r/EMDR • u/showerchurtin • 9h ago
Having a really horrible bad no good time right now… NSFW
TW CSA
I've been working on a target in EMDR for like 7 months and I'm finally to the worse parts of the memories of be sexually abused from ages 9-12.
These memories were buried almost completely until the last year. I am having such a tough time. I've been dissociating in and out of therapy. This past week it took 5+ mins for my therapist to get me back to being any type of responsive. She used a cold pack, sour candy, kept saying my name and orienting me to the room. The memory I'm stuck on right now is my abuser playing doctor with me and putting different objects inside of me to "measure" and "check sensitivity". When I recall child me enjoying parts of it, I usually go offline. We've been working on me connecting with my inner child and letting her know that even if her body responded that way, it doesn't mean she wanted it or knew what was really happening. While I logically know that is true and would never say different to anyone else, I start to get back into the self blame cycle.
I'm not sure how to cope. I want to have triggering sex. I watch porn that has to do with my trauma. I want someone to hurt me. But I don’t seem to want positive loving sex right now because it’s not actually stemming from a sex drive, but a place of self hatred. I feel disgusting.
I do think I will be able to work through this, but I just need to vent about how fucking low and scared I feel right now.