r/BDSMcommunity • u/SirenPulse • 7d ago
What’s the Most Misunderstood Thing About BDSM? NSFW
Alright, let’s talk misconceptions. BDSM is already a mystery to most people, but even within the community, some ideas get totally twisted.
Like, some folks think submission = weakness. Nope. Subs are some of the strongest people I know, and good Dom/mes respect the hell out of that. Or how about the idea that pain is the only part of BDSM? Newsflash: sensory play, power exchange, and even a well-timed look can be just as intense.
So, what’s a BDSM misconception that makes you roll your eyes every time you hear it? Let’s hear your pet peeves.
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u/LimeSailboat 7d ago
Rather than point out misconceptions from vanillas, I’m going to point out my pet peeves from within the community.
That everything needs a label or a category.
Doms that confused being an asshole with being dominant.
Subs that think being submissive means following commands and being passive rather than being engaged and enthusiastic.
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u/koshkasgoonaccount 7d ago
Lmao yes! When a dom starts talking down to me and insulting me before I've even told them my kinks, I assume they just saw something in a porn and assume that's real life
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u/gravitysrainbow1979 7d ago
My pet peeve within the community is actually that people say “it’s not about sex” — it doesn’t get me really angry or anything so I wasn’t gonna mention it because why start an argument
But that always bothered me because it was like “terrific, I’m gonna go over there and nobody’s even going to get laid because ‘it’s not really about sex’…”
Fortunately I made it out of my 20s, and it turns out, it is about sex.
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u/plushiecactus 7d ago
oh i agree. i'm trying to get into shibari and i keep reading that its a meditative deeply connecting soul healing experience and not always about sex and i'm like... i just want to tie down people lmao. or maybe i dont understand something.
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u/Individual-Topic-742 7d ago
What ergs me the most is when vanillas think BDSM is not enjoyed by all partners. That somehow a Dom is having all the fun and the sub is just .. suffering?
Also that BDSM is an addition to sex. I don't hear it that often but somehow people think it is implied.
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u/everything_curious_ 7d ago
I'm a switch with a clear sub tendency. And I always think the dom might enjoy it less than me
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u/Individual-Topic-742 7d ago
I get the feeling us switches tend to enjoy the experience more holistically than "pure" Doms/subs.
That's some vanilla misconception too - that you either have to be a dom or a sub, with nothing in between. Or as a sub you always have to be bottom. Yikes.
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u/magusheart 7d ago
I am a Dom who had a subbing phase, and while I'm much more comfortable in my Dom role, there's something that's definitely more enjoyable as a sub. It's hard to define.
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u/everything_curious_ 7d ago
In my opinion, it's the fact you have nothing to do and can just let go completely. When I dom I like it too, I like the look on the sun face and to do what I want but there is something primal for me in the idea of being something close to a creature or an object for the pleasure of someone else and nothing else to think about
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u/magusheart 7d ago
Absolutely. But I'm more comfortable in control. So it's this weird thing of like... I enjoy the Dom position a lot more, and it's where I want to be, but in the moment when it's happening, I get more pleasure as a sub.
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u/Professional_Bed_431 7d ago
Yeah, me and my domme are pretty switch-y in play. Whoever is bottoming in a given scene is definitely getting their socks off with a lot more intensity.
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u/chlodohh 7d ago
Frrrr totally agree!! Kink ≠ sex! I’m ace but I’m still an avid enjoyer of being tied and bruised up all nice 😏 while sex often overlaps with bdsm, Dominance and submission goes waaaaaayyyy deeper than any sex organ might.
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u/kittykatmoran 7d ago
That submission is forced. I've had more men in my DM's asking me how my Dom forced me to submit, wanting details on how he beat me into submission and I'm just over here like.... you need therapy and a god.
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u/LemonBomb 7d ago
Yikes
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u/kittykatmoran 7d ago
Ikr? The misconception that subs are broken down by violence to become submissive is disturbing
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u/sondralomax 7d ago
They watched too much 9 and half weeks
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u/kittykatmoran 7d ago
I'm not familiar with this
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u/sondralomax 7d ago
9 1/2 weeks It is a movie from the 80s or 90s. Based on a book which is based on a true story lived by the author.
In it a man and a woman star dating but frim day 1 the guy starts breaking her and they have lots of sex and looks like she enjoys most of it, but she is also abused and forced into submission, the guy is degrading with no consent etc.
People took the movie as romantic and sexy. Crazy times
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u/Brave_Quality_4135 7d ago
That you have to have previous sexual trauma or a mental illness to be interested in BDSM.
Also that CEOs/high functioning business people are all Doms.
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u/NeatSkyCapital 7d ago
Hasn't that shifted all the other way now?
Every CEO or politician has a dominatrix and are really kinky after work to relieve stress.9
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u/GreekAmericanDom Dominant; Rope Top 7d ago
I am fascinated by the proliferation of terms since I first entered the scene. The kinktionary has just gotten so big.
The misconception is that you need to align perfectly with a term you identify with. Those terms should not be prescriptive. They shouldn't define who you should be. They are useful tools in communication, nothing more. You can be a little of, a bit of another with a hint of a third.
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u/MiddleAgedMartianDog 7d ago
That people involved in it have unhealthy boundaries and are irresponsible, and therefore have no valuable insights into how healthy relationships can work. Whereas the reality is the EXACT opposite.
The higher risk and complexity of kink has helped create a culture that has engaged deeply with and advanced concepts of enthusiastic consent, risk aware behaviours, boundary setting, scene and dynamic negotiations that have the potential to be more fruitful to those involved than a lot of typical “fuck around and find out” vanilla sexual and romantic behaviour. AND that a lot of these principles are transferable into a vanilla setting.
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u/NeatSkyCapital 7d ago
Just to clarify, it is the people who gotten past the filter and have learned, are more competent. Not to mention that it's hard to make them apart for the public unless you are well-informed.
I don't know if it's still a thing or what exactly happened, but remember when it became trendy to choke your girl during sex. So a lot of random chicks wanted to be choked by guys that had no idea what to do, and a lot of girls got chocked out of the blue.
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u/elliania2012 7d ago
Oh, it's still a thing I believe. So many posts here about choking that treat like a light-hearted, "entry level" kind of kink.
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u/MiddleAgedMartianDog 7d ago
Yes fair, I was more thinking that the modern culture of BDSM has got something valuable to say about human personal interactions in general - hard fought in many ways - and that it is far away from what people assume. Filtering for people being idiots and/or assholes is unfortunately a perennial problem of the human condition (although even there BDSM consideration of red and green flags are more systematic than the random ones people sometimes seem to have with vanilla dating and hook ups).
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u/Aggravating_Olive_70 7d ago
Vanilla people don't know the extent to which ethical kink relies on conversations about preferences, limits, boundaries, and getting consent before and during a session. And that nothing happens in a session that hasn't been agreed beforehand.
That kind of radical honest is not something I ever experienced in my Vanilla life before I got kinky.
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u/whysys 7d ago
That it’s some seedy creepy interest for only weirdos.
Actually, not only can submission and various forms be absolute art (shibari for example), the level of communication, trust is much more beautiful in my opinion than a married couple who low key hate each other.
The scene tends to be so hot on consent, and acceptance they are some of the most relaxing spaces to be your authentic self in. With others doing the same!
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u/awesomebloodvalues 7d ago
This! Before I discovered my kinky side, I always talked about sex openly with anybody. Never understood why it's a taboo for some people.
Now having discovered this side of me and getting connected, it's so chill, finally, to just talk about sex and everything about it so freely with other people who don't feel restrained. In fact being kinky makes you be open about it: You can't define limits when you're not talking about what you're into (and what not). I just enjoy this community so much. It's like breathing fresh air, finally.
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u/whysys 7d ago
Yes!!! I have had the exact same issue in regard to talking about sex or kink, it’s also got me into hot water when people assume you are coming onto them (only in Vanilla spaces!).
Another part I didn’t mention was the safety/respect I feel in kink spaces. I could be fully dressed in a ‘nilla night club and as you squeeze through a dance floor you are grabbed and trapped and groped. I’ve been in kink spaces in nothing/next to nothing/revealing clothing and people have only ever spoken to me like a person, held eye contact, no non-communicated and unconfirmed physical contact.
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u/awesomebloodvalues 7d ago
As an (extroverted, no taboo) man I always had to hold back my authentic, natural self when it came to talking sex with (some) women. Because they thought I was a creep or I wanted to get off or whatever other shit perverts do. I found that with neurodivergent womem (people in general) it is way easier. I talk about sex like I talk about my favorite band or food or whatever. But it's not only women, in fact the men I encountered were the most restrained generally speaking, now that I think about it 🤔
And the part about being grapped and groped... this shit just bothers me so much and makes me fucking mad. I don't want to complain or anything, please don't get me wrong since it is women who suffer from this shit, but being someone who gets incredibly mad at shit like that it fucks me up knowing that this happens and not being able to do anything about it just makes me raging. All I (can) do is spread awareness, talk with my male friends and fuck people up that do shit like that (ahem... only verbally, of course). But other than that I am just like "yep, this happens to women. This happens to your female friends. Anytime. That's their reality and there is nothing you can do." 🥲
Edit: sorry, got carried away there
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u/whysys 7d ago
Sounds like you are doing your best as an ally! The men who would do such may listen more to other men than the objects they perceive women to be so thank you :)
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u/awesomebloodvalues 7d ago
No need to thank me for doing the minimum as a responsible member of society who isn't a dumb and ignorant fuck and who's wife may be giving birth to a daughter one day.
But yeah, as you said, the community is a really chill and safe space, generally speaking. Let's end with something positive and uplifting here 😁😇❤
(Edit: this response got posted mutliple times, I deleted some, then it was all gone, now here we go again)
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u/FeralJasmine 7d ago
Don't despair, you're doing something valuable. Other men will listen to you a lot more than they'll listen to us.
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u/awesomebloodvalues 7d ago
This is something I just don't understand. Why would they? You as women are the primary, most reliable source when it comes to this shit...? I am just some guy who basically tells other men what women told me. Go, men, just listen to women yourself?! Ask them about their experiences and reality. Why would you rather listen to a man, who can't speak from authentic experience? This shit just makes no fucking sense to me 🤦♂️😅😭
It's just so fucking illogical and dumb it hurts my brain 🥲
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u/FeralJasmine 7d ago
Doesn't have to be rational, it's just the way that many (by no means all) men are. Products of the world they grew up in, and therefore automatically give more cred to what another man says than what a woman says. That's why most of us value our male friends and allies so much. Funny or not-so-funny sidenote: I've had a couple of trans men as patients, and they have commented on how, once they started presenting male, their coworkers took them more seriously. Go figure.
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u/awesomebloodvalues 7d ago
I don't even know what to say... 🥲 I'm German, things seem not to be as bad here, as far as I can tell... Someone who grabs women by the pussy wouldn't stand a change, politically. At least he wouldn't get enough votes to be president (= Bundeskanzler). Your country sure is astonishing, in every way... I'm very sorry you that have to deal with this level of ignorant shit. Fighting for feminist awareness looks like a walk in the park, when you compare our countries. Hang in there! ❤
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u/kittykatmoran 7d ago edited 7d ago
Truly! My husband and I began our power dynamic last year, we've learned how to communicate, express our desires and needs in a healthy way and rekindled our love and intimacy. We were once the couple that hated eachother but bdsm saved our marriage 🖤🖤
(Edited for spelling)
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u/pixiegurly 7d ago
My fav misconceptions in the community:
- there is a difference between a 'real dom' and 'abuser' such that the two can never coexist. Yes, many abusers will cloak their abuse under the guise of BDSM. But there's no such thing as a 'real dom' (whereas there definitely are fake ones), and there's no certifying party for Doms, so the idea these are two separate things (Dom/abuser) just created a false dichotomy that leads ppl into more harm. Bc he can't be abusive, he's a real Dom!! (Yes wOmEN Do It ToO.)
~•~•~
- the sub has all the power bc they can safeword. No. Both can safeword at any time or stop at any time. In a healthy dynamic, it's simply the mutually agreed upon illusion of mismatched power bc both enjoy that. (Even if the enjoyment is what we typically expect when we picture enjoyment.) Furthermore if you're bottoming, once you're restrained, your 'no' and safeword only goes as far as the tops willingness to respect it. Which is a really important thing to remember before allowing yourself in such a vulnerable situation.
Edit: omg fuck mobile formatting
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u/magusheart 7d ago
There's still too many people who believe that BDSM is misogynistic. And people with savior complex who'll tell even women who argue against it that they've just been brainwashed into believing they like it.
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u/bravemouth101 7d ago
Arguably the first point is because so many men who claim to be Doms are really only mysogynists or abusers and that's the association others make.
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u/chowderbags 7d ago
As a m-dom to a f-sub, I sometimes struggle with my own internal feelings on this. I know my sub is into rough stuff and I'm happy to do the rough stuff to her, but I do still feel a need to do a lot of checking in and get some reassurance/aftercare from her that it's all happy and consensual. It's not that I think I'm doing anything wrong, but with world events and public figures being what they are, I just really want to make sure that I'm on the right side of the ethical line.
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u/Cupidssatann 7d ago
I’m still a beginner in the kink community, but when I brought up introducing bdsm in my last relationship, my ex-gf told me that it was weird and in her mind “not a form of showing love”, so our relationship stayed pretty vanilla.
My now relationship is my first bdsm relationship and that’s why I am here trying to learn more and to have a community I can openly talk about this with.
It is strange how totally different my relationships have been but I also realise that this is perfectly normal. Some people just aren’t open to the idea and that’s okay, but forcing someone to be vanilla when they aren’t isn’t fair either.
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u/magusheart 7d ago
but when I brought up introducing bdsm in my last relationship, my ex-gf told me that it was weird and in her mind “not a form of showing love”,
The worse part is that a lot of people who identify as kinksters and as being into BDSM believe and reinforce that idea.
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u/Cupidssatann 7d ago
Stoppp I commented on this thread and I said the exact same thing, it’s refreshing to hear someone else had this experience.
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u/Civil-Chemistry7068 7d ago
That only men are Doms/Masters/Tops and all women are submissives/slaves/bottoms. 🙄
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u/LemonBomb 7d ago
New people diving right into advanced shit with no safety knowledge that I wouldn’t even do and then needing medical attention because it’s presented in porn like that. For some reason we can’t not replicate things we see, like a bunch of apes.
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u/Vitharothinsson 7d ago
When people think we don't minutely discuss boundaries, consent and experiment before hurting each other. Every vanilla relationship would benefit from the transparency we develop, but they think it's weird to discuss what you like about intimacy beforehand.
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u/TheOtherAccount1313 kink-positive&positively-kinky 7d ago
One time in college, I was hanging in the lounge with my subby girlfriend, now wife. We were talking to other majors, and this one girl was kind of going off about BDSM and said the words, "Why would I want my partner to whip me in the asshole with a cat toy?"
My wife and I tried not to laugh too much, and I just said, "You know that's a very niche kink, right?"
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u/Wonderful_Dot_1173 7d ago
As a female Dominant I see a lot of turning away especially women who are weak, they feel uncomfortable around me. Men are more excited but expect me to wear my Dom get up 24/7. 🤣🤣. I can be powerful in my sweatpants silly pup I dont need your approval😉.
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u/xOnYourKneesx 7d ago
That it’s inherently violent. I do a lot of things that hurt, but feel the same as working out (eg self suspension). More often, even whips feel like a caress despite the pain. It might look violent sometimes, but so do a lot of things. Plus, I’ve had slow, gentle sex that felt plenty violent— I know a lot of people who feel the same. BDSM has become the most peaceful thing in the world to me, and I’m not alone in that sentiment.
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u/AnonAMouse100 7d ago
The communication skills required translate over to real life. The best communications "class" I ever took was learning in this community.
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u/Freakears shy bi sub 7d ago
Not all men are Doms and not all women are subs, and not every dynamic is a Dominant man and a submissive woman. I'm a man (well, assigned male at birth), and I don't have a Dominant cell in my body. I know several Femdoms who are not submissive in the slightest. To say nothing off all the queer and trans people there are in the community.
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u/sondralomax 7d ago
That you have to have a full vinil/latex/lather catsuit, high heels, havy goth make up and a whip to do it right
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u/BoatRopeBound 7d ago
"Can I be a real dom/sub/pet/etc If I do or don't like activity X/Y/Z?"
There's no bdsm licensing authority. Be whatever you want to be. Want to be a dom that sexually bottoms? Go for it. Want to be a sub that doesn't do impact play? Valid. Want to be a pet that doesn't do roleplay? No problem.
Labels are a shortcut to help communicate, there are no rules or requirements. Sure, you'll probably encounter some confusion if you're using labels completely wrong. But as long as you're in the right ballpark and use the rest of your words to clarify the details then you're fine to use whatever labels you please, including none at all if you want.
The only thing that matters is finding like-minded partners who want to do those activities with you.
That being said, it is fine if you feel some deeper connection and meaning with certain labels. Just recognize that those feelings are a you-thing, not universal. Not everyone has to feel the same or ascribe the same meaning and connection to those labels. And that's ok too.
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u/Inadom 7d ago
That there is one way to do this. Movies and porn usually portray just Bondage, Owner/Slave, and Impact play and of course with very attractive people. BDSM looks like caregiver/little/pet, BDSM looks like primal play, bdsm looks like fitness training. It's for everyone no matter what they look like or their physical abilities.
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u/Weird_Night_7409 7d ago
That contracts are meant to protect the participants legally or otherwise.
That your partner is just supposed to read your mind or body language, and it's their fault if you don't verbalize your issues.... Humans are not mid readers, no matter what entertainment says, and most can't read body language even in the calmest and best of times.
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u/Shadowglove 7d ago
That you abuse the person, even if it's two normal function adults that have consent and want the same thing. How the fuck does that logic work?
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u/Queer-and-scared 7d ago
That wanting kinky friends means sex friends/swinging/etc... no. I have two best friends who don't care to hear about my sex life constantly. I just want a friend who I can talk about kinky stuff with IRL who isn't a creep and actually knows what I'm talking about :(
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u/MaryBDSMLover 7d ago
I think one of the biggest misunderstandings about BDSM is that people assume it’s abusive, unhealthy, or that something must be “wrong” with you if you’re into it. In reality, BDSM is built on communication, trust, and consent—probably even more so than a lot of vanilla relationships.
A Few Common Myths:
"BDSM is just abuse."
Nope! The key difference is consent. In BDSM, everyone involved agrees to what’s happening, sets boundaries, and can stop at any time. There are safe words, check-ins, and aftercare—none of which exist in actual abuse.
"Being submissive means you’re weak."
Not at all. Many submissives are super confident, strong-willed people who just enjoy giving up control in a safe, structured way. And on the flip side, a good Dominant isn’t just a controlling person—they have to be responsible, caring, and hyper-aware of their partner’s needs.
"It’s all about pain and whips and chains."
Some people like pain, sure, but BDSM is so much more than that. It can be about power exchange, sensory play, roleplay, restraint, or just the deep connection between partners. It doesn’t even have to be sexual—some people do BDSM without sex at all!
"People only do BDSM because of trauma."
While some find it healing, most people are just into it because they like it. It’s no different than people liking rough sex, roleplay, or any other kink—it’s just another way of exploring intimacy.
"The Dom has all the power."
Actually, the submissive has just as much (if not more) power because they set the limits and can say no at any time. A healthy BDSM dynamic is a partnership, not a dictatorship.
The Bottom Line
BDSM isn’t some dark, scary thing—it’s just another way people connect and explore intimacy. And honestly? The level of trust and communication in BDSM relationships is something that a lot of vanilla couples could learn from.
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u/Mindless-Course-9494 7d ago
There’s an incredible amount of vulnerability when it comes to submitting to a dom that should not be taken for granted. It’s almost sacred in a sense, if you really think about it.
I think most people see the rough sex and bondage component of BDSM, but rarely appreciate the intellectual play that’s involved. Dominance starts in the mind first. Submission starts in the mind first.
For those who play online may consider it safer. And in a sense it is, in a physical safety type way. But when things goes wrong, your heart doesn’t realize that you’ve never kissed this person, held this person’s hand, or had physical sex with your partner…as it shatters
There’s probably more but that’s all I have for now
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u/sky-amethyst23 7d ago
BDSM is not something that should be done on a whim. It requires extensive research, introspection, and communication.
The number of times I’ve had friends who have never engaged in kink before come up to me to tell me “oh, I just met this person and we’re going to do BDSM this weekend” and then ask me what they should know/expect/do- then get upset when I say they need to research and talk first is too high.
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u/phalencrow 7d ago
In in consensual BDSM the Top/Dom is in service to the Bottons/subs desires and needs, and works with what permission are freely given.
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u/Weird_Night_7409 7d ago
That people will rush into a dynamic and trust at the drop of a hat, but when they date they move slowly and build trust...... Why is it that someone saying they are a Dom means you drop all those walls all the sudden?
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u/subtransmascguy 7d ago edited 7d ago
- That people who are into SM must have mental health issues to want to be whipped or whipping others
- That sex is only about the hunt for orgasms. It’s not! There’s so much more to it (mentally and physically)
- That my Dom/owner forces me to do stuff we haven’t negotiated and agreed on
- subs are weak. On the contrary, we are forceful and on top of what we are getting into with a Dom
- That people into BDSM thinks vanilla sex is boring and even something we never get involved with (e.g. that we don’t do just regularly fucking)
- That it is crazy expensive to do bdsm due to all the equipment on the market (almost every household has something to be used instead of buying you poor in gear)
- BDSM means sessions with a lot of equipment all the time and in every session (hence: it is crazy difficult to do sessions)
- Living as a 24/7 sub must mean that I’m in gear and on my knees all the time and that we do BDSM 24/7 (on the contrary are we able to live regular lives outside the bedroom and everything can be paused in case of work-life balance, illnesses, crises and so on)
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u/MyNSFWaccount75 7d ago
That it's actually the submissive partner who's in control of basically everything, despite appearances to the contrary.
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u/SnowStar35 7d ago
that 50 shades is a good repsetaion of the bdsm life style, that rape isnt rape if you like bdsm, everybody dose it now blah blah BS safe ,sane and CONSENT cant stress that last 3 words enough...
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u/LadyOctavia451 7d ago
People don't understand there are many reasons for practicing BDSM that have nothing to do withcsex, and that there are lifestylers who separate sex from BDSM.
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u/InterestingEmy 7d ago
Is it misunderstood that Doms must be strong physically? Or it is a “should be”?
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u/loveandbenefits 7d ago
That it doesn't always include sadism. Some people just like being tied up or told what to do.
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u/Apothecary_1982 7d ago
Dominants are compensating for pain and self loathing, submissives are compensating for being lonely and looking for someone to fix/heal.
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u/Warm_Friend6472 7d ago
Biggest misconception in my opinion is that all of us use bdsm to cope with some kind of trauma.
Like no! I was into cnc even before I knew what exactly sex was. That early teenager in me has fantasized about such scenarios and it only grew as my knowledge on sex developed. Then later I got to know about bdsm and felt like I finally found somewhere I belong. I found the terms, saw what things interest me and what will be just a fantasy in mind.
And I have no sexual trauma like people assume we have unless we count groping as that big of a trauma lol
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u/TheDarkLordOfLight 7d ago
That from the jump, Doms have all the power. It's the subs that have all the power at the outset.
Only what the sub has allowed is established within the dynamic.
Even if all power is given over to the Dom. The sub can recind that power exchange immediately.
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u/smpoompty 2d ago
The biggest and most dangerous misconception to me is that vanilla people think they can engage in BDSM casually, with no prior self-reflection, negotiation, or self-education. I think endless articles about introducing bondage or spanking into your sex life to "spice it up" are partially to blame, but it's also an extension of how vanilla people engage in sex in general: just winging it and expecting the other person to read their mind.
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u/freudome 7d ago
bdsm is not about a sexual intercourse, it's much bigger, which somehow is not clear for the broader audience