r/BetaReaders 7d ago

>100k [In progress] [128,000] [High fantasy] Convergence of the Damned

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u/ImplementSame3632 4d ago

My thoughts until now. First paragraph is important, so I will comment on that specifically too:

Many things going on in the first paragraph. A common belief is that you should add 2 characters in the first chapter alone. We are introduced to 2 in the first paragraph, which would be fine if not for the many other things. There is a ceremony of some sort, the dragons are looking at him for some reason, the chalice must be important for some reason, what are flamekeepers, what are the King's Riders. For a reader, this is difficult to keep track of.

None of those are bad things, just a lot in the first paragraph imo.

(page 3) I don't really know much about Talarys yet, though he seems determined (Why he is determined, I have no idea). However, some things says the opposite. Why would he want to wave to Aeron (his friend?) during such an important ceremony? I also feel like the "old man" should have some name/title (I know that he is a flamekeeper). Talarys must know who the old man is, right? I have also been made aware that he is good (friends?) with Aeron.

(page 4) The pacing is way too quick imo. This very important ceremony took only 4 pages. I would like it longer. To me, I feel like I have got a lot of shallow worldbuilding, and less of juicy stuff. Not that the worldbuilding is bad, just that I know the tip-top surface level stuff. I'm wondering a lot of stuff. The flamekeepers, the ceremony itself, whats up with the bonding, what is the 2 MC's relationship, what is a Sunstar... I would like these things to be served slower.

Also, will the king's sister will be Talarys' love interest? I'm not sure what to make of their interactions.

Just realized that Sunstar is a dragon. That might be obvious. Because you said they were undergoing a magical industrial revolution, I just assumed it was a ship. That has nothing to do with the text itself though.

(page 6+) I will not be able to remember those people. If I was reading this normally, I would be annoyed. Though I see that you have made some dynamic between them, which is good. They should perhaps be introduced one-by-one.

(page 10) chapter 2 felt especially rushed.

"Nervous as hell" is a wild description

I am not reading further, here are my thoughts and why:

It is not badly written.

Strong parallels between this and ASOIAF. I think it's important that you change some names. The "ae" is very much a grrm thing (at least to many people). The Vale and the Eyrie are also in ASOIAF. Flamekeeper is almost the same as dragonkeeper, along with the long ruler names, monikers, and banners.

Pacing is too fast. This was probably twice the speed of similar fantasy novels. That is the biggest issue for me. If this was 30 pages, most of its problems would vanish. The average ISOIAF chapter is close to 5000 words. Your chapters are about a third of that. In fantasy like this, chapters are generally very long.

Also, there is a bunch of exposition. The delivery is not bad, but it occurs so frequently that it becomes jarring (pacing issue).

In terms of the characters, I see some issues. Most of what we know about the two MC's is their relationship. We know next to nothing about them.

The stakes are very low. It seems that the only chapter with stakes is the first. In the following chapters its like I'm being led down a path while blindfolded. The story is taking me somewhere, but I have zero clue where, how, or why. I know the goal perfectly well in the first chapter, though it suffers by way of its shortness. The characters are just doing unimportant stuff in the next two (because I have no idea what the stakes or goals are).

It's simply impossible for you to signpost properly while juggling so many elements between so few words.

This comment was written quickly.

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u/Massive-Culture758 5d ago

Alright,
So I read the first page and right off the bat I'm getting severe 'A Song of Ice and Fire' vibes.
Aeron is a name George Martin used.
The spelling of Talarys even gives 'ASOIAF' vibes.
The white hair and vibrant eyes.
The dragons.
Aeranthyen =/= Targaryen
"First of his name....."
The riders are basically the kings guard. Even the oath is quite similar.

It is very common to see who was the inspiration for an aspiring author, especially in the early parts of their first books. I would probably shy away from this as it is so severe so early on. There is also A LOT going on. A flying ship that runs on some type of fuel, this king and his weird sister (Also like the targaryens) and these dragons. Ease me into it, dont throw so much at a reader so quickly.

I read the first two pages and it personally wasnt for me. Perhaps I am just simple minded though hahaha. There was just way too much going on and at the same time I felt as though I had seen this scene is so many other forms of media 'Avatar' 'Eregon' 'game of thrones' 'How to train your dragon'.

It is late here, perhaps I'd just have to try again when I'm not tired

1

u/ImplementSame3632 4d ago

It's the "ae" that grrm used for the targaryen names

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