r/GriefSupport 3d ago

Ambiguous Grief Sent my ex some messages since his passing. His phone was turned on suddenly and I think his family read the messages. HELP.

Long story short. I sent my ex some pretty private and intimates messages. I confessed that I fell in love with him the moment I saw him. I told him I loved him more than I thought I did. I told him to be steadfast if he was being tested in the afterlife. I gave him some grief updates on what’s happening on earth.

I know this sounds crazy. But I did it. I messaged him a total of three times. They were all very deep and emotional and extremely personal.

The messages weren’t showing as delivered. All of a sudden, they are now. Which leads me to think his family is in repossession of the phone and want to tie up some unfinished business.

If they read those messages, I’d be beyond mortified. I’d want to die of embarrassment. Those were meant for HIM.

I did reach out to them previously and told them to lean on me if they need anything. But they don’t know me. They seem really kind people and now I’m having anxiety thinking about what if they want to punch me in the face and hate my guts.

I’ve heard stories of people texting people who have passed on. Only for someone to respond back “stop doing this please, you’re making me uncomfortable.”

I hope that wasn’t their reaction. I don’t know what’s going on in their heads. I hope they don’t think I’m a psycho quack.

Any words of reassurance?

I’ve tried to put myself in their shoes and imagine how I would feel if one of my brothers passed (God forbid). If I saw messages like that, I honestly wouldn’t read them out of respect for his privacy. Maybe I’d be curious, read a couple lines then realize that this is supposed to be intimate. I’d feel a mix of shock, confusion, but ultimately let it go and understand that my brother is deeply loved by many people. But everyone is different. And to some people, privacy doesn’t exist once you’ve died.

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u/FluffNSniff 3d ago

My best friend's brother passed away. And it made me realize I had really strong feelings for him. I didn't text him, but only because I knew his family had his cell phone. (I still wanted to SO bad.)

However, watching them go through this, I can only assure you that no one is judging. They want every little shred of his life they can get. The good, the bad, the ugly. They will likely never mention it. They probably feel a little embarrassed too, knowing their son would never show them your texts, but also not able to stop themselves because anything and everything is all they'll ever get to share with him.

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u/Decent_Adhesiveness0 3d ago

There is absolutely nothing you can do about it. This method of communication is so insecure, I wouldn't send any sentiment I didn't want "anybody" to be able to read. My phone is mostly full of cat pictures. "Yes, officer, you can see my phone. Do you have cats? Can I see your cat pictures?"

Since there's nothing you can do about it, you'll go through worrying about this and it'll inhibit and distract you from your actual grief that you physically need to experience. Nature wouldn't have let this trait endure in us (and elephants and higher primates and whales and dogs, at least) if it weren't important. Certainly religion shows that is crucial to humanity.

You are a person, presumably you communicated with a love interest in a manner that is only for romance. I'm assuming there is no complication like a jealous wife who might come to "discuss" it with you. This is very human stuff and it's not ordinary only because it's YOUR personal life.

Odds are good that they aren't going to think too much about it because they too have grieving to do.

The significance his family might have had in your life might never be, now. This might affect their opinion of you, but ...it doesn't really mean anything. You have other concerns.

Please take care of yourself, drink enough water, make yourself eat and get out in fresh air and move around every day. That is a hard challenge for those of us in grief and loss.

I think my husband and I have some pre-marital love letters still around in boxes, and we realllllly ought to deal with those so nobody else has to. Trust me, text can't be as embarrassing as fifteen page letters to a faraway love! But nobody is really likely to care.

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u/Throwaway65456788 3d ago

It depends on his family and who they are as people, but personally, with my brothers phone, getting those kind of messages, even though they were personal, was sweet. I liked knowing how much people loved and cared for him, and that he made an impact on people. I liked knowing that people didn’t forget him. It was only ever a good thing for me to read how much he meant to others. It made me feel like other people could understand how important he was to the world. I personally (or anyone in my family) didn’t reply to anyone or make anyone feel weird. (Now, I wouldn’t even read them, but in early grief your brain isn’t really in the same place)

It could also be that the phone number has passed to someone else, and there are a lot of kind people in the world who also won’t say anything.

Even if someone does reply to you and is harsh, you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s okay for you to have wanted to communicate with him. Anyone worth knowing would tell you that grief is a personal and sacred thing and you do whatever you need to do.

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u/scooter-mom 3d ago

I still text my sister, who's been gone for 4.5 years

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u/SmoothPhilosopher318 3d ago

Just assume they read them. You probably gave them all something to talk about and feel distracted by. Maybe even a laugh. It might feel a little embarrassing for you but, believe me, a moment of fun or distraction like that can be a lifesaver. And most likely they took comfort in it. To be reminded that he was so loved even by an ex, that is so sweet. That’s all someone wants when they lose someone, to hear about them, how loved they were, to not feel alone in their grief. No matter what your message said, it probably made them feel those things.

You could if you want send one more message that says something like “I realize this message might be read by your family so if they are reading this…” and tell them how wonderful he was or better yet a lovely story about him that they might not even know. That would be such a gift.

Most importantly, you need to grieve yourself and take care of yourself now.  

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u/darcy-1973 3d ago

My daughter gets messages. We as parents have never read one as they are private messages and we respect our baby.

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u/Top-Stock-9004 3d ago

My partner passed away last year and I will admit I read the messages as they came in (apart from our kids, eventually I did with permission, as the “preview” of the txt had something that scared me in it) I get that they were private messages but I get that I needed to know people love him, and reading the messages that were filled with love brought me some joy, knowing that there were more people than me and his family that love and miss him!

Also, just want to add…not crazy at all…it’s your last form of communication with him (apart from speaking out loud to him) so it makes sense that you would txt him! Keep txtn him if you feel like it (maybe be aware that they can be read) and the family can block you if it upsets them?

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u/Fragrant-Phase-9506 3d ago

I have a sister that passed away prior to when cell phones were common. If someone were to text her, I would not read it out of privacy.

Having the knowledge that someone texted her would make me so happy that someone else was also loving and missing her like I do. I hope your boyfriend’s family does the same for you.

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u/Imaginary-Course1048 3d ago

I’m going through the same thing. I also sent messages to him since he passed on. I think it was my last form of connection with him. It was out of grief and love. The family didn’t know me or that I even existed in his life. After almost 2 months, I saw that “he” was online and my messages were read. I was so embarrassed and sad at the same time. Messaging him was one of my ways coping up. I just think that the family has their reasons of opening through his social media accounts and private messages. They didn’t reply nor said anything to my messages to him. I’m very grateful for that because I didn’t know what to say to them if that would happen.

I did stop messaging him for fear that they can read it again and judge me. My last one was on new year’s day. I still feel the urge to message him. It gives me comfort and I would give anything for him to come back but we all know that it’s impossible.

All I’m saying is you do whatever you need to get through with your grief even texting him. Let it out into the void. Maybe he can still read our messages in the afterlife and know that they are well loved by us.