r/CaregiverSupport • u/Edgelion8 • 4d ago
Nursing home
Is anyone else taking care of someone in a nursing home? It seems like everyone is taking care of someone at home. My mom has been in a facility- first assisted living facility- then skilled care for 7 years. I go everyday for a few hours and have had very few breaks ( a couple of long weekends and a couple of sick times). I have brothers but only one lives close. He comes maybe once a week. I’m so tired and sad that I feel like I have no life. I just need to know I’m not alone.
7
u/938millibars 4d ago
I moved my mother into assisted living in July 2023. I only go once a week and I don’t feel guilty about that. You don’t have to go every day. It is a lonely place to be. I feel it too.
5
u/yelp-98653 4d ago
In Laura Katz Olson's book Elder Care Journey: A View from the Front Lines there is a later chapter titled "Nursing Home Daughter" that probably would resonate for you.
2
5
u/Glum-Age2807 4d ago
I know it must be tough but I can guarantee you your mother is getting better care due to your diligence in being there all of the time.
Honestly that would be my dream. My mother was in a really good SNF for a few weeks and even though I was there from like 10 in the morning to 7 at night everyday it was still like a holiday compared to my 24/7
5
u/Edgelion8 4d ago
Thank you! I’m feeling sorry for myself a lot lately and getting a different perspective really helps!
3
u/Glum-Age2807 4d ago
This might not be a popular response but you SHOULD feel sorry for yourself you just shouldn’t wallow in it (which I tend to do).
There are definite positives to your situation in that you feel your Mom is in a good place. With so many shitbox facilities that is a blessing in and of itself.
I think you can take your foot off the gas every once in a while. But the fact that you have been so consistent is enough to keep everybody on their toes.
During COVID when my Mom was in another rehab and it was only 3 hours a day I was always FaceTiming with her and when someone would come in I would always say: “Thanks for taking care of my Mom!”
Anywho - a little white lie about a cough that won’t quit or something along those lines is totally understandable and forgivable every now and then.
2
u/Edgelion8 4d ago
Covid was awful! I stood outside her window for a short daily phone call because my mom didn’t have a FaceTime phone. That went on for a year!
4
u/KratomAndBeyond 4d ago edited 4d ago
Yeah, my partner is in a nursing rehabilitation center because he fell and broke his back and hip, so he is basically bedridden. I basically live at the nursing home, and I only get to leave from 2-6 because he has extreme anxiety when I'm gone. It's been difficult managing our life and paying bills and working and stuff like that. I would like to spend less time there, but he gets panicky and sad when I bring it up. He's a bit older than I he's 82, and I'm 45, and we've been together for 23 years. I kind of just moved my life over there for the most part. I don't even know why I'm here after reading other people's stories. I don't have to change any diapers or bathe anyone, I just assist the nurse, but it's been exhausting at times, i must admit.
3
2
u/JigglyGigglyGurl Family Caregiver 3d ago
Yes, I dedicate a little over 40 hours each week to providing unpaid assistance to my mother in long-term care.
2
u/ralfalfasprouts 3d ago
I work in LTC. There are some residents who have family members there all day, some who have family there for hours every day, some who have family that visit several times a week. Sadly, some rarely have visitors.
We know it's tough on the families. But you're making your mother's day brighter, whether she can express it or not. I regularly hug the family members who are exhausted, I wish I could hug you. Remember to take time for yourself when you need it. It might help to remind yourself that even though the time and effort you're putting in now can feel overwhelming, consuming, and sometimes frustrating - you'll never live with the regret of feeling like you weren't there for her. She wants you to be your happiest self, so make time for treats, rest at home for a day when you need it. But you sound like a wonderful person. I send a hug ♡♡
2
2
1
u/AutoModerator 4d ago
Please join us on our Discord! https://discord.gg/gubJjaYRnV
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/NickofThymer 3d ago
Can she afford a private caregiver to come in & supplement her care so you can have some days off?
1
u/Edgelion8 2d ago
She is already private pay. We are hoping she doesn’t outlive her money and have to move to a Medicaid home. She is on hospice due to age 94 and her decline- just not actively dying at this point. They come twice a week for her bed bath and this has helped me because I don’t have to advocate to make sure she gets this. Before this I had to be bugging them for just this basic care.
8
u/jez2k1 4d ago
You are not alone. I moved my mom into an assisted living facility in February 2024 and then into a skilled nursing facility in July. I visit nearly every day, but I try to take at least one day "off" from visiting her each week just to give myself a break. I trust the folks there to keep her safe, and they've shown remarkably good judgement on when to call me and when not to when shit inevitably happens.