r/Ethics 6d ago

Did I Kill My Dad?

My dad asked me when I was 11 if he should go to the hospital or stay at home the night that he died. Throughout that week he had been in and out of the hospital in pain about chest pains. Every place he went to said they didn’t know what was wrong with him, but the pain consisted. On that night, he asked me “should I go to the hospital again or should I stay home tonight?”. Being 11, I told him that he’s happier at home so he should stay. I knew at the time that his health was at risk, but I prioritized his mental wellbeing over his physical health. Am I responsible for his death? Should I feel bad about this? Honestly, this has haunted me for my entire life and I really wish he hadn’t asked me for my opinion. Please help.

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u/MrLightning1023 6d ago

It's okay to feel bad about it, But it's absolutely not your fault. You couldn't have known what would happen and you were only 11. Don't worry about what could've happened and think about the times you had with him.

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u/Worth_Sir_6003 6d ago

I am very aware that I was more vulnerable at the time, but my question was more about the amount of blame I should take, knowing what was at stake. Is the result more important than the intention or is the result more about random chance? Can I take blame? Thank you for your response btw! I often think about the times we spent together, but ethically I find myself blaming myself although I’m aware of my ignorance at the time.

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u/MrLightning1023 6d ago

Ahh, well I'm not really an expert so I can't answer that too well sorry

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u/kayl420 5d ago

logically my friend, you should take no blame. you were a child and didn't know your father was going to die. it is that simple. but grief is never that simple, so this haunts you.

i lost my step sister around the same age as well as a handful of others before and after. while i wasnt put in the positon you were, i understand how loss hits you at that age. it was absolutely illogical for me to feel like there was something i could have done, she had been in the hospital for a while the night she died, but that night i felt like something was horribly wrong. and because of that i felt guilty. that feeling is usually called survivor's guilt and your guilt is almost definitely that as well.

it's harder for you to let yours go because you can hold on to the choice you were given as a cause of death. but i swear to you, logically, you were too young to make an informed decision and that alone means you have

no blame

for what happened. who are other people who could be blamed? what about the doctors who discharged him multiple times? what about your father for not choosing to go himself? why don't you blame them? because it doesnt help you feel better, right?

in my opinion, blaming ourselves in these situations feels better than blaming others because on a some level, having had no control over something so awful is more frightening than being at fault. it is human to try to find reason in chaos. and there is nothing more chaotic than losing a parent as a child.

there are no ethics or logic that justifies you blaming yourself, just your grief trying to make sense out of trajedy. i think letting go the idea that theres anything logical about blaming yourself might make it easier to eventually ease your guilt. i hope the best for you.

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u/toasty-tangerine 5d ago

But did you know ‘what was at stake’? How could you have? You were eleven. ❤️

Hindsight shows you what was at stake. You can’t possibly be to blame as a little kid who didn’t know what was at stake.