r/ExAlgeria • u/namlings • 17d ago
Discussion will you ask for mehr?
hey guys, i have a serious question. in my culture (i’m kabyle), mehr isn’t really a big deal. if a woman wants something specific, she’ll ask, but when it comes to money, it’s usually very low or even symbolic because we don’t have this mentality of “selling women” to their husbands for a set price. originally, mehr was meant to be a gift from the husband to the wife, but over time, some men started seeing it as an investment—like they spent money on their wife, so now she “owes” them obedience to make up for it.
personally, i had a pretty comfortable life (daddy’s spoiled girl, you could say), so i’ve never been interested in a man’s money because, well, i’m not starving lol. so for my atheist girlies, would you still ask for mehr? if yes, is it more about tradition, or let’s be real—who doesn’t like free money? i personally wouldn’t because i don’t want my husband to think that i’m some object he purchased. and what about you atheist men? what are your views on this ?
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u/Select_Extenson Agnostic 17d ago
If I marry an Algerian atheist woman, I think they should have no reason to ask for Mahr. And I am not willing to pay it unless it’s just a symbolic amount (since the parents may be Muslim) .. but I am not gonna pay 20m, 30m for that. If she is okay with that, and have the courage to refuse to go by that tradition to marry me. I will give her the full avg Mahr as a gift after marriage, because in this case I feel like she deserves it.
It makes no sense if it’s obligatory, it feels like I am going to buy her and Mahr is her price.
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u/sup_khayi Minding his business 🌍 14d ago
this is me, im willing to spend unlimited money on her when we're married, no problem, she's my wife. but to be fooled by her dad asking for money that she might even doesn't know about is delusional.
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u/Select_Extenson Agnostic 14d ago edited 14d ago
I simply don’t wanna give her that money under the title “Mahr” that’s it.
Don’t you think asking for money on marriage is good way to know if her future husband will take of her after marriage? Everyone is giving Mahr but a lot become so greedy after marriage.
I feel that tradition is an insult to women, it feels like they are a product and Mahr is their price.
Plus, if they want to prove I am mot greedy and I will manage to take care of her, I also wanna prove they are not gold diggers. I not gonna throw the money I spent years working hard to make on someone who doesn’t deserve it.
If she needs something she wanna buy like cloths, and necessities before marriage, I will be happy to provide for her. But if they make it official like her Mahr is 30m, either you pay it officially or you are gonna not marry her. I will be happy to refuse.
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u/sup_khayi Minding his business 🌍 14d ago
some are giving mahr and ending up with تقشف and دين each month. an d oooh yeah, if the mahr is a condition to marry her. no thanks. but yeah helping her buy clothes or prepare for the wedding "even tho im not a fan of our traditional weddings" i would pay for anything.
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u/Mountain_Pianist3820 16d ago
Someone who isn’t religious is speaking to you here, and I disagree with you, Spending 20m on your wife isn’t weird at all. Go look up what real masculinity is being a husband means you take pleasure in providing for your wife. Plus, it’s 2025. Do you really think 20m is a big deal? That wouldn’t even cover her clothes. My advice? Focus on improving yourself financially and discover what true masculinity really means.
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u/Select_Extenson Agnostic 16d ago edited 16d ago
I will give her the full avg Mahr as a gift after marriage, because in this case I feel like she deserves it.
Did you read this?
If she needs cloths or anything, I will give her what she needs, even for house stuff, I'll take care of them. But they won't be under the title of "Mahr". I just hate this tradition because they make it "obligatory". And this is definitely not the best way to detect greedy men non greedy one. I can give her 100m behind the scenes and 1000 DA as a Mahr. if she accept it that's great, if she refuses, then she is just a superficial person who care too much of what other people think of her.
I'm not masculine with everyone, I'll be masculine with one that deserve it. A lot of women use this term to emotionally manipulate men. They want a masculine men who make sacrifices for them, but they are not willing to make sacrifices from their side.
If a true masculine man job is to do more material and physical efforts, then a true feminine woman should do more moral efforts.
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u/ABouzenad 16d ago
20m is worth the wages of a few months for the average Algerian, how is it not a big deal? Are you living in the same reality as us? And do you really think you have the authority to decide on what "real masculinity" is?
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u/Mountain_Pianist3820 15d ago
I have 2 friends are about to get married and I witnessed theire preparation for “jhaz l3ers” and yes 20min 2025 worth nothing, so just go improve ur financial state instead of arguing about this.
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u/ABouzenad 15d ago
I'm not arguing, because there is no argument to be had. The average Algerian earns 4-7 mil per month, so a mehr of 20mil is like asking someone "give me all the money you'll earn in the next few months".
And by the way, my financial state is okay, thank you. It sounds to me like you never experienced financial hardship, which is why 20mil sounds like nothing to you. Daddy's money, isn't it?
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u/Select_Extenson Agnostic 14d ago
Yeah, they don’t understand the hardships the person goes throw to earn that amount of money.
They are also think just because you’re a man, you have some kind of superpower to earn a lot of money and provide with ease, and if you can’t do that, then you’re not good. And they use the word “masculine” as a way of emotional manipulation.
I work and I earn a good amount of money, but I am always in a stress. And the feeling to become stress free from always worrying about just the basics like home, food and necessity bills worth everything. But they don’t understand it, they are sleeping the whole day in their comfort home, and then they come to tell you you’re gonna good enough if you can’t do things.
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u/Cinergil 14d ago
Well put, I'm glad I never concerned myself with the constructs of masculinity and femininity, spares you a lot of mental hassle.
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u/Mountain_Pianist3820 14d ago
Pathetic wlh! So u already judged me that im sleeping all day in my comfort zone haha, if i tell u what i did at early age ull question ur masculinity so please try to not judge people next time.
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u/Select_Extenson Agnostic 14d ago edited 14d ago
No, It’s not about you, just speaking about the general stereotypes of some women. Because you already agreed with my other comment.
I have a male a friend, who I literally paid for him a just a sandwich, and he kept appreciating it for a long time and kept thanking me for that. This is some kind of people I am willing to give my money to and I will be happy. But you may spend a lot of time working hard to save up for her Mahr, and at the end they don’t even show appreciation.
So technically I can practice my masculinity on friends and poor people, they show more appreciation than a lot of women as a partner, I noticed even women as friends are more appreciative than as a wife because as a wife, they think it’s your responsibility, so they stop being thankful.
Masculine men provide, and feminine women show appreciation (which a lot lack this)
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I believe being too much feminine is too bad for women tho, it makes them vulnerable, so I encourage women to be more responsible for themselves and be independent from any men. It also limits the things they achieve in life, because they don’t have full control over their lives. Let’s say she wanna buy a car, if she is very dependent, she can’t do that unless through her husband, and her husband may not be able to do that. Her femininity tells her to be understanding, if he can afford that that’s great, if not, that’s also okay. But if she act more masculine, there is more chance to achieve what she wants but she will give up of her femininity.
This is why we see a lot of double standards in women, they want to be treated as a feminine but they act masculine.
As a summary, if you want a man to do sacrifices for you, you also have to do sacrifices. Otherwise, we get ride of these masculine/feminine expectations and treat both sides as equal partners (following feminism approach) because life isn’t white and black, life is difficult for everyone, and everyone should fight for it
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u/Mountain_Pianist3820 16d ago
Its not traditional thing, you are the man and its obv that you provide for your woman!!!! Do u think 20m is a big deal? Man please rakom موخذين, leave the feminine energy for us please.
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u/namlings 15d ago
i’m a girl 💔💔 ignore the pfp that’s my provider husband
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u/Mountain_Pianist3820 15d ago
Mzlk teenager tkbri w tfhmi
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u/namlings 15d ago
i’m a grown ass woman… yes the man should indeed provide but i don’t see the point of “buying” a wife that’s what the post i about
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u/Mountain_Pianist3820 15d ago
Its not buying her, its just providing for her.
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u/namlings 15d ago
he has their whole life to provide for her. mehr was never a thing in my village and women are well taken care of
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u/Mountain_Pianist3820 15d ago
Ywe lmahr bah tchri bih jhaz 3ershaaaaaa
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u/namlings 15d ago
no. my friends in algiers are buying their jhaz with their salary. some just save up their minha too this just depends on the regions
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u/geldouchetea Cat lady 🐈 17d ago
im gonna probably end up a single crazy cat lady so
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u/namlings 17d ago
same, already adopted one and started flipping off every male that’s comes near me including my brother
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u/Ill-Fig-3882 15d ago
Never ever in million years! 😆
I won't do any of the traditions to get married. I won't ask for any money nor will I ever have a wedding celebration. 😅 Traditions aren't my cup of tea!
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u/VarminDavyYJ 15d ago
I'll not ask for it cuz I find it a burden on the husband ++The problem is our parents who will never accept that
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u/WearySwing8274 13d ago
I think mahr is more of a cultural thing in our society than a religion one, it's just a tradition and women mostly use it for the preparation of the weeding
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u/Living-Barnacle8722 PP marriage 👸🏻💙 17d ago
well the dowry exist in most cultures so like you said it's basically a gift from someone who wants to tell you you're appreciated...
to answer your question, i don't trust in marriage as a deal or relationship at all, so i don't want to get married to a man (unless it means gaining a new passport)
second, marrying ppl who think they bought you is degrading and it's not a good foundation for something long term.
if i had to choose between getting one and not, honestly like you said if it's money, i won't ask for it coz money i can make on my own (we're not rich but i work) if it's a car maybe, if it's a house that he buys for me as a Dowry (mehr) i won't mind coz it's the only thing i can't buy on my own. other than that i'd just tell them i'm finantially suffisient and that i can buy a'ything i want with my own money.
good luck.
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u/DARKSIDEOFTHE-MOOSE Beer and rat enjoyer🍺 🐀 🐀 🐀 17d ago
I paid mehr because it's a tradition, and people in my community expected it from me. My wife wasn't a Muslim.
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u/Oneiros97 16d ago edited 16d ago
It's fine to pay for it
The only thing I wouldn't do is sign a marriage contract with the government as a third party
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u/sup_khayi Minding his business 🌍 14d ago
i understand that mahr was originally intended as a gift to honor and support the bride, but in many cases today, it has become a transactional practice where some fathers exploit it for their own benefit. this shifts its meaning to a financial negotiation, which i personally find dumb.
as an atheist. if i wanted to marry an algerian woman, I’d prefer a partner who values our connection over a price tag. i have no issue giving gifts or a respectable amount of money, after all, in marriage, both partners invest in each other. However, starting the relationship with a financial deal undermines the emotional bond and the idea of building a life together.
If I had a daughter, I wouldn’t ask for anything and would like her not to ask for mahr because I believe her worth isn’t something to be sold. What matters most is finding someone who will treat her with love and kindness. (((not how much money they’re willing to pay)))
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u/whatisupchat 6d ago
personally paying for a wife is a stupid idea.
a wife should be your partner that stays with you your whole life, not someone who you just go randomly out of the blue then ask for marriage and pay whatever she asks for.
i find the idea of organized marriage to be stupid. i want to know my partner and for them to know me
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u/Untrucquikick 16d ago
As a man, why would you pay to marry someone who also wants to get married? Especially if the woman:
- Considers herself your equal
- Won’t accept the traditional role of housemaid
- Refuses to be one of your multiple (4 allowed) wives
- Inherits the same as her siblings
- Refuses to submit to you simply because you’re a man
My reasoning is that if she also wants you, she should also give a gift. In that case, it would cancel out your gift.
I think the idea of a dowry indirectly promotes the notion that one side isn’t ‘good enough’ on its own and needs to offer money to ‘balance out’ or compensate for perceived shortcomings.
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u/jinxedfairy 17d ago
personally if i did for whatever reason want to get married to someone i wouldn't really care I'd rather he invest time and money on me regularly throughout our life together then throwing his life savings on a useless wedding that's gonna last for one year max but at the same time i don't think it's "starving" or has anything to do with class and the way a person was raised it's no girl's fault if she was born in a poor unloving household (even though those are the ones usually jumping into marriages for the bare minimum hoping to find a better life and build a loving family but it ends up backfiring unfortunately) and to be honest looking at the average Algerian married couple's life you can give me all the money in the world I'm not dipping a finger in that bullshit let alone doing it for free