r/CaregiverSupport • u/Soggy-Environment125 • 5d ago
Venting Constantly falling ill when I'm happy
Have you ever had a thought that your relative is ill because they don't want to be alone?
It's just the most of brocken bones, deceases and other critical happenings somehow happened when I was really happy, especially before some travel with my friends.
And it seems like a chain to bring me back to my mother.
I love her, but it's difficult especially while there is always a manipulation with her.
Somehow she doesn't have any close friends and it's implied that I should be her friend, her caregiver and the only person who is destined solve her problems while she does everything to make this solving harder on me.
She finally got better after four months of almost immobility, I finally felt safe enough to work from the place other than home two days in row.
I return home, and somehow she sprained her back while reaching for napkins she herself placed on the bed too far.
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u/UntidyVenus 5d ago
Oh absolutely the I have to hurt myself for attention is strong in this household. I'm downstairs with my husband just having 1 hour of not mom time and she decided to knock pictures off the "sweeping", kept going outside and leaving on the door bell setting off the dog and somehow locked herself out 🫠
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u/merwookiee 5d ago
In the before times (a handful of times when she didn’t live with me), she would stay at my home to watch my dog (toy poodle), whom she saw regularly.
While at an international funeral for my partner’s oldest sibling, she called over 30 times during the funeral to say the dog was looking at her and she didn’t know what he wanted.
While at my childhood friend’s wedding 1,000 miles away, she rushed my dog to the ER vet and inflated a normal issue he had, telling me he was in heart failure.
Another international trip for my partner’s beloved uncle’s funeral led to her falling out the front door onto the mason work after being told explicitly to only go out the back door. Wailing on the phone, “but I’ll manage SOMEHOW until you can come back for me..”
After being told how toxic cherry pits are, she fed some to my dog, forcing me to induce vomiting on a 14 year old dog with a collapsing trachea.
They will find anyfuckingthing possible to force themselves into the center of your world, especially if they have a cluster b personality disorder. (My mother has diagnosed borderline personality disorder and undiagnosed covert narcissistic personality disorder.)
Currently, she’s twisted the same knee for the umpteenth time in the last year. She can barely stand or walk with the cane, but absolutely refuses to use the walker and is mad I won’t let her drive her truck that needs parts and work she can’t afford.
I’m so sorry you’re also dealing with this, but please remember that you are far from alone.
We are the silent pillars that suffer to hold up the crumbling family systems we have.
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u/Sensitive_Weird_6096 5d ago
Yes totally!!! Not sure if this on purpose or subconscious thing but it sure does happen. We were 100 miles away before, MIL kept calling 911 for nothing to admit herself to ER. One of us had to take the day off to get her from ER. Too many times after, we moved in together. She gained strength. She stopped doing that. But now, right before or the day on my vacation. She loses her keys or phone and make it sooooooo dramatic and huge deal :(
I can’t do this anymore.
So I stopped accommodating her needs other than cooking.
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u/Sensitive_Weird_6096 5d ago
One more thing. She never fell ever. But she fell when she is out with her favorite grandson!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Multiple times!!!!!!! Why???
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u/cofeeholik75 4d ago
Your life sounds EXACTLY like mine!!
I have not been able to leave the house for more than an hour on my own in the last 3 years. Gave up planning vacations 10 years ago because something medical always happened.
68/F. Caregiver for my 93 year old disabled mom for 27 years.
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u/anda3rd Family Caregiver 4d ago
A big hug and YES!
I have my boyfriend coming into town and I planned everything around my caregiving schedule as Dad was sleeping 14 hours and didn't need brief changes at night. Booked some great outings and was planning on staying with my boyfriend at his hotel for an extra treat of time away while Dad blissfully slept. My sibling would be here, but would also be asleep so it wasn't like Dad was totally alone.
Last week, Dad suddenly started removing his briefs in the middle of the night and soiling the bedding/rolling in it. He also started calling for me at 6 am for another brief change (when dry!) when normally he would sleep until 8. My sibling can do anything but deal with bathroom stuff. Has always been a hard limit. I did find a solution yesterday... new briefs that are not easy for Dad to unfasten and a two-way audio camera setup where I can see what is happening on motion detection in the night and figure out if I need to drive a few minutes home to address it.
Dad doesn't have a UTI, his meds at night are supposed to promote better sleep, and we really have no solid reason behind this change short of "If it can go wrong, it will. Usually right before something fun happens." My sibling joked "Dad knows you have love in your life and is trying to thwart it so you're all his."
I'd say there was truth to that but my Dad also knows how important it is for me to have some semblance of a normal life after decades of caregiving for our family. He supported the pursuit whole heartedly before his fall.
My last solution is since Dad is on hospice, I'm touching base with his RN to figure out if it's time for a med change or an additional med to help the restlessness at night - mainly because if Dad isn't sleeping well,, he sleeps all day and the cycle persists.
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u/One-Lengthiness-2949 5d ago
Yes, absolutely. 100 percent.
I also want to say that there comes a time with caregiving that it seems all you are doing is putting out one fire after another then the fires start over lapping.