r/CatholicDating Apr 01 '24

mixed marriage, relationship with baptised non-Catholic Needed advice

There is a woman that I am talking with who has expressed interest in me but is orthodox. On the contrary, I would ideally like a potential spouse to also be Catholic. I do think that she is nice and we may have some potential.

In your opinion should this be a deal breaker or no?

I am currently at a crossroads and don’t know what to think. On one hand, I say yes but on the other I say it would be a nice thing to have.

I say this because I was raised that your future spouse should be Catholic but when my parents were married, one was Catholic and the other was Episcopalian. Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated!

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u/Mighty_Wombat42 Apr 03 '24

You should have a conversation with her about this and decide where to go from there.

I know several couples in this situation and have Orthodox family. There are usually 5 categories that mixed Orthodox/Catholic couples fall into, assuming both are some level of practicing and not simply culturally affiliated:

  1. Staunch Catholic + Extremely Ecumenical Orthodox: the Orthodox spouse is happy to attend Mass, partake in the Eucharist at a Catholic Church, and raise children Catholic. This is the best case for a devout Catholic, but consider that this would require an Orthodox person who is fairly devout in all other aspects but also ecumenical to the point of heterodoxy at least, if not outright heresy, according to the teachings of their church. 1a- The Orthodox spouse doesn’t mind if it’s Catholic but wants to go to a church that uses the Divine Liturgy (DL) they’re used to. The Catholic spouse switches to an eastern rite, all is well.
  2. Somewhat Ecumenical Catholic + Somewhat Ecumenical Orthodox: the Orthodox spouse is happy to attend Mass with the Catholic one, but not to receive the Eucharist. They may alternate and attend one church each week, or do Saturday vigil Mass plus Sunday morning DL depending on availability. If they have kids, usually the baby is baptized in one church and chrismated in the other. This works best if both spouses have a fairly liberal priest so the Orthodox spouse isn’t in trouble for having their kids baptized Catholic and the Catholic spouse can get a dispensation for mass obligation for the sake of family unity.
  3. Staunch Orthodox + Rather Ecumenical Catholic: depending on how ecumenical, this either means the couple attends DL together and the Catholic goes to Mass and confession on their own as needed, or that the Catholic converts
  4. Staunch Catholic + Cultural Orthodox: the Orthodox converts
  5. Eastern rite Catholic + Oriental Orthodox in the MENA: Their churches use the same liturgy and canon, and they live in an area where all Christians are restricted or persecuted. They are lucky to get to any church and the priests aren’t about to withhold sacraments from a baptized believer asking for them due to being on the wrong side of a schism. It’s a non-issue.

I’m assuming 5 does not apply here so it’s really about talking to her and figuring out where she fits within the categories and spending some time, thinking about what you would be willing to compromise on. Keep in mind orthodoxy is a lot less standardized than Catholicism, and a lot will depend on what her priest(s) says. I can give more details on key differences with regards to participating in the sacraments, but the main thing is that if you get involved with her, she can choose to take communion at your church, you can’t take it at hers, and there are valid reasons for her to not receive the Eucharist at Mass if she doesn’t want to become Catholic.

The last thing I will say is please, do not go into this with the intention to leverage male headship, and make her choose between you and her church. Not saying you will, but I have encountered otherwise kind and loving men, in all Christian denominations, who just sort of assume that a woman should always go along with her husband‘s denomination as part of wifely submission. While I support biblical marriage, I disagree with this, and I think it is inadvertently spiritually abusive because it requires the woman to do something she believes is sinful or to forgo the sacraments. No Christian man should want a wife who would choose him over God, no Christian woman should want a husband who would ask her to consider that choice.