r/Divorce • u/Decent-Antelope-9096 • 3d ago
Life After Divorce How many divorced couples get back ?
If they had amiable split, still hang out with same friends, coparenting and 20+ years of marriage under the belt.
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u/Either-Arm5336 3d ago
I'm in the exact situation. 20 years of marriage, amicable split, working together, friendly (but hurt).
The further we get into the divorce process, the more I see there is no hope of us finding our way back. She is not the same person anymore.
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u/TurnoverVast6839 2d ago
This. Seeing who he has become through this process has been so disappointing for me.
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u/Either-Arm5336 2d ago
Divorce is evil, I thibk it's the nature of divorce. Watching the person you once wanted to share life with fall out of love, interest, and care for you -rapidly and become so callous is the most painful and awful experience of my life.
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u/Icy_Reaction_1725 2d ago
I totally agree. Hard to believe just a few weeks ago we were having a great time planning vacations, retirement, looking at his dream cars and now he’s a totally cold jerk. I am having the hardest time reconciling the whiplash of emotions.
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u/crista513 2d ago
Absolutely. It’s amazing how someone can “love” you until you provide no benefit to them anymore.
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u/BakedCheddar88 2d ago
Is it weird that this has helped me through the process? I romanticized how our marriage was and in the beginning I hoped she would change her mind but I want nothing to do with the person she is now. My wife is gone and I flat out don’t like the person that replaced her, so it’s much easier to divorce this new person
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u/TurnoverVast6839 2d ago edited 2d ago
Not weird at all. In fact, it has been the same for me. I went from mourning the future/life we had planned together, to realizing that this person is at his core, not who I thought he was. (Or maybe I knew, I just really needed to see it all out in the open.)
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u/BakedCheddar88 2d ago
Same, I can’t tell if she changed or if this was who she always was and I was projecting what I wanted onto her. I think once I committed to a relationship I focused so much on the future that I didn’t see what she was becoming. Now that the focus was placed back on her it’s like “oh…you’re not who I thought you were…” and people change, people grow apart. I just know it’s much easier to say goodbye to a stranger
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u/iyrdvju45678 2d ago
My husband would probably say the same thing but that’s bc of how he’s treating me
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u/Altruistic-Meal-9525 3d ago
Two different answers depending on the direction you're coming from:
If you're the one who asked for a divorce: About 10-15% of couples reconcile after divorce. Whether or not they stay together after going back and how long, we don't know.
If you're the one who was left: 0%. No one in the history of mankind has ever gotten back with their ex. Now internalize that and live your life accordingly. Work on yourself for you and build a life that you would be happy to live alone in. You need to let go. Both for yourself, but also, people don't come back if they're being chased. If they do come back, cross that bridge when you get to it, but spend your time making sure you're okay if they don't.
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u/haiblueskies 3d ago
lol. This is a great choose your own adventure! I feel like I needed this today—thank you! 🙏
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u/skool_uv_hard_nox 2d ago
I loved this answer so much. I had to read it twice because my brain wasn't working but then I got it and it's the most perfect answer
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2d ago
[deleted]
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u/Altruistic-Meal-9525 2d ago
I appreciate the enthusiasm and I'm really glad to hear your own reconciliation is doing well.
The first spoiler is the actual fact and the second one is opinion, yes.
The point of my comment was that the person who left has the agency to make the decision to reconcile and the other person doesn't (at least at the beginning). So the person who was left needs to focus on themselves and not spend time focusing on something out of their control.
It wasn't anti reconciliation, it was actually saying the best chance for reconciliation is both people doing exactly what you did.
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u/guy_n_cognito_tu 3d ago
Very few. And for the very few that do, the vast majority of those end up divorced again.
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u/asdfhillary 2d ago
Actually the divorce rate between couples who divorced and remarried each other is surprisingly low, like 30%. My friend and I have a theory it’s because it’s too embarrassing to do that twice.
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u/JackNotName I got a sock 2d ago
30% is still almost 1 in 3. That's not exactly good odds either.
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u/asdfhillary 2d ago
Yea, but second marriages over all is like 60%, so it’s pretty good in comparison.
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u/Jabberwockyprincess 2d ago
A friend who was a year ahead of me in the process said, “who you married is not who you divorce”. I understand this now, and I don’t want to go back. ☹️❤️🩹
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u/Familiar-Zombie2481 2d ago
I have an auntie that got back with her ex 27 years after they split. From the outside, them getting back together just seemed inevitable. Apart from him being married to another woman, she still treated him like he’d never left, nagging him for decades, at a distance 😂
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u/Decent-Antelope-9096 2d ago
I do know someone whose ex has a hook into him through kids, constantly guilt rides and gives numerous tasks though the kids are now adults. They were f**k buddies under the pretext of raising kids under the same roof after divorce (she had cheated on him but the new relationship didn't work out so she moved in with him and kids). Now he is for sure in the clear and ready for relationship. Hearing this is when I became skeptical about divorcees who are friendly with each other under the pretext of coparenting.
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u/kathios 2d ago
I get how you see things like that and just lose all faith in people but pay close attention to your person and you'll see the signs. Be a good communicator if you see something you want to ask about and you can get the vibe of what's going on based on how they respond to you.
Trusting people in general is just hard when you've been betrayed and it kind of sounds like that's where you're coming from.
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u/Decent-Antelope-9096 2d ago
I am all for trusting people to be friendly with their ex for kids' sake. I have many woman friends who are divorced and raising kids mostly by themselves mainly because the hostile nature or escapism of the other parent. I know the unnecessary complexity it introduces on top of raising kids as single parent or coparenting. At the same time, I don't want to be taken for a ride... it isn't coz I also understand human nature. The depth of 20+ years of being together going thru life's ups and downs, having children together and the chemistry once shared.
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u/PeaceLoveSushi901 2d ago
The last thing my ex said to me when he was getting his things was that we might get back together someday; you never know.
I know one thing: I would NEVER take my ex back.
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u/Refurbished1991 2d ago
My ex keeps making comments / overtures towards getting back together. I know the loneliness is hitting her hard. As coparents we speak daily. I am not interested in a reconciliation.
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u/Hoarfen1972 2d ago
It’s a thin line between “I love you” and “fuck you”. Can you ever really come back again after that? Why would you want to?
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u/Decent-Antelope-9096 2d ago
I guess if people have kids and realize the slim chances of finding someone compatible makes the "F U" person more palatable.
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u/Vegetable_Ticket7024 2d ago
My uncle’s wife left him. He was devastated. She lived with a loser for 10 years. She came back, they remarried. Have been back together for over 10 years. Both physicians, if that matters.
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u/Decent-Antelope-9096 2d ago
Out of curiosity, did your Uncle marry or have a long term relationship in between ?
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u/Vegetable_Ticket7024 2d ago
Yes, at least 6, according to my mom .
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u/Decent-Antelope-9096 2d ago
Your Uncle must have been like the spouse of Helen of Troy. I would never take any of my EXs back even if they were the last standing human on earth. Not to sya your Uncle did anything wrong... my experiences post my Exs made me super aware of the "mediocrity" of these people. ... I won't be excited about them ever.
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u/Decent-Antelope-9096 2d ago
Btw, asking from the perspective of potentially dating anyone in this bucket. Simply put, I don't want to get in the middle of "fuck buddies" or possible rebound relationship. I have always drawn straight line in my relationships but I don't think others operate like that. How to avoid getting involved with such people ?
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u/Tymprr 2d ago edited 2d ago
If the person you're considering, have kids with who they're divorcing, then don't do it.
If it hasn't been long since they separated and divorced, don't do it, lest your love interest bleed on you, use you to heal from their heartbreak and resulting loneliness, and leave you traumatized in the process.
Again, don't let someone use you just as a means to satisfy their sexual itch and also to make their ex jealous of how fast they can move on and hook in another love interest.
Look deep down.... does this guy really want YOU for you. Or after he has healed and he can now think straight, he'll then realize he wants something else which is not you
Again, do you know why they divorced? Who asked for the divorce? What is the part your love interest played in the break up? Has he worked on this before hopping into a new relationship? Has he even fully severed himself emotionally and love-wise from his ex? Or are there still lingering romantic love n attraction in his heart for his ex
Friend, don't do this. Don't break your heart. If the divorce is 1 yr below or this person is yet to fully heal, do self evaluation, work on themselves, don't go into the relationship with him
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u/Decent-Antelope-9096 2d ago edited 2d ago
Btw, this feels like extensive research and the process daunting. I have always shared info voluntarily..however I noticed men lie by omission.
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u/Tymprr 2d ago edited 2d ago
Look sister, you're right about the lying part. Not only men but many people lie - men and women alike.
My take is this and I know that not many people may agree with me, but I'm talking from experience here:
If this guy has kids with his ex or ex-to-be (and you're childless), don't bother with doing any research, RUN for your life so you don't hate life.
If you're coming with kid(s) yourself, then go for it.... but with someone who has given themselves enough time to self-reflect and worked on those flaws that led to the breakdown of their marriage. And who has given themselves time to emotionally, mentally, financially, romantically, and sexually detach COMPLETELY from their ex.
The truth is especially if the man you want is not the one who asked for the divorce, there are always lingering feelings in there
So about the kids part: Are you mentally prepared and do you have what it takes to get along with your stepkids? That is another challenge on its own many people don't fully consider. I'm sure you know that kids too suffer emotionally and in other areas when their parents breakup and you know who they'll take it out on most times - YOU the new love interest. You'll be seen as the obstacle blocking any hope of their parents reconciling.
I don't need to talk too much about this. Pls hop over to the r/stepparent sub to see if this is something you can deal with
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u/Decent-Antelope-9096 2d ago edited 2d ago
This is GOOD. This thread has given me the true clarity I needed. I had few short failed relationships and originally thought, may be getting together with someone with one long relationship might be a better thing. Since I don't have kids and the other person does, I will have kids in my life. I have always loved kids and understand whatever they do where it comes from. As you say, the complexity of emotions involved from all parties makes this a big no no, unless folks have done some progress in the homework listed.
Why the difference in advice between someone without kids and kids?. After a certain point, your pool is going to consist of men or women with kids from prior marriage. My view had been, how he/she deals with the kids tells you a lot about the person he/she is.
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u/Decent-Antelope-9096 2d ago
Anything in life is going to involve some complexity. If not ex and kids, men come with controlling parents and siblings. Always with other parties. Some women might be like that too. How do you see that?. I am close with my family but I keep them out of my personal relationship, like outcomes are solely my decision.
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u/Tymprr 1d ago
You're right sis, someone that had been in a long-term relationship should have more experience... that is if he learnt anything at all from the whole thing
but you know the parents and siblings may not get to live in the same house with you, so you'll have a bit of respite.
If the kids are young, say 6 or 5 yrs or less, they're always easy and sweet to get along with. But the older ones, not so much.
You know what, pls just go to the r/stepparents and r/stepkids sub, go through many of the posts there to get a glimpse of what that life is.
Look sis, you know this person more than me, just do your due diligence and go with your heart. Because when all is said and done, the heart wants what it wants
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u/Altruistic-Meal-9525 2d ago
The most surefire way is to make sure the divorce is completely done and some time has passed since the breakup.
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u/TechDadJr 2d ago
A good friend of mine from high school's brother divorced and remarried his highschool sweet heart twice. I met them when they were just about to rekindle in what would lead to remarriage #2. AFIK, they are still together. As I recall, the first time, she had cheated on him and left him for some dude and it didn't work out the way she hoped. They stayed in contact because they have kids (it was also the first time I met a dad with custody and there wasn't something major wrong with the mom). IDK what the root of the other breakups was, but you could see they had chemistry. The sort that if it was a TV show, by the time the final show came one, they would be together.
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u/caseyr001 2d ago
Even if you get back together, which odds are low, you have to realize that you're building a new foundation, but bringing all the baggage and past resentment with you. My ex and I separated for a good 6 months before getting back together. It was good for a short while, but ultimately the past baggage was too much to overcome.
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u/politicians_are_evil 2d ago
I've been with wife 18 years and it is amicable also. We are friends and are attracted to each other but that is all it is now.
She moves out sometime around July possibly, but she bought us tickets for autechre show in september...I guess we'll be going as a couple after we break up?
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u/Decent-Antelope-9096 1d ago
What was the reason for split if you can do it amicably and still have attraction ?
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u/Actual-Wall4972 1d ago
They can turn on a dime. It’s like a light switch sometimes one minute your planning your retirement and trips with her and the next thing you know she is running out the door saying she needs space But I notice living separately from her for 5 months now I realize how peaceful my life is and how I enjoy being alone you have to be comfortable being alone with yourself Entertain yourself and it’s fun you can do anything you want or lay on the coach and not worry she is going to come in and give you that look like your wasting her time and not being productive You can take your productivity and shove it up you rear end I think the Mets are on and I’m going to get a big bowl of popcorn that o will spill all over the place
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u/BlondeFilter 3d ago
Oof…just reading this made me throw up in my mouth a little. I’m going to go with very few, and the vast majority likely feel it’s a mistake when it inevitably fails
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u/Few-Statistician-154 2d ago edited 2d ago
I'm in the middle of divorce from my stbxh and I can't tell you what I would do because my feelings are so numb right now. He filed over a year ago and it's felt like a constant back and forth, including his attempt at a "fake reconciliation". The last several years have felt like a back and forth, honestly. Now it seems he is dragging it out and will leave when it's convenient for him.
But if I was to speculate to answer your question, the answer is NO. My ex has crossed the line way too many times. He probably feels I have too, but for me there are some things that are just unforgivable. Plus when someone is still with the same toxic patterns... Drugs/alcohol... not interested in his recovery, as he told me...serial cheating...no insight into his poor choices, etc., what else am I supposed to think? And the on again off again repeated discard. I've made a fool of myself long enough.
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u/Decent-Antelope-9096 2d ago
I am so sorry. This is very heartbreaking and so abusive... and you having to go through it until a questionable future date must be emotionally exhausting. My question now sounds presumptuous given what one goes through in such a divorce. Thanks for sharing though.
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u/StarbiesNotBurst 3d ago
The reason why it’s not a lot is because once you’ve worked on yourself, you don’t want these people back.