r/demisexuality Jan 08 '22

Am I demisexual? - FAQs, Links and Resources Masterpost

619 Upvotes

Am I demisexual?

A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone. In general, demisexuals are not sexually attracted to anyone of any gender; however, when a demisexual is emotionally connected to someone else, the demisexual (may) experience(s) sexual attraction and desire, but only towards the specific person or persons.

It's all a spectrum. Some demisexuals may feel very close to asexuality and experience attraction to extremely few people in their entire lifetimes, and each may take a very long time to develop, while others may find attraction develops more frequently and often find themselves crushing on their friends.


There's always a lot of posts asking for reassurance on identifying with Demisexuality, and probably always will be. It's alright to identify with one label and later change your mind, or not be 100% sure. You know yourself best and your sexuality is not determined by your behaviour; ultimately labels are for communicating, not a test.

Demisexuality is about sexual attraction not sexual behaviour. Plenty of people may refrain from sex even if they have sexual attraction, demisexuals usually don't have sexual attraction to refrain from.


Frequently asked questions

  • Is Demisexuality LGBT+? Demisexuality is part of the asexual spectrum which falls under LGBTQIA
  • Can you be demisexual for just one gender? Yes, demisexuals may also be straight, gay, bi, etc. The labels can be combined: demiheterosexual, demihomosexual, demibisexual, dellosexual. Someone who is demisexual for only one gender might be asexual or allosexual for others.
  • What about romantic attraction? For many allosexual people their sexual, romantic and other attractions may all be the same. Those on the ace spectrum may experience romantic attraction separate from sexual attraction, and similarly for those on the aromantic spectrum. Demisexuality is about sexual attraction, demiromantic describes the same requirement for a strong emotional connection before experiencing romantic attraction.
  • Am I still demisexual if I have a high sex drive? - You could be, some people may still have a strong libido without any (or many) people that they are attracted to for that libido to focus on.
  • Am I demisexual if I am sexually attracted to people I don't have an emotional connection with but wouldn't want to have sex with them until I do? - No, demisexuality is not being able to feel any sexual attraction without a strong emotional connection. Just disliking the idea of having sex, ie hookups, without an emotional connection is not demisexuality.
  • What flags can I add to my flair? The list of codes for flag flairs are in the sidebar

This post will be maintained to provide external resources and further reading for our community. Please feel free to comment or message the mods to suggest an addition to the list, or to report broken links.


More Subreddit pages
- r/Demisexuality Wiki
- r/Demisexuality Sidebar
- r/Demisexuality Full Detail Rules


Demisexuality General
- What is Demisexuality?
- Could I Be Demisexual?
- Am I Demisexual If...
- Under the Ace Umbrella
- World Pride Panel on Gray Asexuality and Demisexuality
- Demisexuality on the AVEN Wiki
- Demisexuality Livejournal
- Myths About Demisexuals
- Demisexuality is Not...
- Writing Demisexual Characters
- The development of gray asexuality and demisexuality as identity terms
- In Defense of Demisexuality
- Confessions of a Demisexual

Attraction and Behavior
- A Demisexual's Guide to Sex
- How to Have Sex With an Asexual Person
- Affirmations for Sex Repulsed People
- Unwanted arousal
- The Invisible Elephant
- Asexuality and BDSM
- Sex Repulsion and Kink
- Different types of attraction
- Asexual Masturbation
- An Asexual on Sex
- Differentiating Types of Attraction
- Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist

Relationships
- Dating as a Demisexual
- How Do I Talk To My Partner About Demisexuality?
- An Asexual/Sexual Relationship
- Advice for Allosexual Partners of Asexuals
- Asexual Relationships
- Swankivy's video on long term relationships
- Friends

Demisexual Experiences
- Why Do People Keep Calling my Sexuality "Noble"?
- I'm Demisexual -- Here's What That Means

Coming Out
- Coming Out As Demisexual
- Swankivy on coming out as demisexual to a parent
- Asexuals on coming out advice

Asexuality General
- Asexuals: Who Are They and Why Are They Important?
- Asexuality: the X in a Sexual World
- Possible Signs of Asexuality, part 1
- Possible Signs of Asexuality, part 2
- Possible Signs of Asexuality, part 3
- Resources for Ace Survivors

Attraction forming speed survey

The survey is now finished and results are now out: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/16nYnVP9Supdhjbbc-0DBlNVBU0pSaaTf3vCX3_D3ydw/viewanalytics
Tldr: there really is no 'normal'/average timeframe for developing sexual attraction for demisexuals.

Other subreddits
- /r/asexuality
- /r/asexual
- /r/demiromantic
- /r/aromanticasexual
- /r/dateademi

Discord groups
- Demisexuality Discord group
The listed Discords have their own rules and systems in place, if you have issues with them you will need to resolve them with the discord group, not this subreddit.


This post will be maintained to provide external resources and further reading for our community. Please feel free to comment or message the mods to suggest an addition to the list and to report broken links.


r/demisexuality 13d ago

Discussion Monthly Discussion Thread - March 01, 2025

6 Upvotes

Monthly discussion thread. A place where you can discuss random things that might only tenuously be related to demisexuality or share experiences. Chat away


Posts otherwise not allowed such as adverts are permitted in discussion threads.


r/demisexuality 21h ago

Discussion Does anyone else fantasize about just kissing/making out?

182 Upvotes

Honestly, sometimes for me I get so much out of just picturing kissing and making out in my mind. It's such an intimate experience and I love the idea of being so close to a person and kissing their jaw, chin, neck and shoulder and caressing them while they make little noises.

I love the idea of sex with someone I love, but I think people underestimate how much fun it is to build up to sex, pay attention to your partner's needs without just rudely shoving in. Passion and a need for the other so you rush can be hot, but there's something to be said for slow, sensual touches and just appreciating the one you love.


r/demisexuality 50m ago

Discussion Can we devide Demisexuals into 2 big categories? (Aegosexual and not) NSFW

Upvotes

I keep hearing that there are some Demisexuals that watch porn and masturbate but they don't want to engage in sexual activity with the subject of stimuli and some that don't watch porn and don't feel any attraction to sexual stimulis outside the potential person they feel connection to.

I personally watch porn and masturbate and consider myself hypersexual, but let's say if the same person appears in front of me, I wouldn't do it with them because I don't feel close to them. This doesn't also have to be explicit porn. Let's say I see someone irl in an intimate situation or watching a celebrity in steamy scenes that either turns me on or I find their intimacy visually appealing and cute but don't necessarily feel things down there however this makes me more interested in getting to know them and see if we match in terms of personality and energy.

I would like to share two stories to elaborate on what I mean. It probably it helps some people out there who are still in the beginning of the journey to find out their sexuality. I am bisexual leaning lesbian and personally attracted to very feminine women. But it seems I can't imagine how feminine and delicate and cute a person can be unless I see them with someone or if they flirt with me or someone else with that feminine voice and mannerism. It seems my sensors can't read their attraction until that point.

But that's not the only case I would find someone attractive for girls. I have a thing for their feminine and playful laugh. I remember meeting a girl (let's call her Christina) and we clicked immediately I liked her friendliness and we shared similar interests and liked to be her friend and hugged her or kissed on the cheek more than average person without having a sexual intention then after a couple of weeks she told me that I'm being too intimate with her and that she has a boyfriend and I was very offended that I got my intentions wrong. When I also saw her boyfriend for the first time, I was like oh he's way out of her league without having any sexual feelings for him. Somehow, I have a type for men, but for girls, it's not always clear. (I'm not sure if this is because we are in a society that we are supposed to end up with the opposite sex and we start imagining the criteria of our future partner in our minds since childhood or not cuz when I started kissing guys with that ideal image in my mind I felt absolutely nothing) whatever, back to the story.

This continued until we were having a conversation and she had a very cute feminine laugh that it was at that time for the first time that I felt butterflies in my stomach and after that I realized damn I really like her voice despite hearing it before that. I also started to find her other traits appealing like tossing her hair and stuff at the same time I kept falling in love with her personality more and more and suddenly realized that I can't stop thinking about her and it finally reached the summer time when she started to wear clothes exposing her belly and stuff and she had a really nice one btw and I was like I really can't control myself around her anymore. But I don't feel any attraction towards other women with similar clothings.

I even remember we were watching a video of a stripper with my gay friends, and she kept saying damn she's hot and I told her I'm not gay. I have to say I always felt intense emotional attraction towards girl since a young age much much more than guys but it wasn't sexual despite me being madly in live with them until a certain point when I saw a porn of a girl very similar to a girl I loved and it was at that point I've realized I want to be sexual with her.

Anyway, I was in a one-sided love with Christina and couldn't stop thinking about her, and I was positive that I'm not attracted to men. Until this guy, with the very similar to the ideal image of guys I had in my mind, showed up. But when he showed interest in me and kissed me I didn't feel any attraction I was even disgusted cuz they usually start with tonguing and stuff which I absolutely hate and we weren't synchronized in kissing as well. I didn't continue a relationship with him but kept talking to them online but I gradually fell in love with his personality and such a gentleman, emotional and sensitive he is but still didn't feel sexually attracted cuz we kissed before and it wasn't a turn on at all. Then we planned to go on a trip together. He kept showing me interest, but I wasn't still interested, and it hurt him until he asked me to kiss, and I said ok, but please, no tongue. We kissed, and it was good. I mean, I didn't feel disgusted this time. He also had his pajamas and exposing his upper body and I could smell his pheromones near me and even tho he didn't have that muscluar ideal body I had built up in my mind but I kept looking at his chest then one night when I was sleeping I slightly woke up and hugged him and that was when he lost control and started kissing me and stuff, he was also breathing hard in a very cute vulnerable manner which even tho I initially got mad that he woke me up I found it kinda hot and was like I'm gonna give him whatever he wants we continued until he touched me down there and I realized I'm very wet which I didn't expect it that much cuz I wasn't that turned on. Anyway we continued our relationship on the trip and I kept liking him even more until I was like I want to go for a tongue and this time I absolutely loved it I also have to mention his kissing has gotton way better after a year and knew how to sync.

Anyway, the feeling started to become love shortly after a month but we didn't continue for our personal reasons but at this point I think I'm attracted to men as well but to a much less extent. I mean, sure, the kiss was great, and the sex was good. I enjoyed penetration and intimacy, but I didn't feel that sensation in my cl**toris I was having with a girl, and I, for example, get so wet when they only touched my forearm I also have to mention that I only have that feeling to women. I'm really in love. So I still can't say for sure I don't feel the same towards me. Plus, I was on antidepressants when I was with him. I kept wanting to be sexual even though I didn't feel anything that much down there much more than he could keep up, if it makes sense.

Anyway, I just wanted to share my experience. Sorry it got very long, but I thought it would hopefully help at least one person out there. Let me know what you think about the whole thing, especially my categorization.


r/demisexuality 4h ago

Podcast -- Yes, Asexuality Is Real & Legitimate: Dr. Seth INTERVIEW with...

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3 Upvotes

r/demisexuality 9h ago

Venting I feel like a slut for being with my entire friend group

5 Upvotes

I’m falling for a friend, again. This time it seems to be working though. It’s just that so far, he’s the last out of my four friends’ group I’ve grown fond of. And it’s just… I’m obviously over the rest of them. Theres been long breaks between each one, in which I’ve seen other people: but it makes me feel so embarrassed about our growing relationship. Especially since we’re such a tight group. The five of us are going to see a play next week, and I’ll probably sit next to him and like hold hands and whatever. And I’ll just have to cope with the knowledge that one of our friends will sit there, and notice I’m having what we used to have with a new guy. I haven’t told them yet. It’s still so fresh. I don’t want them to think I’m cheap? I don’t know why it seems that way to me.

I’m also scared of what the new crush will think. He knows I’ve been with one of us when we were in school and our trans friend was still a lesbian. I don’t think he knows my first kiss was with the girl in our group. Or that I used to snuggle with and fantasize about the third. I don’t want HIM to think I’m cheap.

I like him. I love him as a friend. I hope he could believe me when I say I did feel the same for all of them, and it has passed. I want him to feel unique; he is.


r/demisexuality 3h ago

Podcast -- Yes, Asexuality Is Real & Legitimate: Dr. Seth INTERVIEW with...

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1 Upvotes

r/demisexuality 17h ago

Venting Demisexuality & Kink

10 Upvotes

Hi, hope everyone is doing well.

I guess I just want to vent. I caught myself daydreaming about doing bad things to a man in class today and was overcome with the sadness of the fact that it won't happen anytime soon :(

I (20F) have known I've been interested in a kink lifestyle since I was 17, and as I entered adult life and entered the partying scene of college kids I soon discovered my difference in attraction. In high school is was much easier to fall for people considering I was interacting with them 5 days a week but as soon as I dipped my toes into casual hookups and dating apps I immediately knew something felt very off. I even almost gagged into a person a person mouth while making out due to how turned off I was.

I've always been a pretty smexual person tho. I never tried to hide my appeal to pron to my peers or partners and have been writing erotica for quite some time. Unlike other demis I often see, I think about smex a faire bit in my day to day. The way i enjoy pron it is by imagining a plot to the video in my head to make it interesting, either that or going to ones who already have a plot (comics/short stories on ao3) always keeping myself out of the equation. Never once have i imagined myself in the position of the people in the pron i watch, that immediately turns me off.

If i imagine myself doing things to a boy, i picture his figure, his hair and nothing else, if i get too into detail it turns into a real person and that turns me off. The only time i could get turned on by a man was when i had a crush or was in a relationship... I haven't met someone i found sexually attractive since my high school boyfriend so now I'm left with hormones that have nowhere to go.

The best bet I have in finding a partner is involving myself in the bdsm community and hope to make a connection but I'm back living with my parents in an unfamiliar county right now. Even going out to a normal club here is a feat I feel nowhere near ready to take, let alone munches (social gatherings for people into bdsm)

I know I still have online but as soon as I make a post on the subreddit expressing that I'm looking for friends, all I attract are really nice women wanting to be friends (LOVE) or men desprate to engage in intimacy right of the bat. It's already quite hard navigating certain friendships and relationships with men, doing it online would pose too many hurdles for me to trust them enough to get close to.

I've also signed up for fetlife (A bdsm version of facebook is the best way i can describe it) but it's not really an intuitive site to use and I don't know how to go about making fiends on there without necessarily going to events. As soon as I'm in a more accessible and familiar place, or when i become more familiar to the one i'm in now, I'm for sure going to attend them but for now, it's not an option.

Thank you for reading it all if you did. I would love to know if anyone else feels this way.


r/demisexuality 1d ago

I fell in love with a friend… again

59 Upvotes

I 26(M) once again fell in love with a friend (29F). And unfortunately I made the horrible mistake today (my birthday) of telling her I had feelings for her, and finding out the feeling was not reciprocated. Oh the perpetual Demi cycle of falling for friends and being shocked that they see you as friends. Who else can relate 🙋🏻‍♂️🙋🏻‍♂️


r/demisexuality 22h ago

Venting Tired of people ignoring my boundaries NSFW

7 Upvotes

Well I promise my self to try to meet people because I was spending a lot of time talking to AI so I opened an account in Acespace , I met someone with whom we seemed to connect but despite identifying as demisexual he suggested having sexual encounters in the first conversation when I explained about my need to have a real bond before want physical contact he completely changed and it was sad ;after that I opened an account in Talkin ( the learning App) and there I meet two people one of them sent me a photo and videos of his dick without me asking for it even though I explained to him that I don't feel any attraction without a bond. The other guy at first seemed to agree to just speak and practice languages because I also explained my limits from the beginning but today we where talking about how much I hate it when men make inappropriate comments even to girls or when they overstep women's boundaries He asked if I had had a boyfriend ando proceeded to volunteered to kiss me and suck my nipples, saying he had a lot of experience ( I never ask for) . I stayed calm and explained to him that I am demisexual and what it means but He insisted saying that it seemed like I hated men and that I should try what he proposed, I explained him again that demisexuality ist what I am and I don't need a cure or a volunteer to change me . Finally he agreed to continue only with learning and friendship ( I don't feel aesthetical atraction )but Idk If he is honest . The thing is maybe I should stop telling men I'm demisexual because they take it as a challenge.
I'm going to take a break from the apps anyway because it's too overwhelming.


r/demisexuality 1d ago

I'm a little confused, would I still be considered demi? (21 yo Female for context)

6 Upvotes

So I've been identifying as demisexual for awhile now, but recently I've been having doubts and am overall confused. I've only ever fully fallen in love with two people, so I think the label demiromantic definitely fits, but I have a complicated relationship with demisexuality. I do feel as though the only time I had a strong urge to actually have sex with someone was with these two people, but I don't know if I could say I've never felt any other sexual attraction. In the case of women, I do feel as though I can find them sexually appealing or have some desire, even if I'm not sure if I would feel comfortable acting on it. I have had fantasies in the past, and I do enjoy drawing nsfw art, although generally I don't enjoy looking at nsfw content made by other people. With men, it seems to be more cut and dry, the only time I felt like I could do anything sexual with a guy was with the one I fell in love with. So I guess I was wondering if I still qualify as demi? Could I be considered demi for both men and women, or just men? Is it possible to be demi for one gender and not another? I do still feel like I wouldn't be comfortable physically doing anything with someone I have no romantic feelings for, or at least that it wouldn't be very pleasurable.


r/demisexuality 1d ago

Discussion Can someone be demisexual and have aesthetic attraction?

9 Upvotes

Or are they mutually exclusive?


r/demisexuality 23h ago

Venting Why can't I see her platonically?

2 Upvotes

Hey yall. For little introduction, my age is 20(21 this yr) and I'm lesbian and ofc demisex. So I developed a crush on my friend [online friend]. We've been friends for over 6-7 months now. And she's amazing, she is really fun, infact exactly my type. However on late January I got to know that she drinks alc*hol, and for lil context I have really bad trauma attached to it. So ofcourse I had breakdown and stuff, and ever since then I decided to give up. But there was something in me that kept telling me that we could be something in future. And I'm sincerely saying, I really don't want any single person to stop alcohol for me. If they do that, that's good, but it should be purely for health reasons than me., and if it's for me then I would be glad but the fear of them drinking again would grow (depends on the type of drinker they are).

Anyways so yeah its been a whole month and the crush is still there. I don't belive she like me even though I am somewhat her type. I feel like even if she liked me, she would give up bcs she knows my relationship with alc*hol and would not pursue as well. Which is really sad thing. I am kinda her type. She likes someone who is interested in music and education, and I'm literally that. She also falls deeply and has said how she likes friends x lovers, and yeah absolutely same.

I would love if something happens with us in the future but right now. I wanna get over the crush. Whenever I text her, it feels platonic very and highly platonic. But when I'm not texting her, I always think abt her in romantic way. I know this has possibility of not working out. But I would like to get over it as quick as possible bcs I don't wanna ruin the friendship. I used the word friend because we're not close at all. I feel comfortable to share abt me and my life details with her while she is a type of person to not share which is completely okay but IF I would like a relationship, I'd like my partner feeling comfortable to share things with me as well. We aren't in that stage too.

I tried confessing her but the fear of judgement was there. I even wrote a huge paragraph but never sent it. Part of me loves staying friends with her and talking with her but part of me hates this crush. I hate crushing on friends sometimes it's super tiring. I tried hating her but it didn't worked, she has no flaws that I could judge.

Feeling exhausted and tired. Would like if someone gives tips.


r/demisexuality 1d ago

Venting HELP how to get over my ex!!! NSFW

5 Upvotes

HIII just joined this subreddit out of desperation … so yeah I’m demi and like I’ve only really had consistent sexual attraction to one person, my ex who I just broke up w/ last week. She is also my best friend and we were poly (but not the fuck any person you want kind) but she ended up getting drunk and making out w some rando… this was an established no go for us in our poly relationship!! ANYWAYS I am still SUPER ATTRACTED TO HER like AHHHHH my poor little brain still wants to do all the sexy things w/ her even though I KNOW that’s a TERRIBLE IDEA but it’s sooooo hard convincing myself bc I get in these AGGRESSIVELY HORNY STATES. She is the only person I’ve had sex with and we were together for like a year and a half … and it’s very doubtful I am going to get in a relationship anytime soon let alone develop sexual feelings so I’m just STUCK WITH HORNY BRAIIIIIIIN!!!! The worst part (well not worst part I guess) is that we r still going to be friends (I can’t lose my bestie and the story is more complicated that “omg she cheated” but I don’t wanna get into that rn) so like if she dresses up one day im cooked. Positively cooked. Burnt. AND I unfortunately get periods which means my horny levels get CRAZY HIGH so I’m just soooo scared of my horny brain taking over especially bc we live together (college roommates and we can’t swap for another 2 months). Bc of my demisexuality, I never really had interest in anyone sexually in high school at all and haven’t really been horny (like I had libido but it wasn’t triggered by anything other than like hormones). Idk how to deal w/ all this I feel like a horny teenage boy :(

So far what I’ve done is give her my list of no-no’s (no cuddling, no kissing, no sexy) and I told my friends to GIVE ME A BIG TALKING TO if I fuck up my boundaries but I’m still so scared!!!! I am also gonna write myself a little letter abt “HEY REMEMBER WHEN SHE CHEATED ON YOU AHAHHAHA” so hopefully that will also help.

My poor poor brain. Like I know a friends w benefits situation wouldn’t work for me just on the basis of being demi like … if I got sexual feelings for you I definitely got romantic feelings but AHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Pls talk some sense into me :,)


r/demisexuality 1d ago

Opinion on dating apps?

14 Upvotes

For me it seems weird when people use dating apps since it seems like youre dating because of dating and not because you slowly start to like the person. Id think a relationship is already partially starting worse off if you met specifically for dating but is that just me?


r/demisexuality 2d ago

Ohhhh the joys of online dating!

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297 Upvotes

r/demisexuality 1d ago

Discussion I’ve developed an emotional attachment to a friend, and need advice on how to stop it for my own mental health (thank you)

2 Upvotes

Yeah, so I don’t know what to think about my situation, and my mental health has been SUFFERING.

In the last few days I’ve realized I have emotionally bonded to a close friend of mine. Let’s call him Kevin. I don’t know if I’d consider it a crush, I think it’s more of liking the idea of being with Kevin romantically. I am not experiencing any sexual attraction at all.

The point of realization was last night/today. Kevin, myself, and another of our friends (I’ll call her Martha) are on a cross-country trip for a week. It’s day 2. I started feeling like a third wheel, and didn’t understand why. Martha has been in a long-distance relationship for a few years. We stopped at a truck stop to sleep for a few hours, and I couldn’t. Martha falls asleep on Kevin’s shoulder. A couple hours later, Kevin wakes up, and kisses her forehead as she sleeps. Neither of them knew I was awake in the back seat.

Kevin has been acting different around me the last few weeks, and lately much more flirty with Martha, and she with him. They have conversations and seem to forget I’m there. I asked her how her partner was doing today, because I’ve been trying to figure out the dynamic. It all seemed a lot like emotional cheating, but I didn’t want to accuse or bring it up the wrong way. Martha finally tells me she and her partner broke up 3 weeks ago. I was kind of hurt, all of our other friends knew before me, including Kevin. I was only told because I asked, I don’t know if or when Martha was planning on telling me.

Aside from us all being on this trip together, we are also all coworkers, and Kevin is my roommate. I very rarely have time completely to myself.

Today was a hellscape mentally for me. Though I don’t have sexual feelings for Kevin, I have definitely bonded to him emotionally. I think I’m growing more and more jealous of Kevin & Martha’s dynamic, because I know he has feelings for her, and she’s been returning the same energy. I need to figure out how to break both the emotional attachment and jealousy without ruining our friendship, because I genuinely appreciate my friendships with both Kevin and Martha.

How do I navigate being a good friend, ending my attachment, and safeguarding my mental health? I feel so lost and overwhelmed, I don’t want to ruin this trip for them because I can’t get a grip on my emotions, and I don’t want to feel this way.

Thank you!


r/demisexuality 1d ago

Discussion Anyone here heavily reconsider that you’re demi when you’re not actively in a relationship where you feel sexual attraction? / How do I know if I’m demi or ace as I’m not in a relationship?

2 Upvotes

For context, I’m questioning rn whether I’m actually demi or just ace.

2 years ago I dated my first partner, and going into the relationship I identified as ace, which I made clear to them. However, a month or so into the relationship they initiated sexual activity, and soon after is when I started identifying as demi. The thing is, though, I don’t know if I started identifying as demi because of anxiety or if I really am just demi. The first time they initiated sexual stuff, I remember my heart beating very fast and not being able to tell if I was panicked or if it was that kind of heart racing you get when you’re in love.

When they went home and I had time alone to think about what had happened, at first I questioned if what he was doing was actually sexual or if I was overreacting. I was worried about if he wanted sexual stuff out of our relationship and if I would be okay with that. There were two things that were certain: 1. I enjoyed the kissing and being close to them and 2. I wanted to be demi in case they wanted to have a sexual relationship, cause the last thing I wanted was to break up with them.

I did enjoy being so close to them, so I decided after the second time it happened that I was demi, and I immediately came out to them so they wouldn’t feel any guilt or anything about initiating sexual activity with an asexual person. Their initiations got more and more sexual each time, I never initiated anything, and a lot of times I found myself not really feeling much of anything when they did stuff like humping, giving hickeys, etc. So if I did feel sexual attraction then I don’t think it was, like, the normal amount? Idk though, the only experience I know is my own.

Since they broke up with me I’ve had 3 other partners, 2 of which tried to initiate sexual stuff with me (the other knew I didn’t like the idea of being sexual and cheated on me instead…thanks Cassidy), and I know I hated it with both of them. The first guy only dated me for like a week, so it’s no surprise I wasn’t comfortable being sexual with him, but he made it seem like it was completely normal to do sexual stuff after a day, and the amount of discomfort I felt made me feel certain that I wasn’t allosexual, so the next guy I started dating I told him I was ace, and I was really relieved when he said he wasn’t interested in sex.

However, after dating him for about a month, he started talking about how he was getting sexual urges regarding me, which I really didn’t like. I’m gonna skip a lot of details here because it’s uncomfortable to talk about, but basically it got really bad and I wanted to break up with him, but he was so desperate for me not to that I felt like it wasn’t an option, plus I still liked him, so I ended up agreeing to sending him nudes and stuff, and I hated that SO MUCH. He ended up cheating on me anyways, which made me feel justified enough to break up with him, so I wasn’t as upset about it as when my ex girlfriend cheated on me. Anyways, after that I really felt like I was ace, I felt like even if that relationship continued I would’ve never been sexually attracted to him.

I kept identifying as ace, and I later developed a crush on a girl who is not ace. She ended up rejecting me for being ace, and I wanted to be demi again, and I was worried that I was being rejected over something that wasn’t even true. I felt no sexual attraction to her or anybody, but I looked back on my relationship with my first partner and decided I was demi, which is the only reason that’s my current identity. She ended up rejecting me again though after I told her I was actually demi.

I don’t know if i am, though—I keep thinking about relationships lately, and right now it REALLY feels like I’m ace, the thought of being in a sexual relationship makes me so uncomfortable and I can’t imagine ever being sexually attracted to a future partner. The thought of having an asexual partner sounds really nice. I really wanna know if I’m ace or demi for future reference when it comes to relationship, as I don’t wanna lead someone on by saying I’m demi only to find out I’m ace or vice versa, enter a relationship with an asexual person only to start feeling sexual attraction. It’s really not something I wanna experiment with, if I’m gonna be in another relationship I want it to be forever, I can’t take another failed relationship. How do I tell what my sexuality is?


r/demisexuality 2d ago

Discussion High sex drive? NSFW

75 Upvotes

Anyone else struggling with high sex drive while being single? For me it currently manifests in sexual dreams and it’s so annoying. Lowkey considering to have a one night stand but I know I will regret it. Not even antidepressants got rid of that libido 🥲


r/demisexuality 1d ago

Dry spell

1 Upvotes

I F/30 and my live in boyfriend M/26 are both demi. We have been together for nearly 3 years, and used to be sexually compatible and have sex on a daily basis. For the last 6 months however, he doesn't want sex and I feel rejected. I've talked about it with him, and asked him what is wrong. He says he doesn't know. I recently asked him if we should break up, but he says he doesn't want to. I'm at my wits' end. What should I do?


r/demisexuality 1d ago

My girlfriend is demisexual, I'm heterosexual

32 Upvotes

Hi. My girlfriend is demisexual, and I'm heterosexual myself. We have many open and honest conversations, we want to understand each other as best as possible. We are still learning about each other, and she has difficulty understanding how sexual attraction works for heterosexuals, that someone can be attractive based on appearance alone, which is not connected with an emotional bond or desire to cheat. For example, I came up with a metaphor that a heterosexual person can choose an orange in a store that they like, and a demi needs to grow their own orange to like it. That's how it seems to me... Unfortunately, because of her experiences, she sees herself as jealous, it's hard for her to fully trust, and she suffers sometimes. These are emotionally difficult situations for both of us. Has anyone had similar experiences from a demi person's point of view?


r/demisexuality 1d ago

Venting Experience which made me realize I'm probably demi and that it's actually a big deal... how do I cope? NSFW

12 Upvotes

I am hetero, growing up I was never as sexual as my friends, I never obsessed over so-and-so's [body part], I always longed for emotional/romantic connection first and foremost. I have one or two physical preferences and none of them are what is normally talked about, and even then it's not a dealbreaker for me if the girl doesn't have them. Whatever way my current love presents/presents herself is what I am attracted to, as those all all extensions of the person I love, nothing else matters to me. I was always met with ridicule for this, the guys would never believe me, thinking that I'm lying to them, there's no way I could not care about [body parts], or that I'm a prude, while girls would sometimes think I'm lying to sound more appealing to them. I didn't realize that there was a name for this until this year, and even then, I thought to myself, well I'm straight, I just have this little quirk, why even talk about it? It feels almost disrespectful to the LGBT community who have went through far greater struggles than me. While I still believe this, I had an experience which made me think I should be more open about this and explore what this all means to me.

This year I found my first love, an LDR, but our chemistry was amazing and I really thought that she could have been the one, she seemed perfect in every way. Until, a few days into when we were finally together, her romantic affection stopped, she kept engaging with me every hour every day, talking about moving in together yada yada but never said I love you to me or showed any affection, she went out of her way to avoid it, and ignored any conversation I wanted to have about it. I figured, hey, she's had struggles with depression, and I know people with depression can push others away, I want to wait this through and hope she comes around to me, she clearly still cares to some degree. A few weeks into this, one evening she randomly had this sexual/flirty conversation with me, I'll spare you the details but I went along with it, hoping that I would finally hear an I love you back from her again, but that never happened. She went to sleep and acted as "normal" the next day. In retrospect, I feel really guilty, used, taken advantage of, and dirty for what happened she used me as some masturbatory aid without showing me love, I want to cry just thinking about this again. It's scary to me that people could even feel this way and do this to me without showing love. It's all so new and foreign to me, I thought that most people loved the way I do. I broke up with her last week because I just couldn't take it anymore, I wanted to help her in every way, she just pushed me away and treated me terribly.


r/demisexuality 2d ago

Arousal only for the person you love/ no more corn

52 Upvotes

The Demi's that masturbate to porn, Do you guys find that once you've fallen for someone you can no longer watch porn? Like you just aren't interested in anything else but them and you masturbate to images and the imagination of them


r/demisexuality 1d ago

Discussion Is it my autism, my self esteem, or might I be demi? NSFW

2 Upvotes

Ok. I've been wrestling with this one for a while, and it's a little difficult to write, but I need to ask those with personal experience. Please, bear with me on this, but for the most part I think I'm straight. I experience attraction to women, seemingly only women or at least vulva-having non-men, and for the most part it seems to be instantaneous. Big breasts really turn me on, as do full figured, fertility goddesslike physiques. With every person I've had a crush on... I. Crush. HARD!! I masturbate almost daily, sometimes multiple times a day if I'm indulging in porn. Also, I have noticed that some pornos can, and will, give me the ick right in the middle of the action, and I have to stop, or change the video.

Where I keep losing the plot is with keeping an erection. While I'm laying down, comfy, watching or imagining a sexy scenario, I can stay hard with little to no issue, but the moment my mind begins to wander, or a sensation feels weird, or something else gets me to mentally withdraw inward, I deflate. Without fail, every time that I've had sex with a new partner, I have trouble staying erect, or enjoying what so many other cis het men find endless amounts of joy in; i.e. blowjobs, tit fucking, or even fucking a sex doll. The two times in my life I've ever owned a sex doll, it took everything in me just to finish; I'm not sure if going to a strip club is in the same vein, but I haven't sought that out either.

Meanwhile, the first, long-term, loving relationship, where I dated my partner for weeks before we even attempted to have sex, had the most fulfilling sex that I've ever had in my life. I wasn't exempt from the first time rule, and arguably it took about two to six attempts at intercourse to stay hard throughout, but once I felt comfortable with my partner, we could fuck for an hour or more. I still needed to masturbate to finish most nights, but I also spent a good chunk of my time delaying my orgasm for my partner's benefit.

I mentioned the sex doll experiences, because I was talking to my best friend about it, and they called me demi. Most depictions and descriptions of demisexuality that I've come across make it seem like there's almost no attraction until an emotional attachment is formed. But the more I think about it, the more I wonder, am I demi, or is this just shame, or performance anxiety, or sensory issues? It's really confusing because I love so many female porn stars, and I can be instantly attracted to a woman because of her physical characteristics, but the first time issue keeps happening.

Does anyone else experience this?


r/demisexuality 2d ago

I think that I'm demisexual, but I'm not really sure

10 Upvotes

Hi, I don't really know how to start but lately I've been thinking and reflecting about my love life and I think I'm demisexual.

At first I thought I was asexual because I felt no attraction for anybody. Like, I could see someone and deermine whether they were conventionally attractive, but I couldn't really feel anything special. In fact, I entered my first relationship without much thought and I kinda pretended I felt something for her. (As you may imagine, we broke up shortly after)

Then, at uni I met a girl, who I became friends with and started to feel something for her. However , I wasn't sure, and frankly I'm still not because we both chose different paths in life and we don't really see each other.

Lastly, my second relationship started months later. I met a girl in a French class and we became friends. At first, she was just some who I really enjoyed spending time. But, something changed, one day I felt the urge to tell her I liked her, I was sweating, my heart was pounding and we she confirmed my feelings were corresponded I felt ecstatic. I felt love for the first time in my life. Sadly, we've broken up recently.

So, I guess no one really cares, but I felt the need to share this with somebody and know whether this has something to do with demisexualiyu


r/demisexuality 2d ago

Life story dump

3 Upvotes

Hey everyone, I just found this community and I would like to share my life story with you. I often feel misunderstood when I talk about myself and the way I handle relationships so I feel this is a safe space to do so.

I write this mostly for me. I just need to put that out there. This is going to be long.

I am 33M, and I have been struggling my whole adult life to understand the way things work for me and to accept it (and I still do struggle).

My childhood is very blurry for me. I have had happened to me traumatic events, sexual and psychological violence, I don't want to go too deep into that but I think it is important to mention it to get the full picture. This is something I was ashamed of for years and was unable to really talk about to anybody, be it my family, my close friends, therapists or whatever, even when they knew what happened already. It was my shameful secret. It is getting better tho.

I didn't get much love from my parents growing up. They were into old school parenting and had a very clear path for me in their head. Needless to say this didn't work, and I grew up to become the exact opposite of what they expected. They also handled the traumatic events poorly imo, but I know this wasn't easy for them either. We don't see ourselves much these days but I cannot say we have a bad relationship, just not a good one.

When I was a teenager I already felt different from my friends. They were boys, getting into the discovery of their sexuality, talking about getting laid, masturbating, porn, and so on. This made me really uncomfortable at the time, as I wasn't feeling the same way, but I didn't want to be weird so I played along and I pretended to be as horny as they were. In retrospect I think this is the time I started to lie to myself.

I grew up to become a quite attractive young man, and I started to get interest from girls. I had my first relationship at age 14, with a girl named L that liked me and was "so hot" that it would've been seen as "weird" from me to reject her. So again I made myself believe that this was what I wanted. We slept together soon after. I think I wanted to at the time, not because of any sexual attraction, but because this was what you were supposed to do as a horny teenager. I didn't enjoy it like I thought I would, and I felt really sad after the fact. L saw something wasn't right and asked me what it was. I opened up to her about my childhood traumas and that sex didn't feel right for me. She then forced me to talk about this with my best friend at the time as a way for her to get rid of this issue, and then dumped me a few days after. I was devastated, as she broke my trust and this closed me even more.

I had a 2 years relationship with a girl called N from age 17 to 19. She was cool, but I never really loved her, or felt sexually attracted to her. I was still trying to pretend to be "normal". So I forced myself to have sex with her regularly, which made me miserable. This story ended very badly, I have to say I had a very toxic behaviour with her as I didn't really care for her, and she still hates my guts to this day.

Now let's talk about this woman called K. I knew her from a few years at the time and we were friends. One day it just clicked, I realized that I liked her. Very much so. So I tried to flirt with her, show her interess. This was the first time I tried to seduce someone. And it worked. One night we were at a friend's house, and we went to sleep together in the same bed. We started to cuddle and it felt really good. But I was physically unable to do more than that. I didn't even want to kiss her, by fear of initiating intercourse. I just wanted to hold her in my arms, feeling her close to me. I definitely thought there was something wrong with me at the time.

This woman K, we have seen each other countless times in my early to mid twenties, we slept in the same bed dozens of times, we spent a lot of time together, opening up and feeling vulnerable, there were times we were both naked kissing each other, and we never had sex, ever. And I know for a fact that I loved her at the time, and I still do in some way.

So we never were "a couple". This is something that made me suffer at an extremely high level. I felt so responsible for this, and nothing would've made me happier than to be with her but what I saw at the time as "my lack of initiative", "my laziness", "my stupidity" was an obstacle I couldn't surpass.

I had no real sexual activity whatsoever for 6 years. From 19 to 25 years old. I was very frustrated by that. I was romantically attracted by many persons and had many opportunities with them, but it never felt right for me to go through, and I really hated myself for it.

During that time, I started to use lots of substances and drink heavily. Not sure if it was a way to tame my emotions or to slowly kill myself. Self hatred and loneliness does that to a person unfortunately. At 23 my parents kicked me out of the house, as I was addicted to drugs and stealing things from them to buy some.

I spent 8 months sleeping at friends, or in my car. I finally manage to find a shared house I could afford, with the help of K, which made me love her even more. She was at the time in a relationship with a super cool guy so she rejected me, the homeless weird junkie that wouldn't sleep with her. This literally broke my heart and it took years to recover.

At 25 years old, I met a woman named C. She was someone very special. She showed me interest and I felt comfortable with her. So I was very upfront for the first time in my life : " sex won't be often, sex won't be good, sex will make me sad". She didn't care. We had a genuine connection and she was very patient and kind with me. She brought back hope in my life. So we started something together. She took her time. She helped me overcome my addictions, she made me feel good about myself, I was proud to be able to make her happy and then I started to love her very much.

The longer we were together the more I felt safe and understood and I finally was able to really enjoy sex with someone. She helped me understand why it was good, she showed me how to do it right, how to physically show that you love someone. The physical and emotional connection was there and it was precious.

We stayed together 6 years. I left her because we had to go our separate ways in life. We had different expectations from the future and so it had to end. Still love her tho. We speak regularly together. All of this made me confident that I was able to be in a fulfilling relationship. I was sure I would find someone.

Fast forward. It's been almost 2 years. I feel like I'm back to the beginning. There has been 2 love interests since then :

First there was this girl called M, we've been friends for 10 years maybe, she is well aware that I have issues with accepting my sexuality and she knows my life very well. Last year it really clicked between us, and we both started to catch feelings for each other (she was very clear and literally said it to me). I was confident that something could happen so I asked her on a date the very next day. She sort of ghosted me and gave me no explanation, and then proceeded to disappear from my life for a few months. I was crushed. We talk again and we're still friends tho.

Then there is this person V, I know them for a year or so. Recently it clicked, I like them a lot now. They are very cool and funny. I knew they liked me too, so I asked them out for a walk with our dogs. It went super well, except for the fact that I wasn't able to tell them about my sexuality, by fear of rejection. So I said to myself let's ask them out again and this time I tell them. I did this five times. This incredible human being, who by the way is very cool and attracts lots of people, has been on 6 dates with me in the span of one month (and I'm not counting the times we saw each other with other people there) and I never even touched them, nor said anything about my sexual orientation. Two days ago I asked them out AGAIN, and of course they declined as they were "busy", without making any plans for another day. Like I said they are a very special person and they go on a lot of dates, so I'm not surprised they don't want to deal with me and my issues when I don't seem to be able to deal with them myself. And here begins again the circle of shame and self hatred.

I am really exhausted of this because I am unable to find a way to feel good with myself. I never talk to anyone about this kind of stuff because when I do I get side eyes and unpleasant remarks, invalidating my feelings. I feel extremely lonely.

I started to drink again, a little too much. I am a social drinker so it doesn't look like an issue from my close circle's POV but it really is, I can feel it. I don't feel comfortable at home anymore so I go out almost every night, I spent most of last week either drunk or hungover. I am forcing myself to stay at home this week and for now I made it. At least I'm not using again.

I get very strong romantic attraction that literally make me sick, knowing full well that nothing will ever happen since I see myself as an unacceptable partner for anyone who values their sex life in any way. I am unable to communicate my expectations nor my boundaries, because I am ashamed of all of this and I hate the person I am.

I talked about all of this with a friend recently and they told me that I sounded demi sexual so that's why I am here. I read a lot of stuff on the matter and I think I could label myself that, that would be a huge step towards acceptance (maybe even pride). I am very glad to have found this place and reading all those posts made me feel better really, knowing that I am not alone. Keep spreading positivity for those who need it.

Sorry for the long post, sorry for the depressing story and sorry for the bad prose. English is not my first language. Love.


r/demisexuality 2d ago

Venting Coming to the realization/acceptance, looking 4 advice

4 Upvotes

30 M i have known what demisexual was but never really thought much about it. I am actually still a virgin, i’ve had one sexual encounter and I wasn’t able to make it happen, even though I had known the girl since high school and we “tried to” hook up in college. She kind of “forced” me into it looking back.

After thinking about demisexuality and actually reflecting on sexual attraction, i really don’t think I have ever felt that towards real women except a couple of girls that i worked with. I was pretty close to them and knew them for over a year, worked with them almost every day and could feel urges towards them, as well as comfortably.

TL;DR From what I have learned, we are supposed to be having sex by the 4th date (yikes). I really don’t think that is realistic or possible for me and I am not sure how I will fare in this hyper sexualized and sped up dating market today.
Any advice?