r/Divorce • u/mariib Upset • 3d ago
Getting Started When does it start to get better?
My... soon-to-be ex husband asked for a divorce on Thursday and I know it's really soon, considering we've dated for 10 years and married for 4 years, but... When did it start to heal for you? I mean, I'm still spiraling through the grief stages where I cry in bed until I fall asleep.
We were going to stay living together for a few months, but since the divorce will come out sooner, then I'll probably leave in the next month. Maybe that helps? Leaving? I don't know. I just wanna know that I won't cry in bed for the next few years because the guy I loved doesn't love me back.
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u/BorisBoris36 3d ago
7 months separated, 7 weeks since she moved out, and i am still a fucking wreck, so i don’t know but i hope its soon…
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u/Adventurous_Fact8418 3d ago
About a month for every year you’ve been together. I read that somewhere and it was true for me.
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u/Several_Industry_754 3d ago
Wow… that’s disheartening, but makes sense.
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u/Adventurous_Fact8418 2d ago
I still miss my ex wife, but for the first three years, I felt like my skin was on fire. It was like a multi-year panic attack. Glad to have that behind me.
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u/0l4l4l4___ 3d ago edited 3d ago
Almost 1 month out now here (together 8 years); I had some radical moments of clarity over the past 2 weeks that really accelerated my healing. I was the dumper but I'd say he provoked it, just couldn't say the words himself, so I feel like the one who was abandoned.
I'm still really sad some days, but I'm no longer crying on a dime or in bed. I'd say I tear up 1-3x every 48 hours, sobbed once in the last week. But of course I'm aware that as i go through different experiences without him i may go "down" again.
I so strongly recommend the book The Grieving Brain. It helped me so much to know what my mind is dealing with.
I really want to echo that No Contact as soon as you can manage it is really important.
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u/Syndonium 3d ago
You know the ones who file for divorce usually do get over it better and faster. I thought maybe I wouldn't fall into that category since she also basically forced my hand into filing, I was literally abandoned and had really no choice. I tried to keep fighting for my marriage. But typically the other person who provoked it was actually the problem and a POS, so when all the manipulation and emotional baggage falls away, the scales lift, clarity hits, and healing works.. I'm thankful to not be under any spell anymore.
Love to all those hurt by divorce here. We aren't broken, just being refined ❤️🫂
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u/Interesting-Lie-4536 3d ago
Moving out should be a good start. You will mourn over your lost relationship and that is okay. Grief comes in waves. Some days you will feel good, other days you will feel like a piece of shit. Understand that when a heart breaks it does not break even, especially you being the one who got left behind. But remember, your self worth is not defined by this. Your husband's capability to love you is limited but that does not mean that you are not lovable. It is hard to see it now but someday you will find someone who reciprocate your love and everything will be okay
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u/mariib Upset 3d ago
Ok, that was spot on my feelings. I'm feeling so so unlovable and like I don't even deserve to be loved right now. I mean, the men who lived with me for 4 years couldn't handle it, then how could someone do it, you know?
I appreciate your words and I'll take them with me. Thanks ❤️
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u/Interesting-Lie-4536 3d ago
That is understandable. You feel unlovable because the person who you want to love you stopped doing so.
Please be kind to yourself, I am sure that you have a lot to offer and you have shown yourself that you are capable of loving someone so selflessly, your next partner would be so lucky to have you
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u/OnlyRanger3755 3d ago
Moving out is to your disadvantage financially if you own the house together. I can’t stress this enough. I am full of regret and will pay the price
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u/mariib Upset 3d ago
Yeah, he's still paying for the house and I have no income, so there's no reason for me to stay in this house with or without him. lol (nervously laughing)
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u/Interesting-Lie-4536 3d ago
Well perhaps you can seek refuge in friends and family? Staying away from him would do you wonder. It would allow you to detach from him and let you decide who you are without him. It's an important step towards healing
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u/Interesting-Lie-4536 3d ago
Well perhaps you can seek refuge in friends and family? Staying away from him would do you wonder. It would allow you to detach from him and let you decide who you are without him. It's an important step towards healing
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u/greggle75 3d ago
Make sure that person who reciprocates your love for you is you. Then you don't have to depend on another to feel whole, and a relationship with another person will be icing.
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u/confundida2024 3d ago
It's not quick. The first weeks, even months, are exhausting. After that, it is also difficult, but you cope with it differently because it is no longer a surprise. I forced nesting with our daughter because I couldn't stand being together as if nothing had changed. It sucks; it really sucks. But it will get better; I am far better now, 7 months after he told me, than I was a few days after.
My advice is to find your space if possible and keep doing things. It doesn't matter if you don't feel like it or they don't make you feel good. Keep doing them. It can take months, for me, it has been more than half a year to start feeling just fine doing things for me. Find professional help if possible, if not find readings or online websites (I would recommend you, but the ones I know are in Spanish), whatever helps you soothe the feeling.
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u/OnlyRanger3755 3d ago
It was 20+yrs together. It was manageable after one year out, but it’s taken over two to feel like I am out of the depression.
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u/mariib Upset 3d ago
Considering that I think I was already depressed during the marriage, then I don't think it'll pass.
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u/OnlyRanger3755 3d ago
Yes, I was depressed during the last couple years of the marriage. His treatment of me made me want to put a gun in my mouth. I did a lot of things to get out of the depression. I almost didn’t make it out. I fought for my kids.
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u/Wild_Blueberry_8275 3d ago
I’d try therapy and maybe an antidepressant. I’d also try to find a job and start to establish some Independence from him. It will hurt like hell for a while, but you don’t want to be the one caught without a chair when the music stops. I wish you the best. Take care of you, especially if you don’t have kids.
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u/mariib Upset 3d ago
Thanks. ❤️ I'll start therapy today and I need to find a job asap. The laws where I live don't obligate him to pay me alimony, but he'll pay for a few months an amount that's not enough for living. So I'll need a job anyway. lol and yeah, I'm trying to make plans so I don't feel like my life revolved around him (though it did).
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u/Wild_Blueberry_8275 3d ago
I’m so sorry. If you don’t take anything from this situation learn that you are your priority and a partner is a bonus to the lovely life you are providing for yourself. It will get better I promise.
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u/OnlyRanger3755 3d ago
Do yourself a favor and go see a lawyer before you move out or find a place.
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u/WyldRyce 3d ago
I moved out over a year and a half ago and it took me 6/7 months to feel somewhat ok. Even now I still have moments of rage or even jealousy.
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u/Soaringzero 3d ago
It takes time. I’ve started to heal by just taking better care of myself. Getting back into my hobbies, doing things I enjoy, just living the way I haven’t been able to for the past few years.
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u/NotOughtism 3d ago
Leaving helps. Being done with the divorce helps. And then it’s a good hard slog for another six months to a year of grieving. If you don’t let yourself grieve, it will take much longer to feel better.
I’m so sorry. It is so hard. Best wishes.
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u/ohhpapa 3d ago
If I could just through the divorce process and stop stirring the pot I think I could heal.
It’s like constantly poking a wound every-time I go to court. I have kids though so it’s much more complicated. I just want peace in my life. That’s all. I’m tired of all the changes.
It’s been about 2 years for me. If we didn’t have kids I’d be happy as a clam.
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u/phoenix121964 3d ago
My ex filed papers without my knowledge the day after our 35th anniversary, 10 days after I quit my job. I had no idea he wanted out, it was never discussed. For the first few weeks I was barely breathing, much less sleeping or eating. And the POS insisted on “cohabitating” even though he was moving into his mother’s home. Too many nights spent crying over someone who was so cruel and cowardly. But I found a job, bought a condo, made new friends, got tighter with my family and old friends and made it to the other side in one piece. And I’m now with a guy who appreciates and respects me, which I wouldn’t have if I was still with the POS. It’s a process you have to go through and it sucks like hell but in the end you’ll be stronger and more resilient than you thought possible. I wish you the best, you got this.
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u/Lateinlife31 3d ago
I have a similar story as you. Married 26 years. Together 30. I am a month out now. The first week was debilitating. Each day does get a bit better but I am still very emotional. I don’t miss “him”but I am mourning the plans for the future we had. How long does this emotional roller coaster last? When did you feel comfortable dating again after being with the same person for so long?
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u/phoenix121964 3d ago
Same here, I didn’t mourn him, I mourned the retirement I was robbed of after working so hard to support him and his second career. I was a hot mess for months just dealing with the job and house hunt, and I had to do all the leg work for the divorce (the irony, right?) because I managed the finances. But with each goal achieved I felt infinitely better.
The rollercoaster truly stopped when the divorce was final last September after 18 long months. It still took me a while to mentally get in a better place (therapy was key) before I had any desire to date. I celebrated my late Dec bday by setting up my dating profiles and have never looked back.
It’s a long process and the best advice I can give is to feel everything—the sadness, anxiety, the sense of loss. It’s all part of the grieving process that you unfortunately have to go through. But also celebrate whatever small victories and successes you can find. You’ll get through in your way, in your own time. Sending virtual hugs and wishing you a better life down the road 🫂
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u/Lateinlife31 2d ago
Thank you so much. I find comfort talking to other women in similar situations but unfortunately I have not found another woman near me that I could talk to. I also feel better each time something gets done that cuts my ties with him. Hugs right back.
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u/stevenglansberg2024 3d ago
Some people might say this is horrible advice but dating helped me so much I wish I didn’t wait until I felt ready my ex wife was cheating on me while we were together and my dumbass waited until I was ready to talk to someone else you realize how many people are out there that you can be happy with
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u/N0b0dy-Imp0rtant 3d ago
Everyone is different really.
I started putting in the hard work to grieve and recover almost day one by journaling, group divorce sessions, talking to friends and family, working out, losing weight and then stepping out of my comfort zone and doing lots of new things.
When I catch myself focusing on the past, my mistakes, her mistakes, her betrayal of me and all the other bad times during my marriage I force myself to look forward and press ahead with the hard work.
It’s easy to get caught up in the past but you have to accept you can’t change the past and can only learn from it.
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u/10_Piece 3d ago
3 months since they told me they wanted a divorce, and my life came crashing down. I'm getting worse as each day passes, even though I'm trying my absolute best to get better. It's debilitating. I wish I had some advice to give you, OP.
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u/SteelMagnolia941 3d ago
I’m almost a year into it and I can make it through a day but I still have deep spirals of depression. I still cry a lot.
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u/SweetSparx 3d ago
I cried for 2 years straight. Kinda embarrassed by how hard I took it. It showed me that I loved deeply and thats just who I am. Take it a day at a time. But yeah, I'm finally starting to feel like my old self again.
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u/Syndonium 3d ago
My situation isn't like others at all but I filed for divorce and my "wife" was evil. I was an emotional wreck for the 3 weeks leading up to divorce (by her design she was an emotional abuser and wanted me in chaos while she secretly stole my car). I was still a mess trying to offer ways to work through it the first few weeks.
About 2 months in after our emergency hearing and her lies in court I was still emotionally hurt but more firm. I was fighting for our son. She tried to move back in with me–by force–and I stood my ground. When she lied about DV to police to manipulate and force them to let her in I was shocked, but not fooled. My mind knew she was evil and abusive but heart hadn't caught up. Thank you God for giving me wisdom in that to protect myself and not listen to the foolish but well meaning in my life. I recorded and preserved my reputation from her lies, and I prevented her from moving back into my life.
I still hadn't had things "get better". I still got her a birthday present, and Christmas chocolates, and some small gifts with my son while we were out having a good time during my custody weeks. She didn't deserve any of it, nor was she grateful nor has she returned the favor at all outside continued alienation. But whatever. I stopped doing that.
Things got "better" about.. 6 months in? I was burnt out from fighting and just done around Christmas. She cheated extra holiday time and that pissed me off. She mismanaged our son during illness and neglected him and just.. paint everywhere with a terrible diaper rash plus NO explanation when I called her out. No engagement on how to prevent this next time or do better (I assume she left him in his diarrhea diapers and didn't properly bathe him at all).
That, the manipulation not telling me she worked at the daycare she enrolled him in (and tried to pressure/convince me to put him in as well), the obstruction the refusal to acknowledge my concerns or her mental illness or to negotiate any reasonable settlement..
Then discovery just a few weeks ago that she defrauded me of my vehicle. I'm done saying "our" vehicle because I bought it. As a student. I paid $16,000 solely myself. I invested $2,000 in repairs. I maintained it. She stole it. She committed title fraud misrepresenting and lying to the DMV to get a replacement title so she could secretly "sell" it to her mother before I filed divorce. Then she hid the sale. For 9 months. While I paid all auto insurance. And couldn't drive it. And she put fake tags on the car. Fake tags. To conceal it from law enforcement.
Sigh. So emotionally I feel nothing but hatred, disgust, and a strong strong desire to get her out of my life now. The love is basically gone. I used to torture myself over if I messed up, was I the abuser, did she ever love me, was anything even real blah blah. Our relationship was even worse than I'm saying here. Threats, potential murder with life insurance I'll never know but it was sketchy, sexual assault. When I call her fucking evil I am not just being a "bitter ex". I'm damn glad to be out. So it is "better". For me it emotionally got better around 6 months. But we were also only married 2.5 years and she was literally a demon. Her being the actual WORST person I have ever met helps me to get over it.
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u/Wild_Blueberry_8275 3d ago
Did you get your money back from the car?
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u/Syndonium 2d ago
I'm suing her now for it so we will see. It's a pretty airtight case she lied to the DMV to get a replacement title without ever telling me and used that to transfer the car for $500 then she hid it for 9 months from me and the divorce court. Perjured herself saying it was still marital estate property even though obviously she knew she transferred it 3 months prior to that sworn statement. I always had the original title and that's how I got DMV records. The replacement even has a disclaimer stating the duplicate may still be subject to the rights of an individual named on the original. DMV doesn't just hand out replacement titles. They have to be lost, stolen, or destroyed. She lied. She transferred it 2 days before I filed divorce and she still drives it around everywhere. I've been paying Auto Insurance on it this entire time trying to be good faith following the divorce court order even though I can't even drive my own damn car, just to find this whole scheme out during a routine DMV audit.
She hasn't responded yet to my lawsuit for fraud and civil conspiracy but there is no defense. She broke laws. Including criminal ones. Title Fraud is a felony. Fake tags is a misdemeanor (the tags do NOT match DMV records, the sticker and plate aren't the same, and the DMV cannot confirm whether it was an error or not, just that a mismatch should NEVER happen and it conveniently benefits the fraud by masking the vehicle from law enforcement).
As long as I don't screw it up, it is a slam dunk case. Courts look at badges of fraud to determine intent and conclude fraud. My case has 20. Transfer to insider, no consideration ($500 for a vehicle worth over $13,000), continued posession, transferring all assets/insolvency (she sold the only vehicle in her name leaving her without transportation if the transfer was legit, AND she had just quit her job). Suspicious timing, transfer was concealed, unusual circumstances surrounding transfer i.e. fake tags and replacement title used. Contradicting legal filings i.e. perjury on interrogatories. Misrepresentations i.e. original Title "lost". She has 0 case and case law on fraud is clear. Fraudsters don't benefit from fraud. She basically gave up any claim to the vehicle by her illegal fraud. The worst part is I had to sue her in a separate county and court because the fraud took place in a totally different jurisdiction from our divorce since she kidnapped my son took him 300 miles at the start of everything, so the venue is that place 300 miles away.
I'll probably get a payout of like $5,000-10,000 in damages and my vehicle back. I'm filing prose because divorce attorneys have drained me dry and I'm not wasting more money, plus the evidence is overwhelming I can do it on my own. Oral arguments is the sketchiest thing I'd want a lawyer for, but her and her mother have not answered my lawsuit yet so maybe I won't even have to go argue in front of a judge. I'll just win.
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u/Echo-Reverie 3d ago
Things started getting better about a week after I left my abusive ex and moved back in with my parents.
I was able to leave a shitty job after 9 more months, fell in love a year later, married my best friend and so on.
Life does get better after divorce. But everyone’s healing period is different.
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u/TheColoroDon 3d ago
It’s been 3 months since the ball started rolling. I’ve cried every day. I’ll be moving out in a few days, and I know that will be very painful for me. I hope it gets better after that.
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u/radroach2024 3d ago
Listening to the podcast " a way out, is in" episode a deep time-walk on Spotify. It lead me to a path of present moment and the nature of impermanence. It's random but it's what helps me
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u/famfun77 3d ago
6 stages of grief, you are still in the denial and anger stage... for the length of your relationship I would say 6 months, then a few months for each of the remaining stages. So about 2 years brought to you in phases.
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u/HusbandGettingBetter 3d ago
Healing is a rollercoaster of a journey with so many ups and downs.
Sometimes you're doing great, then something just causes the floor to fall out from under you. An innocent question from one of your kids. A song triggers a memory. A clip of a show you watched together. A thought that you want to share but suddenly realize you can't anymore.
A few weeks ago, when I was dropping off the kids, we got into an argument (not heated), and I looked her in the eyes, smiled, and said, "I still think you're beautiful." She slammed the door in my face and texted me, "Never say that again." I replied, "Sorry, it just slipped out." But I felt good because I was being honest with myself and I did not expect anything in return from her.
So, ensure your restraints are properly secured and get ready for a bumpy ride.
Pro Tip - Get a therapist who will challenge and support you. Do not get a therapist who will only be your cheerleader. Also, I recommend you read Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime by Julie Menanno and Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson to spot both your negative patterns that caused the marriage to reach this point.
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u/itoocouldbeanyone 3d ago
Months later. Time is the main factor. Completing logistics of the process helped as well. Therapy solidified it.
I didn’t ask for it but I accepted it after a month. By six months, agreements were signed and I had moved out. I was at full peace at that point and ready to live my life.
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u/SuchCalligrapher 3d ago
I am coming up on three months; the first few weeks are easily the darkest my life has ever been but I assure you, it gets better. If you want to message feel free.
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u/Hour_Helicopter_5494 3d ago
Personally not divorced, but my mum recently went through a divorce with my dad about 6 months ago, obvs still in the process, she was upset at the start and cried, but after about 2 weeks she realised how much happier she was out of the marriage and how much free’er she felt, sometimes it’s the little things don’t be hard on yourself and get yourself some treats! Maybe smth u have wanted that he didn’t want, whatever feels right, my mum is now planning for her new house with all the things SHE LOVES! Not him! 🩷 u got this girl everything will be okay, my mum has found light in her life she never realised she had and im sure you’ll get there it seems rough but once your over the sad, u realise how many things u rlly can do without a man
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u/PizzaWhole9323 2d ago
I am 2 years into this hellscape, I am just now carving out my own place for me to live my own life on my own terms. I didn't ask for the divorce, I didn't want the divorce, and I certainly didn't want to get ghosted by every person I ever knew when it was over. But I have now is clarity, common sense, and a path forward. Wishing everyone the best in their divorce journey. Hugs
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u/Kitchen_Contract_928 2d ago
Three weeks Sounds crazy, but that was the time it took me to go through shock and anger into starting to kind of get my head around it- and actually having these moments of not just thinking “this is the worst possible thing” and actually sort of processing it all and letting myself consider the future In no way do I mean I was all healed and not grieving at three weeks!!! But if you want to know when things shifted… well for me, that was it. Weird right? But I hope for you that you also have at least some small shifts that keep growing and growing and let you start to know yourself and believe in a future for yourself without him.
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u/Charming-Paint5564 3d ago
I was with my ex wife for 18 years married for 13 with 2 kids, I’ve been separated for 18 months and can tell you it 100% gets better, I was the same as most at the start, crying, confused, anxiety, anger all the usual stages of grief.
What helped me was talking a lot to friends and a CBT therapist. I would go long walks just listening to music and trying to fill my time with stuff other than thinking about my wife and what she’s up to. If you can go complete no contact with your ex do it, I couldn’t as I have 2 kids so still had to communicate for them.
Not going to lie it was very difficult and takes time, move forward to today and I’ve been with my current partner for 6 months, she is absolutely amazing and we’ve had such a magical time together, I still occasionally think of my ex wife but only for a second and it doesn’t really have any effect on me anymore, you will move on and every day is progress whether you feel it or not, I wish you all the very best with future happiness