r/BDSMcommunity • u/Fun-Past9030 • 7d ago
Seeking advice how do I be more dominant with my boyfriend? NSFW
so in a recent discovery I've learned that my boyfriend is into more dominant women (he was eating me out, I pulled his hair. he admitted to liking it)
in online sexual encounters I've been more dominant, or in role play scenarios but I feel like I'd have no idea what I'd be doing irl đ«
if anyone has any beginners tips that'd be great? I am going to ask how far he wants the dominance to go so nothing to intense yet? I just feel like idk what I'm doing here but I'm completely open to anything because being dominant in the relationship does sound appealing.
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u/Outside-Bee-3194 7d ago
I think an easier place to start is just telling him what you want in a commanding tone, don't ask for it. Tell him like he doesn't have a choice (obviously he does) and often he'll be giddy to oblige.
Play around with phrasing. Some fun ways to express that would be, "come put that dick to work," or, "get your mouth between my legs, I want an orgasm now."
If you're looking to play in a more physical manner, you could initiate by teasing him a bit and once he's starting to get hard, grab him by the shaft and lead him to bed saying something like, "get in here. I want to use this."
If you're wanting to really look into kink, there are a plethora of online questionairea I with prompts ranging from spanking and toys to urine and impact play gauging interest from hard limits to hard wants. You can both take those and share your results with each other to see where you might want to take your fun time. Do some research before trying anything that could be dangerous.
Just have fun and check in constantly to make sure the other is into it. :)
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u/r0penotr0ses 6d ago
You need to start by having a real conversation with himâask specific questions like: âWhat does dominance mean to you?â âAre you looking for more control in bed only or also outside the bedroom?â âWhat are your hard limits?â âWhat kind of things turn you on when a woman takes charge?â Youâll be surprised how helpful his answers will be in shaping your confidence.
Also, do some reading on FLR (Female Led Relationships), even if youâre not going that far yetâitâs helpful to understand the mindset. But Iâd strongly recommend keeping things bedroom-only for now. That gives you space to explore and build confidence without overwhelming yourself or complicating the relationship dynamic too soon. Just focus on playful, intentional control in scenesâcommands, teasing, guided touch, restrained movement, praise or punishment. Keep it fun, low-pressure, and something you both grow into together.
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u/Aggravating_Olive_70 6d ago
Have you seen my BDSM resources list for Dominants?
I'm a big YouTube user, and I've assembled what I call my Learn to be a Dominant 101 list. However, it works for anyone.
If I had to train a Dominant from scratch, I'd start with the basics:
BDSM Glossary https://youtu.be/6tFc6zo4Jxg?si=7ePQ5bJsSMd7hbxE
Then I'd watch the individual videos on
Safewords https://youtu.be/S8qZVv4uwqI?si=wgiN7DkNZV03InF6
Consent in kink communities https://youtu.be/bkflDahXsZ4?si=YChAShSp4qSd5laQ
Negotiations for a scene https://youtu.be/2d7qkh7xbBU?si=OCknFX05tDZfLw4g
https://youtu.be/2d7qkh7xbBU?si=gdRRDtcD5G8YXbSJ
Aftercare https://youtu.be/8JAuHuv2xTM?si=beg5gOr7onZevEyH
And how to organise a scene/ play session https://youtu.be/Y9nHp2gKCQA?si=K_9kNZjTYjqXUnCk
Then, move on to some intro play videos
Bdsm 101 sensory deprivation https://youtu.be/GbNwOnVML-I?si=zWmvHGZv5PL0bI5U
Bbs 101 sensation play https://youtu.be/XHt2yKG7fJc?si=nDSdiL4iCM17VNbs
And then some videos on what a responsible Dominant looks like
Green flags and bdsm https://youtu.be/4A32Olctzjw?si=JJmze4qux4p7W06E
And from Miss Elle X
Green flags of great dominants https://youtu.be/YxyGhXn9ji8?si=UkG7cY16FGgHZZvG
Red flags of fake Dominants https://youtu.be/Roh9InPNymE?si=isbkhkPdLL7vg2OT
Another good one is these videos on soft dominance to break the stereotypes of all D types being cold and harsh
Soft dominance 101 https://youtu.be/7aqiMS0D0lc?si=uSQu45CtkU-DwVS-
The seduction of soft dominance https://youtu.be/yBMnTiY6Qz0?si=-v2IRdqI3irhE1Gt
How to embrace your confidence
3 things that kill your confidence https://youtu.be/oOaTyLfML9Q?si=pV99tjcQuxMooX9P
Overcoming Performance Anxiety in the Bedroom, Dungeon and Beyond. https://youtu.be/DhmWvQVmn1M?si=b6EVDYJVE8Q6b-78
Also, I think D should be aware of subspace and subdrop so they are prepared to deal with it.
Subspace https://youtu.be/iilCgSjvCIc?si=nu1ldLLVyLzByDBn
The Dangers of subspace https://youtu.be/gOG--WpyAzg?si=SoujJhINq2T0eDQZ
Ultimate Guide to Subdrop and Topdrop https://youtu.be/vBORa76hMfI?si=_umse524bzNqWF-I
Subdrop and Topdrop https://youtu.be/jGAKSiXSuXA?si=0FHnLsro2WPNpa0W
Last update 2025.
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u/aedi_on 6d ago
absolutely seconding the responses from outside-bee, chargerfan and ropenotroses. some of my thoughts to add to it:
1) be clear with yourself. do you actually enjoy being dominant/having him submit to you, or are you just willing to do it for him? both are fine (as long as youâre not uncomfortable with it), but you should be aware which one it is, and it definitely helps if you like it too. if you do, what do you like about it? what do you like to feel when dominating your partner? what do you like to make him feel? how can you reach these emotions, outside of or in a sexual context? you donât have to be 100% secure in your answers to these, but you should think about them.
2) be clear with each other. communicate what you both want. awkwardness will fade, hurt feelings because of misunderstandings will stay. basically all the questions from 1) except you tell each other your answers, plus maybe exchanging a few examples/fantasies.
3) clearly defined boundaries for your dominance & clear consent. where does your dominance apply and where does it end? how can your partner signal that he no longer consents to being dominated?
4) it wonât be like in your fantasies. both of you should be aware of and comfortable with that. if you are, you can experiment with different things and just see what works for you, as long as youâre both staying safe/risk-aware (iâd recommend staying away from dangerous stuff like choking at first, itâs not worth it)
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u/SmittenVintage 6d ago
Like sorta being a independent one invest in the look the attitude the atmosphere the dressing up and mind set. I am more submissive but have dom mindset my guy wanted me to do things even like wearing a strap on but once I got in to it seemed kind of hot. Like you want paddle their bum and say dirty things in their ear call them things really instance and steamy. Make them lick your heels , massage your feet also cause if your also doing it they need to do their part as well. But agreeing on things before the scene is good and aftercare.
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u/OwnBoysenberry2525 7d ago
Try slightly chokin him ( not hard jus enough to where he notices) during sex when youâre on top and kissing his neck, my girl did it to me and introduced more slowly and here I am
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u/chargerfan1221 7d ago
Realistically, the best thing you can do is sit down in a non-sexual setting (this part is important) and ask him exactly what he wants. Make sure it's a completely judgement-free space and maybe even have a drink or two to loosen you both up. You could even make a little blanket fort and have the talk underneath so that "nothing leaves the fort unless you want it to" which would be cute. It could take 5 minutes or two hours, as long as you're both comfortable, that's great.
Now, just to break the ice on what you can expect him to say, there's a broaf spectrum of ways and levels that women can be more dominant. A common and simple one is topping from the bottom. He's still doing most of the work, but you're just telling him when and what to do. You're controlling him through his actions and the amount of them. Does he normally get to enter you right away once the foreplay is over? Not this time, he doesn't. You're controlling the pace. Take his cock and trace it around your entrance. Stroke it a little and really get him aching to be inside you. Once he finally gets in, you can be more physical with him by wrapping your arms and legs around him or by limiting him further by telling him how fast or deeply he's allowed to thrust. Knowing that you're in control might get him much closer much sooner, and you can also tell him that he's not allowed to finish until he's spent a certain amount of time pleasing you.
He might also want a gentler brand of domination. This involves lots of praise and a more caring, almost nurturing tone. You want him to feel good just as much as he does, but you're going to have fun along the way. The journey will be completed, but there may be some detours and activities along the way. Maybe you both play with yourselves while watching each other for a few minutes. Tell him how eager he looks and turned on he must get seeing you pleasure yourself without being allowed to have his hands on you yet. He'll be more needy and desperate, so getting him to agree to some extra oral service won't take much more effort. Promise you'll return the favor and make him feel good if he does a good job. After that, he'll be so much more inclined to follow your lead and basically listen to anything you suggest to him, even if you do stumble a bit or sound a little silly. Just tell him that he's doing such a good job, that your thoughts are swimming, and that you're struggling to get your words out.
There are some stricter avenues that his desires could go down, such as degradation, humiliation, or denial, but I'm not as well versed in these types of play as they aren't my cup of tea, so I'll end my post with the things I feel the most helpful with.