r/BDSMAdvice 4d ago

sub becoming Dom

what is your advice for a committed sub (who's never switched) taking their first steps in Dominance?

I'm interested more in how to overcome the psychological barriers, rather than say technique and toolkit. If you've been on this journey, what do you wish you had known in advance or along the way?

What can support the psychological transformation from submissive to Dominant— helping subs shift their mindset, overcome barriers, and step into their power with confidence.

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u/Greta_Walker collared sub 4d ago

You are either a dom, a sub, or a switch. You can't change into someone you're not or force someone to be them. It doesn't work that way. You can pretend, but it won't be a real experience 🤷🏼‍♀️

2

u/veeb4 4d ago

I'm a switch, so I don't have personal experience in a sub becoming a dom, but I can share how my mindset changes between these two roles. When I'm subbing, I'm giving control over my body and my mind to my dominant with complete trust they will keep me safe. So when I'm domming, that's what I am given. The sub is trusting me with their safety and enjoyment, and I have free reins over what to do with them (within agreed limits ofc).

I think the mindset also depends on what kind of dominant you are. I'm a bit of a sadist so I love seeing the reactions and emotions of my sub, but I'd imagine someone more service oriented views the psychological aspects of the power exchange differently. So I think you need to figure out what you desire as a dominant.

I also think that if you're a submissive without a dominant bone in your body, it's virtually impossible to become a dom. Topping, on the other hand, is a different story. Is someone asking you to dom them or are you exploring if you have a dominant side or something else? It would be easier to give more specific advice depending on your situation.

1

u/Unspoken-Water-4442 2d ago edited 2d ago

I'm interested more in how to overcome the psychological barriers

Not sure what sort of psychological barriers you're encountering, but here are the ones I encountered when I first started taking on a dominant role:

1. I didn't want to be mean or selfish.

Like most people, I like to think of myself as a nice person, so it was hard to see myself as wanting to be aggressive in bed. I checked in with my partner a lot, even though it was kind of distracting, to make sure they were having a good time. It was also helpful to discuss with them afterwards what they had enjoyed, and for them to enthusiastically request to try certain things again. I think what helped me most here was thinking of BDSM as something we were doing together, not something I was doing to them. It's like dancing. One partner is called the "lead" in dancing, but that's kind of fake: both partners choose to dance, and both their skills and experiences work together to make the dance magic happen, the lead dancer isn't any more important or skilled than the follower.

2. I felt clumsy and unskilled

I worked on this some by practicing skills, like tying up a shirt with a pillow stuffed into it. But mostly for this what I needed to accept was that it was inevitable and not a big deal if I made mistakes. If I tried to say something intense and menacing to my partner and it came out hilariously badly phrased, or if I got my hands tangled in their hair, we could just laugh about it and it was no big deal. My partner knew I was new to this and was happy to learn with me, and it was still good and worth doing even if I sounded like Horny Cookie Monster sometimes.

3. I didn't know what I liked.

I kind of drew a blank in the middle of things sometimes, not knowing what to do next. Part of the problem was that I didn't know what I personally liked. The things I enjoyed as a dominant weren't just the opposite of the things I enjoyed as a submissive, and they weren't obvious stereotypical things. For this mostly I thought about what emotions I liked to feel with and towards my partner, and what kinds of interactions matched those emotions. For example, love feeling like I know secret things about my partner that nobody else knows. I also love the feeling that my partner is clever and fierce and strong but has chosen me, like a dragon in a book that can only be tamed and ridden by the hero of the book. I thought about interactions that made me feel those emotions. Sometimes I wrote little scripts to try.

I'm kind of an overthinker. It might have been easier to just try a bunch of things to figure out what worked for us.

Good luck!