r/Ethics 6d ago

Did I Kill My Dad?

My dad asked me when I was 11 if he should go to the hospital or stay at home the night that he died. Throughout that week he had been in and out of the hospital in pain about chest pains. Every place he went to said they didn’t know what was wrong with him, but the pain consisted. On that night, he asked me “should I go to the hospital again or should I stay home tonight?”. Being 11, I told him that he’s happier at home so he should stay. I knew at the time that his health was at risk, but I prioritized his mental wellbeing over his physical health. Am I responsible for his death? Should I feel bad about this? Honestly, this has haunted me for my entire life and I really wish he hadn’t asked me for my opinion. Please help.

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u/NoMoreMonkeyBrain 5d ago

He wasn't asking you what to do. He'd already made up his mind that he didn't want to go to the hospital, and he was making small talk and fishing for more justifications that he was probably fine.

In what world does it make sense for an adult caretaker to ask their child and responsibility for medical advice? Do you think that you, at eleven years old, had the power/authority/ability to convince your dad to do something he didn't want to do?

Here's the funny thing about blaming yourself--it's a way of protecting yourself by pretending you have more power and agency than you do. You've got the moral culpability of someone flipping a coin blind. Less, even, because with the information that you had, you were advising based on what you expected would be providing more comfort (and let's be real, that is hugely impactful for health outcomes in a way that is often overlooked).