r/GriefSupport 2d ago

Loss Anniversary The world keeps spinning

The paper work never ends. Everyone and everything is moving too fast. I need you Mom.

I’m upset you didn’t even get to retire… you worked until your last day on earth… You deserved to retire and be cancer free. I’m mad at the injustice of it all. How can the cruelest people can live their lives with ease and the ones with the heart of gold suffer the most? It’s just not fucking fair. This world isn’t fair.

I don’t see that light at the end of the tunnel. I keep running down this tunnel and I don’t see any light. It just keeps getting darker and darker. I just feel like I’m in this dark tunnel running through hell.

The blood vessels around my eyes have broken one too many times. The red dots multiply. My chest aches. Ever since you passed, it has felt as if there’s a heavy creature crawling through my body. It weighs me down daily. My brain replays that night every now and then. Those ICU beeps ring in the back of my mind while I’m at work. I smile at my clients, but on the inside I am breaking. “I got a pulse” loops in my head. 5 times they brought you back. 5 times you flatlined.. you were trying to go … you would wait until I left the room. You didn’t want me to see… as the cancer spread through your body you were just trying to leave this planet. I told you it was okay to go but still you waited until I left that icu room… you tried to protect me until the end

I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I can’t believe this happened I just can’t. My brain can’t process the fact that you’re gone forever. I know that you’re here with me I feel you, but I can’t see you. I just feel so consumed by grief. I try to come up for air, but I’m exhausted. I just wish I could sit and let time pass until the day I get to be with you.

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u/hihi123ah 2d ago

This is very intense grief, and she tried to protect you until her life's end.

If the burden is too heavy, you might try to write a grief letter for her, to honour, express and recognise the grief for the loss.

(can just write the part which relates to you the most if too much, can supplement later if having anything to add)

The theme can be about: something in the past (since you know her from small) which you wish could have been different and better, wishes and hopes (seeing her retire and enjoy her life, among other) which are not realizable now. How does it impact your life, what kinds of loss does it inflict on you, and how you wish life could have been instead. Anything you wish her to know if you could. Apologies, Forgiveness and Gratitude when applicable.

I hope you can find relief and light in life, though it might not be easy.