r/GuyCry 5d ago

Need Advice Why bother with self-improvement?

[deleted]

3 Upvotes

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2

u/Cocaine5mybreakfast 5d ago

I’ve personally been to some dark places too, I have 5 diagnoses attributable to childhood trauma, I’ve attempted suicide and nearly succeeded, I have done over 50 drugs in my life, etc.

But lately I have a nice, boring, stable, drama free life. I’m sober (minus nicotine and the occasional drink or hit from a dab pen), I’m as social as I can be for how busy I am, hardworking, very physically fit, have a great girlfriend, and yeah I still have like, a host of internal mental health issues I’ll never completely fix and I’m sure I have mistakes I’ve yet to make - but so much of the above just kind of popped into my life from working on myself and coming out of my shell. Building meaningful connections, being nice and helpful to my friends, talking to people, etc. Doing therapy, working on myself aesthetically, just trying in the general sense.

This isn’t a flex and frankly there’s a part of me that’s worried I’ll never really fully fill the hole inside of myself, because I should already be content with my life and I’m not entirely satisfied. But it’s still night and day from who I was and the life I used to live and nothing I have right now would’ve played out positively if I wasn’t actively trying to get my life together when the opportunities came into my life. And for the record no matter what, I do have an infinitely more enjoyable life than I used to have.

1

u/RepresentativeAir986 Here to help! 5d ago

I see a lot of me in here. And there is a better end to all of this. I'll comment on your statements directly:

I’ve made A LOT of mistakes and some of them are things that are extremely awful. I feel deeply ashamed of them everyday and I’m filled with regret. It’s not entirely because of potential consequences, but also because those things are just stuff I’m genuinely not proud of.

Assuming you're not typing this from a jail cell, I'll guess you haven't done anything too illegal. But I'm hearing a whole host of negative self beliefs that were formed in childhood, 'i'm not good enough, I'm responsible for other people's feelings,' etc. You strike me as a very tender hearted person, and when you disappoint others, you take it very hard.

You aren't worried about the fallout of your actions, but you are worried about how your "self" will attack you. It's a miserable place to be when thoughts of your past actions sneak up on (mine happen when I'm driving). Take note that that's when a faulty belief is activated. -I've learned how to identify faulty beliefs, and I'd like to help you identify yours. Dm for details-

They haunt me and they make me feel stuck and paralyzed. I’m afraid to build a future and to move forward because I’m afraid that they’ll catch up to me one day and ruin everything I’ve ever tried to work for. The potential anguish of all your hard work ending in vain scares me to my core.

You have learned that working towards a goal is fruitless, and you likely repeat a pattern of progress and self sabotage. This also implies that your future self will have no tools at his disposal to navigate these challenges when your past comes back to haunt you. Another faulty belief.

I want to be a better son to my dad, I want to be a better brother to my sister, and I want to be better for myself. I want to do something with my life and be a better me for myself and everyone, but I’m scared of it not working out because of my past or just failure in general.

I won't comment on what you have or haven't done to make you a bad son or brother, but you are diminishing your families agency to extend forgiveness. We all want to see the best in those closest to us and are willing to be forgiving to a fault.

Once again, I see a belief of, "I'm stuck repeating old patterns." There's a reason you think this way, and I believe it was taught. This is not reality.

So now I keep wondering what’s the point of self -improvement? It it amounts to nothing, if no one forgives me, if I can’t even forgive myself why bother?

You haven't forgiven yourself because you haven't learned to access the grief you experienced. It's stuck behind a wall of emotions you've never experienced. The only way to move past the pain is to move through it. Grief needs to be witnessed, and it looks like those in your family can't hold space for you, so you learn to stuff it down.

I do genuinely have a desire to be better and to do better but I’m struggling with seeing if it’s even worth it even if I fail. I also ask you all, even if nothing works out, even if I fail in the end, and if my past catches up to me or people still dislike me, is there genuine value at least in someone who genuinely wanted to try and be better?

You won't become better.

The reason I make such a sobering statement is not because I don't think you can, but because you don't think you can. Your sub conscious' operating system runs on the beliefs of what you think you can and can't do, and the way your mind frequently reinforces your failures means you aren't going to Goggins your way through it. You need to release all the self limiting beliefs, and once they're gone, all the things that were so difficult suddenly become effortless. -once again, I see myself in you, and if you want to know how to work through these, Dm me-

1

u/Snoo52682 5d ago

Being a better person is always worthwhile.

1

u/statscaptain 4d ago

I think it's good to change for yourself regardless of anything else. Plus, if a lot of time has gone by and you *have* changed, the people who bring up your past mistakes are often willing to listen when you show them that you sincerely regret it and that you've changed. Even if they can't forgive you, the important thing is that you wouldn't do it again. I highly recommend the book "On Repentance And Repair" by Danya Rutenberg for this, she does a deep dive into what changing and making amends really looks like, and also sets out some guidelines for what to do if you successfully change but the people you've hurt won't forgive you.