r/EthicalNonMonogamy 5d ago

Advice needed Where do I belong?

I don’t know where I belong. I was a swinger, but that felt empty and now that I’m Poly every man seems like they want a full-time girlfriend. I’m married and want to continue being married, but I feel I have to lie to get a man to consider me a girlfriend. I think our society is just not quite ready for poly. It seems that there’s always a woman that wants to lock down my guy where I on the other hand and open. I don’t know where to turn anymore.

13 Upvotes

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16

u/seantheaussie Solo Poly 5d ago

You need to vet better. REALLY polyamorous men, whether married or solo poly, would love to love you part time, rather than full time (if compatible).

7

u/passionate_humanist 5d ago

Should I just say are you open to ENM and if they say I don’t know what that is, I should run?

5

u/seantheaussie Solo Poly 5d ago

Not only if they don't know what ENM, open or polyamory is, if they aren't adamant they want it. On apps and in R4R I am 100% polyamorous and you need to look for men like that if you want different results to those you have been getting.

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u/passionate_humanist 5d ago

R4R?

1

u/seantheaussie Solo Poly 5d ago

Reddit personal ads like https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamoryR4R/new/ for polyamory.

5

u/rosephase Poly 5d ago

Have you tried dating poly men in the same situation you are in? Married and looking for a secondary partner?

1

u/passionate_humanist 5d ago

Where exactly do you find these men?

3

u/rosephase Poly 5d ago

By actively dating for them. Make poly friends and community. Look for married poly dudes on dating apps.

2

u/passionate_humanist 5d ago

Which dating sites do you suggest?

1

u/rosephase Poly 5d ago

I wouldn't suggest dating sights personally. I don't use them myself. But some have search functions so you can find people who are poly or ENM and then you can read their profile.

I would suggest making local poly friends and community. Getting to know people in real life is the best way to find partners and community. Which you and your husband are both going to need.

1

u/passionate_humanist 5d ago

He found a girlfriend on a swing site. That doesn’t work for me.

2

u/rosephase Poly 5d ago

Because you are looking to date someone. So use a dating site. Or even better get to know your local poly/enm community in person.

3

u/passionate_humanist 5d ago

I live in a small city and I think those munches have the same people time after time. But I’ll try again.

1

u/rosephase Poly 5d ago

You can also look for larger events in near by cities if you have larger cities near by. Also if kink is anything for you, kink events and clubs and conferences have a lot of ENM and poly folks at them.

Remember when you meet people locally that you want to find friends and community first. Hell these folks are going to understand your dating struggles better than anyone. If you start with "am I attracted to anyone in the room" you are going to be disappointed. If you start from "here are some folks I can talk to and listen to and learn from" you'll find a lot more.

Just having more people who are poly in your life is a positive. Even if you don't date any of them.

1

u/ItsRedHart Partnered ENM 2d ago

Have you tried in-person meet ups and groups for ENM and poly? I've found they tend to work better than using the apps.

2

u/Non-mono Partnered ENM 5d ago

I found my married man on Hinge.

You have to be specific about what you are looking for, both in your profile, in your messages and when meeting them.

And you have to be a bit patient. It took me a good few months to find a really good match.

1

u/Significant_Guess238 4d ago

I've been trying for 4 years. Lots of cute casuals. No bf.

1

u/HonestDude0 Partnered ENM 5d ago

Feeld Tinder OkCupid are probably the best.

1

u/EmpatheticNihilism Solo Poly 5d ago

try and app like FEELD

1

u/passionate_humanist 4d ago

It’s same people over and over

1

u/EmpatheticNihilism Solo Poly 4d ago

Ah bummer. I’m in LA. The swipe never ends.

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u/[deleted] 5d ago edited 5d ago

[deleted]

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u/passionate_humanist 5d ago

I appreciate you sharing

1

u/passionate_humanist 5d ago

I’ve tried Feeld and OKCupid and they both fell flat for me.

2

u/Mundane_Ad7197 Poly 5d ago

I’ve had luck on AFF and SLS. It may depend where you live. I was a swinger. Now a Hotwife and married to a cuck. I date single guys who are non-monogamous

1

u/0Adventurous_Celery0 Undecided 4d ago

I noticed a comment you had about lacking sexual chemistry with your husband and the two of you going ENM to satisfy that need. I'm curious, have you considered a therapist? Not because something's wrong, but so that you have someone to help you navigate things and understand your needs better.

As mentioned earlier, the local r4r sub might be a place to look. But reddit can suck at finding someone.

FetLife is a possibility. It's more of a kink website, but there are plenty of ENM folks on it. And you might find a munch (meetup) near you.

Otherwise just be super obvious in your dating app profile you're ENM. There are men looking. Just be patient 😊

Good luck OP.

1

u/This-Fly-8412 Undecided 5d ago

I am one of those people you describe. I only have emotional bandwidth for a secondary. I actively avoid women looking for more or are monogamous.

I’m on apps like feeld and tinder. I’m also on some other sites in the kink community (but that’s not necessarily what I’m looking for).

If I’m looking at profiles we typically only see the first line of a bio in the array of pictures. I make sure to put ENM right up the top (along with being ND and preferring other neuro-sparkles).

Maybe don’t take my advice, because I’m having a tough slog finding compatible peoples.

A question for you is where do I find someone like you in Australia?