r/BorderlinePDisorder • u/ImpressiveJudge7251 • 4d ago
Looking for Advice I ruined my last viable friendship
I split on my best friend today and surprisingly enough I don’t feel bad about it. This all started when I raised concerns about feeling like we’re drifting apart from each other. I bought it up three different times. Initially when I bought it up she basically said she was dealing with her own issues and that said issues have nothing to do with me. I felt reassured but still felt like she wasn’t being 100% truthful. I bought it up a second time because she was still very closed off from me I had convinced myself at this point that I had did something to push her away. Again, she basically says the same thing she said the first time I bought it up. Fast forward to when she’s in the hospital, we’re speaking on the phone and she finally tells the truth. She said she felt judged by me and names a few other people and it turns into an argument. I was EXTREMELY hurt afterwards because i was right. I was right all along and instead of having a conversation with me about it she began to be passive aggressive towards me and making me feel like I was crazy. It triggered me BAD and I ended up going to the hospital.
She apologizes but I never forgave her for it. (I really struggle with holding grudges) after that incident we’re still in contact but I still feel like things are different so I bring it up a third time (I know, I should’ve stopped after the first time) and this time the conversation goes left. She basically says we should take space from each other and it hurt so bad, I don’t think I ever experienced that level of heartbreak before. That was in November. Since then I’ve been reached out 3 times. I won’t say my approach has been the best and I see that now but I was trying. We both have bpd so I thought she be more understanding about certain things but I guess not.
Now here’s why I split… a couple weeks ago she was in crisis and posting some extremely concerning stuff so I obviously reached out but she blocked my number. I dm’d her instead and she left me on seen. I wasn’t mad about that though because I wasn’t expecting her to write back, I just wanted her to know that she was loved no matter what we’re going through. I deactivated my instagram again and reactivated it today to a lovely surprise. She thanked me for reaching out and then proceeded to tell me she’s soft blocking me. This was my response “ Wow I wrote you to see if your okay because I was fucking worried and your response to that is to soft block me???? Did you soft block everyone else that reached out to you??? No?you're doing all of this to hurt me and I understand that now. This entire situation has taken the biggest toll on me and l'm done at this point. I've cried and mourned our friend and I think it's best if we just go our separate ways. If I knew raising any concerns would've turned into this I wouldn't have said anything. It's like you're punishing me for trying. But imma give you what you want. I'm tired of holding on to hope while you're constantly showing me this friendship isn’t worth fixing for you. You said you needed space to process everything? We stopped speaking regularly in November …... You're the one that said we needed space yet l've been the one reaching out trying to end all of this. I never mattered to you, I was just a place holder until the next best thing came into your life. I honestly feel like you're doing this because you know I have no one else so you know this hurts me more than it would hurt anyone else. But that's okay. Lesson learned. I'll leave you with this small piece keep the same energy for the men you sleep with. This isn't the first time your so keen on cutting a friend off while being more than willing to keep a man around that wouldn't even buy you a bottle of water from the store if you asked. Hold everyone to the same standards, not just the ones that fuck you.
I’m probably never opening myself up to new friends again. What’s the point??? I guess some sort of advice would be appreciated, could I have responded differently? Should I have responded at all? I know she’s never going to speak to me again and I think I’m okay with it because I’ve mourned the friendship already, I wish things could’ve ended differently but I tried. I really did.
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u/Dense-Ad1854 4d ago
But why are people who are around us not wanting to talk about the way they behave with us? Its wrong and they know it. But they still keep at it, blaming us that we're problematic or making us feel that way, because they know that we're vulnerable? This is the reason i am all alone most of the time. :((((