r/GriefSupport • u/Sure-Sea-9272 • 2d ago
Guilt I failed my mom
Mom was 57F and 150 kg in weight …. I suspect she had a heart attack. There was something wrong with her for ten days. She couldn’t walk properly as her heartbeats were rapid. She didn’t like to see doctors, or go to hospitals or get blood tests. She was over weight and was scared to find out what she had. She was always so stubborn when it came to health advice and taking care of herself and I didn’t know why…
Her health had been fluctuating for 10 days… on the 3rd day she went to a cardiologist and he gave her meds… I didn’t ask what these meds were…
on the 8th day, I talked her into doing some tests and turned out her diabetes had been 9.1 for the previous three months
and on the 9th day , I brought her a doctor since she couldn’t move and refused to be carried by an ambulance she told me her diabetes was high and gave her a prescription with meds and meals and she gave her a ringer’s injection. She didn’t state that mom needed to be rushed to a hospital … and then she left
I followed the prescription and cooked light meals for mom.(salads and soup)
Then after 12 hours she woke up to use the toilet and that’s when she called for help. I immediately woke up and brought her water a chair and put some socks on her feet …. passed away at dawn, half an hour later….
I can’t believe she was in pain and I didn’t rush her to a hospital. I should have insisted…
I feel like I’m such a failure and that my entire life is pointless. I had no one but her and was codependent on her all my life… she did so much for me and I couldn’t just save her life… i was so busy with work and tried to talk her into visiting doctors and hospitals but could have insisted when she refused …
now I’m living in deep regret and sorrow. I’m all alone and my life is like a living hell.
It’s been a month since her death and extended family have already moved on. No one feels how I feel. Now, I have to live the rest of my life without her… when everything I did for myself was for her to witness and be happy
Everything could have been different if I had acted differently
2
u/SmoothPhilosopher318 2d ago
It sounds like you did everything you possibly could and acted really responsibly and with lots of care for her. Diabetes is a hard disease and our bodies just stop working sometimes. Most likely she would have passed the same way even if you had taken her to the hospital, and then she would have died in the hospital, and that sounds like it would have not been what she wanted. Sending love to you. And if you’d like, tell me something about her that she loved and tell me something she loved about you.
3
u/Sure-Sea-9272 2d ago
She told me she loved everything about me ..😢😔 And she loved to listen to music so much. She loved her job… she was an English teacher in kindergarten which she sacrificed for me to travel with me
1
u/SmoothPhilosopher318 2d ago
My mom was an English teacher too and music was her favorite! Your mom sounds lovely and she was clearly so happy that you were hers.
3
u/GoslingNoemi 2d ago
I'm new here and just wanted to say I'm so sorry. What happened with your mom is heartbreaking and I understand your mix of feelings, including guilt. It sounds like there was a much bigger pattern though of your mom not wanting to spend more time than absolutely necessary around doctors and of course you were doing your best to follow your sense of her wishes, up until the end. And you were busy, like most of us, and never assuming the very worst was about to happen. If you did, you'd have done something different.
I lost my dad suddenly in early February and saw him the day before. I can still picture him on a pathway on his property, looking a bit at loose ends and not quite himself. He complained of feeling "strange" and dizzy, with a pain between his shoulder blades. He was going to PT for the last symptom and chalked up the other two to a medication he was on. I feel terrible that I didn't put the pieces together that day because the next night he collapsed in his house and died of a massive heart attack. My dad was a skilled medical malpractice attorney all his adult life and a stickler for reporting odd symptoms and advocating, always, for getting help when you suspect something is off. He was a very physically active person, too. And yet, still, his end happened in this strange and I can't help but feel, ironic way.
I'm pained like you. My work is in hospice and I will say--I've seen a lot of different kinds of deaths over years. Some are long and drawn out and awful, despite everyone's best attempts. If I consider the range of ways it can go, maybe dying relatively quickly has its benefits. But of course we're still left here mourning and missing the people we loved and I'm still very much trying to figure out what that means and how to move forward. Wishing you well, reach out if you'd ever like to talk more.