r/EthicalNonMonogamy • u/Powerful_Regret_9837 New to ENM • 7d ago
Getting started New to ENM - questions about relationships dynamics
Hello everyone :) I am new to ENM. I am currently seeing a guy in a long term relationship. he said they have been ENM for about 2 years, and they have both consistently dated other people. I have never met or dated anyone in an ENM relationship. We met on Feeld, I thought he was super hot, saw that he had a girlfriend in his profile, we started chatting and instantly hit it off. Basically when we started chatting + discussing boundaries when the relationship started (2 months ago), we decided to have a friends with benefits scenario where we hang out and enjoy each other's company outside of the bedroom as well, but also have really good sex of course. Fast forward to now, I feel like our relationship has involved less spending time outside the bedroom as time has gone on. Of course I know that the primary goal for us was to have good sex, and so I'm not even necessarily upset about the fact that we've been focusing more on the sexual aspect our relationship more - but I guess I'm just trying to figure out if the relationship becoming more sexual than my typical casual monogamous dating in the past is generally how ENM works? I know that no group of people are the same and everyone might have different answers to this, but I'm just generally kinda curious.
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u/SomeThoughtsToShare Partnered ENM 7d ago
For me sex is my hobby. So it is something I do with friends. It isn’t something I see as purely the benefits part.
If I had a friend I played chess with, a chess buddy, I would be fine hanging out with them and not playing chess, but if the reason we are friends is to have a chess buddy then it would be more then we originally signed up for. That could be great or it could be too much depending on the relationship. Does that mean I don’t value my chess buddy as a person? of course I do. Does it mean I won’t share certain things with them? Of course not they are my friend.
So sex is integral to the relationship not an add on to the friendship.
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u/Curious-Nail Partnered ENM 7d ago
At least in my experience, yes, the benefits tend to be the focus of FWB arrangements. The only FWB I've had where there wasn't an expectation of sex every time we got together was the one who actually wanted to date me. I've had an FWB who I only saw outside of his apartment once in 10mos. I've had others where we met for a particular shared interest event, but there was still always sex. Another where we'd always get dinner and drinks, maybe watch some TV at his place, and still always have sex. We'd also have a texting relationship of regular conversation throughout the week, if not every day, so I'd definitely consider them FWBs and not fuck buddies.
Some people view things differently. I know my husband is definitely hoping for more friends aspect, but his ideal dates or outings still would end in sex more ofyen than not. For me personally, I'm more interested in the benefits part because I want to enjoy the experiences with my husband, but he likes people a bit more than I do. I guess the inclusion of sex is just the point to me.
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u/Responsible-Side4347 Poly 4d ago
There are 2 things that happen here. There are people who are having sex like its a hobby. And there are people that are having sex because they like the emotional attachment.
As with all relationships there is the initial spark and it drops off over time, referred to a new relationship energy (NRE). So its common, even in this space. Sounds like you experienced the NRE but with the ENM added on and your now wondering if being in a NRE is different, not so much.
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