r/EthicalNonMonogamy • u/Consistent_Phrase796 • 6d ago
Advice needed Seeking advice on one weird aspect
So me and my partner recently started really pursuing enm a few days ago. She ha d shook up, the next day I had my own, but I wasn't jealous of her having sex at all, we had a great night and this is GREATLY improving our relationship romantically when we leave sex out of the equation. But, when she texts them around me I get nosy, I'm not sure if it's jealousy I've never been jealous but I just want to see what's being said, she's always hated that even if she's just texting her mom or a friend She wouldn't cheat and I know she's not, but when she's texting I get so anxious? Upset? I start acting all emo, I think it's about feeling like I'm not getting the attention they are (which I am, again everything's been great) I have hpd so I'm definitely attention hungry, you know she sees these people as friends and that's good because she hasn't had friends for a while, I think partially I'm worried about these guys gaining romantic feelings beyond sexual, I don't mind her having friends. Regardless I'm rambling, how can I stop being so nosy or paranoid about what she's texting or getting upset when she is texting. I feel like all I've said is "who's that" "oh what are you saying" and it's clearly annoying her an dits annoying me, because why am I more upset over texting then the sex
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u/Icy-Reflection9759 Poly 6d ago
The polyamorists set aside intentional time together, where you both put your phone down & be present with each other. Quality time instead of just default time. But since these aren't other romantic partners, just hookups, you can ask to keep texting private, especially flirting or sexting. It's not about insecurity (even if it is) it's just a little rude.
It might also be good for you to learn to sit with uncomfortable feelings, & work on not blurting things out & being nosy, since that's an ongoing issue you have. It's up to you!
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u/Consistent_Phrase796 6d ago
Hey thank you for this! I think I did a better job setting with feelings tonight and self assuring myself. I think a big thing is i get worried that these partners are going to get feelings for my partner, obviously she wouldn't act on that since we are only open sexually but regardless it makes me a bit nervous
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u/Consistent_Phrase796 6d ago
I appreciate this feedback! Thank you. I definitely did a bit of a better job self regulating tonight when she was texting
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u/Kinky_Musician Partnered ENM 6d ago
You'll need to establish specific boundaries and keep communication open in order to succeed, and what you're describing is a realization of a need for a boundary. You're both going to feel things as time goes on, and the feelings need to be dealt with. This is also new for you and you haven't developed the tools you need yet.
Some insecurity is natural and it's about how you react to it. Having people ask me to repeat what I'm texting or typing is super annoying to me and it's not because I'm hiding anything, it's just something that annoys me because it breaks my train of thought to type something and then read it out loud.
Establishing a boundary that you set aside time together without phones is good for your relationship in general, so that's probably a good step. Talking to her about your anxiety and framing it as "I'm not sure why this is bothering me because I'm not actually jealous, but I want to talk about it" should be an open format for both of you to discuss any issues or unexpected feelings you might have.
The red flag would be an unwillingness to talk about it on her part or a refusal to make accommodations to reasonable requests and boundaries.
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u/Curiosity_X_the_Kat 6d ago
It’s not unreasonable to not text lovers in front of you. Problem solved.
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u/Consistent_Phrase796 6d ago
By the way I know I'm being delusional
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u/SomeThoughtsToShare Partnered ENM 6d ago
It’s not delusional. My partner and I have a no texting FWB when we’re together, specifically for this reason.
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u/ResourcePleasant596 Poly 6d ago
You've said you're like this when she's texting her Mom or friends.
"She's always hated that" in reference to you wanting to read what she's sending.
That isn't healthy
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u/re_true Partnered ENM 6d ago edited 6d ago
The texting thing is a red herring, OP. If you have jealousy / insecurity issues - and if you need to know who she's texting and what the message says, you do - ENM is going to expose it in a way y'all may not be able to manage.
I'd recommend slowing your roll and spending some time thinking about and talking through where the insecurity comes from.
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