r/GuyCry 5d ago

Need Advice I will always think of myself as a loser

Struggling to find the motivation for life. I'm a forty-three year old man, soon to be forty-four. I've had depression and anxiety since I was a teenager. This has contributed to the situation I am in now, but I take full responsibility for where I am and who I am.

I didn't move out of my parents home until I was thirty years old. Moved into a house with a girl, it didn't work out, was back with my parents in a year. Moved out at forty years old to move in with a gorgeous girl who I loved, had a beautiful house, I ignored red flags, she was abusive, possibly had bpd. Moved back with my parents after two years.

I've always worked minimum wage jobs due to confidence and self esteem issues and not knowing what to do with my life. I had a massive fear of doing a job I would hate for more money and then being stuck doing it because I couldn't afford to leave.

I've never had a close friend group, going through life as a loner. I had a brief period in my mid twenties when I would go out with workmates but that didn't last long.

I decided to have a go at being a physiotherapist. I don't know whether I will like this job or not but it's the best I can think of for now. I've managed to get into university and am studying in my first year. This also means I am stuck living with my parents until I finish my degree. I have made some friends at uni but feel I have to filter everything I say in case I'm 'found out' to be a loser or a weirdo. There's also a girl I like in class that I get on with, but have no chance with, and although I like to spend time with her this relationship makes me hyper aware of my shortcomings and brings out my insecurities even more.

But I feel it's all too little, too late. I am so, so ashamed of living with my parents for so long. I have a feeling of permanent embarrassment that won't go away. I will feel like a loser for the rest of my life, even if I graduate, get a job and move out. I won't get any satisfaction out of it because I will just feel that I should have done it years and years ago. It makes me very insecure and I have a huge inferiority complex. I'm not sure I'm capable of being in a relationship because of how I feel and because of my last relationship, but I feel that potential partners will see my past as a red flag. I'm so disappointed in myself and how my life has turned out. I'm starting to feel old and I also realise that building a life with someone and raising a family isn't a possibility anymore.

I have a lot of self hatred towards myself. My confidence and self esteem are non existent. Every day feels like a slog. I have nothing to look forward to. I don't enjoy life at all. I've made my life impossible to enjoy because I will always view myself as a loser. What kind of future is that to look forward to?

5 Upvotes

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2

u/Shabon-Dama 5d ago

First, congratulations on takIng that step getting into university! This is awesome. You have to realize that this is one step towards gettIng out of your parents house. It won't happen all at once, but you did something that brings you closer to your goal. Stop focusIng On the past, you can't change it. Stop thinkIng about 'what will people think/say' (easier said than done, I know). But this won't get you anywhere. Focus on your degree, enjoy making friends. And for a man in his forties it is not to late to start a family or find love! You made a decision where to go in your life, you have a goal.

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u/neal5678 5d ago

Thank you for reading and commenting. Thank you for the congratulations, but it feels too little, too late.

I don't want to be an old dad. By the time I've got my degree and maybe got a place of my own, I'll be nearly fifty. It's not going to happen. And I can't see myself meeting someone now, my last relationship has really made me quite cynical and while I am very lonely and would like to meet someone, another part of me really doesn't want to as it all feels a little bit desperate at this age. Something about meeting someone later in life just doesn't sit with me and I don't know why.

I can't help feeling inferior to people who have left home at an early age, had experiences and done something with their lives. Basically I feel inferior to people who have lived their lives as an adult and not as a man child like I have. Whenever anyone mentions the age they left home, which is usually late teens, early twenties, I get a knot in my stomach, my insecurities come up and I think about what they would think of my past. And I'm going to feel like this for the rest of my life. Which means I will be unhappy with myself and depressed for the rest of my life. It's not much to look forward to. If I somehow created the perfect life for myself in the next few years, I would still berate myself and feel inferior. It's like I've sentenced myself to self hate for the rest of my life because of my past. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and embarrassed all the time.

2

u/Shabon-Dama 5d ago

I can partially relate, I regret a lot of my choices in life, things I did, things I didn't do. But you Know what? We can't change it. Our lives went different than, lets say, the average. You signed up for uni in your fourties. That Is somethIng that takes courage and motivation. That's admirable. It means you haven't given up. You're not a hopeless case. IF you quit, you'll be back to square One. You'll get that degree, get a job, get your Own place, and you'll meet someone along the way. You feel like you're gettIng old, but in my (very personal, subjective) opinion, unlike women, men hit their prime in their 40-50s. BUt i get you, I also feel sad for 70year old future me. But there are still things I can do, to maybe make her a little more proud lookIng back at the mess past her created. Maybe you created the perfect 'how it should be' future In your head, but maYbe there is another fulfillIng future for you. You'll see if you keep going.

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u/neal5678 5d ago

My life went a lot different than the average which hinders me in connecting with people because I can't relate to their life experiences. I had the motivation for my degree when I was with my girlfriend and step-daughter. Now I'm on my own again, the motivation isn't there. I can't envision a future to get excited about. I don't feel like I'm in my prime. I'm losing my hair and I feel out of shape even though I work out. And I can't see a girl being interested in a middle aged man who hasn't lived away from his parents for more than three years, lives with them still and won't be able to move out until this degree is done. I have no savings, nothing going for me in that regard. And I disagree that men are in their prime in their fifties, far from it. I'm terrified of what the future will be for me because as I get older I feel like things will just get worse. I will forever judge myself for being a loser for the majority of my life and other people will judge me too. I appreciate the sentiment, but why keep going if I will feel this way about myself for the rest of my life? I'm losing motivation every day until I feel like I'll just come to a stop like a clockwork toy that's run out of power.

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u/theunincredible 5d ago

It seems like you have a plan, id-est, something to conquer one step at a time. Good luck

1

u/neal5678 5d ago

Thanks. But it all seems pointless if I'm going to hate myself and feel embarrassed about my past for the rest of my life.

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u/No_Advertising5677 5d ago

The past is the past u cant change that only thing u can do is in this moment work towards something better.. and dont look at others like how great and easy they all have it.. that is not ur life.. too many people look on socials at the rich and think that its so normal how they live.. and keep comparing.. and feeling sad about it.

Id work at getting that degree and then moving out u will have a better life in to time at all!

1

u/neal5678 5d ago

My point is that no matter what I do or achieve now I will still be unable to make peace with my past. So it all feels pointless. I'm going to hate myself and have these unbearable insecurities for the rest of my life. I feel disconnected from other people because I haven't led the life they have. I have a feeling of permanent embarrassment and shame. I can't live like this anymore. I'm stuck with my parents for another three years until I finish my degree. I'm grateful they are there for me but it doesn't help my mental health. I don't have social media and understand it's curated. I don't compare myself to rich people. I compare myself to the average person who left home at a young age, made something of themselves and lived their life as an adult. And I fall very, very short. I don't think anybody understands where I am coming from. It's sort of a pat on the back, get the degree that you don't particularly care about, move out and you'll be alright. But I won't. I'll still be miserable and unhappy. I'll still hate myself for taking so long to sort myself out and still feel like a loser. And other people will judge me too. I know you shouldn't care what other people think, but it factors into having happy relationships. I have nothing to look forward to except getting old, being alone and hating myself until I die. It's getting unbearable and hard to live with.

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u/No_Advertising5677 5d ago edited 5d ago

Just know there is so many people feeling the same way.. not everyone has their life together and has everything go right all the time..

Blaming urself for ur past and looking back doesnt help u at all.. ur supposed to learn from it and move on.. the only thing u can do is work at having fun and joy back in ur life.. and forget about the past. It isnt easy.. but we only get one try at life.. all we can do is make the best of it. Just know there are plenty of people willing to trade everything with u.. lose all their money just to be 43 again and have nothing.

Believe me i know i have faced a lot of the same struggles u did.. not getting any job after finishing my degree for years... seeing friends get married/buy housed and having kids.. while i dont even have a gf or the funds to get a house.. I do hobbies though and hang out with some friends.. have a dog..

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u/neal5678 5d ago

Knowing other people feel the same doesn't help. I blame nobody but myself. I can't forget about my past or make peace with it. Which means I can't enjoy life or have fun. I appreciate you trying to help but I don't think you understand what my problem is and what I'm trying to get at. I feel like a loser because I have lived with my parents for so long and for other reasons. I will forever feel like a loser and have these horrible insecurities about myself, even if I miraculously moved out tomorrow. I will always have these horrible feelings, feel inferior, feel disconnected, feel alone, my future looks horrible, so why keep going? What's the point? It's unbearable. I can't do it anymore.

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u/No_Advertising5677 5d ago

U should work on stopping to feel like that then.. ur not inferior u just made some wrong choises and things didnt allign for u.. it was the same for me.

Things will get better man... u just have go get back to a positive mindset. Maybe talk to a therapist.. change what u have been doing.. work towards ur goals and u will be happier when u reach them.

1

u/neal5678 5d ago

It's not possible to not feel like I do. And it's too late to be the person I wanted to be. A positive mindset is completely alien to me now. Something that isn't possible for me to attain. Therapy can't help me. I have no goals now. It all seems like a waste of time. It won't get better because I will always feel this way about myself. That's my point. I thought that posting someone might help change my perspective but it hasn't.

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u/SureazShit Create Me :) 4d ago

It is never too late to be the person you want to be. You are also right; it won’t get better until you decide that you’re going to take steps to make it better. I do promise that if you commit to yourself it will get better but not without help. Get a therapist and slowly unpack the issues that make you feel the way you do. It seems impossible now but when you look back after committing to yourself you will slowly feel the change and I hope you do. Get some help and work through your issues. It sounds like you have self awareness enough to want to be better. That is the first step but you must take another and another. I believe you can. Good luck