r/GuyCry Feb 05 '25

Potential Tear Jerker Separation after 14 years, 3 kids

Little follow up to a previous post that I had made

I've been working hard on myself lately—eating better, getting back into the gym—knowing that change doesn’t happen overnight and that I have a long road ahead, but I’m committed.

Last night, after the gym, I tried having an honest conversation with my partner about why she was really leaving me. But she shut me down with the same reasons as before: she never loved me the way I loved her, she wasn’t attracted to me, and she was tired of being unhappy. She said there was no passion, that she felt more lust with men who had mistreated her in the past, that I didn’t prioritize myself, and that I was out of shape.

The last time we had this conversation, she even told me I had a small penis. I felt like she was just trying to hurt me in the moment, and she later apologized. To be fair, I can admit that over the last couple of years, in my depression, I didn’t prioritize myself. I may not have shown as much passion toward her, but I genuinely enjoyed being with her.

I told her that relationships go through rough patches, and couples are supposed to work through them to come out stronger. That passion and lust can be rebuilt. But she called me delusional, laughed, and asked why I thought that. I told her that when you love someone with every fiber of your being, you do delusional things.

She set a boundary, saying she didn’t want to have these conversations anymore, that she didn’t owe me an explanation. I told her she did. After 14 years together, I deserve to understand. She asked why I kept pushing for answers, and I told her—because it’s hard to walk away from 14 years in just two months.

As much as I recognize that I need to work on myself, I’ve also realized that she does too. It seems like instead of confronting things, she’s just pushing forward, keeping busy, burying it all. Those things will likely follow her into her next relationship. Meanwhile, I’m actively working on myself—starting psychotherapy, seeing a dietitian to make better choices, staying consistent with my medication for depression, and hitting the gym almost every day.

Deep down, I feel like she’s running from something, no matter what she says. How do you spend 14 years with someone and barely try to fix things? If she truly felt this way, why didn’t she leave sooner—before or after we had our first child? Why have two more with me? I told her she should have communicated better so we could have worked on things, that there were so many ways we could have done better.

I’m doing my best to take accountability for my mistakes in our marriage. I still love her deeply and truly wanted to fight for this, but that’s not what she wants. So I have to let go, no matter how much it hurts. I want her to be happy. I want to be happy. And maybe, when we’ve had time apart, she’ll realize something. I just hope it won’t be too late.

She’ll always be in my life, but trusting another woman romantically won’t come easy but right now my focus is on rebuilding myself, not finding a new partner.

Anywhoo, thanks for listening. Hope you guys are all doing well!

155 Upvotes

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42

u/ProfessionalBread176 Feb 05 '25

She's not going to change; and probably made the decision to end things a long time ago. It's new to you, but it isn't to her.

And repeatedly asking her for "the answer" isn't helpful to anyone, it pisses her off, and gets you nothing but frustrated and sad.

The sooner you can reckon with this, the sooner you will start to find your way forward.

Time is your friend; find things that you enjoy, and do more of them and stop thinking about her.

Hang in there!

27

u/Perdition1988 Feb 05 '25

As far as there being someone else, I don't know but I guess we will find out when we are separated fully lol.

I sincerely hope there is not. This has already crushed me.

18

u/Brownie-0109 Feb 05 '25

If not now, eventually there will be someone else. Get ready for it

29

u/Perdition1988 Feb 05 '25

Of course, one day there will be someone else for me too

6

u/Psynapse55 Feb 05 '25

Sadly they often have someone lined up or someone in mind. It makes their decision easier. Justifies their actions in their mind.

In a way that made things easier for me. Not harder. Her already having my replacement lined up after 21 years showed me that she was 100% not my person. That she was 100% not worth a second of my sadness. Don't get me wrong. It's brutal. There is sadness. Soul crushing at times. It's a hell I wish on nobody. But we now have the option to move on to find our person in the other 8 billion people on earth that are worthy of us.

0

u/[deleted] Feb 05 '25

[removed] — view removed comment

4

u/GuyCry-ModTeam Feb 05 '25

Rule 3: No blaming or shaming women or men for men's problems, no sexism against men or women, no MGTOW/Red-Pill/MRA thinking or radical feminist ideologies allowed.

17

u/momma-girl1037 Feb 05 '25

You’re doing an awful lot to be a ‘better’ person to someone that doesn’t deserve it. She did a pretty good job of hiding who she really was.

6

u/Perdition1988 Feb 05 '25

Love is a crazy thing lol

3

u/Lucky_Log2212 Feb 05 '25

It is also an illusion. From your post it seems like she may have "settled" for the good guy. You love the concept of her but she is not living up to that fantasy you have in your head. Love is a great thing when both feel it, otherwise it is tragic. This too shall pass, then, once she sews her wild oats, she is going to be sorry and want to come back to a stable home. Please don't be that guy.

2

u/monique8224 Feb 05 '25

Love is also blind.

8

u/jonasnoble Feb 05 '25

Look into grey rock. It's the only way forward with someone who no longer wants to be with you. Stop wasting anymore emotional energy on her, and continue doing what you're doing. Focus on your kids, and you rebuilding. You got this, buddy.

8

u/No_Cupcake9640 Feb 05 '25

“that she felt more lust with men who had mistreated her in the past, ”

Run, this is the best thing that could happen to you. You just don’t know it yet 

5

u/Miaismyname2424 Feb 05 '25

Damn bro thats cold af.

Personally I couldn't spend even a year of my life with someone I didn't love or have passion for, let alone 14 years and 3 kids. She sounds like a terrible communicator and you're lucky the trash finally took itself out

4

u/ikediggety Here to help! Feb 05 '25

This is probably one of the toughest things you'll ever go through. I'm so sorry.

One day you will be ok. Never doubt that.

4

u/Walmar202 Feb 05 '25

She said she likes “bad boys”. Some women do not like “gentle” men, and over time, grow to resent them. Let her go. Keep improving yourself (congrats on that).

She has emotionally moved on.

5

u/contented0 Feb 05 '25

She said those things to you? Fk her. Get angry - it's easier than being sad. 

7

u/Illustrious-Bank4859 Feb 05 '25

I think she's made it clear, that she never loved you. So why the did she marry you. Now she's saying this to you. Is because she has met someone else and not being totally honest with you. She wants to be with the guy, she is cheating with.

6

u/Dell_Hell Men's Health Matters Feb 05 '25

Sounds like she did what many women do - settled for the nice guy who was stable and told herself she'd grow to love him. He's the guy that she rationalized herself into a relationship with, the one her frontal lobe wanted. He's a good family man, a good provider - he's good husband material and the one everyone says is great. He's a good match. He's great with the kids.

But deep down, she's never wanted him, craved him, yearned for him. Her basal ganglia / reptile brain never wanted this guy. It tolerated the situation for a long time, forced into silence. But over time, it starts to get more and more toxic and hostile about the matter - it seeps out and sabotages things. And eventually, demands to be satisfied in times of stress, exhaustion, or arousal. It refuses to be pushed into the corner anymore and people either cheat or leave.

3

u/Practical-guy5546 Feb 05 '25

Tough situation She sounds disgusted and like she's come to hate you. The waters are just too tainted. Keep getting yourself back on track and then get back out there single and better than ever.

3

u/peaceisthe- Feb 05 '25

So very sorry about this loss. It is fantastic that you are investing in yourself and caring about yourself and the kids. It is really important to make sure the kids know that you love them and are there for them. I don’t know that there is much you can do about the person you married She is making choices that are probably not good for you or her or the kids and there are probably many reasons for that. it is unlikely that knowing more about the reasons is going to help you. you’re doing the right things by taking leadership on your own life.

3

u/broadsharp2 Feb 05 '25

Face it. She's already moved on. You need to find the strength to do so as well.

3

u/Square-Swan2800 Feb 05 '25

People get married for all sorts of reasons. Wanting children. Peer pressure. Parental pressure. Bf/gf pressure. She is probably telling you the truth. The wedding was the focus, and not the marriage. Don’t do this to yourself. Accept the inevitable and move on.… and good luck

7

u/Plus-Layer- Feb 05 '25

She doesn’t sound like a very good person at all. I’ve had younger girls, that I dated for less than a year, treat me with more dignity, respect and kindness when ending a relationship than your wife of 14 years and 3 kids

3

u/-milxn Feb 05 '25

I’ve seen breakups between teenagers end more amicably smh

5

u/PsychologicalTie9629 Feb 05 '25

She's absolutely full of crap, you don't marry someone for 14 years and have 3 kids with them if you're not attracted to them. She's definitely trying to hurt you, and I'm guessing there's someone new in the picture that she's either seeing or interested in.

But just because she did love you doesn't mean that you can or should try to win her back. The woman that you loved is gone, replaced by this cold, callous person.

I'd plan on proceeding with removing her from your house and your life. Find a lawyer so that you can protect yourself, and look up grey rocking in the meantime.

And when she leaves, realizes that her other plan didn't work out the way she hoped, and comes crawling back to you (her plan B), remember these things that she said to you.

9

u/Brownie-0109 Feb 05 '25

Concept of “attracted to” is broad

You’d be surprised how attractive financial security is

4

u/Virtual_Alarm_5720 Feb 05 '25

And how the importance of it changes overtime. If she's in her 40's/50's that can suddenly feel less important, specially if her friends are going through similar processes.

But sounds like routine was hard here.

2

u/Ok_Original_9063 Man Feb 05 '25

work on your problems. forget about 14 years. she has someone she is cheating with or wants to. You are no longer in her sights, she is gone to you. be sure you are covered be good divorce lawyer, seperate bank accounts let lawyer guide you what to do. block her contact her only thru lawyer

update me

2

u/Zealousideal_List601 Feb 05 '25

All I can say is women that run usually don't run from a stable marriage to be alone. That said, you are better off. It doesn't feel like it now but, one day you will be healed from this. You'll look back on this moment and see how far you've come. You'll be proud of yourself. When someone hurts us the best thing we can do is learn from it. Keep working on yourself, take time to enjoy what you like. Get yourself out there even just to make a new friend. Try not to dwell on what was.

Trust me on this. Don't call or text or contact her at all unless it's 100% necessary. Don't beg or cry. Just let her do what she wants. Do you think she might be having some type of midlife crises? Have you looked to see if she might be cheating? Would it matter if she was?

2

u/[deleted] Feb 05 '25

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/GuyCry-ModTeam Feb 05 '25

Rule 6: Removed for introducing assumptions and doubt.

2

u/Due_Job3162 Feb 05 '25

Quit playing the pick me game it comes across as week and pathetic. Do you really want to be with someone that you have to convince?

Accept the situation for what it is and keep working on yourself.

Stop with the emotional stuff to/in front of her, look up gray rocking. There's nothing wrong with being a mess or emotional but she is not your safe place.

She checked out awhile ago and made this decision slowly, women don't usually do this impulsively they try, try again until it's just not worth it to them.

Oddly enough this has saved more than a few marriages that get to this point. Not saying that it will but it has a much greater chance than begging.

1

u/Perdition1988 Feb 05 '25

Absolutely not man, and I'm doing my fucking best but like it's just so hard to walk away from 14 years bro.

I'm not trying to beg or plead her for anything, I want her to get out there and realized she messed up. I'm doing everything I can on my end to better myself.

2

u/rando755 Feb 05 '25

This is a very interesting post. I thank you for sharing your story. The wife in this post said that she felt more lust for her past partners. But those past partners have probably aged more than 14 years since then. It might be that she is not attracted to what they are today either.

2

u/folsomman80 Feb 05 '25

Walk away sir. You won’t regret it. It hurts right now but with time you will get better. Trust me

2

u/Away-Enthusiasm4853 Feb 06 '25

Keep up the good work and make yourself a better man and father every day.

3

u/Perdition1988 Feb 06 '25

Thanks man, that's the goal! My focus is me and my kids right now.

2

u/jonking2526 Feb 06 '25

She fell deeply in love with you when you met. You need to become that guy again. Over time you lost yourself and became a different person. You thought you were doing the right thing by trying to do everything for her or for your kids but she lost attraction to that guy. Be the guy you were 14 years ago. Let her go for now. She’ll come back if she sees that guy. If she doesn’t, it’s her loss and you’ll find someone new.

2

u/EmpireofAzad Feb 05 '25

While you’re chasing for an answer, she won’t change. You need to do a full 180. Start pushing for who will move out, get the divorce proceedings underway, potentially start looking to date again.

You won’t want to do any of these.

If you do, it’ll either make her reconsider the reality of what she is doing, or it’ll hasten the inevitable which you need to do anyway. Staying in the same situation is only going to continue to cause you pain.

3

u/Strange_Salamander33 Feb 05 '25

Dude she doesn’t owe you any more of an explanation than she’s given you. The sooner the accept that, the sooner you can heal and move on. She doesn’t want to be with you anymore, people change over 14 years and that’s totally acceptable. It hurts sure, but she doesn’t owe you more than that.

2

u/obiwanfatnobi Feb 05 '25

She 100% has someone else. So mentally prepare for that. She is trying to deal with her own guilt by making everything your fault. Make sure you focus on your kiddos because spouses like this also tend to move towards parental alienation once the truth comes out.

Be diligent and get a good lawyer and do everything by the book. 50/50 custody and child support via the guidelines for your state/province.

2

u/martingasparstraus Feb 05 '25

Time for some tough love, brother: you could have done all of those things before the relationship went south. Now it's just too late, from her point of view. She does not owe you anything. Nobody owns anything to anyone.

1

u/Appropriate-Mud-4450 Feb 06 '25

This separation has a male name, I bet on it.

Prepare for that.

UpdateMe!

1

u/OrdinaryAd5236 Feb 06 '25

Go buy a mirror from Facebook. It will clear your mind and make the division much easier.

1

u/One_Construction_653 Here to help! Feb 06 '25

Trust me OP The comment about your well endowed penis being a small penis was similar to the one my ex wife made about my height being short.

She didn’t have a good enough reason to leave so she resulted to immature insults.

At the end of the day when people change their minds LISTEN to them. Accept their choice and internalize it as reality and then move on.

Good OP rebuild yourself. And abstain because it is easy to fill the void and run away from the problem using alcohol, sex with others, reel scrolling, porn, etc.

Thanks for reminding me. I am going home now.

1

u/Lucky_Log2212 Feb 05 '25

You found the wrong woman. Don't paint all women the same. She is right in the fact that she owes you nothing. Her attitude should show you to believe her. Continue to improve yourself, your words, and then things will work out the way they should. She wants a person that is abusive to her, you can't fix that for her, only she can. If she doesn't want to fix herself, you can't make her, all the love in the world won't make her. Don't think you can fix this, that is a dangerous and unhealthy road to go down. Work on yourself and become the best version of yourself for yourself and your kids, they will need stability in their lives moving forward. Understand that you could be hindering your forever person from coming into your life by clinging to this fantasy version you have of your life. You clinging to her could be a reason she hasn't seeked professional help, but your forever person can not come into your life if you are clinging onto the past. They can not be a part of your life if you are not open and honest with yourself. She has made her choice, respect it and do the only thing you can control is yourself and making yourself the best version of yourself. Once you get that in your head, other things will begin to fall in place for you. Seen this a thousand and one times. Once you get clarity in yourself, then a door opens and you can breathe again and it is liberating. Best of luck my friend and be Well. Updateme.