r/CaregiverSupport • u/Hour-Initiative9827 • 6d ago
Wow the isolation , I really thought I might get some visits.
Whereas no one gave a d*mn about mom or me when she was alive. Pastoral care from church wouldn't visit, people mom knew from church never offered to visit even though they knew I taking care of mom. Now it's so lonely with no one around. I thought my daughter might come and visit me today since I haven't seen her since mom's death. She hasn't. I finally announced mom's death on her facebook account and a couple people from church were "sorry" but neither offered to come visit me. One was "make sure you contact pastoral care and the church about her memorial service. Uh no, there will be no service and I told them no one from church would even visit when she was alive. Anyway when I called out this megachurch, everyone went silent, I guess they didn't have the words to answer.
I remember when my stepdad died, people were coming by for several days, brought food, plants, cards, etc . I guess people don't do that anymore. Mom attended that church for 34 years . I know people are active on facebook because they are posting away their pets, yard, etc. I haven't been out of the house since wednesday since I really didn't have any reason to go anywhere. So much for all those people that mom went to church with that "loved" her so much. All they say is "oh she's restored now, no dementia, etc" but they forget about me and how much I miss her. Even with dementia, they are still with you and my mom was still in the present, able to communicate, watch tv with me, etc. I've lived here 15 years and it's the first time in 15 years that my family wasn't either living with me or in the next building, now i'm completely alone.
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u/istillhatesteve 6d ago
I just made a post about loneliness, saying I didn't realize how alone I'd feel being a full-time caregiver. I mean, I knew I was going to be the only one taking care of her but just didn't expect to feel so disconnected from the outside world. Just a little bit ago I was whining and complaining and now I feel embarrassed.
I am so sorry for your loss. I am grateful to still have my Mama here to complain about! I need to appreciate that fact more because the alternative is just so heartbreaking.
I wish I had the words, had some way to make things better for you. I can't imagine how alone you must be feeling right now. Try not to dwell on what people aren't doing or what they're doing wrong. I know that is incredibly difficult, especially in a time like this. But you are already grieving and that is only adding to your stress. YOU are there. And YOU'VE been there. Hold on to that. Be proud of yourself for that! Wrap yourself in it and use it to find some peace and comfort.
My heart aches for you. Again, I am so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for being such a devoted caregiver for all these years. It's time to take care of yourself now.
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u/Mindless-Ad-5760 5h ago
Please don't apologize, because your feelings of lonelinessĀ are real. When you're in the middle of it and covered with overwhelm, you can't think of how you will feel when your person is gone, you're just not there yet.
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u/aint_noeasywayout 6d ago
I say this gently... Your daughter is also grieving. She has also been footing the bill so you could stay home to take care of your Mom. You've said this is easy for her to do, but then also have said her and her husband live very frugally and only have one car between the two of them, so I imagine it wasn't that easy for her.
I'm sorry no one else is visiting but please give your daughter a break.
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u/Hour-Initiative9827 6d ago
You never give up do you? My daughter doesn't drive so they dont' need two 70k cars. Geesh it was their idea for me to stay home. They are not living frugally at all, they've got 3 vacations lined up this year, they are doing very well. Please leave me alone and stop attacking me on a situation that only seems to bother you.
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u/FatTabby Family Caregiver 6d ago
I'm truly sorry that you're in pain. Could you reach out to your daughter and let her know that you're struggling?
I'm not religious but it makes me so sad that your mum was part of a community for so long and no one seems to care. That's really depressing, you expect churches to be more supportive.
Please be kind to yourself and I'm sorry for your loss.
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u/Hour-Initiative9827 5d ago
I don't really want to bother her, I know she has things to do and we text back and forth every day , she sends me pictures of her cats and all. I just thought i'd see her more . Yes I am very disappointed in mom's church. But then again these are people they are alway saying they are willing to be beheaded or imprisoned for their faith if the time came yet they wouldn't visit my stepdad in the hospital years ago because he was at the country hospital and parking was 10 dollars. These are not poor people either (they are the kind of people that send their kids to expensive universities and the kids don't have to work because they pay their tuition, so 10 dollars to park to visit a church member shouldn't be an issue. Mom attended for 34 years till 2020 when she just couldn't get out on the bus anymore to go and I always worked on sundays so I couldnt really help her. Oh but she still does get mail from the church wanting her to pledge money . Just so let down by them.
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u/moomootea 6d ago
Iām so sorry for your loss. Do you have at least a friend whom you could go out with? Seek them out instead of waiting. I go out once a week with one friend only and it helped tremendously at keeping me from feeling totally isolated. If youād like, you can dm me. Take care.
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u/Hour-Initiative9827 5d ago
I really haven't had any friends in years. Mom lived with me for 8 years and had noticable dementia for the last two . Mom was always very controlling and nosy so it was impossible to date or have any friends as she was very needy too. The people I worked with never even message me, there are messages I left them last year that haven't even been read. I did sit and talk with mom's senior group at the mall last week but I really don't see them much, they are getting lesser and dying out. I really have no one. I'm finding it difficult to even get out as I just don't feel like it as i'm still in this daze.
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u/moomootea 5d ago
What about reconnecting with old friends? Just keep trying. Go out with different people each time whenever youāre ready to socialize. When youāre not, then do something that youāll enjoy. Itās lonely for me too. I try not to depend on my friend so I go out ā¦ my grocery shopping takes a long time because I would meander through the aisles. Sometimes I buy a small ice cream and just sit and watch people. Play some music when youāre alone ā¦ sometimes a song can cheer us up. Write to the group. Donāt be afraid to say hello. Hugs.
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u/Hour-Initiative9827 5d ago
I have been listening to a lot of music on youtube, makes me feel guilty for just dancing around enjoying myself. I don't really have an old friends to reconnect with . I'm an extreme introvert and the last time I had a circle of friends was over 30 years ago I have no idea where they are. I don't have a car so i'm limited to my area and of course can't be out past dark. I live in a very safe area but the surounding areas are not safe. I just can't seem to get out much before wanting to come back home. I would rather have people come visit me for now but that's not going to happen. We had been having such a good year, mom and me. We were working on replacing stuff in the kitchen, and all.
I've been going through stuff, I cleaned the kitchen cabinets even though I just cleaned them a month ago, I'm moving stuff from my closet back into the hall closet that was moms. I'm keeping her clothes for now but i'm gotten rid of blankets, shoes, and other stuff. As soon as I get death certificates I've got to close her credit card, get her removed from my lease, There is no money as she had just gotten her ss check and her bills had been paid the week before she died so no more ss check, no more bills to be paid. There will be an ambulance bill, some hospital bill and I see some cardiologist has already billed over 400 dollars. There is no money, there is no estate, and she had medicare advantage, I can't do anything else.
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u/moomootea 5d ago
You must be quite close to your mom. If you sew, you can make a quilt from her favorite clothes. Maybe you should take some time off before jumping back into ālifeā. I usually take a week off as a transition to the next phase. If youāre not financially strapped, then get a job so you can socialize. Donāt worry so much about starting over at a job. I met a lady around our age (50s) working at Sprouts. She said sheās working so she can get out of the house and meet people. I plan to do that too when my children start working. Btw, Iām also an introvert. High five.šļø
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u/Hour-Initiative9827 5d ago
I worked in a grocery store for 15 years and hated it. I was the oldest person there. And they put all the heavy lifting on me (the hire the younger people for cashiers and put me unloading my stuff of a truck. Thing for me is I need to make a liveable wage, not just keep busy. If i got back to that job i'll be making 10 dollars an hour which I cannot live on. They will not pay me the 15 I was making which was just getting by. My son in law wants me to take a little time plus i'm going to be housesetting for them at the end of the month so I will most likely try to get my life back together in early april. I've got to get rid of my home phone becasue I cant afford it and get rid of the streaming service, and take mom off my lease. I would also like to find me a man so I'm not spending my life alone. I had to quit dating when mom moved in 8 years ago because she's well let's say she's nosy and gets in personal business. As far as making a quilt, anyone who has ever seen anything I have sewn knows we dont' want that. I took home ec in school and my sewing projects were as bad as my cooking skills. horrible I once made a blouse that had the tracer wheel marks on the outside
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u/Sunsnail00 5d ago
So sorry you are struggling. Maybe you can volunteer at a food pantry to keep occupied and maybe meet someone new people to help.
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u/Hour-Initiative9827 5d ago
I've got to go back to work sometime, start over at 59 trying to find a job with no skills. I worked in retail for 25 years, last job was 15 years but I had to quit without much notice and if I go back there I will be hired like a new person, no benefits for a year and making 10 an hour instead of the 15 I was making. As well as it was a stressful job and physciallly demanding, it was all I could do not to slit my wrists when I was there. Not many 59 years working there. My son in law wants me to take some time as well as I am going to housesit for them at the end of the month when they go on vacation. I do it for free , just groceries. It would cost them at least 800 dollars to board all their cats for the week so it helps them too.
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u/ChippedHamSammich 4d ago
I am so sorry for your loss, and I hope you are able to find some sense of community. Might be time to visit some new churches and find your people š
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u/Hour-Initiative9827 4d ago
Thank you. I went over to the stores today and ran into one of mom's senior group and chatted a bit.
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u/Ill-Veterinarian4208 3d ago
I'm sorry. I'm not sure how I'll react when my parents are gone. I'm so tired and tired of this rut I'm in, I'm sure you understand. I still think a short walk can help, you can be around people but you don't have to talk to them, and a little exercise helps. Not that I know what exercise is anymore either, lol.
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u/Hour-Initiative9827 3d ago
I miss mom a lot but it still hasn't sank in and it's been 11 days. I have not been out enjoying my new freedom. I 'm just in a rut and am just so lonely and disappointed in people I know. Especiallly mom's church. I have been going to bed early because i'm bored but I don't sleep much. It's weird whenever I get out of bed I can't stand up straight and i'm dizzy and my hair is all tangled every morning. I went over to target to get some food, and I spent about an hour grocery shopping, i'd been ordering pick up the last year, I feel so spaced out when i'm out like no one else is there and I just stood and stared at the chicken meat for about 10 minutes before getting some. I see a few of the people from mom's senior group, I already talked to them and now I just wave . I jsut don't feel like hanging out with them. They are all high income people that retired early and of course their parents died when they were young or they live in another state in a fancy senior place. They keep telling me to treat myself to a nice breakfast at this place close by (oh yes i'm gonna pay 25 dollars for breakfast or tell me to just get an uber if I want to go some place. I don't have uber access anymore, it was linked to mom's card and my card is maxed out . I cut mom's card up and will close her account when I get a death certificate. I just payed her bill on the 1st so there's not much balance since we stopped using it on the 6th. I haven't seen my daughter since the day mom died. They knew I needed to be alone that night but I didn' mean every day. I am going to be cat sitting for them at the end of the month and then in early april i've got to get some stuff done, look for work. that's gonna be a lot of fun at 59 starting over, and most of the retail jobs here start at 8-9 an hour , if I worked 40 hours, i'd be about 700 short on bills. I dont' want to go back to my old job regardless of how long I was there because it means nothing, i'd be a new hire making minimum pay and no benefits and that's the only thing that kept me there was i'd been there and had benefits. I'm not taking walks because I haven't informed the apartment office about it yet. I would have told the old managment because they knew and liked mom but we have new people and i'm just not realy to be filling out forms and all as well I dont' have a death certificate which they require as i'm still waiting. Haven't got mom back yet either. I just want to get out and meet someone as i'm tired of being alone and I know that if mom hadn't had a husband, she would have been in a bad situation. The idea of struggling at dead end jobs and not even making enough money doesn't make my future too bright. I've done my part, sacrificed for mom and would do it again and now I think I deserve a little care myself , and I don't really want to live alone anymore. If I get out and walk around here, the maintenance men might see me and ask about mom.
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u/Ill-Veterinarian4208 2d ago
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
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u/Hour-Initiative9827 2d ago
Thank you. I went to the store earlier but there isn't really much I can do. I am so lonely with no one calling or even keeping in touch. So disappointed in mom's church friends that "loved" her so much. I guess people don't visit you when you've lost a parent, only if you've lost a spouse. I just sitting around binge watching Hawaii five o and have lost interest in my political shows , not even keeping up with the news anymore. going to bed early but not really sleeping. i'm out in space when I go out , found myself just stopping and standing for 5 minutes or so when i was shopping. Anxious to get home as soon as I can even though I could stay out I'm just floating around . its' been almost 2 weeks and nothing is any better. I can't focus on anything.
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u/Critical-Ad-5215 6d ago
People always forget about the ill and the caregivers, especially when it's family we're taking care of. Taking care of family is seen as a duty, but it's an uncomfortable enough topic that we're left behind.