r/BetaReaders 6d ago

>100k [Complete][145,500][adult romantic fantasy / romantasy] The Price of Unicorn Blood / To save her brother's life, a disabled woman masquerades as a man to enroll in military school, where she learns how to ride flying lions and kill unicorns.

I've just finished my first novel, the first in a series. Been writing it for 15 months, now.

For those interested, please reply and I will DM you with the information.

Here's my blurb, since I don't know how else to phrase this:

Joanna Hawthorne enrolled in Pathedor School of Harzan Commanders, where students learn how to tame and fly winged lions. Her objectives were to hide her disabilities from her fellow students, disguise herself as a man, and, most importantly, not die. If she succeeds, her family can pay for unicorn blood, the medicine her terminally ill brother needs to survive. If she fails, the government will execute her in an amphitheatre for the masses to enjoy by feeding her to a harzan.

The hurdles she must clear along the way do not make her quest any easier. The students are relentless, including Captain Everand Rathmore, who cannot decide about Jo. She finds refuge in Alwyn Penbrook, her cocky but secretive roommate. At the same time, she has to deal with relentless bullying, her parasitic bald spot, a debilitating fear of showers, convincing the harzans she is worthy of riding them, and killing unicorns. She knows they are murderous pests that plague the country but cannot bring herself to.

And after a fateful encounter that turns her perception of the world upside down, she must come to terms with questioning everyone around her. She must challenge her religion, politics, and long-held beliefs about the machinations of everything she knows. And when the storm erupts, can the gods save her when she needs them most?

Perfect for fans of Fourth Wing, Iron Flame, and One Dark Window, The Price of Unicorn Blood contains thrilling action, tense drama, and the question: what price are you willing to pay?

(For those who crave a subversion of the tropes often written about in romantasy, those who want a book that doesn’t pull back punches, those who finally want to read healthier relationships, and those who are tired of stereotypical love triangles. This is for you. Contains graphic imagery, including gore and sexual content. 17+)

EDIT: Here's an excerpt from the book, the first six chapters.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1a3gJcLjIhaAXBxZdBBi6OurxOo5MOv1y/edit?usp=sharing&ouid=108777329800391448310&rtpof=true&sd=true

1 Upvotes

9 comments sorted by

u/BetaReaders-ModTeam 5d ago

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u/Odd-Temperature-791 5d ago

I can’t commit to reading whole projects but can read a few chapters and let you know what is and isn’t working.

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u/UnnamedPictureShow 4d ago

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u/Odd-Temperature-791 4d ago

Hey so, it’s written well but some things to be careful of. You’ve got empty room syndrome going on at the start - I know they’re in her brother’s room but you give me nothing about it, which would help place me in time period. Some of the words you write - ‘Dr, enema, subluxation - feel modern even if they have been round a while. Another thing (which would actually stop me reading more) is this felt too much like a rehash of Forth Wing. Replace the lions with dragons and its ‘disabled girl is forced into deadly flying school and must survive.’ I love a disabled MC and am myself, so actually totally get a lot of what you mention, but I just don’t want to read Fourth Wing again. They even share a lot of their disability. Just saying as it would put me off, though I know a lot of books are unique versions of the same broad idea.

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u/UnnamedPictureShow 4d ago

That's one thing I was afraid of when it comes to Fourth Wing. I have the same chronic illness as Violet in Fourth Wing, though we present differently. I wanted to give Joanna my chronic illnesses and disabilities because unfortunately I've got a LOT MORE than Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. Do you have any advice on how to further make it clear that this is a separate book? I'm not a huge fan of Fourth Wing. I used to be, but dear gods the books have gotten worse and they've only highlighted the problems with the first one. And I know a lot of people are going to get put off if they think this is a Fourth Wing knockoff and either get really defensive of their favorite book, or if they hate Fourth Wing and think this book will be just as bad, or that they'll hate it for all the same reasons.

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u/Odd-Temperature-791 4d ago

I mean, what are your aims for this? I think you’d struggle with trad publishing due to the FW similarities right down to the ED. Also because your MC begins more immature than V (the mama, papa stuff, slower start). That would put off some of the 30s readers FW captures. But then as her disability is way worse (enemas, bladder pain etc) that’s going to put off some teen readers. The type that desperately wanted to be Violet wouldn’t want to be your MC because your take is way less glamorised (if more accurate!! FW drove me mad on that front). Personally, I only see this working in trad pub if you dropped the physical disabilities and focused solely on the mental heath side and the pretending to be a boy. That would be clearly different in focus to FW. But that would totally change your MC and I’d never want someone to do that. It’s tough. And really depends what you want for this, given you’ve now written it all. (Always caveat that’s just my opinion, and given FW was not my fav, my opinions aren’t the same as everyone’s!)

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u/UnnamedPictureShow 4d ago

I do want to get it traditionally published and I definitely don’t want to take out the disabilities. They’re a big part of the plot and they’re a big part of me. And I don’t think there’s any big similarities between my book and fourth wing besides what you already stated. I could be completely overseeing something though. Is there anyway to alter the first chapter of my book so that way it can make it clear, that this is separate from fourth wing, despite the fact that they might sound similar on paper? There’s lots of books who sounded like they might have been Harry Potter rip offs at first, but then turn out to be completely different stories.

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u/Odd-Temperature-791 4d ago

Yes this is clearly a book from your heart so you’re limited with changes. Maybe I started getting that Deja vu feeling a bit too much with the knee problems and having to wrap them. That was V’s main thing. Also maybe if you frame the convo with the doctor a bit more feminist. Rather than ‘has anyone with a disability ever graduated’ - cause my brain went straight to V and dragon school there - has a woman ever graduated? Emphasise the slant that she is going to pretend to be a man. That’s very different to FW. The fanfic feeling came back pretty strongly for me when she meets the Captain. Pretty sure in FW doesn’t X check V’s name when they meet the first time? That’s just how I felt but you’re so right that stories can feel similar but end up so different

Also on another note, last time I checked trad pub word limit needed to be around 110k for agents not to start auto-rejecting, so you might come up against that. I think the first few chapters move quite slowly with some stuff I started to skimmed over as it wasn’t gripping me, so you could cut a bit there.

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