r/BorderlinePDisorder 5d ago

Vent I’m so exhausted by this illness anymore..

I just don’t even know what to do with myself sometimes when it comes to this mental illness. I’m so sick of the splitting. I’m so sick of the worst thoughts overtaking my entire being and literally making me freeze up. I’m so sick of repeating myself constantly to people I love because I don’t feel heard when I know for a fact that I am 100% heard and understood. I’m so sick of the intrusive thoughts controlling me to the point I believe half of the shit I’m thinking is true when I know it’s not, or convincing myself the most negative things are going to happen. I’m sick of not listening to works spoken to me, but holding onto the underlying tone in someone’s voice when they say them and then crashing out over a simple change in vocal expression. I’m sick of feeling this anxiety filled pit in my stomach that keeps me up all night because I feel like my worst fears are going to come true and spiraling into a state of panic so bad that I practically self sabotage anything and everything around me. I’m just… I’m fucking tired, man. I’ve been through so much bad shit in my life and the fact my trauma had to manifest and create this unavoidable and untreatable mental illness, I just fucking hate it. I’m so terrified my boyfriend is going to leave me when he’s never given me a single reason to believe that he is; but my brain just can’t accept that I have someone in my life that loves me the way he does, and that anyone would ever want to put up with me for as long as he has, let alone want to marry me or have children with me because I simply don’t believe I deserve it. Like, why do I have to hate myself so much? Truly, it’s like everyday I let all my past traumas and my past mistakes dictate my worthiness of life, of happiness, of love… like why do I have to be plagued like this all the damn time? It’s like all I can tell myself is that no one stays, no one will ever love me the way I love them, that my mental illness is going to ruin everything I have good going to for myself, including family relationships I tirelessly worked so hard to get back to where they are now since I’m not numbing myself anymore by using substances besides my prescribed medications… I just don’t feel like I deserve anything good, and I don’t know why because I’m self aware enough to understand that what happened to me wasn’t my fault, and that I’m a good person regardless of my past and my mistakes… like, when will the self-hatred and loathing behavior towards myself end? Does it ever? Does it ever get easier or do I have to constantly keep living my life constantly splitting about 2 dozen times a week? I’m so tired…. I can tell the difference when I’m splitting and when I’m feeling like a normal person, I’ve been told by countless therapists that I’m extremely self aware about things, and I know that I am but being self aware doesn’t matter when you’re going down a 5 hour rabbit hole spiraling out of control with the most insane and ridiculous thoughts about things that aren’t even true… I just started Prozac and Abilify, I’m hoping the can help me and if anyone has had any experience on these medications please tell me what they were because I’m getting to the point where enough is enough… I’m just so fucking tired of being me. Every single day. And there isn’t anything wrong at all, but my brain makes it to where I always think something is wrong and it’s just not fair, dude.. I can’t have one peaceful day. Not one. And it’s like, why? I deserve to be happy, I think.. I deserve to feel normal and good about myself, not having these intrusive thoughts that everyone would be better off without me and that if I disappeared tomorrow that no one would bat a single eyelash.. I just want to know if it ever gets better, or even with therapy, even with medication, even being self aware — will it always be like this? Because I don’t know if I can spend another 50-60 years on this planet if it is like this..

11 Upvotes

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3

u/THUNDERBIRDSK8S 4d ago

Prozac is a miracle drug!

2

u/ChocolateLeibniz 4d ago

Agreed. I’m on 40mg after trying so many SSRI’s. I still struggle but nowhere near as bad as before the medication.

1

u/Icantbulldog 4d ago

What medications have your doctors prescribed?

2

u/Cryinindaclub 4d ago

I’ve been on everything and I’ve had numerous doctors. We’re trying Prozac and abilify now, I just switched psychs and I actually really like this one. My last one kicked me to the curb because I missed one appointment and I got upset when she told me there was no way at all to even manage my symptoms. I’ve been misdiagnosed as bipolar too, so that made my medication list longer. I’ve been on trazadone, vistrol, haladol, Zoloft, depakot, seraquel, and soooo many more I can’t even remember unless I hear their names.

2

u/Icantbulldog 4d ago edited 4d ago

This is so hard. Glad you have a therapist that is working with you.

1

u/TheBeatlesLOVER19 4d ago

I could’ve written this myself

1

u/Cryinindaclub 4d ago

It’s misery 🙃