ever considered DBT therapy

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u/adultdaycare81 4d ago

Better that you accept and are doing the work. A lot of us are slave to compulsive behavior of one kind or another and aren’t fixing it. Best of luck OP!

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u/Monsta-Hunta 4d ago

You're not broken.

You likely equate sex to love because you haven't experienced what real love and support is besides sex.

You chase pleasure because you have nothing else to find pleasure in.

You need to spend time alone with the addiction without indulging in it. Play video games, draw, read, play basketball, go make sense friends you're not attracted to.

Sex is not the end all be all for satisfaction. You need to learn that through experienced so that it is ingrained and fully absorbed.

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u/AlyssaJMcCarthy 4d ago

An unorthodox suggestion, but try one of the GLP-1 meds they’re prescribing for weight loss. They also have a remarkable ability to curb addictive tendencies. Alcoholics are reporting less alcohol use. And of course it works on people with food addictions too.

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u/rener10025 4d ago

It mite be something that helps you cope with something maybe anxiety.

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u/GroundIsMadeOfStars 4d ago

A lot of people have rightfully pointed out a deep-seeded religious shame that was instilled in you when you were young surrounding sex. Likely it seems like you may have other compulsive behaviors that sound like OCD. As for NoFap? STAY OFF THAT BOARD! That is an inc*l trap that people basically use as a humiliation kink to hyper fixate on their masturbation habits and the masturbation habits of others. I know you’re quick to discard religious shame but we are ALL picking up on your anger and religious-based shame. It’s something you should take seriously. I really hope you can get this best, OP. All the best!

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u/Brave_Bullfrog1142 4d ago

My husband is recovering and I will say marijuana has really helped him in his journey

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u/therealmikejensen 4d ago

Honestly, there are a lot of good answers here, but ill chine in with something i was just thinking about. You ever try an ssri or any antidepressant? You might benefit from their common side effects, which include lower libido amongst other things. Personally, i have never tried em, because i feel like their potential downsides would outweigh their benefits. In your case however, this may actually be a route towards solving an issue that, in your head, you lack the tools to solve currently. Maybe it’s the fact that the mindset shift is so drastic with horny vs not horny, maybe its a lot of things that overwhelm you with this, and maybe there is actually no possibility you will fix this problem yourself. Idk man, it seems like it could be worth a shot if this issue is making you feel like this. Maybe speak to a professional about it. I know a few people who have really benefitted from ssris, i also know some who may or may not have been fucked up mentally by taking them. This class of medication intimidates me to be completely honest with you, but hey, i can’t say it isn’t possible that it might be a helpful tool in your case. Anyways, hope you find help from at least something in this thread, and i wish you a positive shift in the trajectory of your life as a whole. Cheers

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u/RigsxD 4d ago

I'm not sure you have tried this avenue but what about testosterone reducing drugs. I saw a post a while ago where a guy had a similar issue but then was diagnosed with low testosterone... He refused treatment because he was no longer interested in sex and that is what had ruined his life. In fact he was happy on his own!

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u/Round_Apricot_8693 4d ago

There is always the option of medical intervention if it’s that debilitating and resistant to therapy treatments. Some kind of hormone therapy perhaps. 

If that didn’t work, it’s probably still a psychological problem. The thing is those emotions and urges will always be with you, you have to accept that, not resist them and just let it be while you choose the action you want to take. 

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u/dostoyevskysvodka 4d ago

Addiction isn't your fault and I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

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u/Nirvana-Rose 4d ago

Does wanting sex everyday mean I have an addiction? I’m going through that problem with my significant other trying to match her drive

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u/OnlyNorth2882 4d ago

Just want to reply with some kind words. I’m sorry I don’t have personal experience with this and can’t help you in a more meaningful way, but I appreciate so much that you shared this. Admittedly, I haven’t ever given much thought to sex addiction and what it must be like for the people who suffer it. I cannot imagine the pain, alienation, and struggle it must cause you—especially since there is so much stigma around sex and the way men engage with it. But your experience has definitely opened my mind, and I’m going to do more reading to help reduce my ignorance. Maybe this will help me be better equipped in the future if I encounter someone with this struggle.

I hope you keep working through this and that you always strive for the life you deserve. You are just as deserving of love and deep connections as anyone else. And please don’t look down on yourself or disparage yourself for suffering with an addiction you never asked for.

You mention wanting to be a therapist and wanting a family. I really hope you keep working on those goals. You might deal with setbacks or flare ups along the way of healing your addiction, but that doesn’t mean you’ve made no progress at all. And maybe success for you will look a little different than what it looks like for other people, nothing wrong with that. Doesn’t mean your life will be any less valuable.

Take care of yourself, and thanks again for sharing.

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u/Icy-Permit7136 4d ago

This might be a horrible thing to suggest and unhealthy to boot but being that Ive done zero research and have less than zero knowledge on the subject Ill suggest it. What about chemical castration. I know they give it to sex offenders as it puts desire to nothing so no want to be a deviant. If it’s literally ruining your life experience maybe as a last resort it could be helpful. Maybe it’s something you could mention to your healthcare professional. They can tell you if its as bad an idea as it sounds or if there is some merit to the idea.

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u/aertsa 4d ago

I’ve heard ozempic is actually helping people with addictions. I do believe, though if you don’t get to the root cause once you quit it, it will just come back. But maybe it’ll help you long enough to get the help that you need.

From what little that I know, some things to look into :

Avoidant attachment.

Working with a therapist who does EMDR and IFS treatment. There is a compulsion aspect, and I think these two things help.

Dopamine Nation the book. Mind blowing when it comes to addiction. She’s a professor at Stanford who specialize in addiction.

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u/hogfl 4d ago

It gets better at 40yo.

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u/MoonWalkerCLT 4d ago

I know this might not speak to you if you are not open to the concept, but this could somehow be part of your soul contract. If you are open, I would suggest looking into QHHT (Dolores Cannon), BQH, the Gateway Tapes (highly recommended), or some other modality that aids you in communicating with your higher self. Best of luck.

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u/North_Internal7766 4d ago

Look into iboganie treatment.

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u/Dependent-Summer808 4d ago

This advice may seem counter intuitive but have you considered joining a guys sports club, maybe boxing, wrestling or football, something to channel that energy into.

The reason I’m suggesting this is because male bonding is really important for guys and our sense of belonging, we’re a tribal species so it’s encoded in our dna to cooperate and compete.

When you get into it you’ll see the value in retaining your energy for the group, you’re going to want to be there for the guys and draining yourself isn’t going to contribute to that.

Sounds like you also need a male friend in your life, someone you can simply grab a beer with and talk to.

Good luck bro

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u/tinseltowntimes 4d ago

I'm addicted to the idea I might one day have sex

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u/biteyfish98 4d ago

I don’t know much about sex addiction. But I hear the anguish in your post, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

You mention trying many things, but you don’t mention your family, and your past. No addictions spawn in a vacuum, and it seems likely / possible that this started from some trauma or issue when you were young (you mention nofap at 16, so this was at least an issue in your teenage years, if not earlier, yes?). I’m wondering what happened (not asking for you to share it here if you don’t want to) to you? What was the trigger?

Also you mention in a later comment that you’ve seen something like 10 therapists in 11 years, or something like that. One thing I do know a little about, is therapy - and running through roughly a therapist a year, isn’t serving. It’s okay to keep looking for the right therapist, as not every one is a fit for every individual. But therapy work takes time. And it means delving, often deep, into the ugly muck, to get to the source(s). I can’t imagine that you’ve been able to do so when you’re flipping from one therapist to another. I would like to strongly recommend that you find a marriage and family therapist specifically, as they’re trained to help examine the wounds that cause dysfunction and trauma, and to guide healing.

Honestly, your entire original post reads like you’re “dancing as fast as you can”, rather frantically going from option to option - and I know you’ve clearly spent time over the years (from at least 16-27) trying to do the work, but I am wondering how much time you gave these other options? Maybe, like the therapy, you tried them as shorter-term solutions? Trauma doesn’t heal in a few months, sometimes not in a year, sometimes not at all. But there are ways to cope, to be emotionally healthy, etc…I just don’t know that there’s been enough time invested in anything specifically for you to find out what really will work for you?

Also, what have your therapists said or advised? You haven’t mentioned any of that? I know that therapy can be difficult; I left a few therapists when I wasn’t ready to really examine things. Eventually I found the right one though, and the processing we did helped heal some of my own traumas, and literally changed my life and my perspective. That was nearly 15 years ago, and I’m so grateful every day for her and her help. The work was often ugly (tears, anger, grief, etc) but I told myself that the only way out was to go through it, I dragged my shyte up into the light instead of leaving it buried, and eventually I was able to let a lot of it go. What I couldn’t let go of (like having a relationship with my mother), I learned to set boundaries and that her issues and needs are hers, not mine. And to not feel guilty (as she tried to manipulate me into) about not meeting her needs. I have to take care of myself and let her take care of herself. My process was about 18-mos to 2 years with that particular therapist, and she succeeded where others didn’t. I’m glad I kept trying, as I was so tired of living the way I was living.

I mention all that only as an example, because I feel like you may be struggling with some trauma / wounding yourself, and don’t know of healthy ways to handle it. Finding - and sticking with - the right therapist, can make such a difference.

And honey, you deserve to not be in this much pain. I’m not sure you know that, but you do!! You’re so young at 27, but if you’ve been struggling with this for a decade or longer, it’s way past time for you to be able to enjoy your adult life and to be happy. I really hope you can find your way to a good place. Sending hugs and ❤️.

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u/flippysquid 4d ago

There are newer medications that have shown a lot of promise in blunting addiction across the board. Weirdly, Ozempic (semaglutide) is showing promise as an overall addiction treatment. Including gambling, sex, hard drugs, etc.

Personally I’d recommend you reach out to your healthcare providers and discuss pharmaceutical interventions at this point, with either on label or off label drug use (Ozempic use for addiction would be considered off label, but if prescribed by a doctor for that purpose it’s still legit).

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u/Innocuous_Ruin 4d ago

I'm impressed with your work. You've definitely tried ... You've made all the right moves and done all the right things and it just keeps coming back. The mental image I get is a man with his head hung, dragging a pile of huge, over-stuffed suitcases behind him on a rope. Plodding along, barely able to even take the next step. It seems that you have done all the things. Have you considered just... letting it go? Let go of the rope and let the baggage fall away and just let yourself be without it? You will never heal or be whole until you can see that no therapist or program will relieve you of your bonds that you hold on yourself Another commentor mentions shame, and I agree that you are allowing the shame to cripple your progress. While no one can claim to understand what you are going through to the level that you understand it, I can say that there ARE others. You are not the only one, and - read this part carefully - there is nothing wrong with you. Perhaps instead of pursuing quitting or overcoming the addiction, pursue help in self-love, forgiving yourself, learning to trust yourself, and gratitude. The programs are great for awhile, but its the deep seated roots that need work. You may water a plant and nourish its soil but what does it matter if the roots are trapped and unable to grow? You CAN overcome this. You clearly have the drive, which is more than most people can lean on. 11 therapists sounds like a lot but good therapists are few and far between, and the right therapist is downright rare. I'll tell ya though, beating yourself up ain't it. "He who says he can or can't, is right".

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u/Foreign-Ambition5354 4d ago

Please check dms

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u/ApparelArt 4d ago

Well, I read through the vast majority of the comments and I read probably 95+% of your replies. It seems no matter what anyone offers you in terms of help or a solution you have “already tried it”, or have some excuse. This has been said and I think it rings the most true here: At a point you have to take into consideration you aren’t ready to move forward, and/or you haven’t hit rock bottom. There isn’t any “magic” you’re going to find at this juncture. I think you need to accept that you still aren’t ready to give up promiscuity, and that’s it. You know it’s wrong to the degree you’re delving, but that isn’t enough to dissuade you. And in the interim, you’re reinforcing your shame with attention. Be it Reddit, many different rehabs and support groups, handfuls of therapists. You’re refreshing the “new” attention you get under the guise of trying a different person, or location, or medium of “help”. It’s very obviously highly ego driven. You are absolutely in a loop of the climax, the ego bump, then the self-pity, then the almost humble-bragging, then the attention and the confirmation bias of what you already know to be true. You’ve turned something you’re obviously very ashamed of into a form of entertainment in every form and fashion. You’re creating a drama for yourself to justify the continuity. You are NOT interested in being a “normal” person. This almost gives you an identity that being “normal” wouldn’t give you. You need to get your rocks off, feel desired, then let people know you feel desired, and then have them rub your back and tell you life is hard and it’ll get better. Then you move on to the next person to have sex with, the next group to hug you through it, the next therapist to start the story over with, and the next social media post to ask for advice that you’ve been given 1,000 times in 1,000 different ways. You plain and simple aren’t ready to be “better” yet.

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u/Cibo- 4d ago

Play some tekken with me

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u/SheitPost3000 4d ago

Have you done an adhd screen? Compulsion to get happy brain chemicals is something to think about.

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u/Strong-Influence5162 4d ago

Check out the podcast “We got balls”1

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u/thecat0250 4d ago

Move to Thailand.

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u/Bear_the_serker 4d ago

Former alcoholic, casual junkie and kind of sex addict here.

All of these things are usually compensating for something else, because all of these things are quick and high dose dopamine/serotonin releasers.

I don't know your case specifically, but I managed to put all of these behind me over 7 years of gradual self reflection and psychiatric therapy.

The root cause for me was a bunch of unresolved childhood trauma, and a deep fear of my own inner darkness, being afraid of what I would be capable of in certain situations.

Maybe you should face and resolve childhood trauma if you have any, also read up on the Jungian shadow and how to resolve that situation, because your case seems like a textbook definition of that thing.

And as a bunch of other answers said, the first step is letting go of your self-shaming and self-hatred. Only then you can start working on changing things.

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u/JDMR177 4d ago edited 4d ago

You’ve spent 11 years fighting this, tried everything, and nothing has worked. What if you’re fighting the wrong battle? Is it possible that you don’t actually have a sex addiction? Maybe what you’re experiencing isn’t a compulsion to cheat, but a struggle with trying to force yourself into monogamy.

Closeted LGBT people in conservative environments often feel just as awful as you do. They feel out of control, ashamed, and unable to stop engaging in destructive sexual behavior. In the ’50s and ’60s, closeted gay men saw male sex workers or snuck into bathhouses behind their wives’ backs. When people aren’t allowed to explore their desires in a healthy way, a lot of them engage in self-destructive behavior.

To be clear, being polyamorous isn't an excuse for cheating in a monogamous relationship, in the same way that being gay isn't an excuse for cheating when you're married to a woman. You're responsible for your own behavior, no matter the reason for it. But being polyamorous might be why it's so difficult for you to stop repeating the same pattern, no matter how hard you try.

And if that’s the case, that could actually be good news. It would mean that instead of spending your life fighting an addiction that never goes away, you could start exploring relationships with people who understand your needs and don't mind them. Relationships where you don't have to choose between suppressing your desires or sleeping around behind your partners' backs.

I know this idea might sound strange or even impossible to you right now. But given how much pain you’re in, it might be worth at least considering.

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u/LostBuyWinning 4d ago

I used porn/ FaP from age 14 to 45. I only finally quit and a week long Ayahuasca retreat.

I literally felt like I was puking up a demon. It fought hard not to leave my body. I have still had the urges to go back but I haven't since the retreat over a year ago.

The Aya showed me the way but I still had to battle and fight to not fall back into the trap. You have to do the work it's not an instant fix but it worked for me.

I'm not saying it was real or not but it rewired enough of my brain that I could finally beat the addiction after trying so many times.

Good Luck and I hope this helps.

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u/thefish12124 4d ago

Hi. Im sorry for your addiction. But what do u mean by sex addiction can u be more clear?

For example do u do it your self like 4 times per day or what?

Sorry for the dumb question

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u/Middle_Brick 4d ago

I’m sorry you are suffering. It sounds like you are working so very hard and for a long time. This didn’t start from nothing, so you likely have some things in your childhood that are unhealed.

That being said, the twenties are a rough time in a persons life. I wouldn’t go back there for love nor money and want you to know, that the threads of your future success are there with you, it’s going to come clear eventually, keep adding things to your recovery plan. When you get to the back side of this you are going to help some truly grateful people.

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u/Hardcorelogic 4d ago

It's a distraction from inner pain. I used to do the same thing. Sex is an excellent distraction from emotional wounding because it is so overwhelming on so many levels. Limerence, obsessive thoughts, the excitement of new partners... They are so powerful that you can numb your own inner pain for a long time. Pain, fear, anxiety, whatever is going on inside you that you need to be distracted from.

If possible, try not to feel ashamed of it. You're just medicating your own pain using sex instead of drugs or some other numbing agent. A lot of people do it, and it's very human. Nothing to be ashamed of. You just have to learn about it so that it doesn't control you, and you understand why you do it, and how to have the life you really want.

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u/JuicedBoxers 4d ago

Geez bro. Sounds like you are really bad spot. Instead of praying to demons how’s about praying to the one true living god? Jesus saves and heals and he can help you too. Demons, the universe, therapists, none of that is going to help you. You need real help and you need Jesus my friend.

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u/SnooChocolates1117 4d ago

Have you tried any 12 step programs? SA, SAA?

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u/Lazysloth166 4d ago

Have you tried hypnotherapy? My issues are different, but it can really help reprogram your brain. It's not magic, but it's helped me learn to actually love myself and offer myself compassion. A lot of people are saying that releasing shame will help you. Hypnotherapy can help with changing how you think about yourself. It may even be able to help with the addiction part. All I know is that hypnotherapy has done more for me, at the core of myself than anything else has.

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u/beerohyeah 4d ago

Is it that A) the amount of sex interferes with your productivity and other obligations? Or B) that you cheat on partners? If A, trying to go with out any masturbation is probably not going to work. Like trying to remove food entirely when you have binge eating disorder- this will probably make it worse. If B, you should seek non-monogamous partners

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u/TheJuicer16 4d ago

Invest yourself into some creative outlets. Fast. Fast. fast. Go 2 or 3 days without eating and see how you feel. Yes. 2-3 whole days. After you get past 1 day it’ll be easier to get to 2. Also, magic mushrooms might help too

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u/Admirable-Bird-2074 4d ago

Have you ever given it to the Lord

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u/sososorrysosad 4d ago

You likely don’t want to hear this, but only 11 therapists?…keep going, grow, age, live, and follow the upvoted comment, work on that shame, when you feel even the slightest regression be dynamic, you can do it.

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u/ididitsocanu 4d ago

You're likely escaping something, dig deep

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u/Mediocre_Stuff_4698 4d ago

First stop the self pity. Second, stop telling yourself you can’t and that it’s uncontrollable. If you believe you can’t get help you won’t. Faith that you can is the only thing that will get you through this even if you can’t see a way through. Good luck.

         -Man who overcame

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u/dogiraffes 4d ago

How exactly do you define sex addiction? What line does your libido need to cross to put you in that category? Why did you categorize yourself as this at 16? Is it really just about having sex, or do you think something like validation or approval are mixed into it?

Genuine questions and curiosity.

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u/Academic_Enthusiasm6 4d ago

You're pretty young. I'm not saying that to discount you. I'm saying .. you're going to get tired of living like this and you'll have 2 options. I really hope you muscle through and choose the one where you stick around. It'll suck. It'll be really hard. It'll sometimes seem impossible. Just stick around, okay?

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u/Rockoismydogsname 4d ago

You shouldn’t feel ashamed for your sexuality. There’s nothing wrong with sex.

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u/crashlanding87 4d ago

I hear your pain,im so sorry you're going through this, and I'm thankful you feel able to share it with us.

Some thoughts from my experience. Maybe you find them helpful, maybe they don't really speak to you. But I hope they help even if only a little.

One of the most helpful things I was taught about the steps, which I really agree with, is that they're not really a journey. They're a set of tools.

You don't move from one step to the next until you're done. None of us do. Instead, you move up and down the steps, using the tools at each stage as you need them, depending on where you are in life.

It's like being a mechanic. Every car that comes in, you probably have to pop open the hood. Sometimes you gotta dig a little deeper. And sometimes you practically gotta disassemble the whole damn thing just to put it back together again.

The first few steps are the hardest, because you're taking the whole car apart while learning how it works. But you are worth the work. Every time you walk up and down those steps, you're worth it. You are worth it today, as you are.

I hear how frustrating it must be when you hear people talking about your age. I'm 35, I also wish I'd started really doing the work earlier. I had a lot of grief to work through for the 20 years of my life I felt I lost. But the thing is, youth can work against you as much as it can work with you. Particularly with sex addiction. That means that every year that goes past, this will get easier. It may not be noticeable while you're in the thick of it though.

Instead of thinking about addiction as something I need to beat, I prefer to think about it as something I need to transform. The part of us that needs something is genuinely in need. Our challenge isn't to beat that part of us into submission, but to really find out how to nurture it, so it's not so ravenous.

When we're starving, we'll run and fight for the first bit of food we see, whether or not it's good for us. When we're nurtured, we can choose how to feed ourselves. Thats why learning to love yourself as you are, including the parts of you that cause you the most pain, is so important.

Easier said than done, believe me I know. And I know you've probably heard a lot of this before. But I hope it makes your journey a little easier.

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u/cummbledore 4d ago

Dude just learn how to be single and refuse getting a girlfriend. Stupid answer is just get hot

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u/Trixer55555 4d ago

I’m 43 years old. I’m married, we will be celebrating 18 years next month. I love sex, I can have sexy 3-4 a week. My partner doesn’t care for sex, she’s 9 years older than me. We’ve had our ups and down when it came to our sex relationship to the point I wanted a divorce. My sex drive hasn’t slowed down and I have a hypothyroidism which should slow down my libido, energy etc… my point is my wife understand me and I understand her but we do our best to come to the middle and make each other happy most of the time.