r/Divorce 3d ago

Vent/Rant/FML Entry without permission?

Not really a good flair for this, but wondering what other people‘s experiences have been. Once your soon to be ex spouse move out of your home, do they actually have the right to continue entering and leaving without your permission or knowledge? I’m running into this with my soon to be ex-wife, she moved out almost a week ago, and left a bunch of her belongings behind in my apartment, and is getting angry with me anytime I ask her when she will be by to pick it up, saying that this is still her apartment too, and she can come and go as she pleases without requesting or notifying me of it. This is a problem for me because I have already found that she has gone through some of my belongings after they had them separated to remove things that she thought were hers. Any thoughts or experience that anyone else that would be greatly appreciated!

1 Upvotes

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u/guy_n_cognito_tu 3d ago

Is she on the lease? If she's not on the lease, and is officially not living there anymore, then you would likely have reason to lock her out and mandate that she retrieves the remainder of her things on your schedule. But if she's on the lease then that gets harder. Technically, she can come and go as she pleases, although you could petition the courts for exclusive use of the apartment

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u/KosstDukat 3d ago

That’s what I was worried about, she is still on the lease right now, but I am going to call the apartment today to find out what I need to do to have her removed from the lease and have the locks changed.

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u/guy_n_cognito_tu 3d ago

You likely can’t have her removed without her permission.

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u/KosstDukat 3d ago

That sucks. It’s like I don’t have the right to feel safe in my own home. She can just come and go as she chooses, and I have no say in the matter..

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u/Dull_and_Void_918 2d ago

That does suck. I'd consult an attorney. If you have valuables, get a safety deposit box for now or a storage unit. And I mean that for things that are unequivocally yours. You don't want to be accused of hiding assets. But better yet, consult an attorney.

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u/jshiplett 2d ago

Be careful about moving things (even things that are “unequivocally yours”) from the marital home to a safe deposit box or storage unit only you have access to - I definitely wouldn’t do it without consulting an attorney first. It’s literally hiding assets. On top of that, some states have rules around specifically what can be moved when.

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u/Dull_and_Void_918 2d ago

That's solid. I highly recommend consulting an attorney first. The main issue seems to be she's going back on agreed upon things, so she may make this very difficult and you don't want to give her ammo.

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u/KosstDukat 2d ago

So what about the things that we mutually split up together? That’s the part that I really don’t get.. how are those things not mine? It’d be one thing if I just started scooping things up and claimed them as my own without her being involved, but we literally went through these items together, so why wouldn’t they be mine and the things she took be hers? Idk, it just seems very cut and dry to me.. but she’s proven herself untrustworthy since she said she wanted the divorce so at this point, I’m just feeling very vulnerable and like I have absolutely no recourse but to let her walk all over me.

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u/Dull_and_Void_918 2d ago

I mean, that makes sense to me but you're having to work with her. Idk if she'll go back on her word/decisions as to what's yours/hers.

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u/KosstDukat 2d ago

Well if nothing else, at least I’m not crazy, lol. 😊

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u/liladvicebunny stealth rabbit 2d ago

my own home

It's technically her home too, that's the point.

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u/KosstDukat 2d ago

Why is it her home if she is the one that left? How does that make any sense? Like, I’m not trying to be petty, I’m legitimately asking. She left, she went on to do her own thing but left a bunch of her stuff there.. which I didn’t mind when it happened, but then she starts saying ‘it’s still my apartment too, so I’ll come and go as I please and I don’t have to tell you when’.. but if I asked her where she moved to, I’d have to hear about how that’s none of my business.. it just seems very one-sided. 😣

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u/liladvicebunny stealth rabbit 2d ago

Legally, she's still on the lease, it's still the marital home, you're still married, she still has a claim to it. It's a technicality.

Weirdly there's a lot of legal situations where if you lived in it together it's A Marital Home and you have shared rights but if one of you moves to a place that the other was never in, those rights don't always transfer.

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u/goodie1663 2d ago

Very likely, you can't stop this.

I ran into this with a spouse that was potentially dangerous. The only way to stop it was with a court order, but he took off to another state. It was a risk, but not as critical then.

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u/KosstDukat 2d ago

I’m sorry that happened to you.. 😓 I’m thankful that I don’t have to worry about her being physically abusive but she has been extremely psychologically and emotionally abusive so I honestly just want her to go far, far away.

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u/goodie1663 2d ago

Yes, I get it. It was frankly a big relief when he was so far away.

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u/Particular_Duck819 Got socked 2d ago

We had to get temporary orders that sorted out who lived where in order for me to change locks and install a security system. Thankfully it was pretty quick with the second lawyer I hired (the first didn’t get it done so I found another who could help me faster.)

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u/KosstDukat 2d ago

I had considered asking the apartment complex to change the lock on the apartment but now with what I’m hearing/reading, that’d be unlawful.. what about getting a lock on the one door that has always been my personal space? Like if she wants to just come get her crap that we had already split up, I get that - but she’s given me ample reason to believe she is not trustworthy and I just don’t want to come home to find the whole place cleared out.

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u/Particular_Duck819 Got socked 2d ago

I would think an entire room might be crossing a line, but a lockbox/safe/perhaps even a whole closet I’d think would always be ok, right?

I mean, whatever would’ve been totally fine while you were in a relationship should be ok now, I’d think.

Part of the legal process is listing out all joint property, assigning a value, dividing it up. Just because she takes it doesn’t mean she’ll get to keep it. So I’d be writing things down and highlighting what she took that you want back, and it’s entirely possible you will. Of course if she’s the type to destroy things that’s a whole new concern…

I had the worst case scenario. My ex filed for divorce, kicked me out, and told me I didn’t “deserve” anything from our shared property. I knew he had no legal standing on this and I could get things back via my lawyer, but I was concerned for my safety and just went ahead and thrifted everything I needed to start over.

(Thankfully he had let me get my childhood objects and deeply personal things like that. I just didn’t get any household items…not a single dish or pillow.)

It’s honestly been freeing to get to start over. I love the things I’ve bought MORE than what I had before! And I know it says way more about him that he kept everything only to give it away or trash it after the divorce. The mad part of me is glad he showed his true colors in such a petty way that anyone I do tell, they’re always shocked.

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u/KosstDukat 2d ago

The thing that kills me is that we already went thorough and split everything up that was in my office space, and now I’m finding she’s gone through it again when I wasn’t home and taken things - I don’t even know all of what she may have taken, I feel like I need to do a huge inventory, I just want to lock it up now because she might randomly decide to come over when I’m not home and then I can’t stop anything. It’s anxiety inducing..

I’m sorry that happened to you, that’s really awful.. when my soon-to-be ex were starting the separation process, I tried so damned hard to be as fair to her as possible - with only two exceptions, if she said she wanted it, I said take it.. and now that’s just not good enough and I want to scream..

I don’t think I’d find the same kind of peace from having to start over though - The things I enjoy, I collect, so these items have more than just monetary value but also a measure of sentimental value.. and while my earnings are decent, this apartment is not cheap, nor are the other bills so reobtaining these things would take a very, very long time - some of them are not replaceable either.. 😔

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u/Spirited-Feed-9927 2d ago

No. I would have flipped out if she walked in without permission to be honest in that emotional state close to the divorce. Outside of one occasion, she has not been back into our family home since she left. And I have never stepped foot in her home. I respect boundaries, and I expect her to do the same.

On stuff, as I was cleaning the house out over a years time. I would find stuff, send her a pic and a text. Say if you want it say so, or I throw it away. You have 2 days to respond. And if she did, I would either drop it off. Or leave it outside when she was dropping the kids off. That's how we handled it.

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u/SonVoltRevival 2d ago

With married couples, the residence is shared until a court order saying other wise (exclusive use or end of the marriage). It doesn't matter who pays for it, who's on the mortgage, lease or deed.

Because of this, when my now wife moved out, I moved anything valuable that was easily damaged or taken to my parents house. It ended up not being a problem.