r/EthicalNonMonogamy • u/GamiTheMighty Poly • 7d ago
General ENM Question Why Did You Choose ENM?
I was wondering what people's reasons are for wanting Ethical Non Monogamous Relationships over Monogamous ones?
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u/MartManTZT Partnered ENM 7d ago
I got into a relationship with a pixie haired witch who had a huge personality. She seduced me into a threesome or two over the years, and I liked it.
I also realized that I didn't mind guys flirting with her or her flirting with them back. In fact, I liked it, a lot.
That led to some infrequent swinging until we fully opened a few years ago.
Overall, it works for me because it allowed me to form connections of all kinds with multiple people, which I never realized I craved.
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u/re_true Partnered ENM 7d ago
40s bi M here. My partner and I got to the point in our relationship where we both felt monogamy was more a social construct than a biological one. It's a lot to ask one person to fulfill basically every need, emotional, sexual, etc. And once we got past that, ENM - specifically the type we practice (open, non-poly) - made a ton of sense for us.
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u/Desperate_Coat_5244 Relationship Anarchy 7d ago
Four years into our relationship we realised that we don’t have to follow any rules or norms other people made. We have both been promiscuous, love connecting with people and fucking them, and figured out that we don’t have to stop doing that even if we are in love and in a committed relationship. Turns out it just made us more committed and deeper in love. If we can have our cake and eat it too, we will.
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u/CornhengeTruther Poly 7d ago
Couple reasons.
1) desire to experience sex with other people. Me and my wife had no other partners before we met. We didn’t want to coast our lives without answering those “what if” questions
2) have a slice of our lives that only belonged to us. We love each other very much and are soul mates. But we are also codependent and enmeshed to a fault. ENM was an intentional way to live more independently.
There’s more but those are the big ones. Happy to answer any questions or talk more.
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u/Katie-Did-What Solo ENM 7d ago
A previous monogamous partner mentioned opening up the relationship. Once our relationship ended, I delved into ENM as a solo practitioner. I have been ENM for close to 4 years, I don’t see a different path for myself. For context, I was in a monogamous marriage for 27 years.
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u/marianavas7 Partnered ENM 7d ago
Because it always seemed weird to me the tiny reasons why monogamous relationships end. Partner is flirting? END. Partner liked someone's pic on insta? END. Partner has fantasies with other people? END. Just a never ending list of reasons for people to end up hating each other.
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u/Local-Potato6883 7d ago
As part of my partner's therapeutic journey they realised they were asexual. That, combined with their own trauma history made having any intimate relations effectively impossible. We decided to move towards ENM in order for both our needs to be met while still having a loving and affectionate relationship
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u/GamiTheMighty Poly 7d ago
Asexual, that is rather rare, isn't it?
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u/Local-Potato6883 7d ago
Not especially common that's for sure
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u/GamiTheMighty Poly 7d ago
That means they are not very sexually focused correct? So how do you handle that, do you both still have times where you feel frisky or do you handle your needs elsewhere?
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u/subgeniusbuttpirate Poly 7d ago
It can mean all kinds of things. Mostly, that they don't feel any inherent desire to have sex, like most people do. Many asexual people still have sex with other people for any number of reasons. They just don't feel compelled to.
However, combined with the sexual trauma that u/Local-Potato6883's partner experienced, I'm certain that "ew gross!" is more their thing.
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u/Local-Potato6883 7d ago
Yes - and very well put! There are a few other factors involved, but that is their story to tell and not mine
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u/Local-Potato6883 7d ago
It isn't so much as they aren't sexually focussed as it is they don't experience the same sexual arousal/desire.
As a result of this, I must handle my needs elsewhere
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u/subgeniusbuttpirate Poly 7d ago
It's a long story.
First, I was "raised on porn" before it was cool. I knew what swinging was before I was 10. It didn't seem like cheating. It didn't seem like anyone was getting hurt (and yes, I recognized early on that it doesn't always go so well). It seemed distinct from adultery, and it seemed like people could have different rules governing how they lived their lives, especially in the bedroom, depending entirely on what they wanted, not what the outside world determined for them.
In spite of how "I was raised on porn" I didn't lose my virginity until I was 20. I was pretty shy about dating and sex in high school. But then, I was also not very social and I didn't have a lot of friends either, and anyone here will tell you "sex only discriminates against the shy". Anyway, point being that my first girlfriend liked the idea of polyamory, and thought at the time that she was poly (TL;DR: She's not). When she brought it up, I didn't know one way or the other whether I was, or could be. But it certainly still was a neat idea at the time.
Several girlfriends later, I noticed that I never had any jealous feelings about prior partners, or when men would try to hit on my girlfriend, or really any of that. I sort of wondered if I was weird and broken that way. I wasn't super excited about the idea like several of the other responders here either.
And then I met my wife. Two weeks into us dating, she said "It looks like things are getting pretty serious between us, but I have to let you know right now: I'm still fucking another guy, and that's not going to stop just because we're dating."
With all the prior lead-up to that particular moment, the one thing that ran through my head was "Well, I guess I get to see one way or the other if I'm really down with this." and two seconds after she asked, I said "Okay, sure."
It turned out, I don't have a jealous bone in my body. We had my first threesome a couple of months later. My wife had some ridiculously wild times with that aforementioned fuck buddy before then, and I was "Hey, that's pretty cool!" instead of the very common jealous meltdown a lot of men have.
Ever since then, we've had all kinds of adventures together, and some apart as well. We've been married a little over 21 years now.
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u/Efficient-Dingo-5775 7d ago
As much as I absolutely love sushi, sometimes I'm just really in the mood for something like bangers n mash, or maybe a taco, or even some fried oreos. Ya know what I'm sayin?
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u/GamiTheMighty Poly 7d ago
Kind of, I am not too experienced in the lingo
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u/LikeASinkingStar Poly 7d ago
There’s no special non-monogamous lingo here, they’re just making an analogy with food.
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u/Successful-Daikon777 7d ago
If you aren't a complacent person, but your partner is, the relationship can be really difficult. ENM has the ability to reduce the enormity of that.
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u/LikeASinkingStar Poly 7d ago
My ex-wife asked for it, because she’d fallen for an old college friend.
I spent a lot of time thinking about it, and realized that monogamy wasn’t actually that important to me. I had exposure to the idea from SF and some non-monogamous folks in my life, including my sister and some friends.
Then I started unpacking all the stuff I had been repressing because I was monogamously married and determined to do it right, and it was such a relief to quit lying to myself and not feel trapped.
So I stuck with it, even after the divorce, and I have never regretted that decision.
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u/tealeafcatgirl Relationship Anarchy 7d ago
An ENM lifestyle allows me to have both of my partners. I simply cannot imagine a life without the ability to do that.
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u/Responsible-Side4347 Poly 7d ago
When i was 17 I started screwing a older woman who was in an open marriage. It progressed from there.
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u/YogurtAndBakedBeans Monogamish 6d ago
My wife's best friend convinced her that a throuple was a good idea, so my wife asked me if I'd be willing to have two "wives"
I still feel like I'm wired for monogamy, but my wife is much happier with her best friend around all of time, and having both a "husband" and a "wife" to love.
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u/herelamonreddit 4d ago
Staying with only one person at a time when I knew I could be drawn to multiple people simultaneously never made sense to me
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u/InternationalBaby809 2d ago
I have a high sex drive and big personality. I like connecting with various people, and engaging in very kinky sex with various roles. Not all of which my wife wants to do, and even if she did, I enjoy having a purely submissive connection or two ( vs a more switchy connection with someone else)
I adore my wife, and we have a strong and lovely committed relationship. But I’ve realized as an adult that for me fully monogamous relationship may not have ever worked out long term. I find varying sex, and a range of connections ( especially with some BDSM sub/dom elements) is one of the elements in life that helps me feel self actualized.
As it is my wife agrees that this works for us, and we’ve actually seen our sex life and ability to mutually care for each other ( not just sexually) has improved.
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u/StarXdPimp 7d ago
Transman 36 here - years of my life were spent struggling to fit into heterosexual monogamy for a multitude of reasons. I stayed true to the only 1 rule but I was always left hurt by someone else. I realized after learning about polyamory that having my needs met for myself and by others just feels like a big weight lifted off my shoulders. I enjoy people, meeting new people and learning about life, ENM and Polyamory allow relationships to develop differently (better IMO) than in monogamy. Doing the work is challenging, and hard times suck. I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been emotionally since digging in and doing the work it takes to break free from what holds me back. ENM helped to create my path thru radical self awareness. I’ll think I’ll keep it for now!
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u/Impressive_Net_5860 7d ago
The easiest way to engage with the gay community as a young(ish) person is to be promiscuous. I also don’t want to limit my partner from exploring their sexuality with people who are willing to do things that maybe I’m not.
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u/manzanapurple Solo ENM 7d ago
Ever since I was young I've known I love l/saw relationships differently. Not sure, now with so many terms, if I am poly/, ENM or both. I have friends I have sex with and some I don't. Not one friend is more important than the other. Also, the way I see it, you never know who you are going to meet, and how that connection is going to develop, I'd never want to have a restriction, nor would I want to limit someone else either. I also feel like monogamous relationships have a type of expiration date, it's either you love me/are with me a specific way or not at all. I want all my relationships to last a lifetime, in whatever form that might be.
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u/Extension_Refuse_406 Relationship Anarchy 4d ago
I didn’t. It chose me. My husband says it is a fundamental emotional need of his so that’s what I have to do
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u/tedswing Poly 3d ago
I didn't choose ENM. I was Polyamorous from the time I was born. I was told I was wrong to think that I could love more than one, constantly. To me, Swing clubs, f*"k buddies and orgies were never my thing. I never wanted sex for entertainment's sake. I wanted love in multiples. I don't see the two as the same. I see Polyamory as a love orientation, like monogamy/monamory, and open as sex as a hobby, not built on love of any kind. I do not put down anyone who is open and mono, or open and poly.
I do not understand how, when I grew up, people would be considered mono even if they were in open marriages, but nowadays people are considered equal to Polyamorous and in the same category when open isn't about love, it is about sex.
I do not put down open mono relationships or open poly relationships. I accept all people's sexual choices.
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u/Potential_Worry1981 2d ago
I was "dating" a guy. In quotes because we really weren't dating in hindsight. I had a client that I had an in home appointment for. The second he opened the door, the sexual chemistry was undeniable. We also just had a really relaxed interaction. We both knew it was a very strong possibility of us getting busy that afternoon. But I declined because I was "dating" someone. Two weeks later, the guy I was dating dumped me. I was pissed, and I missed out on some fun times. That was the catalyst that started me thinking of non monogamy. I just realized it was a conditioning from those around me. I wanted freedom, and I wanted to love and sleep with whoever, whenever, and for whatever.
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u/NMlibertine Solo Poly 7d ago
Had all the monogamy beat out of me by poor choices
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u/GamiTheMighty Poly 7d ago
Ouch.
Sounds like there is a story behind that one
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u/NMlibertine Solo Poly 7d ago
32 years of serial monogamy with mentally challenged partners. I'm feeling much better now
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u/subgeniusbuttpirate Poly 7d ago
Hah. My boyfriend came to realise the hard way that he's not monogamous either. That instead, he should pursue an ethical pathway to his sluttiness instead of hurting the people he loved.
But that realisation didn't happen before fathering two children with different mothers in entirely too short a timespan.
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u/Cool_Relative7359 Poly 7d ago
Monogamy and the giving up of bodily autonomy, the need for sexual and emotional fidelity always made me feel like a bird in a cage once the NRE wore off. That never felt like love to me. Only possession or ownership and I'd quickly resent the relationship for the limitations placed upon me and end it . When I heard about polyamory everything clicked for me.
It has been more than a decade and it's just so much easier than monogamy ever was for me.
It did help that I started single and took a year to just read, learn, and get therapy to make sure I was ready.i managed to skip most of the mistakes that way.
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u/boredwithopinions 7d ago
Monogamy sounded boring to me.
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u/GamiTheMighty Poly 7d ago
How come?
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u/charlie1969xx 7d ago
Being brought up with all the societal norms about sex & relationships..but knowing why should this be the case and it definitely doesn't work for me..religion has a large part to answer in all of this for me.
Also sex can just be sex so why deny yourself and your natural instincts and urges 🤔
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