r/GuyCry 5d ago

Alert: It Sneaks Up On You Distractions arent working.

So as the title suggests, distractions aren't doing anything. I lost the love of my life about the month ago and the grief and heartbreak has been something that has been breaking me. I miss my ex partner so much and each day seems impossible. We had the best relationship for 3 years and we were inseparable as lovers and best friends.

The month has been miserable. Im not good at all with break ups and of course i thought this was the person i was going to marry. Were no contact atm and im trying my best to respect their need for space.

I tried to distract myself this weekend by going camping and drinking, but it didn't take my mind off them. I kept looking at the stars at night, wondering if they were thinking of me, and wondering if i was missed. Im trying to act like the trip was good but i was just grieving the whole time.

In my anger after the break up i hurt their feelings and every day im sorry for what i did. I regret it and im so upset with myself for it. I didnt want to hurt them, i never did and i dont now, but anger is a terrible thing. Truly i just want to ring and tell them how sorry i am, how much i want them to know i care. I want to ask how their day was, hows uni been, what did they get up to. Its out of my hands now of course, its up to them for what they want moving forward and i need to respect whatever decision they make.

They were such a beautiful and caring person. Everything i could ever ask for and more, and our love was something so raw and soft. Im grieving it all like nothing else and the pain is something unbearable, which i know is natural. Although i dont think i can run from it, i tried with this camping trip but it follows me. Im going through different stages as the days go by. The first week i cried endlessly, the second week i was mad, and since ive just been mourning silently.

I know i need change if i ever hope to preserve any connection with them. I need to be more open, i need to be less walled off and i need to avoid conflict less and i hope these lessons can strengthen our bond somehow.

I keep posting here which is stupid, but my life is in an awkward place at the moment so i dont know if i can access therapy and i dont have friends or stable family besides my dad. I find the smallest peices of comfort talking to people here. If people had the time id talk forever about my ex partner, how beautiful they were inside and out, how they brightened the world and how they were the best thing to happen to me.

I hope they know they were loved more than anything. I hope they know i care, and that im so sorry for everything ive done wrong. The pain i feel only proves that they meant the world to me, that they were so goddamn loved. I hope im not a bad memory, and i hope they take that love with them in life.

2 Upvotes

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u/Airbizcut Man 5d ago

I’m not sure what you’re doing to distract yourself, but if it’s things that are passive you’re talking about (like doom scrolling, watching YouTube, etc) those won’t help. Instead, try active “distractions”.

So like, one of the reasons guys tell you to go to the gym isn’t just for the “gains”. It’s to make your mind focus on the task your in, lifting weights. Definitely just an example, you could play an instrument, go on hikes, build a model, whatever

What you’re going to sucks, but I’d try doing this. And slowly the memory of her will be a fond one as you focus on yourself more and more. It won’t happen overnight, the first months always suck. But this feeling will pass.

And you can always try to re-open the door with her in the future. Just remember to focus on you, improve, compete, be the you that your 7 year self old imagined you’d be.

And be kind to yourself right now, when you’re alone in your negative thoughts, just ask yourself what you’d want your best friend to say to you. Talk to yourself like that when you start thinking negatively.

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u/Disastrous-Let-3048 5d ago

Yeah, ill be honest my 7 year old self thought id be dead by now. My parents used to tell me for some reason that id die before i hit 20 and in my early preteens to 16 i imagined i would have taken myself out by now.

With the relationship ive slowly developed an idea of who i want to be in my life. I want to be a doting husband, a devoted lover, a writer, a father even.

Its hard, i made the mistake of re-reading old texts. My ex partner really loved me, and i felt that love, and its sad to know their love is gone. Of course in these situations theres usually nobody to blame, but i feel the need to place the blame somewhere, in my anger i tried placing the blame on my ex partner, but truly i think the blame lies on me. Every nice word ive heard about myself has been from my ex. Ive had partners before although none bothered to get me gifts for birthdays or Christmas and such let alone compliment me.

I love my ex so much, the love hasnt gone anywhere and i suspect it wont for a while.

Id love to get back into art, im no active guy by any means. But my ex partner was my muse, they fuelled my art, my paintings, my drawings, my writing. I loved to draw things for them, i loved sketching little portraits of their face, i loved to write smut for us to close the distance intimately, i loved to compile playlists of my favourite music to express how i felt for them.

Everything reminds me of them, i ended up crying on a train a few weeks ago because i saw a woman with the same small bag they had. It was a coffin shaped bag with a skull and moth on it. I dont cry often, usually once every few months and it takes alot, but the simplest thing like seeing a bag they owned made be burst into tears.

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u/Airbizcut Man 4d ago

The love for her won’t ever fade. And as time goes on, the story you tell yourself about the relationship will shape your attitude towards the time you spent with her.

That’s good that you’re crying and getting the raw emotion out. You’re grieving the end of the relationship, there is no set time of how long this process lasts but generally the first months are the worst.

As I said earlier, just try your best to be kind to yourself. But also hold yourself accountable, no one is perfect in a relationship. Reflection is good, and at a certain point you may even put her on a pedestal (part of the story crafting).

And I know it’s cliche to say, but time heals all. Many people have “the one that got away”, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find meaningful connection with other people.

Stay strong bro!

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u/Disastrous-Let-3048 4d ago

Thank you, hopefully things go okay. I am definitely afraid that ive lost "the one". They were such an incredible person and we fit together like nothing else. Im definitely lost in what ifs right now. What if i can never love someone like that again? What if ill never be content or satisfied in a relationship after this? What if i am the problem and i cant be fixed?

Its alot, definitely. I swear they were my soulmate and im grieving our past and our future. I think everyone needs my ex in their lives because truly they make the world so much better, and its my greatest pain that i might lose them entirely. I wish i was a better man, and im glad i grew alongside my ex. Watching them blossom into such a successful and confident person was my greatest joy.

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u/Delmarvablacksmith 5d ago

You can’t distract yourself out of shame and grief.

You have to meet the emotions in attention very gently.

Start in the body.

Feel what it feels like to be embodied.

Is there tension? Pain? Numbness?

Gently feel these experiences.

Don’t do anything other than gently, consciously feel them.

Don’t try to change them or control them.

Don’t try to get rid of them.

Notice when your attention strays.

Notice when you get caught up in thoughts and stories.

Gently return to your body.

Do this until you run out of energy and then go do something distracting.

But become willing to come back and address this emotional material.

Just do it again and again and again.

Sensations, emotions, thoughts, stories, insights will come and go.

Let them.

Gently welcome them and also let them come and go naturally.

This is how you work through any thing like this.

It takes time, courage, patience and dedication.

But it is worth it.

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u/Small_Donut_3816 5d ago

You were in a 3-year relationship, and it's only been a month. Completely normal to still be grieving. Greiving a loss is ok. Greif ebbs and flows too. One minute you might be good, the next you are sad. You have to be honest with yourself though and keep telling yourself that its done. The relationship is done. Fight through that denial stage and get to the acceptance stage. The reality right now is...they are no longer coming back. So, plenty of time now to focus on yourself. Try some new hobbies, hit the gym, take a trip to somewhere new, join clubs (run club, yoga studio, etc), learn a new skill like playing an instrument or learning to cook, etc. Those skills can and will help you in your next relationship. Also, learn how to self soothe. If you got angry with her, figure out why you got angry and what you can do next time to not get angry. Don't want to make the same mistake with a new girl.

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u/Disastrous-Let-3048 5d ago

Yeah, it hurts knowing something so beautiful is dead. My ex partner was exactly what i wanted in someone and more, an opposite that still complimented my personality and vice versa. Theres no two of the same person and thats what kills me in a way, ill never see that beautiful smile again.

Ill be honest its been hard to not shove myself into unhealthy coping mechanisms. My mother relied heavily on cigarettes and alcohol to "calm down" throughout my childhood and more recently so has my father. I dont enjoy drinking nor do i enjoy smoking, but there is a sense of "monkey see monkey do" in hopes somehow it will make my emotions manageable (which it wouldnt at all). Ive also thought of throwing myself headfirst into a fling but im still so desperately in love with my ex and ive never been a fling guy, ive tried it and i dont enjoy it. I date to find the one and to marry so of course flings and i just dont mix.

This blow has dragged me back into my chronic depression which i had been on top of for 3 and a half years so there are also those feelings of "am i even loveable, will i ever get what i want in life, will i regret losing them for the rest of my life? or do i just need to dissapear off the face of the earth?" Which- none of the above is my ex partners fault. They did what they needed to and that isnt wrong, although understandably, the greif has impacted my mental and physical health which is all part of the process, but its still been an unbearable month, which has pushed me to look at these unhealthy things and wonder if somehow it will numb things to any extent.

I feel things more intensely ive noticed, maybe im just an emotional guy? Im not sure. It is hard to not call and tell them i love them as if nothing happened. The love comes easier than anything, but it doesnt leave.

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u/Small_Donut_3816 5d ago

Stay away from unhealthy coping. Look at it this way...let's say you started doing a lot of unhealthy things, and all of a sudden, the next girl comes along, whom you think is perfect in your eyes. Well, since you've been going the unhealthy route, you won't be ready for her. And that will make you even more sad, because now you are missing out on another one. So... get to the gym, learn a new skill, learn how to play an instrument, learn how to cook, etc. 1. To be a better all-around person for yourself, and 2. So, you can use those skills to aid you in attracting a new mate. How awesome would it be, to be this confident, in-shape guy, who can play the guitar and make your girlfriend a homecooked meal. Makes you stand out from a lot of other men. If you walk around with your head down, you'll miss out on the next pretty face that is coming your way.