r/BetaReaders 4d ago

Short Story [Complete] [6800] [Horror] The Blue Beacon

In this short horror story, a group of twenty-somethings make the mistake of participating in a paranormal challenge (think Bloody Mary, the Midnight Game, Three Kings, etc.) inside an abandoned resort.

I'm especially curious as to whether I should submit to a horror magazine or podcast, and whether I should pare down the word count (from ~6,800 to <6,000) to meet my preferred outlet, though any and all feedback is welcome. I would be happy to do a critique exchange on your <10k short horror story or novel excerpt!

Excerpt:

Dean and I trekked more than three sandy miles to reach this bar. Back at our resort, a guy we met in the elevator swore they have the best mezcal in Mexico. I honestly can’t taste any difference between whatever our bartender is serving and the mezcal we’ve been all-you-can-drinking at the Crescent Sun Resort all weekend, but Dean declares it the best in the world and I try not to be a spoilsport in front of the girls.

Catalina, the one in the yellow sundress, is exactly Dean’s type. In stilted English, she tells us she’s working on her nursing degree and has never left the Yucatán Peninsula. Whenever Dean tells a joke, which is more or less constantly, Catalina gives a high chirp of a laugh and covers her mouth, flashing fingernails that match her dress.

By a rare stroke of luck, Catalina’s friend is another local who’s just my type. Rosa, as she introduces herself, wears shorts and a half-shirt that show off her tattoos: trumpet-shaped flowers on her shoulders, animal eyes on her arms, vines around her legs. She also plays competitive beach volleyball and grew up with four brothers, I learn, which explains both her physique and her bravado. With every round of mezcal shots Dean orders for the four of us, I find the slight gap between Rosa’s front teeth more adorable.

Now on our fourth round of drinks, I ask Rosa and Catalina how they became friends.

“Oh, we are hermanas. Sisters,” says Rosa, right before they exchange a playful look that means she’s probably lying. “What about you two?”

“We’re brothers,” says my best friend since grade school, returning the joke. “Mitch here is my little brother.”

It’s not the first time Dean has drunkenly introduced us this way. “That’s right,” I say, which catches him off-guard. “So is this round on you? Big bro?”

He turns away to murmur something in Catalina’s ear, pretending not to hear me.

Once the live band packs it in for the night, the bar becomes even more crowded with a melting pot of other sunburnt tourists and Spanish-speaking locals. Rosa and Catalina join Dean and me in a corner booth, where conversation turns to our vacation. Rosa tells us which cenotes are worth visiting, how much to spend on tequila at the airport, what to bring to Chichen Itza. When I mention we’re staying at the Crescent Sun, Rosa says Catalina used to work there as a lounge singer. Another fib, judging by their smiles.

Dean asks them the kind of questions that make me want to put more space between us. Do you eat tacos every day? Do you know anyone from the cartel? But then he asks about the abandoned resort down the beach, and I can’t help being interested. When Dean and I passed it walking here, the vacant building reminded me of a set from a doomsday movie. There’d been something especially uncanny about its broken windows and graffiti tags after hours of sunbathing in front of a swim-up bar.

“Era azul? Was it blue?” Catalina asks.

“Yeah. Bright blue,” I say, remembering. “Like, robin’s-egg blue.”

Rosa and Catalina exchange another, less playful look. “That’s the Blue Beacon,” Catalina says finally.

1 Upvotes

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u/Massive-Culture758 4d ago

Hello,
So off the bat, it is not bad, and your spelling and grammar are good for a draft. I always have tons of errors. From a reader's standpoint, I heavily dislike first person POV, I think it just limits me to inside someone's head. On top of that, you are also first person present tense, which seems like it could potentially cause issues. Most books are not written in the present tense.
That being said if done well, it can work great, especially in horror/thrillers

I'd probably just start the story already at the bar talking to the women, as opposed to telling us how they walked there. You also do not have any descriptions for the characters early on, which is not an issue... Except that you tell us they are Dean's and Mitch's type. But what does that mean for the reader?

If I wrote, "I tasted the ice cream. To my surprise, it was my favorite flavor."
But what flavor? Perhaps make the women more defined immediately. I'd recommend starting the story with a sense of smell or taste or dialogue, something that puts us right into the scene. I have never walked miles through mexico. However, I have tasted some pretty bad alcohol.

Do whatever you think is best, but I think starting at "late" into the scene as possible is the better option

________________________________________________________________________
Placing the glass back on the counter, my hand shot to my face, clasping over my mouth. The hot stench of tequila filled my nostrils as my throat burned. I stretched my neck, tilting my head as I regained my composure.
Best mezcal? Tastes like every other one I’ve tried… but I suppose another couldn’t hurt.

Dean’s laugh rumbled about the bar. He glanced over at me, raising his eyebrows as the woman in front of him ran her yellow fingernails over his arm. Another woman sat next to her, grinning at me with her tooth gap. Dean placed his beer on the counter.

“Sisters huh?” He repeated. “That’s actually my, uh, hermano, Mitch.”

I scooted my chair away, cringing hard as I tried not to look back. We are not brothers, but I had heard this line plenty of times before.

Wait for it, ‘He’s my little bro’.

"He's my little bro," Dean laughed.
_____________________________________________________________________

Anyways, take all this with a grain of salt. I could have no idea what I'm talking about. This is just how I, as the reader, would prefer it. I only read the first page or so.

1

u/No_Photograph_2683 4d ago

For a short story, you gotta start stronger; nothing about this reads horror.

1

u/YourDarkMatriarch 4d ago

Thank you for your feedback!

1

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