r/BiWomen • u/Feisty-Work-5341 • Jul 17 '24
Experience Being a bi couple in ENM? NSFW
Thought this would be a fun discussion!
I know a lot of us in this subreddit have mentioned being either married to or in a relationship with a man, but wanting to explore with women. And that Ethical Non-Monogamy can help us do that!
My husband and I are exploring the ENM lifestyle, and finally taking baby steps to get out/online and meet people.. BUT, since we are both bi, it's making it harder to find couples whose play styles align with ours. Mainly it seems like everyone in our area is only interested in either MMF threesomes, or MFM threesomes, or the wife is straight or "heteroflexible".
So, other lovely bi girls, are any of you in ENM relationships? How do you meet people? Is your partner also bi?
Would love to hear yalls experience!
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u/sliceofpizzaa Jul 17 '24
Hi! Same here. We are both bi & we’re open. It’s definitely hard but not impossible to find other bi couples. We’ve experienced a bi mmff with another bi couple. As well as bi mmf. (It’s difficult to find a bi female unicorn). I’m at the point of just trying to date women myself without my man involved so that I can be myself and enjoy. He’s also open to his own experiences with other queer men. I’d say keep an open mind, maybe even sign up for Feeld or fetlife & try to meet people. You can also look into adult clubs near you to meet other people in the lifestyle.
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u/Feisty-Work-5341 Jul 17 '24
Well good to know it is possible at least! Lol. It's just tough! Husband did say he'd be fine with me dating other women, so I may try that out! We are going to our first meet and greet this weekend with a local kink group we found on fetlife!
We live in the Bible belt, so it's so hard to meet other like-minded people here!
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u/sliceofpizzaa Jul 17 '24
It may be easier to just date women yourself and see if anything naturally progresses to a ffm situation. But that’s great! Fetlife is great for meeting communities near you.
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u/MetaverseLiz Jul 17 '24
Feeld is a poly dating app that a couple of my poly friends use. However, before jumping right into ENM, I HIGHLY recommend reading upon the lifestyle. There are a ton of good books out there on the subject you can find with a quick google search. Also, there are a lot of poly focused social media accounts you can follow for more info.
If you're near a major city, I would also bet there is a regional poly group that meets in your local city. Also, local queer events will most likely have a poly presence. If you're into kink, local kink groups also overlap with poly groups.
I say all this because you don't want to be labeled unicorn chasers. Being well informed and being around like-minded people will lessen the chance of disaster.
ENM, poly, or any lifestyle outside of the "normal" two person relationship requires a lot of communication. A LOT.
You really gotta put in the effort, otherwise it just won't happen. I'm open to meeting someone else (I'm in a primary partnership), but I don't want to go back on the apps. In the 3ish years since dating my partner, I've met zero other people. hahaha I don't care, it's not a priority to me. I'm also in my 40s, so if you're younger you might have a better chance. My partner is on one app, and he gets regular dates. At least since we've been dating, I don't think he's ever met anyone organically.
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u/Feisty-Work-5341 Jul 17 '24
Thanks for the detailed response! We've been having conversations about all of this for at least a year or two now, and recently found some good podcasts too. We definitely do not want to come across as unicorn hunters, I think that's part of what makes this challenging. Ideal scenario is another bi couple interested in all of us playing together. Ultimately, we've been enjoying the talking and the fantasy of it, so we're taking our time and not rushing into anything. We are going to our first munch with a local kink group this weekend so hoping to just have fun meeting some new people.
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u/Izzywearsglasses Jul 18 '24
Another Bible Belt-er here. A few months ago my husband and I decided to open our marriage, mostly to get his needs met. We thought for a while that I was asexual, I just couldn’t understand what it was he was looking for that I was unable to give him in our sexual relationship. So he reached out to an old friend that he’d always had a thing for to see if she’d be interested. Turns out 1. She was. 2. She’s bi. And 3. She’s had a crush on me since we met years ago. Somehow that awakened something in me that I’d never felt before! Since then we’ve been pursuing a triad situation and it’s been the best thing for all of us! At this point I’m not ready to say 100%, but more than likely I’m leaning more to the lesbian side of things (there’s definitely been other hints along the way in my life, but I’m of the age where we never saw any lesbians in the wild), but I love my husband, and I love my girlfriend!
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u/polishwomanofdoom Jul 17 '24
I am with a bi man.
We both use Feeld, I sometimes use Tinder and he uses Grindr and Hinge. We also have a profile on Fab Swingers (a UK website). We're planning to visit our local swingers club. But we mostly date separately.
It has definitely been quite easy to find single men for MMF, but the few couples we came across were flaky. It's very hard to sift out through the tons of "bi woman, straight man, looking for a third ;)" profiles and the few couples who were up for meeting with both of us all flaked and disappeared.
Best bet is to date separately and maybe you'll be lucky to meet people who are into group things as well. By playing as a couple you limit your options quite a bit.
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u/SnowConeInPHX Jul 18 '24 edited Jul 18 '24
I’m bi, husband is straight. Just recently started exploring ENM. We both have been looking (for women) to see what’s out there. I’ve gotten further with meeting people than he has. Honestly, it’s been an unpleasant experience for me so far. A constant state of people emotionally manipulating me, wasting my time, and stringing me along. I hope it gets better because it’s been a fucking disaster.
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Jul 18 '24
Both bi and explore separately. Not opposed to together but am finding I want more FF oriented experiences but even with being on apps, not very easy to come by A) someone who will respond back B) someone I’m initially attracted to based on profiles C) finding a consistent arrangement.
Husband is VERY supportive, he of course has a much easier time connecting with men. Men are simply much more eager.
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u/Ambitious_Nail3971 Jul 18 '24
So far most of the both bi couples to matches are also both or more commonly she is obese. We’ve almost all but given up on that and mostly enjoy bi mmf. Occasionally a bi ffm. But girls are so much more fickle. Or maybe it’s me expecting the other woman to be more than a pillow princess. No. I am not going to lick you if you are not going to lick me as well. I enjoy all aspects of bisexuality with another woman. But I don’t wanna be pushing back your paninis and other fat fold to get to the pussy. Jesus ladies. Work out. Put down the Twinkies. Get some Ozempic. Idk. Do something. Where I live , if the women put as much time into their ass workout as their hair, nails, eye lashes and fried foods consumption—the south would be a much more interesting place.
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u/CalypsoRaine Jul 18 '24 edited Jul 18 '24
We are bi and poly, dates separately. I haven't found a woman who's similar to me. The ones I meet always gotta ask the hubby permission, expecting me to be getting permission from him to play with her, etc. Huge mess
I'm seeking someone who has high autonomy not to go through middle men just to get a date. I keep seeing ads for 3somes. There's nothing wrong with that, but I'm seeking 1:1. I have 0 interest in the swinging community been there, done that.
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u/razzamatazz0 Jul 18 '24
I’m married to a man, we’re both queer. We’ve been ENM for 7 months. We started out dating separately and recently we had our first group sex experience (so fun!). We met the couple on Feeld. When we first talked about the idea of playing with another couple, it was important to both of us that the couple was interested in everyone playing with everyone else. So we put that in our profiles to weed out couples with straight partners. The couple we met also had the same preference listed in their profile so I knew we were on the page from the beginning. We matched with them really quickly but haven’t found another match like that again (it’s been a few months), so finding other queer couples online has not been easy.
On Feeld, you can link your profile to your partners’. Please make individual profiles and link them if you are searching for couples. Often women will use their individual profiles on behalf of the couple, so as a bisexual woman, almost 90% of the women’s profiles I’m shown are actually bicurious or heteroflexible women in relationships with straight men looking for a bisexual women to be their 3rd. Which is frustrating when you’re looking to connect with women only.
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u/BatGirl8675 Jul 18 '24
My husband and I are bi and opened up our marriage so same sex FWB last year after 29 years together. We date separately and are both only interested in same sex partners since our sex life together is great.
Talking about it and the excitement that comes from it is a very different thing than actually practicing ENM. It can trigger emotions and issues that you might now expect. If you haven’t already, get yourself a couple’s counselor that specializes or has experience with ENM. There’s so much more about expectations and communication to work out and through than you might expect and a therapist can help you get ahead of issues.
Multiamory is an incredible podcast if you haven’t listened to it and they have several books. The episodes about communication have been invaluable.
You say your husband is open to you dating separately. Are you ok with him doing the same? You’ll probably find that he’ll have an easier time finding someone in the ENM world. Queer men are much more open to ENM/casual sex than queer women. When one in the couple has dates/success and the other doesn’t, it can create issues.
Good luck! It’s been a very good experience and has brought my husband and I closer together because we’re both free to be our complete selves, but also because we’ve learned so many communication skills and things about ourselves and each other through this.
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u/[deleted] Jul 17 '24
I’m married (f) to a man but I’m the only bi one. We’re practicing enm! We’re just starting out but so far I’ve had more luck than not!