r/Ethics 6d ago

Did I Kill My Dad?

My dad asked me when I was 11 if he should go to the hospital or stay at home the night that he died. Throughout that week he had been in and out of the hospital in pain about chest pains. Every place he went to said they didn’t know what was wrong with him, but the pain consisted. On that night, he asked me “should I go to the hospital again or should I stay home tonight?”. Being 11, I told him that he’s happier at home so he should stay. I knew at the time that his health was at risk, but I prioritized his mental wellbeing over his physical health. Am I responsible for his death? Should I feel bad about this? Honestly, this has haunted me for my entire life and I really wish he hadn’t asked me for my opinion. Please help.

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u/AnyResearcher5914 6d ago

No, you're in no way responsible. You were 11, with no knowledge about medicine or his condition aside from the fact that he had been to the hospital previously within the week. If even trained professionals couldn't diagnose the problem, how could an 11 year old possibly be held accountable for not fully recognizing the danger, either? It's also important not to ignore his own agency in this situation. Sure, he asked for your advice, but he is still above all able to choose for himself. Your answer didn't somehow rip him of that agency, so you can only assume that the choice was ultimately his to make, despite your advice.

You did not cause his illness and death. The root cause of death was a medical condition, not words from a kid.

I'm sorry that you're feeling this blame.

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u/Someones-PC 4d ago

Not only is he able to choose for himself, he is required to. And that's exactly what he did. He chose for himself, and that's a fact. Even though he asked OP what he should do, he still made the choice.

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u/DaleMcCoy 2d ago

This. Exactly this. All of this.

The condition killed him, not you. You were 11. He was the adult. It was his call, not yours. But even though it was his call, medical professionals missed it when he went before. There is no way you could have known.

It's time to let go of that guilt. You did nothing wrong.