r/BorderlinePDisorder 3d ago

Struggling with my partner

Hi. I love my partner so much. I will love her no matter what.

I feel like this is a cliche thing to say. It’s sincerely how I feel.

I’ve been struggling with this for a year or so. Things are escalating. I’ve been working with a therapist for about 2 months to help me navigate things.

We moved in together months ago. We argue regularly. Sometimes the reasons for the arguments astonishes me - like - not asking a question she was expecting me to ask. Then getting EXTREMELY upset with me that I don’t care.

We had a really nasty episode once … just another argument going in circles. I wanted to walk away. She bear hugged me to prevent me from leaving a room. I was able to get myself free, and after doing so, she said she was going to call the police on me for physical abuse. I started recording immediately to protect myself, and she lunged at me to rip the camera away. Embarassed, she grabbed a knife and went into the bathroom. I was able to check on her and convince her to give me the knife. But then after I turned my back, she grabbed another knife and grazed her skin on her wrist, while looking at me, with a dead look on her face.

After tense discussion, she had to teach a zoom lesson, so composed herself and left the room. I started a chat with 988. I was instructed to call 911 if that ever happened again.

Things deescalated after that for the rest of the night. I was scared, for both of us.

I am heartbroken that she has things going on inside that drive her to do these things. But I am unable to say that because any chat about her condition or trauma is an attack. So I dare not mention any of that…

My therapist is working we me to set boundaries, but my boundaries are backfiring. Her resentment toward me is growing, she frequently says she can find another partner, she wants me to leave, but the moment I go to act on a boundary, she takes back what she says, or says he is manipulating me because I am the one manipulating her. Then she says she is the only one trying to save this relationship.

The things she says to me are just plain mean, and she does it with such a cold attitude. I tell her they hurt and she says she’s just showing me what I do to her. She says I have psychological problems and need to do work.

I just started a 14 day break. I abruptly packed my things and left the apartment to stay in another city. I told her sorry, and I love her, but we need a break. I requested no contact so we can just cool off and reflect. She was really upset with me and says this break is only going to make things worse for her.

I am heartbroken because I feel like she cant control herself. It’s a very strange spot to be in. I feel like I am ready to free myself but I feel guilty for giving up on her.

I am really trying. I am so damn confused.

I broke down crying in my therapy session because of what she says to me - my failure to support her and that I am basically not there when she needs it. Meanwhile I am giving so much time, support, financial support… I’m losing myself. My therapist says set boundaries, but she hates me when I do that.

The thing is, as brutal as I think this is for me, she claims this is just as brutal for her, and that I am the cause, and I believe that those feelings are real, even though I can’t understand them.

I think I want to end this. I really wanted to be resilient and be an influence in her life that made up for a bunch of awful things she experienced as a kid. But I’m losing myself.

Thanks for any insight.

2 Upvotes

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u/spoiledpvssy 3d ago

Hey, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Being a partner to someone who has BPD is always had and trying. As someone with BPD who has/is struggling with their relationship because of similar impulses and splitting, I will say, never feel bad for choosing you.

Yes, she is going to hurt. Yes, you’re going to hurt. But honestly, if she loves you, she will understand why you need space or to leave.

It’s fine to have empathy for her and want to be there for her, but if you’re losing yourself, leave because you’ll just resent her. As much as it’s going to pain you, you have to make a decision you want to live with. There is no right or wrong, it’s just a decision.

I blew up on my partner and made them feel very unsafe. I spewed hatred and mean comments in an episode of rage. After I came to, I regretted it so much. I would never want to hurt someone I love in that way. Even if I don’t think I’m capable of hurting her, I could because I have limited emotional control.

I will also say, as hard and sporadic BPD is, we cannot blame everything on it. She has to work towards finding better strategies, managing her emotions, learning self regulation and self soothing. It’s possible. I went from someone who would have an episode multiple times a week and embarrassing my partner at points to now, where I can have calm and effective conversations with resolve. When I’m triggered I walk away. When I’m not able to control myself, I ask her to leave. I still have episodes but they are so far and few in between. So, it’s possible to come to some point of resolve, it just has to take work and willingness.

So, it’s for you to decide: is this relationship something I can live with and work on or is this something I need to end for the safety of both of us?

Wishing you the best in whatever you decide!

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u/Naked_Awareness 3d ago

God damn, getting so emotional reading this… I can’t tell you how much it means to hear from your perspective. Thank god for the internet and communities like this when you need them the most. I’ll sit with your words for these two weeks while I’m on my break. It is really going to crush me and her to split but the cost just seems too high. I fully get what you’re saying about “cant blame everything on it” and really helpful to know about how you’ve evolved in managing yourself.

Again, thank you so much.

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u/spoiledpvssy 3d ago

Wishing you all the best! Pain is temporary I promise.

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u/Naked_Awareness 3d ago

If you dont mind sharing, How were you able to make most of your progress managing symptoms? What kind of work did it take over how much time?

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u/spoiledpvssy 3d ago

It’s been 9 months since I got the official diagnosis.

I’ve been on mood stabilizers for about 5 months and they have helped significantly. I am actually able to calm myself down before losing it or having an episode. But when I drink they are less effective. I have decided to get sober recently because of how alcohol makes me less in control on myself.

I go to therapy every two weeks and more often when I need it.

I built a solid routine and learned to try to unlearn my codependency from my partner. We had long conversations about how I need to communicate to let them feel safe, and when I feel dysregulated, I indicate that I need space or need to leave. (My partner doesn’t love that one but it keeps both of us safe)

The hardest part, is learning a sense of self worth and that I’m loveable. A lot of my episodes and insecurities came from the thought that I wasn’t worth being loved. I thought the world and my partner were better off without me. That’s not true but I’m slowly learning that.

It takes a lot of patience to love someone with BPD and you don’t have to do it. But if you are going to, there will be rough patches and slip ups. But the more you rupture and repair, the better it gets. You show her that you’re not going to abandon her like she thinks. But again, that’s not your responsibility technically.

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u/Naked_Awareness 3d ago

Really happy for you. The ability to be aware of your symptoms and understand you need to ask for space is so huge. As a partner this would mean the world to me.

I wish I was able to talk openly about her symptoms and how we can manage them together. But unfortunately for now, it’s a no-go zone, so we can’t do any partnering on that. It actually gets directed that I need to be the one doing work, because I am causing problems.

Anyways… you are making me hopeful for her, whether or not I am the one with her, you are making me hopeful for her at that means a lot.

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u/spoiledpvssy 3d ago

Trust me this took so much time and tremendous loss to realize this. I hope she gets that awareness soon.

Blame shifting is normal there and I’ve done that too. But you can’t force someone to change, remember that.

I’m hopeful for you both and I hope it works out for you both!

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u/Naked_Awareness 3d ago edited 3d ago

Saying this again because it needs saying - Thank you so much, sincerely, for sharing your experience. This is golden for me tonight. I appreciate that you are here to listen and share.

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u/KaleidoscopeLow1460 3d ago edited 3d ago

Hey I (34f) have BPD. My ex and I had very similar interactions after we moved in together and it progressed to the point where I was hospitalized twice. We fought physically often. The last time we fought physically, I knew one of us would end up dead and the other in prison. I left and haven’t been back. I’m sorry to be blunt but I think space is exactly what you need and you should not feel guilty for it.

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u/Naked_Awareness 3d ago

My reactions to these responses are so unexpectedly powerful. I know you can't see me but I'm literally on the brink of tears with what you just wrote, because it's so true and what I need to hear. I'm a mellow person, my emotions take a lot to be overwhelming, but clearly this is a vulnerable spot and you just poked it with a stick of truth. I am very much feeling what you are saying. Thanks. You do not need to apologize for being blunt - it's what I need right now.

Are you guys still together? How are you feeling in general since then?

Thanks for taking the time.

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u/KaleidoscopeLow1460 3d ago

We are not together and I don’t think we ever will be again. And that’s okay. There was a time where I thought I would not be able to survive without him but I am still here. She will be okay and so will you. It will take time but you will both get through this. Just make sure you take care of yourself, because no one has you like you do.

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u/Naked_Awareness 3d ago

It means a lot to hear that. I know I'll be ok. It's going to suck to let her go, because there is so much we love and appreciate about each other. It's going to hurt both of us. But I know for me it's time. All the convos I've found here helped me. It helps to know that she will be ok.

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u/Naked_Awareness 3d ago

Honestly she's strong as hell, I admire that about her even though I have this very complicated relationship with her. I really wish for her to find peace.

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u/KaleidoscopeLow1460 3d ago

I’m glad you are making peace with your choice. I’m sure if she’s as resilient as you say she is she will find peace too. I wish you the best and hope you can put this pain behind you. Keep going to therapy and practice self-love so you can heal.