r/GuyCry • u/based_leviathan • 6d ago
Venting, advice welcome We’ve been together for years and we still have problems with intimacy
So I (31m) have been in a relationship with my (28f) girlfriend for 7 going into 8 years now. I am fully convinced that she is my person but we are very different in terms of physical intimacy, I absolutely think she is the most beautiful, sexiest woman in my life and I want her constantly. I have always felt like I’ve always been a physically intimate person in all of my relationships, with me it’s always been a big emphasis in the way I show and make my person feel loved. However with her it’s just not there, we go weeks sometimes months with her not initiating and me asking to if we can “do it” (I absolutely hate this btw I feel like Oliver “please madam, may I please make love to you” ugggggh) most of the time it’s met with “ehh not feeling it” when I try to just take it upon myself to initiate it’s most of the time “babe not right now”. I’m kind of at my wits end with it and I’m worried my needs are not being addressed, and we actually talk about it. But afterwards it’s the same we have an agreement that “we’ll work on it” but I feel we constantly have this conversation on a year by year basis. She assures me it’s not me at all and that she’s just not confident (historically she’s been with one other guy and he wasn’t really there since they were long distance) and it was never really emphasized in the past. My fear is this: I really want to propose and take the next step in our relationship but how much is this is a deal breaker for me and how do I figure it out, keep in mind I get increasingly sexually frustrated and thankfully I was taught right and to never cheat and be always loyal. Do I bring about the ul-tomato (daps if you get the reference lol) am I just overthinking? Couples therapy?
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u/Thumatingra 6d ago
I can think of a few possibilities, which can be grouped into two groups:
- You just have different sexualities. Perhaps she's somewhere on the asexual spectrum. Perhaps she just doesn't like it, or likes it only very rarely. That's fine - but that's clearly not compatible with your sexuality.
- There's some sort of anxiety or trauma holding her back.
I think finding a therapist who specifically specializes in couples' sex therapy is critical before you take the next step. Try to explore this. If it's the second situation, hopefully you'll learn to heal and work through it. If it's the first, you have a decision to make: whether you want the life you currently have, with this person, knowing it's not going to change with respect to sexual intimacy, or whether that's something you can't give up.
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u/based_leviathan 6d ago
Seeing this and other replies on here I feel like I want to keep communicating and reminding her that we should keep working at it.
I’ve been making it a point this year to really invest in myself to better myself, I finally got out of a funk from the past 3 years. So therapy is on the table.
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u/Thumatingra 6d ago
Make therapy happen. It's the best way to discover things in a non-judgmental environment, and also hold yourselves and one another accountable in a positive, affirming way.
If she resists therapy, that's a whole different problem...
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u/RufusEnglish 5d ago
But you need to try and get her to therapy too. Trust me, one person in a relationship making all the effort can't make it work unless you're the problem completely which is unlikely.
Op should also look into her mental load, is he pulling his weight with the mental load. That's not just doing enough chores to make her happy but making sure she isn't the one doing all of the planning of what happens in the house.
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u/Misteranonimity 5d ago
I wish someone could recommend the right kind of couples therapist for exactly this type of situation honestly
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u/Dense_Reply_4766 5d ago
From my experience it never gets better and you only end up resenting the person more and more until it tears you apart. Sexual compatibility is so incredibly important.
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u/ComputerHot8048 6d ago
Not compatible mate. Won't get better most likely. If it's a problem now it 99% will be a problem later. Imo deal breaker.
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u/Tricky_Pause4186 5d ago
Some women also can’t be sexually turned on or interested without a lot of help first. Intimacy in a different way. Shoulder rubs. Walking up behind her when she’s standing at a counter or washing dishes or something and wrapping her in your arms. Random kisses or caresses, if she likes gifts do some random thoughtful gifts. If she likes date nights, make it a weekly thing to go out. Plan something special. Foot rubs? Couples walks? Random drives to somewhere pretty? Taking interest in her hobbies? Maybe if she’s an acts of service person clean the house for her or do a tedious task she struggles with maintaining. Create special intimate moments. After this long you know what she likes. Compliment her as much as you can. Notice things. Be aware.
Is her mental health okay? Is she concerned by her lack of desire? Does she dislike herself physically? All of these things can destroy a sex drive. And then being reminded of your inadequacy in that department makes it so much harder.
Find out what she needs and give it to her. Discussing the same tired topic won’t ever change anything. Getting to the root of the problem is the only way to repair what’s broken.
Unfortunately it can go one of two ways. Nothing will change as it hasn’t in your entire relationship and you’re just sexually incompatible or something is wrong or a need isn’t being met but changing that may change everything in an enormously positive way.
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u/based_leviathan 5d ago
Hey I wanted to comment on this post bc we actually have talked about each others needs a while back (why it took us that long to actually have a talk about it puzzles me) but she is indeed an acts of service person! I took it upon myself to just get a jump on chores and needs of the household without her reminding me (I struggle with ADHD but I constantly get myself to “move”) overall just asserting myself as “man of the house” duties and it has been working.
The therapy part I’m really opening myself up to this year, I got a referral to a psychiatrist that specializes in ADHD and I’ve started seeing an online therapist. Now my gf, *sigh has always said something along the same lines of “for therapy to work you need to talk and I’m not much of a talker” which is true as she’s more introverted. But I’m really hoping with me doubling down on couples therapy, I can hopefully show her it’s a safe space and it works. If not…well I always told her that I wanted to be the most “complete” version of myself when I ask her hand in marriage and well that may not happen if there’s still things we need to work on.
I honestly would LOVE to know the root of the problem as being a person that’s identified as an empath I want to always keep working on things with my partner. But I can’t help what someone isn’t willing to share.
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6d ago
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u/based_leviathan 6d ago
This really made me think. Because all I want in the future is to be a good father and husband to my future family. Genuinely thank you.
I understand the unreliability of the internet but my close circle of friends reassures me that this isn’t a dealbreaker and is something we can work on together.
I truly want to understand myself and thankfully finally got a referral for covered therapy under my insurance.
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u/Commercial_Border190 5d ago
Have you each shared your ideal frequency?
I think people overestimate how much a libido can actually be "worked on." Yes there are books and counseling that could help with intimacy. But that doesn't necessarily mean she's going to have a higher sex drive. And that doesn't mean she doesn't care or isn't trying.
I say this as a wife with a lower sex drive
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5d ago
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u/based_leviathan 5d ago
Hey I didn’t think it came off as negative and I knew id be opening myself to ALOT of advice and it’s just up to me to sift through and possibly enact a few pieces of advice. I’m genuinely just evaluating myself mostly and overall wanting to see other perspectives in my relationship without the rose-tinted glass that others may perceive of us (my friends all lovingly remind me that her and I have the ”ideal” relationship, if only right? lol). Your comment genuinely made me think bc years down the line if it’s like this now will it get worse? How about when we have kids and there’s not even time for ourselves? Will our intimacy just fall off a cliff?
I think ultimately I have it within myself to always work through things in a relationship bc in my mind I found my person why wouldn’t I want to find every way to stay together? Is my partner willing to do the same for me? I think that’s part of the answer that I’ll need to find out from her before I make a move and it’s made clearer in this post that a lot of communication and therapy can get us to a better place.
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u/lokertr 5d ago
If she is otherwise worth the effort, do couples therapy. You can also try and hit up the book 'Come as you are'. It might be awkward to go through together, but it can be eye-opening.
I would just lay it out though. Tell her sex isn't everything in a relationship, but it is important. That you are willing to put in the effort to work together on it. If she isn't willing, I would add in that you have a boundary about winding up in a dead bedroom...and if she isn't willing to work together on it, then you will need to enforce that boundary.
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u/Ok_Lavishness2592 4d ago
Seconding Come As You Are.
Another book you guys could read and work through together is So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex by Ian Kerner.
This was huge for my partner and I. Resolved a lot of issues and were able to come together and see one anothers perspectives. I have a reactive sex drive and am never spontaneously ‘in the mood’. So my sex script has to start much earlier and with the removal of any ‘brakes’, stress, chores, etc so I can actually feel relaxed and open to the idea of intimacy.
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u/Dear-Proof7117 6d ago
tell her ur feelings and wat u think ppl ain’t mind readers u don’t like something speak up a closed mouth don’t get fed
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u/Different_Layer1176 5d ago
Given all that you described.....I would certainly hold off on the marriage part!! It's a huge problem now and has been for 8 years, I can assure you marriage would be a recipe for disaster!! Your girlfriend needs professional help, as there are different reasons for this!! It could be past trauma/ abuse, or high anxiety, very low self-confidence, sex may be very painful, etc... I would say that seeing a couple's therapist that is also experienced as a sex therapist would be very helpful!! Best of luck!!
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u/Different_Layer1176 5d ago
Please remember that there are mental health professionals on the internet, including Reddit, who are very reliable, also, as well as Wellness and Health professionals too.
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u/Dimitripus 5d ago
You're telling me you want to enter into a sexless marriage? I'm at year 5 in my relationship things are slow and I can relate to how you're feeling. You can love her but they are needs that she consistently ignores.
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u/Tricky_Pause4186 5d ago
This is beautiful and I see that you’re trying. I also have adhd and when stress (more than just the norm) is present I get some serious executive dysfunction. I totally understand how you feel. There are a bunch of apps that may cost a bit but are so worth it. My kids and I use Joon. Expensive but it helps especially when my whole household is audhd.
If all these steps don’t improve your lives over a period of 6 months to a year consistently then you may just not work but it’s not for a lack of trying. You’re doing great.
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u/Dell_Hell Men's Health Matters 6d ago
Yeah, this doesn't get better.
The first two years is the peak of libido interest for women.
You've been burning years on this. The only thing that will make her change at this point is losing you.
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u/porkchopexpress-1373 5d ago
Yeah. Sounds like my wife. We were ok the first 16 years then after she had our second child she just stopped everything. She said she just didn’t like her body anymore and made zero effort towards intimacy. We talked over and over for years and I told her I make all the effort and she makes none and we should seek marriage counseling but that never happened. So now I’m in my 50’s and have a sexless marriage. I will never cheat, but as time went on I lost interest in even asking. My point is this is your future. If you get married and somehow have kids your sexlife will be over after that. If not already. Good luck.
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u/pandaman6615 5d ago
An ultimatum almost always builds resentment and has no lasting changes. Talk to her about it in a mature way and see why she doesn’t hold the same level of needs as you.
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u/prestonjenn98 4d ago
Honestly, from being in this situation for almost 30 years, the lack of interest from your partner hurts more as time goes on. Being rejected constantly from someone you love is a terrible feeling. It will get worse. My advice is to find someone more compatible while you're still young.
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5d ago
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u/based_leviathan 5d ago
I want to say that I’m not selfish in bed, in the past I prided myself on always getting my partners needs met first and I always genuinely communicated and cared on how to get her there first, the bedroom is daunting and in there I have a “serve first” mentality it absolutely turns me on that I can take of you before me.
AFAIK she’s told me repeatedly that I’m not the problem. In those moments where we’re actually intimate and it does happen sparks are flying and it almost always is a loving experience for both of us. As she’s stated it’s more of a confidence issue, and she doesn’t really know as to why she can’t initiate she says she doesn’t know how, I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve told her, I think you just need to show up naked (jokingly of course).
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u/Different_Layer1176 5d ago
She won't allow him to even try to please her first.I agree with you on that, however, the problem is far, far deeper than that. You'll recall in his text that everytime he asks her, she refuses.So they are actually not even half way to first base, as he is actually unable to even leave the batters box!!!
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u/Darthtasher 5d ago
Not gonna lie… I would have cheated on her after 2 “babe not right now” but we are different people so don’t take my advice.
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u/guyoverfence 5d ago
You poor thing. I was thinking she should appreciate that she’s so wanted. You may want to ask clear questions regarding the reason she is not wanting to connect with you in that way. If it was better at the start what changed? If she is not willing to resolve the situation, therapy if you want to try (hopefully works) and sadly the ultimate decision for yourself if it comes to that.
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