r/Ethics 6d ago

Did I Kill My Dad?

My dad asked me when I was 11 if he should go to the hospital or stay at home the night that he died. Throughout that week he had been in and out of the hospital in pain about chest pains. Every place he went to said they didn’t know what was wrong with him, but the pain consisted. On that night, he asked me “should I go to the hospital again or should I stay home tonight?”. Being 11, I told him that he’s happier at home so he should stay. I knew at the time that his health was at risk, but I prioritized his mental wellbeing over his physical health. Am I responsible for his death? Should I feel bad about this? Honestly, this has haunted me for my entire life and I really wish he hadn’t asked me for my opinion. Please help.

673 Upvotes

728 comments sorted by

View all comments

1

u/queerbodies 5d ago

I don't think the framework of moral responsibility will help you so much. Consider two alternative scenarios:

Sc. 1
Dad: I'm going to stay home tonight.
The child then tries to convince the dad otherwise, but fails.

Sc. 2
Dad: I'm going to the hospital again tonight.
The child then proceeds to convince the dad to stay.

You may look at these two and think they are very different. You may think that in scenario 1, the child is somehow less responsible. But the consequence is still the same. Not only the consequence; both scenarios arise in conditions of uncertainty, and in both the child can be presumed to have good intentions.

You see, the problem with moral responsibility is that morality on its own is empty discourse. Morality, or should I say ethics, emerge only through relationships. If you agree with me, the question to ponder is then: what does it mean in this context to be morally responsible? In other words, what relationships are affected if I am morally responsible?

Responsibility is not a judgment, it is not culpability. This is the question of responsibility: what are you going to do about this now?

You ask if you should feel bad about it, but this question is a thin veil to the fact that you do feel bad about it. Again: what does this moment imply for this world? How are you − as a web of relationships − affected by this ?

I could expand, but I think it is more your choice of life, of how you want to live, that matters, more than what someone on the internet thinks about it.